Disclaimers: Let me check. Nope, 'Castle' still belongs to the creative genius that is Andrew W. Marlowe.

Title: Solitude

Summary: A post-'Rise' story. Kate does a lot of soul searching while spending a solitary summer at her father's cabin in the woods.

A/N: As much as I hate to do it, this story has to include Josh, at least a little bit. I'm going to see if I can write a 'Castle' story set before Rick and Kate got together. I'll rate this one T just to be on the safe side. There won't be any sex, but I'm that there'll be language.

Chapter 1: Awareness

May 17, 2011

The first thing that returned to Kate Beckett's awareness of the here and now was the pain. It seemed to crush her, consume her, with its intensity. She moaned as she fought against it. It had been so nice where she was. It had been warm and dark. Comforting somehow. Her mother had been there for just a fleeting moment, giving her the smile that she always remembered. But then she was gone and Kate was left with the bone-numbing pain. "Kate," she heard a muffled voice calling her name, as if it were coming from a tunnel. "Kate, open your eyes." She finally opened her unfocused green eyes to see dark hair and smiling eyes. At first she thought that it was Castle, but then the face came into sharper focus. "Welcome back," Dr. Josh Davidson smiled down on her.

"Josh," she croaked, her tongue sticking to the roof of her mouth.

"How do you feel?"

How did he think that she felt? She felt like she'd gotten shot. "How long—"

"You've been out for almost 24 hours. We decided to cut down on the sedation this morning so that you'd start coming out of it. How's the pain?"

"Awful. Could I . . . get some water?"

"Hold on," he put a plastic straw in a cup and bent it so that she could take a couple of sips. Just that small bit of exertion quickly exhausted her. "Your father's been outside waiting to see you. Do you feel up to it?"

She didn't say anything, but simply nodded. She closed her eyes as she waited for him, but in her head she remembered the last words she'd heard after the bullet had slammed into her chest. "I love you. I love you, Kate." She wondered where her partner was. She wondered if he was out there with her dad. When she opened her eyes again, her father was sitting beside her, taking her cold hand in his. "You had us scared there for a little while, Katie bug," he said, calling her by her familiar nickname. "I won't stay long. You need to get your rest. I'll let Castle know that you're awake. He's been anxious to see you."

"Tomorrow," she managed to say as he nodded. She wanted to say more but the pain was so bad that speech was almost impossible.

Jim Beckett could see his daughter grimacing against the pain, trying hard not to cry. "I'll let someone know that you need something for the pain. I'll come back later. I love you."

"Love you, too," she whispered as she dug her nails into his palm.

Soon after he left, a nurse came in with a needle. Plunging it into her IV line, the pain melted away to be replaced by the warm, comforting darkness once again.

***CCC***

May 18, 2011

Kate didn't know who's bright idea it was to make her get out of bed two days after taking a bullet to the chest, but at the moment all that she wanted to do was put them in the box and make them cry like a little girl. She toddled along the hall as Josh kept a protective hand on her elbow. Now she knew what a newborn fawn felt like.

"Can we please go back?" She begged, unsure of how long her legs would hold her up.

"Yeah, we'll try to go farther later," Josh turned her around and led her back to her bed.

'Great,' she thought to herself as Josh helped her back into her bed and covered her up. She lay back against her pillow and wearily closed her eyes. She hissed as she tried to take a deep breath. She let her fingers travel down her side to another thick patch of white gauze. She was familiar with the gauze on her chest, but this one was new to her.

"Your lung collapsed," she heard Josh explaining to her. "I had to cut you open to put in a chest tube. The tube was removed yesterday, but you're going to be sore for awhile. I had to cut through skin and muscle."

"I'm really tired, Josh. And I'm really hurting right now. Could you please just come back later?"

"I'll come back and check on you when I go to lunch," he planted a soft kiss on her forehead.

His over-attentiveness was driving her crazy! Didn't he understand that she didn't like being taken care of? She was used to relying on herself. She'd been that way since she was a little girl. She valued her solitude and she liked the fact that she didn't need anybody. She could do things for herself.

"Ms. Beckett?" She opened her eyes to find another person in green scrubs standing beside her bed. "I'm Dr. Travis. I was the surgeon who operated on you after the shooting."

"I thought . . . that Dr. Davidson operated."

"He started things. I took over for him. Under the circumstances, we didn't think it was wise to allow your boyfriend to operate on you."

"When can I get out of here?"

"In four or five days. You're going to need physical therapy to get your strength back. It might take a while. We almost lost you a couple of times. When you get out of here, you're going to have to take it easy."

"For how long?"

"That's up to how fast your body heals. It could take several months."

Several months. The department wouldn't allow her to come back until she was 100 percent. That meant physically and mentally. The thought right now was too depressing to think about. Instead she closed her eyes and tried to ignore the doctor as he continued droning on. Finally he left, leaving her to slip back into her dark cocoon. When she opened her eyes once again, Josh was sitting at her bedside. "Hello, Sleeping Beauty."

"Can you raise the bed up a little?" She asked as he pointed to the remote panel at her bedside. "Oh, okay."

She raised the bed up so that she was sitting up, trying to ignore the pain in her chest and side. "So, I understand that Dr. Travis came in to talk to you," he said as he took her hand.

"I don't want to talk about that," she pulled her hand away. "Do you have any funny stories for me?"

"It'll hurt to laugh," he warned.

"It can't hurt any worse than it already does."

They were laughing and chatting quietly when Castle walked in. "Hey, Castle," Kate breathed as she glanced at Josh.

"I'll come back and see you after rounds," Josh kissed her cheek as he got up and left, walking past Castle on his way out.

Kate didn't miss the look that passed between the two men as Castle walked up to her bed, carrying a vase of flowers in his hand.

***CCC***

Walking out of the hospital, Castle couldn't help but feel slightly defeated. She actually didn't remember anything that happened after the shooting? She couldn't remember him telling her that he loved her? She told him that she'd call him. But, she'd seemed . . . different somehow.

And then there was that asshole Josh. Dr. Motorcycle Boy. If looks could kill, he would've dropped to the floor in a heap. Why didn't he understand that Kate was a big girl? Yes, he'd helped her look into her mother's murder case, but the request had come from Kate when they were investigating the Coonan murder. Neither of them had any idea how deep the conspiracy would go. They had no idea that Capt. Montgomery was involved in it. And they certainly hadn't planned on him giving his life to protect Kate.

***CCC***

Lying back against her pillows, Kate thought about her conversation with Castle. She'd never been uncomfortable around him before, but now things felt strange. It had been easier to lie about not remembering anything rather than admit that she'd heard his last words to her as she slipped into unconsciousness. "I love you. I love you, Kate."

"So, Castle didn't stay long," she sighed as Josh stepped back up to her bed.

"I told him that I was tired."

"Kate, I was thinking. You're getting out of here in a few days. I can arrange to take some time off—"

"No."

"Kate, you're going to need somebody to take care of you. Somebody who can make sure that you take your medication and get to your therapy appointments."

"Josh, I'm not a child! I can take care of myself. The last thing that I need or want right now is a fucking babysitter!"

"I'm sorry that you think of me as your jailer," he said in a harsh voice. "I seem to remember that I'm your boyfriend."

Kate sighed. She hated the expression 'boyfriend.' It sounded like she was in junior high. "Josh, like I told Castle, I'm really tired. I'm about to ask for pain meds and then I'm going to go to sleep for a while."

"Okay. I'll check on you later," he got up and walked away.

As she drifted off to sleep, her thoughts went to the afternoon of the shooting. She'd been singing Capt. Roy Montgomery's praises one minute and the next she was being tackled to the ground by what felt like a linebacker for the New York Jets. She remembered looking up into Castle's terrified blue eyes as she felt her life draining out of her. She closed her eyes tightly to block out those last images as she slipped into warm blackness, feeling it wrap itself around her like a blanket.

Her next memory was hearing Lanie's voice coming from somewhere above her. "Don't you die on me, Kate. Don't you dare die on me!" Then she heard incredible noise, followed by a sharp, stabbing pain in her side. After that, everything was dark and warm once again.

The first time she'd woke up, there was a tube down her throat. It had been terrifying and she remembered fighting as it was removed, leaving her throat raw and sore. The soreness still lingered two days later. It reminded her of when she'd had her tonsils removed when she was a little girl.

She just wanted to go somewhere where she could be alone and not think about that horrible day. She wanted to forget Castle's last words to her.

***CCC***

May 20, 2011

Kate was slowly walking the halls as her father held onto her. While it still hurt, at least walking no longer left her in tears like it had just a few days before. "So, they're planning on springing you in a couple of days?" Jim Beckett smiled as they continued walking. "You're more than welcome to stay with me for a few days if you need to. Or, were you going to stay with Josh?"

"I was thinking," she said as they slowly walked back toward her room, "about the cabin. Would it be all right it I stayed out there for a while?"

"Alone?" Jim looked skeptical. "Katie, do you really think that you should be alone right now?"

"I'm not going to go out there to drink," she gave him a bitter look, remembering the years when he'd hid in a bottle after her mother's death. "I just want to go somewhere quiet so that I can think."

"Does Josh know about this?"

"I wish that all of you would stop treating me like I'm an incompetent child!" She stopped when she felt the deep, searing pain in her side. The pain that seemed to suck all of her breath from her body.

"Katie, let's go back," her father guided her back to her bed and helped her get settled into it. "I don't mean to treat you like you don't know what you're doing. I just don't know if it's a good idea for you to be alone right now."

"So, you can come out to make sure that I get to my appointments. Please, dad? I can't go back to work and I don't want to stay in the city."

"Okay," he finally relented. "I'll make sure that everything's in order before I take you up there. You're absolutely sure about this?"

"I've never been surer of anything in my life."

"I'll go by your apartment and pack you some clothes."

"Just pack some sundresses, nothing with a waistband."

"Okay," he nodded.

Convincing her dad that she needed some alone time had been far easier than she'd anticipated. But, something told her that telling Josh wasn't going to be nearly as easy. One of the major hurdles in her relationship with the handsome doctor had been his inability to understand that there were times when she simply needed to be alone. Some of it had to do with her job. After a rough day of chasing bad guys and getting confessions, she just wanted to go home to silence. To just unwind with a glass of wine and a good book or her beloved John Coltrane on her iPod. Being a surgeon, Josh had understood part of that need to unwind after a long, trying day. But, there were times . . . she shook her head to clear her thoughts. For a while now, she'd felt that this relationship between them wasn't going anywhere. She didn't know if it was because of him or because she was holding herself back for something or someone else.

He stopped by at dinnertime, smiling as he walked up to her bed with his hands behind his back as she carefully watched him. "What's behind your back?"

"I thought that you might be getting tired of hospital food, so I brought you this," he pulled his hands from behind his back, revealing a bag from her favorite Chinese restaurant. "If you get caught with this, I'm pleading the fifth."

"Thank you," she smiled as he handed her a plastic fork. "Would you like to share?"

"I thought that you'd never ask. So, are you anxious to get out of here?"

"I need to talk to you about that. After we eat," she said as she began eating. But, after just a few bites, she'd had enough and pushed the food away. "I guess my appetite hasn't quite come back, yet. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. You'll get there. So, have you given any more thought to me taking care of you?"

Damn, he was relentless. "Yes, I have. And no, I don't want you 'taking care' of me. I'm going to stay out at my father's cabin for a little while."

"Haven't you told me that your father's cabin is in the middle of nowhere?"

"Yes, thus the appeal."

"Kate, I don't understand you," he stood up and began to pace as he ran his fingers through his hair. "Do you have a thing for your partner? Is that why you're shoving me away?"

"Josh, this has nothing to do with Castle! I just got shot! I need time to recover!"

"No, you want time to run and hide because it's what you do! Every single time that I've tried to get close to you in the past nine months, you've pulled away from me. I love you, Kate! I saved your life! If that isn't love, I don't know what is."

"So, I'm supposed to be eternally grateful because you saved my life? I don't need you hovering over me, making sure that I take my pills and go to my sessions. I'm 31 years old. I've been taking care of myself for a long time. I'm telling you what I need and you're not listening to me! I need peace and quiet. I want to go on long walks in the woods and listen to music on my iPod or time to catch up on my reading. It's not forever, Josh. Just until I feel that I'm in a good place. Please let me do this."

He couldn't help noticing that she didn't say that she loved him when he'd told her that just a moment before. He couldn't remember her ever saying it back to him, not even after they'd made love. "Will you at least let me come out there to see you?"

"Of course," she smiled.

"Will you do me another favor and think about what I said about the running and hiding? You might not notice that you do it, Kate, but I do."

As she settled down for the night, she thought about what Josh had said about the running and hiding. It was true that it was something that she did. She remembered telling Castle about falling down the rabbit hole while she was looking into her mother's death as a young police officer. That was the way that she'd felt, much like Alice in the book when she'd fallen down the rabbit hole. She felt as if she was still struggling to pull herself out of that hole. She wondered if she'd ever succeed.

A/N #2: In case you didn't notice, there's not much Castle in this chapter. It's going to be like that for a few chapters.