WE NEED A BATHOUSE!

An Akatsuki/Org. XIII Fanfic

By Ashthedigi010

I do not own the Akatsuki or Org. 13, despite that fact that I am called Zetsu.

The day started out swimmingly. Not a cloud in the sky, no chipmunk entrails splattered on my cloak. I am Zetsu, the informant for the Akatsuki. With our lair destroyed, (Do NOT ask) I had been sent out to locate a new house. I mean, seriously, no one wants to live in a shack, except maybe Itachi. He's odd that way. While out striding (For walking is for pirates) I came upon a billboard. "HOT GIRLS ARE WAITING FOR YOU NOW! GO TO THE PLAYBOY MANSION!" I disregarded this. It was un- Are you serious? Hot girls dude! Almost as good as Powerthirst! Or.... I am terribly sorry. My insane half was talking. I shall restrain him in the future. As I was... PIMPS RULE. No matter. I kept on walking, and arrived at a foreclosure sale. I had just walked in the door, when I noticed something. It was big. Very big and awkwardly made. It was a castle. I looked outside. "Castle Oblivion. My, I think I've heard that name before." I said to myself. Then my mind clicked. (Click.) It was the castles were that kid kicked some awesome ass! I quickly walked back inside, marveling at the grandeur of the hues that covered the halls. Not noticing where I was going, I bumped into someone. "I'm so sorry." I said, standing up. As the person I bumped into stood up, I recognized them. "Are you Zexion?" I asked. "Why yes, I am." He responded. "What can I do for you?" I inhaled and started explaining. "I'm Zetsu of the Akatsuki, our hideout was destroyed and I was sent out to find us a new lair and I came upon the castle here and saw that it was for sale." I took a breath, and continued. "How much is it selling for?" Zexion flipped through his book, and found a page. "50,000,017,563 Munny/Ryo. A little more than you expected?" "Yep." I said, trying to keep my face from melting. "Tell you what, we both need a base right? How about we work together?" I pondered this, and agreed.

* * *

We spent the next few days on the road, as it helps to have a pickup. We eventually found an inn, which we stole and airlifted. Some whiny guy who called himself Kentaro got in our way, so we tied him to a tree. The girls in the inn weren't happy either. Ignoring their cries of anger, we drove off while dragging them at the back of the pick up. "Hey, Zetsu." Asked Zexion. "Couldn't we just find a huge mansion and just take that?" I searched my minds for any mansions that we could take. YOU IDIOT. JUST TAKE THE PLAYBOY MANSION. YOU GET FREE LOVE SLAVES TOO. For once, my evil half had a smart idea. "The playboy mansion." I said. "Damn straight." Zexion said, spinning the truck around, and smashing the girls into a tree. "TRUE LOVE IS CALLING AND IT SAYS TO GO TO THE PLAYBOY MANSION!" I shouted loudly. "What are you talking about? Zexion asked. I called up Pein to tell him the good news. "Hey boss, does the playboy mansion sound good for our new place?" Pein was quiet. Then he spoke. "Go ahead, I'll find the place. The rest of the team will meet us there." Then Zexion called Xemnas. "Superior, how about the Playboy mansion? We're sharing it with another organization. We clear to attack?" Xemnas answered through the phone. "Yes, I'll send the Beserkers." And so the razing began. Many lives were lost, but none of the structure was hurt. Unfortunately, the girls in the mansion were all killed. WIN SOME LOSE SOME. My evil half said in response. Any way, we grafted the former inn onto the mansion, creating a huge multipart mansion of doom. (Could that be any cooler?) Kisame claimed the pool of course, and Demyx took offense at this, at which they had a full scale dance off, which resulted in Larxene beating them across the yard. I see why she's called the savage nymph. Zexion says that's not the reason. "Okay," Pein said. "We have to draw the lines so that we have equal house territory. I suggest we split it at the grafting zone." "Well, I suggest that we take Camelot and add that on the other side of the inn!" Xigbar shouted at him. There was silence. An awkward silence. "I'll go get the airlift." Zexion muttered. Needless to say, the past did not enjoy our use of our skills. "Well," Hidan said after the siege, "Christianity may be gone in the future, but hell, we got the mansion to be cooler." We headed back and grafted that too. Now we each had a entire mansion/castle to ourselves. More to follow when I remember the rest.

* * *

Time passed, Pein got his pimp license and we crushed Konoha and left our stunt doubles to play out the rest, Larxene gave up powerthirst, which stopped giving her PMS every five days, and Xaldin wrote a children's book called "Kill the Bunny," based on the true story of Roxas's pet bunny which was named Mordac. "Zetsu, get off your laptop and help get Xigbar away from the battlements!" Shouted Kakazu. "Get him yourself! I still have the bullets in my hands!" I paused, and swiveled around. "You know how they look like stigmata? Nuns freak out when I walk by." "Nobody cares." Kakazu said back. Then I heard a scream. A scream of joy/hilarity. Xigbar fell off the castle, and then hit the bathroom in the garden. I quickly walked over to the bathroom to inspect the damage. "JESUS CHRIST IT'S A XIGBAR! GET OUT OF THE CAN!" Laughed Hidan, who was not that far away.

And that's how we started living in a mansion. -Zetsu

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MORE TO COME!