You don't know how you feel for him. You're close to him, closer to him than you have been to any of your friends, but can you and he really be called friends?
You and he, you're to much a partof each other's lives for that simple word. There's too much emotion for it to be friendship, but it's too physical to be called brotherly love, or the love between a father and son. It's too much like lovers.
It's the love that you feel for your girlfriend, the exact same kind, except you feel more strongly towards him than you could ever feel towards her.
And yet, you can't bring yourself to call it love, because he's an old man, and you're a teenager, and it's just not right.
You can't imagine ever wanting to suck him off or let him fuck you, but whenever he's near your body screams at you to reach out, to hold him. You want to sleep with your head pillowed on his shoulder. You want to kiss him, but that leads back to the thoughts of sex, and that's still disgusting in your mind. And if that's disgusting then obviously you don't really want him, do you?
So you lay awake at night and your mind runs in circles, but you can never reach a conclusion, because he's old and you're young, and you can't get past that one, simple fact.