Summary: Voyager has finally come home and Chakotay has been made Captain. But there's still something missing from his life. Post-Endgame.
Author's Note: This is for all Voyager fans who think Chakotay and Seven were the biggest mistake ever because he and Kathryn were made for each other ;)
Disclaimer: Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended.
Kiss from a Rose
Chakotay took a deep, steadying breath in a futile attempt to make his heart stop hammering against his chest as if it was looking for a way out. This was ridiculous after all. In his job, he was confronted with dangerous situations every other day, had even faced the Borg, the Federation's most formidable enemy, several times. He had remained reasonably calm during all of those encounters. But as soon as he was about to share a private evening with Kathryn Janeway, he felt as nervous as a child on Christmas Eve.
Well, this time his nervousness was reasonably intensified because Kathryn didn't know of his imminent arrival. Suddenly, Chakotay couldn't help but ask himself what the hell he had been thinking. He was about to disturb a highly decorated Vice Admiral of Starfleet to childishly celebrate something she probably didn't even give a damn about.
Now that Chakotay stood in front of the door of Kathryn's apartment in San Francisco, he couldn't remember why this had seemed a good idea to him while still being aboard Voyager. Well, he calmed himself with the sudden thought that Kathryn probably wasn't home, anyway. Still, his left hand tightened its grip around the present he'd brought while Chakotay finally chimed the doorbell.
As expected there was nothing to be heard at first, but just as he was about to turn away, the door slid open. "Chakotay! O dear, did I know you were coming?"
Kathryn seemed quite shocked at the prospect of having forgotten a scheduled meeting with him, but otherwise she looked as admirably as always. Her auburn hair had grown slightly since Chakotay had last seen her and he was sure that she would pin it up again while on duty the way she had done during their earlier years in the Delta quadrant. But her blue eyes shone with the same determination and strength Chakotay remembered so well.
However, before admiring Kathryn further, he decided to relieve her of her current anxiety. "Not at all, Admiral," he replied. "I pushed Voyager almost beyond capacity to get here in time."
"In time for what?" Kathryn asked, looking confused.
Chakotay smiled mildly. "In time for your birthday," he explained.
Comprehension dawned on Kathryn's face. "Oh, that's very considerate of you, Chakotay. But you shouldn't have gone to such length for this."
"I respectfully disagree." Chakotay smiled. "I knew you wouldn't think twice about it otherwise. So I came to offer you my humble company, only if it's no inconvenience for you, of course."
Kathryn favoured him with a huge smile. "You would never be an inconvenience for me, Chakotay. Come on in, then, come on in!" She didn't give him time to marvel at her statement and ushered him inside.
"Please, excuse the mess," she said, but all Chakotay saw that could qualify as 'mess' were several scattered padds and a few empty cups of coffee. "Unfortunately, I have nothing prepared for dinner now."
Chakotay sat down on the sofa. "That's alright. I brought cake." He pointed at one of the two parcels he had brought along.
Kathryn threw him a mischievous look. "Admit it, that's why you didn't call in advance – so that you'd be spared one of my awful meals!"
Chakotay laughed. "I would never refuse a dinner invitation from you."
"You've never been a good liar, Chakotay. Don't start trying now."
"Yes, Ma'am."
They smiled at each other, enjoying the playful mood, though Chakotay had actually been telling the truth. He would never refuse dinner – not because of the dinner itself but because of Kathryn's company.
"So, will you at least trust me with your cake?" she asked now.
"Well, it's actually your cake anyway, so it's all yours." Chakotay gave it to her and she served them both two pieces.
When they were both sitting on the sofa, Kathryn asked, "So, how was your mission to Kerovi?"
"Pretty smooth," Chakotay replied. "Everything went according to plan."
"Really?" Kathryn displayed mocking surprise.
Chakotay smiled. "It's not unheard of."
"True," she conceded, "but still, where's the excitement in that?"
"Well, I don't know about you, but I'd say we had more than our fair share of excitement already."
Kathryn nodded thoughtfully. "Can you believe it's already been more than a year now?"
Chakotay set down his plate. "No, sometimes I still wonder what I'm doing in that central chair."
"An amazing job," Kathryn replied decisively.
"Yes, but somehow it will always be yours," Chakotay explained and smiled to show that he was fine with that.
He had known from the very beginning when he had accepted command of Voyager, he would merely replace Kathryn, not live up to her unique standard. There was no one who could possibly do that. Kathryn was the most resourceful and determined woman Chakotay knew and made the damn best Captain there ever was.
But she merely smiled at him. "Well, now that you mention it, I do miss it sometimes."
Chakotay nodded. "I'm sure, it misses you, too, I know I do."
The words had escaped his lips without thinking. Now Kathryn raised an eyebrow and Chakotay bit his lip. Watch your stupid mouth, he reprimanded himself. Well, it could have been worse, but still this road was dangerous enough.
"Strange, isn't it, how we find ourselves miss those times when all we wished for back then was to get home," Kathryn finally broke the silence.
Chakotay smiled in relief. "You know what they say. Sometimes it's not the destination that matters, but the journey."
"Well, I think the destination did matter, but the journey turned us into a family," Kathryn mused.
Family, Friends and way more than that, Chakotay thought, but this time kept his mouth shut.
"So, how are our other family members?" Kathryn asked now. "I try to keep track of them, but although one hundred-and-fifty is small for a crew, it's pretty big for a family."
Chakotay laughed. "Those on Voyager are fine although we had occasional complaints of boredom."
"Well, you can't blame them. They are not used to everything going according to plan," Kathryn teased him.
"Maybe I can ask Starfleet Command for something more exciting next time," he played along.
"Oh no! Continue categorising strange nebula, by all means! This way I can at least sleep at night without worrying about anything else but that ever-growing pile of padds."
Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "So you don't trust me to get our ship back in one piece the way you did?"
"What? No, that's not what I wanted to imply." Kathryn looked shocked and took his comment way more seriously than he had meant it. But he couldn't clarify his intentions before she added, "I do trust you with my life, Chakotay. I hope you know that."
Her blue eyes looked at him with such intensity that Chakotay couldn't help it. "I do know that, Kathryn, and I would give my life for yours anytime."
She stared at him and this time there was no way to misinterpret what he had said. He definitely had crossed their invisible line. Chakotay was about to apologize when Kathryn said just one single word:
"Why?"
Now it was his turn to stare. Was she actually opening this conversation? Was she actually opening the door to allow him to step right through her armour of duty and responsibility? Chakotay couldn't believe it and so he hesitated. He of course knew what he wanted. He always had.
"You know why, Kathryn," he finally replied with a hint of caution in his voice.
Kathryn's eyes gave nothing away. "Do I?"
Chakotay's heart was racing, but his mind still told him to hold his horses. He had loved Kathryn for years now. It had been his steady companion and he had gotten used to it. He absolutely adored Kathryn, but he also knew how badly she could hurt him. He shouldn't act head over heels now.
"If you want me to say it, Kathryn, just say the word. Believe me, there's nothing I'd like to do more. But do you really want me to?"
He looked at her quite calm, but in truth Chakotay was so tense he thought he might burst. Then Kathryn turned and looked out of the window instead. "No."
It was just a tiny, little word, but it broke Chakotay's heart into thousand pieces. He had told himself that he should act carefully. But this was as bad as if he had just told her he loved her. What did it matter whether she rejected him before or after? Rejection it was and it hurt like hell. It was his own fault. He had tried to pick a rose and got stung.
Unfortunately, this didn't make it any better and though some part of him still yearned for Kathryn's company, another thought it impossible to stay any longer. So Chakotay rose to his feet. "Right, then I guess I should go now."
Kathryn looked at him again and Chakotay thought he saw pain in her eyes as well. But he couldn't linger. She had brought this on the both of them.
"Keep everyone safe," was all Kathryn replied eventually.
Chakotay nodded and left.