A/N: Not really sure if the cutting is descriptive cause I don't feel so. Just, minor warning. Enjoy (:
These scars. They never fade, do they? They're always going to be there, even if the scab is peeled off. That numerous amounts of lines coming from all sorts of objects. I'll never run away from them, will I?
It's a huge surprise that none of my loved ones have realised the difference in skin tone on my wrists. I guess all the sun-tanning by the pool has its perks.
I'm going to need more hours under the Sun at the rate I'm going.
I'm hiding in my locked bedroom, one of which I share with my boyfriend, who's probably busy making sure our music producer doesn't send my sorry little ass back to Minnesota for screwing up the band's publicity. It's not my fault.
How was I supposed to know the paparazzi noticed slightly darker lines on my skin?
It doesn't matter anyway. The second Gustavo began yelling at how 'incredibly stupid' and just 'another piece of trash' I was, I skedaddled.
I know who I am and I know that what I've been doing brings about a bad image to the media. Let's admit it; which parents would let their kids idolise Big Time Rush if word got out that the infamous James Diamond was suicidal?
The dripping of a cool liquid caught my attention as I glanced down. The bed sheet had a small puddle of blood, bright red in contrast with the sky blue comforter. There were also wet splotches of tears, which made me come to the realisation that I was crying.
I dropped the dirtied penknife from my grasp, shaking as sobs racked through my body. The stinging made me hiss midway whenever a stray tear fell onto my open scars.
But, this pain. It's my reminder that I'm still alive. That I can still feel human emotions, even when a major part of the world believes otherwise.
I don't know why I want to feel these emotions, though. All I've ever done ever since I was a kid was screw things up. Mum and Dad's divorce? Because I was conceived.
Hockey? Wasn't good enough to be captain. I'm kind of glad for that.
Seeing Kendall being all dominant on ice is a fucking turn on.
Dad leaving for good? Because I came out of the closet during Thanksgiving, in front of my whole family, when I introduced my best friend as my boyfriend. What an eventful night that was.
"I don't want a faggot of a son," were his last words before he drove off to God knows where.
Gustavo's never-ending hatred towards me? Because, according to him, I'm a vain, selfish prick who got lucky. Also, since I didn't have the fire he so desperately wanted but was still present in his studio, courtesy of my blonde lover.
The fact that I'm never, ever going to be good enough for Kendall Knight? That's the limit for me. It doesn't matter what he's said before. It doesn't mean shit that he's been with me for over four years. Kendall deserves someone better and everyone knows it.
Probably thinks it, too.
I clutched my head, eyes shut tightly as I tried to stop my tears from flowing. Why cry over the truth, right?
Every single insult I've heard, every hit I've taken; they came flooding back to me, as though someone had finally opened the gates to Hell.
I could literally feel my blood flowing down my arm, staining my jeans. My cries were increasing in volume, ignorant of the fact that Mama Knight and Katie were still in the apartment. I tried to soften my voice by biting my lower lip, except it bled.
The words began replaying in my head. Faces of the people I've known flashed before my eyes. They never cared. No one did. All they could offer me was sympathy and disgust.
I'm not worthy of anyone's love and care. I'm never enough.
My sobs turned into screams as I released all the pent-up frustration and disappointment. The penknife was blurry in my eyes, tears still spilling down my pale cheeks.
I could hear footsteps running towards the door. The yelling and pleas from familiar voices that I couldn't put a finger on. They were begging me to open up the door.
But I can't move.
On their own accord, I grabbed the penknife, clutching it with shaky hands. They were slamming themselves on the door now.
Once the blade was positioned, I gently dragged it across my wrist, reopening another old would. And another. And another.
I can't stop. Not now. Not when I have a chance of fixing all the crap I've done in the past.
Why stay and trouble others when I can just leave and never return? Everyone would be happier without needing to settle my issues.
Brooke wouldn't need to worry about losing face for having a suicidal, gay son.
Mama Knight would have one less monkey to deal with in the apartment.
Katie won't have to listen to me whine over her big brother every time the blonde isn't around for me to smother kisses with.
Carlos and Logan would make Big Time Rush a success with Kendall.
And Kendall. My dominant little Blondie. He'll be able to move on. He's a Knight, isn't he? If I go, he won't need to constantly think about me. He won't need to shower me with affection just because I'm an insecure jerk.
Maybe he can finally date that new blonde girl who just moved in. They'll be Ken and Barbie. The perfect couple.
I wasn't needed. If this was a movie, all of these people are the main cast. I'm the back up. My presence is of no value. No one realises I'm there, until I'm gone. Until the credits start to roll.
With the remaining strength that I possessed, I pushed the blade deeper into my skin. I took in a steadying breath. If I was going to leave, at least let me speak clearly. Let them hear my voice for the last time.
My fingers were wrapped tightly around the penknife's body, shaking violently as I tried to talk. "I-I'm so-sorr-"
I was cut off by the bedroom door flying open, a flash of what seemed like a black helmet tumbling onto the floor. Before I could register what was going on, the penknife flew out of my grasp, red liquid slowly oozing out of its wound.
The next thing I knew, Kendall was holding me down, his emerald green eyes glistening with tears as he murmured some incoherent nonsense. I felt someone cleaning and dressing my wounds minutes later.
"We'll leave you two alone to talk, alright?" I heard the soft whisper of Mama Knight's gentle voice say before the door creaked close.
Kendall was laying down beside me right now, my face buried in his chest while his arms were wrapped around my neck. I was leaving feathery touches on the blonde's sides, not really sure what to do.
I felt him nuzzle his nose into my hair, taking a whiff of my Cuda hairspray. This felt like one of those times when I'd wake up in the middle of the nights in tears. The silence, the comforting warmth, the patience.
All coming from Kendall Knight.
"Why'd you do it, baby?" His voice was cracking as he questioned me, arms tightening possessively.
I remained silent, contemplating whether I should answer. When I glanced upwards, a similar pair of broken eyes met mine. "I'm sorry," was all I could muster up. "I j-just- I'm n-not good en-enough."
I took a deep breath and moved my gaze to his chest, losing myself in the way it rose and fell normally. "I'm never good enough. I'm a burden. From the beginning of my existence until now, I've done nothing but trouble the people I care for."
"That's bullshit, Jamie," my boyfriend whispered, kissing my forehead sweetly. "I swear, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, even after we won that peewee hockey tournament back when we were seven."
I sighed and snuggled closer, muttering into his shirt about all the other insecurities in my mind. When I told him about how he and Jo would be a perfect couple, the blonde choked on his own saliva.
Suddenly, he tugged my chin upwards, fixing his gaze on my face. "Don't you dare leave me. I don't care if everyone prefers me with someone else," Kendall paused to connect our lips gently. "I rather be with you. You make me complete and that's all I ever wanted."
I snorted, part of me still in disbelief.
Kendall must have noticed since he gave me one of the tightest hugs ever, smiling down at my confused expression. He grabbed my bandaged wrists and pecked them lightly before pressing my palms into his chest.
The steady beat of his heart thumped against my hands. "This beats for you," he said, staring at me with green eyes filled with love and promise. "If you think the pain is keeping you alive, remember my heart beat. Make this the reason you live and breathe, baby. Remember that I love you, always."
"But I-"
Kendall swooped down and kissed me again, effectively distracting me. "Baby, please. You're more than good enough for me." His lips pulled into a sad smile before stating, with his usual, leader-like confidence, "I'm going to keep telling you you're worth everything until you believe me. I'll be the band-aid to your wounds. I'll stick to you like glue and repeat myself in that ridiculous Annoying Orange kind of way."
I shook my head and chuckled. The sight itself brought a larger grin onto Kendall's face.
It's going to take a while to believe in my value in everyone's lives. Only time will tell if I'll be ready to face life's challenges. Maybe I'll make it through with Kendall by my side.
Maybe, this time, I'll be able to outrun my monsters.
Maybe the scars will finally be able to fade.
A/N: In all honesty, it's 1am here. I have school later & I can't sleep.
Anyway, I've been feeling a tad bit down in the dumps for the past few hours. Not quite sure why. & the first thought that came to my mind was, 'these scars never fade, do they'.
Somehow, this fanfic came out. So, yeah. Sorry if it's depressing.
Anywho! YES, there will be a sequel to Blood Eyes. I'm working on the first chapter now. I'll probably upload them by the end of the month, maybe? :\
I don't know. So, yeah. REVIEW, FAVOURITE & I'LL GIVE YOU AN IMAGINARY COOKIE.
& please. If you have something to tell me that I can improve on, tell me clearly. I'd appreciate that. Bye! *waves