"Brother.."
The word had hung in the darkened kitchen between himself and the killer. Kyle was kind, trusting; good.
He wasn't a fool.
With one hand around Cassidy's throat and the other trembling at his side; twitching and itching, his first thought was that of disgust.
He wasn't related to this coward, to this monster. The fleeting idea alone that he could be had made Kyle grip the offender's neck tighter between his hand.
"Kyle, don't do this. Don't be an idiot. Listen to me", repeated again and again, pleading; begging.
"You don't want to die." Kyle had said, honest confusion lacing his words.
Neither had Sarah. Thinking of Sarah had in turn made him think of Jessi. " ..I'm going to hurt Jessi, until she wishes she really had died."
This bastard had killed Sarah, and would kill Jessi if given the chance. He wouldn't change, he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't let her be safe.
"You're a liar, and a thief.. and a murderer; a MONSTER!" Kyle had yelled, rage obscuring his vision. Anything that came from Cassidy was a lie, was a trick... was meant to cause pain. Anything that came from Cassidy was evil.. and his family and friends always said Kyle was good. What other choice did he have? He knew it was wrong; knew there had to be another way.
Yet the man's intentions were clear: He'd hurt them all; kill them all. He couldn't lose his family, he couldn't lose his life.
Standing in his family's kitchen, broken things everywhere, Kyle knew there was no other option that would ensure the same level of result. They had to stay safe.
As he threw Cassidy to the floor, grabbing a knife from the counter, Kyle said only one thing.
"You won't hurt anyone.. ever again."
He'd been sitting on his kitchen floor for 2 hours, 34 minutes and 16 seconds until he realized the guilt he was waiting to wash over him and pull him under like a riptide wasn't coming.
The pain of that was so overwhelming tears fell from his face unknowingly.
Was it wrong to hope that when the woman you love as a mother tells you that "you've changed".. that you could change back?
Left with no guilt, and the hollow feeling of satisfaction for killing a man made Kyle believe that it indeed had been a mistake to hope.
Even worse still was that he could feel what she'd meant now; could feel the change. He'd been forced to live the greater part of his life alone and asleep, .. change wasn't something he had managed to cope with yet.
Change had caused pain for his family, for Amanda and Jessi, for Adam and Sarah. Change had brought real-life horror into the home of those he cared for above all else.
Change had created him in the first place. He wondered idly if Adam would have been proud of him for what he'd done, or ashamed. He didn't want to wonder what his family would think.
Standing, Kyle surveyed the damage to the patio doors and kitchen interior, intending to attempt a clean-up before his family came home.
He'd tell them; not telling them had never crossed his mind.. not even once.
Bending down, he picked up piece after piece of shattered glass, broken wood.. bloodstained curtains. This would be it, He'd thought hopelessly; the catalyst that would drive the Tragers away from him.
In his heart, Kyle didn't believe that; knew they would always love him. Thinking about the alternative was not something his stomach could handle.
His hope that everything would be okay had returned with Jessi, and in a moment of clarity he remembered many other occasions where she had been his life-raft.
Denial had indeed been his friend for some time now, and he cringed internally at how selfish he'd been.
It seemed like truly everything about him had changed, seeing as how with even Amanda standing in the doorway beaming up at him he couldn't help but meet her eyes first.
He had never really understood why, even when everything else confused and hurt him, Jessi was there.. somehow not letting it crush him entirely. She had said it so many times before."You and I are the same". They were.
So much the same, yet still so frighteningly different. He was day while she was night, he was timid where she was bold. She was his other half and He didn't know why he'd never seen that before.
Amanda & himself were 'kindred spirits' as Foss had mentioned once. [Kindred Spirits - Individuals having a similar or related origin, nature, or character]
He knew that everything about her had made him feel warm, fuzzy, and safe. Normal love. "The last time we had this conversation, a skylight exploded! You're not.. NORMAL, you're never gonna be"
It had made sense that he would love Amanda, as they were so much alike. But he was.."Smarter, stronger... faster". Like Jessi.
Wasn't that the bottom line anyway? She was his equal; knew him inside and out. He cared about her so much, and was so hurt when she hurt.
She loved who he loved, lived where he lived, knew what he knew, saw what he saw. He couldn't NOT love her. His soulmate.
He tore his eyes away from Jessi's & looked down into the eyes of the shorter(he'd never noticed that before..) blonde girl who could somehow feel that everything had shifted; changed.
He had hated to hurt her, because that's who he was. But he just..wouldn't hurt Jessi ever again, and hurting Amanda had been as inevitable as the conversation he had just had with her.
He had been shocked by her Jessi-bashing rant, and had told her so. She had screamed and he had found himself more shocked, and annoyed.
He had told her the truth, and it had been difficult. He just wasn't in love with her anymore, and it wasn't fair to anyone to pretend that he was.
Jessi had slipped away moments before they had started talking, so now awaiting him was the fun task of figuring out exactly how to tell her everything and make it all okay.
He and Jessi needed to talk, about everything that had happened in the past few months. About Adam, about Sarah.. Cassidy.. Them.
He had found her in the kitchen, staring at a spot on the floor he'd apparently missed. As he walked inside, her eyes darted to his quickly & held just long enough for him to see the most predominate of her emotions swimming within them.
Fear. Hope. Confusion. Sadness. more Fear. and Love. His heart skipped a beat, and wondered if it was because he was being honest with himself now. If it was different being in love with her too.
Walking over to her, he gently took her hand in his and pulled her to into the living room & sat with her on his-their couch.
"Cassidy?" she had asked, with a questioning tone and hysteria bubbling beneath the surface. "He's... dead, Jessi. I.." Without warning, everything around him had become fuzzy, and he felt sad; scared.
"He wouldn't have stopped Kyle. He would have kept hurting you, he would have.." Of course she knew that guilt was flooding through every fiber of his being. She knew him so well, and he felt guilty for that too.
The feeling of weight pressing down on him increased as he wondered if either of them could truly ever be happy.
Why!? Why them? Why had they been born with nothing, with no one; only to have those they developed feelings for be torn away. Why couldn't they just LOVE and BE LOVED and that's it?! Why did they have to always have this pain; this danger.
"I just want us to be happy Jessi. I think we deserve it, and I've tried so hard and it's just one thing after another.." And there went the tears. He wasn't as bothered as Declan & Josh were about crying, but it made him feel small & vulnerable and young.
Jessi, of course, reached out for him at the exact moment he couldn't keep himself up any longer. She deserved love more than he did, because no matter what burden came for him, she took whatever amount she could off of his shoulders and smiled for him while doing it. He wasn't that strong. He wanted Nicole, he wanted his Tub. He wanted his blank slate again.
She had held him, and spoke to him gently. "I know you're too fuzzy to talk right now, Kyle, but when you're ready to talk I'm here. You know that." and He did. He did know how much she cared, and how much she understood. "You and I are the same"
He couldn't form a coherent phrase at that moment, it was true. So he did something he imagined she would do, and gently brought her wrist to his lips. Her sharp intake of breath and rapid heart-rate increase made him smile despite himself. And right then, his tub was great, and so was his mother. But Jessi.. Jessi was home.
Nicole was flawless, and honestly he shouldn't have expected anything else. "You could never do anything to make us love you any less". His tears and bone crushing hugs were an obvious sign of his worried anticipation.
Lori had tackled him as soon as she'd seen the kitchen, and Stephen had needed to sit down.
"Enough with the hugging people, it's not like Super Mom doesn't pull this crap like, every day." Josh had joked, the joy that everything was still okay invisible to anyone but them.
He was right though, as Josh tends to be on occasion. 'Super Mom' was the perfect title for Nicole Trager. From the sight of himself & Jessi, who had fallen asleep on the couch the previous night; him clutching her, even in sleep, as if his life depended on it, to the damage done to their kitchen & the truth about what had happened to the killer. She hadn't wavered once; but had taken both him & Jessi into her arms and whispered words that sounded like "I love you" and "it's okay, you're home". She had smiled and nodded gently to Jessi when He'd asked them for some privacy.
He'd poured her a cup of tea; a habit he'd picked up from his mother, and sat down next to Jessi.
They'd spent hours in the dining room, talking about everything they had both kept locked up inside of themselves for months.
He had told her of how much he missed Adam, and that he wished Foss would spend more time around His-their family. She had confided how much it had actually hurt her to see him with Amanda, and how she wanted to name her first daughter after her mother. Secrets and dreams and trivial information, laid out before each other. They'd never felt closer.
"With all that's happened, and all we've been through.. They seem like such obvious & mundane words, but.. I love you Jessi." She had cried; he had held her, till she was able to talk herself.
"That's what last night..?" she'd asked, her eyes still lined with tears. He had simply nodded, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I want to be with you Jessi, and I'm sorry that it took me so long to understand."
She looked up at him, tears lining her eyes.. but behind them He could see a glow, small as can be, but growing every second. She took a deep breath, as if to center herself & spoke; never once taking her eyes off his. "I love you too, but.. Well, you know that. I'm not sure there's anybody left that doesn't" Her lip quivered once, and then she buried her head into his chest. "It's incomparable." She whispered, eyes closed. "What is, Jess?" He asked, though somehow he already knew. "How happy I am right now.." she sighed. He simply smiled. "Perfect, I think." He had kissed her, and the power had surged. Josh had yelled from somewhere in the house to "Experiment with Electricity somewhere that his food wasn't prepared" They both laughed, and her words rang in his head again. "You and I are the same" Yes, and.. for once, that was the only explanation he needed.
He sighed happily, and breathed in Jessi, his family, their house, their life. His mind was more advanced than any computer, but he could find no other definition for this feeling of home.
He'd called Foss later that night, making sure all loose ends he had control of were tied up. Foss had told him not to worry.
They'd talked of Adam, and funeral arrangements, and Latnok.
He'd mentioned his desire for Foss to come around more, which had been answered with yet another "Don't worry about it."
Maybe things are really back to normal. There have been no police, no missing person reports, no Latnok, no Grace Kingsley. Maybe it was all sick coincidence.
When he thinks about it, the ones who have caused his life the most terror had always turned out to be mad, power-tainted people. Rebecca Thatcher, the woman who had wanted him dead even though he had never seen her face. Julian Ballantine, who was in essence a boy trying to fit into his father's shoes & play a mad scientist. Not Emily Hollander. He'd been aggravated with her for lying to Jessi, and angry with her for handing her to to that madman, but he'd never believed she was bad. He'd even gone to see her recently, to ask her if she was looking for 2 new employees on their own though, who had called himself a father but acted like a God, had just been bad. Not mad, or power-hungry. Just selfish, and apathetic. He couldn't even think of Cassidy yet without making a few nearby lights flicker, so he focused on Jessi, whom Declan was teaching how to play basketball. It seemed things truly were different, no matter which way he looked at them. Declan was, in all honesty, the best friend He believed a guy could have.
He'd been shocked when Declan had mentioned his idea of traveling with Foss for a few years, to replace him when the time came. Because now he had 2 separate, but heart-encompassing reasons to stay by the Trager's side. Love was everywhere around them all lately, and for that Kyle was thankful. They'd all had enough unhappiness to last anyone a lifetime.
Kyle stood up and walked over to Jessi, who couldn't help but gloat every time she scored another point on Declan. "Jessi, Declan. Everyone's waiting for us, lets start heading home". Jessi links her arm with His, and Declan continues giving her pointers as they walk, offhandedly commenting on Foss's lack of sports-appreciation. Kyle brings up his wariness on the idea again, & he responds with a placating "It's not like it's tomorrow Kyle, I mean... after all of the bullshit that's gone down since you got here, I don't think any of us is gonna be running headlong at responsibility anytime soon." Kyle smiles again, and Jessi needs no other incentive to do the same. He thinks about it.. Maybe things haven't changed completely.
~The scene is set with the three of them arriving home; Declan practically lives there now, and Stephen still twitches about that. Him and Jessi with matching smiles incites Josh's comment on the "lovestruck Test-Tube Tragers", which makes Him laugh & Jessi smile. Jessi Trager. That thought makes his heart stop momentarily, and he trips over a chair in the living room. Lori, who's just come down the stairs, stifles a laugh & starts arguing with Declan about 'Why men should have their girlfriend higher on their priority list then her siblings & basketball.' Andy can be heard on speakerphone throwing a quick hello to the 'Superkids' & the 'married couple' and complaining about mandatory family dinners with no laptop. He can hear Nicole finishing up a report in her & Stephen's bedroom, knowing that she won't be able to wait more than 5 more minutes to come see Jessi & himself. Stephen will be home from work soon, & Nicole always makes more than enough of.. anything. "You sure make a great-" "Declan!" He & Jessi sometimes wake up for no reason, the fear hiding deep down inside them that maybe It's not over. But with each day that they're happy, they feel more safe. Someday, not too long from now, they'll be bigger than life.. "You can change the world, Kyle"
With her by his side, he believes that now. They can change it together. So he leans back and smiles; enjoying Jessi in his arms, his family happy, love thriving around them. And God, he loves being home.