(A/N: Hello! So, funny story behind this funny fic...my younger sister was in a bad accident back in July, and I told my author friend Exia about it. She decided to write a little Doctor Who one-shot as a gift to my sister. Just a fun little story because my sister is all about humor and sarcasm! So this one-shot will also be posted under Exia's profile, since we wrote the story together, and on AO3. Hope you all enjoy!)
Huff & Puff: the Big Bad Wolf Returns
The night air was superbly clear, this high up on the mountains. He could see far more stars here, above the cloudline, than he ever expected to. This was a planet centuries before it discovered coal and steam engines. The air was polluted only with the horrible gas of the population's favorite pet animal. Of course, they couldn't smell the ammonia it let off with every breath. He'd made generous use of his respiratory bypass.
The Doctor looked up, tracing the patterns in the sky. He knew every star, every constellation. His people had long since catalogued every system in the universe. But it was all from their point of view, all the constellations based upon a vantage point atop the skin of their world. Each planet had a different view, different constellations. The trick was to stand upon their land, and alter his perceptions to still be able to make out his stars.
Usually, the practice gave him comfort, some small way of keeping ties to a people who were all gone, save for him. But not this time. After the day's adventure, the people's troubles hitting just a bit too close to home, looking for his people's stars only made the ache of their loss hurt more. He was alone. He was always alone. He'd had friends that came and went as the years passed...but they always left him for one reason or another. Only one had wanted to stay. Only one he would have allowed to stay. But she had been taken from him, by a fate that neither of them could prevent.
Rose…
A sudden force collided with the Doctor's back, knocking him out of his maudlin thoughts and forcing him to the ground. He landed face-first in the dust with a muffled grunt, barely managing to avoid bashing his head on the ground.
"Doctor! There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you."
The Doctor froze, hands and arms locked from where he'd been preparing to lift himself off the ground. He knew that voice. Had replayed it in his mind a hundred times; on his monitor from the stored recordings, a hundred more.
It was the voice of Rose Tyler.
Strong arms wrapped around his neck from behind, a soft cheek nuzzled into his hair. "What are you doing up here? It's so gloomy. Though the stars are rather brilliant. Looking for anyone in particular?"
"Not...really…" the Doctor said, his voice suspiciously high pitched and breathy.
"Well. That's good to hear. Because I would be very cross if you were up here brooding."
"Brooding!" the Doctor spluttered. "I never brood!"
She laughed quietly into his ear, and goosebumps erupted all over the skin of his neck. He squeaked, and she laughed again.
"Rose Tyler, are you calling me a liar?" the Doctor demanded.
"I'm not calling you anything at all."
He harumphed, tossing his head. But he got a little too into the motion and he ended up knocking the back of his head into her nose. She squeaked; jumped up. He grunted; curled up, his spleen heartily objecting to being introduced to her sneaker.
"Ow, Doctor! Hard head!"
The Doctor pushed himself upright, wincing as his back objected. He turned around to look at her, but could only see her form. Her face was obscured by her hands as she poked tenderly at her nose. "Rose…" he said, taking one tiny step towards her. "Is it really you?"
Her voice was muffled by her hands, but her eyes were filled with amusement as they stared at him from over her fingers. "Who else would it be?"
"But...you're trapped. Stuck in another universe."
She lowered her hands, gave him a tender smile. "Obviously not."
He stared at her, utterly unable to find anything to say.
She approached him on soft feet, the leaves silent under her shoes. She put one hand on his cheek and despite everything, he was surprised at being able to feel the touch.
"I'm real, Doctor. Really real." She leaned in, gave him the softest of kisses on his cheek, and then turned away.
"Wait! Rose-"
But somehow, she was gone.
ooOO00OOoo
The Doctor tugged ineffectively at the bindings on his hands and feet. He was strapped down to a table, thoughtfully angled so that he could gaze about the room without straining his neck. He had been looking into a mysterious signal coming from this asteroid and had promptly been taken into custody by the scientists who were running it. They had been thrilled to discover that he had two hearts. And a respiratory bypass. And a two-chambered stomach.
The Doctor thumped his head back on the table in aggravation as he watched the scientists scurry around the room. One of them approached him with sensors that she began to stick on the various pulse points on the Doctor's body. She utterly ignored his objections to the cold as the suction cups came in contact with his skin. He absolutely was not insulted that she was completely disinterested in his shirtless form. Slim and a little bit foxy indeed.
The hustle and bustle of the scientists was interrupted by the sounds of singing.
"...ning in the rain. Just singing in the RAIN! What a glorious feeling I'm happy again!"
Everyone paused at the sound.
From the hallway beyond, Rose sailed into the room, a martini glass in her hand, and a tie around her head. But, it wasn't just any tie. It was a very familiar, very specific tie. A brown tie with blue swirls that the Doctor rather distinctly remembered wearing around his head when he'd come in to save Mickey and Rose in a eerily similar situation. It was probably the same martini glass, too. Though the brilliant green liquid in said glass most certainly was not. He could smell the alcohol from across the room.
She danced around the room, glass uplifted, her free hand making elegant gestures in the air as she twirled about.
"...Rose?" the Doctor said after a protracted moment, his teeth clenched over a growl. "You mind?"
Rose swirled to a stop, her eyes comically large in her face. She put her hand on her chest, the liquid sloshing dangerously in the glass. "Oh, my! What happened to my den?"
Two of the scientists looked at each other uncomfortably. "Den? This is our lab. How did you get in here?"
"Beats me," Rose shrugged tipsily. "Thought I was headed off to Marilyn Monroe's party." She twirled her half-full glass, "Just wanted a top-off before I left. I hear she fancies men in bowties," she grinned wolfishly, "gotta defend what's mine." She looked around. "Hey! What do you mean, what am I doing here? This is my den! What are you doing here!?"
One of the male scientists frowned severely and stepped forward. "Ma'am! I'm going to have to insist that you come with me." He reached out to grab her arm.
Rose twirled, and her pirouette took her neatly out of his immediate range. "Nuh-huh!" she told him, ticking a finger back and forth at him. "Hands off, sirra! Mr. Bowtie would not be happy with you fondling the goods." She kicked out a hip and rested her fist on it, her head tilted at a saucy angle. "You aren't a member of Hermits United."
"What?" the Doctor spluttered.
Rose ignored the Doctor and everyone else to wander over to one of the computer banks. Bemused by her play-acting, they foolishly let her. "Hm, this looks an awful lot like a biological amino-acid tracker and DNA disintegration/reintegration module."
"What!" the Doctor screamed.
Rose cocked her head to the side thoughtfully. "You know, electronics are funny things. Try to hack into them with sophisticated techniques, and you could get them to do whatever you want. But. I don't have those skills. Not yet anyway." She lifted her head and looked at the Doctor for the first time since she entered the room. "Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey," she said with a wink.
He goggled at her.
She snickered, and returned to her narration. "But you know what skills I do have? I am excellent at ruining hardware." So saying, she ripped the front paneling off the control panel and tipped the contents of her martini glass directly into the heart of the machine.
While the scientists proceeded to panic over this sudden turn of events (it seemed that showers of sparks in a room full of electronics was something to worry about) the bonds holding the Doctor popped open. He jumped from the table, joined Rose as she dashed for the door, and the two of them held hands as they made their escape. She laughed infectiously as they ran, the tie around her head trailed after them, pulling answering chuckles from him.
Just like old times.
He lead her through doors and down hallways, their laughter the only communication they needed. Until they hit a T junction and he looked back and forth between the two directions, baffled.
"Lost?" she teased him gently.
"Eh," the Doctor rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, keeping a strong grip on her with the other. "I know where I am, and where I'm going."
"Just not how to go from one to the other?" She smirked at him, the tip of her tongue peeking out between her teeth and the Doctor's heart melted a little bit more.
"Something like that."
Rose release his hand and he relinquished his grip on her hand reluctantly. She reached up, pulled the tie off her head, and slipped it around his neck instead. Then she loosened the tie he wore originally, pulled it over his head, and put it over her own, leaving it loose around her neck. She grinned up at him, pulled the trailing end of her tie up off her stomach, and kissed the end. "Where is Sexy?" she asked him.
"Ugh..."
Rose laughed, and flicked the end of her tie at him. "The TARDIS, you dunce," she tapped the side of his head.
He shook his head and focused. "Uhm. That way," he pointed off to the left.
"Well then. Off you go."
"Rose-" he took a step towards her.
"No, sir. You aren't a member of Hermit's United, either," she slid backwards away from him.
He straightened, affronted. "What do you mean, not a member! I came up with it!"
She propped her hands on her hips. "So? When was the last time you attended a meeting?"
"What?" He gaped at her. "Hermits don't have meetings!"
"Shows what you know," she shook her head, "we don't have time for this." She skipped forwards two steps, tugged on his tie and, when he bent towards her, planted a wet kiss right on his lips. "See ya!" she chirped, and dashed away.
Which therefore left the Doctor in the middle of the hallway with wet lips and a very dizzy mind. He shook himself and ran after her…only for the group of scientists they'd escaped earlier to come up from the other direction of the T junction, cutting off his pursuit of her. She waved saucily over their heads as she sped away.
"You've got to be kidding me…"
Taking the hint, the Doctor turned and legged it over to the TARDIS, making good on his escape. The whole way back, and for hours to come, he couldn't stop grinning. No doubts now.
Rose was back.
ooOO00OOoo
"Why isn't this place stocked with temporal modulators? It's ridiculous!" he muttered to himself. "They aren't that difficult to make. A little benezian quartz, some feluvian thread, wrap it in a little alloy and bam you're done!"
"If they're that easy, Doctor. Why don't you just make one yourself?"
The Doctor's lip curled. "I'm far too busy to be making something so basic."
"You probably just used the benezian quartz when you were rebuilding the toaster, weren't you?"
"A toaster should-" the Doctor stopped abruptly when the voice finally registered. He turned to see Rose Tyler emerge from a clothes rack with...a fruit hat. A hat. With actual fruit. He made out three bananas, four apples, and a pear. Yuck. "Rose?"
Rose smiled and struck a pose. "You like my hat? I figured since bananas are such good sources of potassium, having one on hand at all times would be a good idea. What do you think? I call it my fruit dispensary."
The Doctor reached up and freed a banana from the hat. "Knock, knock," he said as he began to peel it.
Rose gave him a pained look, but played along. "Who's there?"
The Doctor pulled an orange out of his pocket and tossed it at her. "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"
Rose groaned loudly and the Doctor grinned before taking a huge bite out of the banana.
Rose reached up, patting to find an apple. She replaced it with the orange and brought her arms down, rubbing the apple on her sleeve to polish it. She was just lifting it to her mouth when the Doctor lunged at her.
"Don't!" he screamed, knocking the apple from her hand.
"Doctor!" she cried, stumbling backwards in alarm. "What is it?" The Doctor was staring at the apple with such loathing, Rose was afraid that it might come alive and attack them. "Was it poisoned?"
"No," he said, his voice dark as she'd ever heard it. "Contaminated."
Rose shivered, "with what?"
The Doctor stared at her with stricken eyes. "The pear."
Rose blinked at him. "What?"
"Pears, Rose! Pears are evil," the Doctor told her earnestly.
Rose just shook her head. "You are insane, you know that?" She folded her arms. "Just so you know, you're going to owe me for that in the future." She pointed a finger at him imperiously, "and I'm going to collect. Right. Now."
The Doctor gaped at her while she spun on her heel and stalked away.
She didn't go far, though. She quickly turned back around, stormed up to him, ripped the hat off her head, and plopped it down on his. Then, smirking evilly, she pulled the pear off the hat, told him, "this is for ruining my apple," and shoved the pear into his open mouth.
She laughed and dashed away while he spluttered.
ooOO00OOoo
The Doctor was grumpy. Not a wholly unfamiliar mental state, to be sure, but one that he was reluctant to experience. But that was what tended to happen to one when one was subjected to constant misdirection by one's sentient, strong-willed time ship. She, lovely creature that she was, had a distinct tendency to completely ignore his commands and take him wherever she damn well pleased. It was quite...irksome. She'd been remarkably obedient recently.
Which really should have been his first clue that she was about to go off on some wild hare.
He'd been aiming for the mid-10,000's. Something in the tapestry cluster. Preferably one of the retirement planets. He'd found himself with a hankering for the local cuisine. Naturally, she'd gone in a completely different direction. Instead of wild rainbow forests to greet him upon his exit of the TARDIS doors, the Doctor had found himself inside the massive storage rooms of what appeared to be nothing more exotic than a supermarket.
Grumbling to himself, the Doctor left the TARDIS behind to wander the market with his hands sunk deep in his pockets. Long experience had taught him that when she got this way, the only thing to do was to explore the area until he had found whatever she intended him to discover. Otherwise, she would simply continue to land in the exact same time, simply in different areas, over and over until he gave up. She was remarkably stubborn for an eleventh dimensional being.
The Doctor found a double-swinging door and exited, kicking his way free, far too testy to bother opening the door with something so civilized as his hand. He found himself faced with racks and racks of food. Specifically, the frozen section. Shelves of gourmet frozen desserts stretched out, far as the eye could see.
"Sweet," he said in annoyance.
Rounding his shoulders in indignation, the Doctor stalked up and down the aisles, looking for whatever it was the TARDIS wanted him to find. He wandered the store for half an hour before he found it. He was out of surly land and straight into the realm ruled by the King of Foul Moods when he found it. Or rather - whom.
Instantly, the clouds parted, sunlight shone down, and a choir of angels began to sing from somewhere beyond the horizon.
"Rose…"
There she was. Highlighted between the ding-dongs and the chocolate covered banana-on-a-stick. Rose Tyler. Woman of his dreams. And nightmares. And those little mid-morning naps that sneak up on you when you really should be working but would rather do anything but.
For once, he had the drop on her. And he intended to keep it that way.
The Doctor flattened himself along the wall around the corner from her, reducing the likelihood of her noticing him. This time, this time, he was going to follow her back to wherever she'd come from and finally discover the source of her time jumps. He was going to discover how she'd come back and when she'd come back. And then he was going to give her a good, long, proper snog.
Maybe he'd do that first.
Rose closed the freezer door and shook her head sadly, moving down the aisle away from him with an empty basket swinging from one hand. The Doctor followed her carefully, emerging from hiding only after she'd turned another corner. He wanted no chance of her discovering him. He did get some strange looks when he entered the baby food aisle with a running dive. But it was worth it to stay off her radar when she'd suddenly turned around to go back to the dairy section. Though he couldn't fault her in her choice of cheeses.
It became more difficult to follow Rose in the open streets, after she exited the supermarket. There were only a handful of denizens present. Not enough to hide behind, and if he got too close she might see him. Which would be...okay, maybe not bad, but it would definitely ruin his plans. At worst, they'd only get to snog and he'd have to wait to run into her again before learning how she'd achieved her rapturous return.
ooOO00OOoo
Rose struggled not to laugh when she heard a child scold the Doctor as the Time Lord attempted to hide behind him. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure he was following her. Also to make it just a little harder for him to follow her. Just a little.
Should she have felt guilty for playing with her Doctor like this? Nah.
She had it on good authority that he needed to be almost frantic with his desire to figure out her miraculous escape from Pete's World. Though, if she were completely honest with herself (and why wouldn't she be?), she was enjoying this far more than she'd thought she would. Watching him run his fingers through that gorgeous hair, seeing the ends ruffle even more as he tugged gently on the ends...that mobile face of his sliding through its various expressions as he smugly stalked her down the street... How could she take that away from him?
She knew that she would have to, of course. It wasn't yet time for him to learn the truth.
With that goal in mind, Rose ducked into the nearest shop. She looked around with a wide grin, unable to help herself. She hadn't picked it on purpose, but a lingerie shop was just so absolutely perfect for her goal, she couldn't have done better if she'd tried. Because, alien or not, this was one shop the Doctor absolutely would not enter. Rose grabbed a few items off the nearest rack without looking and approached the shop attendant - a very nice looking purple fellow with fantastic eye make up - and set them down on the counter.
"I'm sorry," she said, pinning the articles of clothing down with her hand. "I don't actually want to buy these. But, I was wondering if you've got a back exit?"
The attendant, initially annoyed, smiled at her words. "We do indeed, bad date?"
Rose tilted her head to the side, considering. "I suppose you could say that."
The attendant came around the counter and put one of his four arms around her shoulders. "Don't worry, honey. I get your kind all the time. This way. Bring the clothing - it'll look more legitimate."
Rose snatched the items off the counter and allowed herself to be drug to the back, throwing a wicked grin over her shoulder at the Doctor where he paced back and forth awkwardly in front of the entrance. The attendant ushered her to a changing room, and she glanced at him in confusion. He guided her gently inside, removing the hangers from her hand.
"See the latch?" he asked, gesturing at the back wall.
Rose squinted in concentration, then reached out and felt the seam where the walls met.
"There. Lift the latch, it takes you to the back where the dumpsters are. Then you can make it out to the main street and join the crowds. He'll never know."
Rose smiled at him. "You're a life saver. Thank you!"
The attendant gave her a brief hug. "I know the feeling, hun. I had one date…." he shivered, sending all his various appendages quivering.
Rose patted him sympathetically on one arm. "Don't be too hard on him, if he comes in looking for me. I'm a time traveler, and he's from my past…"
His three eyes widened in understanding. "You can rely on me. You go."
Rose kissed him on what passed for a cheek, "give him hell," then made good on her escape.
The attendant made it back to the counter just as the Doctor got up the courage to enter the room. The Time Lord was met by a shark's grin, sharp teeth gleaming. "Can I help you?"
ooOOO00OOoo
The Doctor took a seat on the porch of the restaurant, watching the people go about their lives. He sat nursing a drink. Not usually one for consumption of mind-altering beverages, he was nonetheless indulging in a slight bout of self-pity. And the fermented kahflah was helping.
Rose was toying with him. Of that he was certain, now. Well. He'd been certain before, actually. But her tidy escape from him last time rather cinched it.
Why did she always run from him? Why would she never stay to explain - to tell him how and when she'd returned? The last time they'd spoken - properly spoken - she'd confessed her love to him. And he'd been on the verge of doing the same. He longed to complete his half-finished sentence. But circumstances, and Rose herself, had conspired to make it such that he was unable to do so.
Why?
The Doctor drained his drink angrily, returning the glass to the table with a firm click.
The waiter swept in, gathering up his glass and depositing a different, fresh one. "Here you are, sir. My compliments."
The Doctor blinked at it warily, before staring up at the waiter. "I didn't order this."
The waiter blinked back. "Yes, sir. As I said, my compliments."
"But...I didn't order it."
The waiter shifted. "No, sir."
"...I see. Thank you."
"Very good, sir. Enjoy your disobedient dog."
"Wha-?"
The waiter escaped before the Doctor could pin him down and make him explain.
The Doctor sipped warily at his drink. And found it surprisingly tasty. A combination of mint, mango, and banana. He finished it quickly, and it was almost immediately supplanted with different, but equally as tasty, beverage. This one was called "poor canine". After that was "terrible pup", "horrible cur", and "misbehaved mutt".
The Doctor twirled the glass in his long fingers. "Rose…" he murmured despondently. "Why are you hiding from me?"
Dramatic strings floated out to him from the interior of the restaurant, warbling up and down in a moving rendition of a classic song from an Old Earth boy band.
"Quit playing games with my heart…" the Doctor whispered in time with the music.
Light hearted laughter joined the music, overwhelming it. The Doctor froze, the glass ceased its twirling. He knew that laugh. Knew it as well as he knew his own heartbeats.
"Rose…"
The Doctor stood slowly to his feet, turning a circle to stare into the restaurant interior. And there she was. Blond hair, pink jacket, wide smile. Rose Tyler. Defender of the Earth.
Bad Wolf.
She smiled and it was radiant. "Hello, Doctor." She held out her hand to him, fingers spread and wiggling in an offering for him to take it. An offer he recognized from when he'd first regenerated.
He stepped forward and grasped her hand with a grin.
"Run," she tugged on his hand, and the two of them dashed down the street, laughter escaping them like sunbeams.
They rounded a corner, bumped into another couple, and lost each other's hands in the ensuing chaos. There was laughter and apologies, the Doctor helped steady one of the other men, playfully dusting the shoulders of a jacket free of blemishment. When he looked around, Rose was gone.
But there was a TARDIS.
Not his TARDIS, but one very similar. Same blue exterior, same light at the top. But the paint was newer, the woodwork fresher. As if she'd gone through an extensive re-work. A past life? Not likely. The TARDIS had never looked so good - she'd been ancient when they'd met. So that left….
Future.
The Doctor stepped away from the couple, pulling his key out of his pocket. Dangerous or not, he would have his answers. Before he could slide the key into the lock, the door popped open and a bow-tie wearing, tweed-sporting idiot stuck his floppy-haired self out.
"Hello, Doctor!" the man chirped.
"What?" The Doctor tried to look around the man, to the interior of the TARDIS. "Who are you? Where'd Rose go? Better yet," the Doctor's gaze narrowed, "what are you doing in the TARDIS?"
The man stepped completely free of the TARDIS doorway, allowing the door to close behind him as he adjusted his bowtie and conveniently blocking the Doctor's entrance to the most marvelous of spacetime ships. "I," he said proudly, "am here to annoy you."
"Clearly." The Doctor tried to move around him. "Do you mind? I have questions that need answering and I have no time for…" The Doctor thought for a moment. "A...bow-tie wearing...imbecile," he finished lamely. Not his best insult to date, but the best he could manage with Rose on the mind.
The other man's face collapsed into a hurt scowl as he reached up once more to touch his tie, as if comforting the cloth - protecting it from the Doctor's harsh words. "Bowties are cool," he said with the air of a man who was repeating something so often in hopes of making it reality. But the hurt look melted away quickly, and the man leant against the doorjamb of the TARDIS, crossing one ankle over the other until he was fairly draped over the entrance, making it utterly clear that he was not only blocking the Doctor's entry, but doing so gleefully. "Not the point, Doctor. What are you doing here?"
The Doctor ran his hand through his hair in frustration. This was the last thing he needed right now. "I just told you, I'm here to get answers, now move."
"Fine. Ask."
"Ask you?" Was this man serious? "What could you possibly know? Out of my way!"
The man simply smirked in the face of the Doctor's mounting fury. "You want answers, but won't ask questions. Foolish Time Lord." He paused, taking in the Doctor's stunned expression. "Shall I guess?" Not waiting for an answer, he began to tick off points on his fingers. "You've been stalked by one Rose Tyler, a.k.a. Bad Wolf, and have followed her back here. You are now determined to gain entry to the TARDIS and either A) confront her about her mysterious return or B) confront the Doctor about her return. In addition, you hope to gain some small peak at the new console room that you know is on the other side of this door, all the while hopefully getting in a snog or two. Yes?"
The Doctor stared slack-jawed, at the floppy-haired man. How could he possibly-
And then it clicked. "Oh."
The man grinned. "Yes. Oh."
The Doctor nodded vaguely as the rest of the puzzle pieces fell together. "So you're-"
"You. Yes. And you're me! Isn't that fun?"
The Doctor looked his future self up and down. "I'm actually dreading it. Tweed? Really?"
The future Doctor shrugged unconcerned in the face of his previous incarnation's dubious attitude. "You work with what you've got. Now. I'll ask again. What are you doing here, Doctor?"
The younger Doctor sighed in aggravation. "I'm looking. For. Rose."
The older Doctor ducked his head, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "Yes, Doctor. One more time. What are you doing. Here."
"You keep saying that. What do you mean, what am I-oh, oh."
And then he finally understood.
"There he goes!" The future Doctor reached out and gave his younger self a hearty slap on the shoulder. "Give the man a medal! Always said you were brilliant. Well. I mean, we're brilliant, actually."
The Doctor took a step away from himself. "Don't ruin the moment," he mumbled under his breath.
"Too late!" the older Doctor chirped, disgustingly cheerful. Then again, he had a Rose Tyler on board. His smile faded into seriousness, and he spoke earnestly to his younger self. "I won't lie. It won't be easy. But…" he turned to glance over his shoulder at the closed TARDIS doors, doubtless imagining what awaited him on the other side of it.
"Worth it?" guessed the Doctor as he stared longingly at the door of the TARDIS, hope swelling in his chest.
The bow tied Doctor turned to stare him in the eyes. "Absolutely." Then his smile broke out upon his face once more. "Geronimo!" He raised one hand, clicking his fingers together, and the TARDIS doors swung smoothly open behind him. He slipped inside before his younger self could get more than a brief glimpse of the interior - just a sensation of glass and light everywhere. And on the platform beyond the door, one hand on the glowing gold rotor…
Rose Tyler was smiling at her Doctor.