Disclaimer: I do not own Love Hina nor do I own any of the other series that may be mentioned in this story. If I did, I'd be rich…I'm not. Dear lord I'm not…
Life is Chaos, Chaos is His
Chapter 1: Merry Matchmaker Manufactures Maniacal Meetings
By Irritus185
Life is full of meetings. They determine how life will progress. Life is also full of alcohol. It helps life go by much more smoothly. More often than not, mixing the two is a bad idea. I should know. Why do you think Atlantis sank?
– Urd, Goddess of the Past
Huh, was the ceiling supposed to be spinning that way? Better yet, was the floor supposed to be rising and sinking like waves? She was pretty sure she wasn't at the beach, nor was the building flooding. Though the last time with that faulty boiler and fifth of whiskey had been one hell of an explosion. She wasn't even sure where the sharks had come from, and why the hell did they have lasers strapped on to their foreheads?
Groaning, she looked around. Bottle here, bottle there, bottles piled under her like some sort of throne. Oh, so that's why her back was so creaky. Rolling over, the woman groaned louder when she fell flat on her face, the bottles tinkling around with a melodious, mocking tune. Damn bottle fairies, why did they have to torment her so? She was having such a good time with the spirit spirits right until the hangover gremlins joined the party. Now they were using her head as a personal drum set. Damn party crashers…
She never realized her skull made such hollow noises. Maybe her brain was on vacation?
Picking herself up, the woman managed to arrange herself into a sitting position. Her age had seriously begun to show on her. Wrinkles were spread across her face and body, in need of a good starching and ironing. Her spine had collapsed, reducing her height by half. Her joints creaked and her bones ached, oh how she was getting old…
No wait, the creaks and aches were coming from the tatami mat floor. Her foot fell through one of them, puffing up dust and straw everywhere. Whoops, this place was in need of heavy renovation. She couldn't expect much else. This place had been around since the Meiji era. Hell, she wouldn't be surprised if those damn samurai spirits sealed away in the basement would escape to torment the living anytime soon. She really needed to renew those talismans. Cocky, little bastards….especially that one with the wolf-like eyes. 'Kill evil immediately' indeed. Old man just wanted to annoy the younger generation. She still remembered when he smacked her for dropping that soda can on the street.
The old lady blinked blearily, her vision blurred and distorted from the alcohol. Huh, where was everyone? It was a party, why wasn't anyone having fun like idiots?
She looked to her left. Well, there was her daughter and idiot husband. The younger man had his head in his wife's lap, a goofy and drooling grin on his face. It was kind of odd considering that the woman's daughter had her fist grinding into his forehead. The mother sighed. What was it with her family's females attracting such stupid males? It was like they specifically gave off some sort of pheromone that attracted those of a lesser intelligence.
Her sigh took a wistful aspect as she thought of her husband. Well, at least they were easy to manipulate. Such a big, dumb male. Oh, how she love ordering him around so. The elderly lady grasped around for a still half-full bottle of sake. Delightfully finding an unopened one, she bit down on the top and yanked the cork out with her teeth, taking a long drawn-out swig.
Hiccupping as the burning sensation traveled down her throat, she looked to her right. Awww…how cute. Her two grandchildren were cuddling with each other, her granddaughter with her arms drawn protectively around her younger cousin. Even though she was a good eight years older, the girl seemed very attached to the boy. Now if she could only lose her nasty habit of smacking him with that halisen. She got that from her mother after all.
The woman's smile dropped into a rueful frown. Ah, so young and to lose her mother like that. The woman sighed when she thought about her eldest daughter. First her husband and then her. Too sad…too sad…
She sniffed, rubbing her eyes. Oh, who was she kidding?! This was supposed to be a happy occasion! It was a family reunion for her last living relatives!
Hinata Urashima slapped her crisscrossed legs with an open palm. There was no need to get all gloomy! Hell, if she wanted to get gloomy, she'd go listen to the ramblings of those creepy old men that wandered around Hinata Hot Springs when the fog came in. God, those grandpas were annoying! And they never made sense! Or did anything of usefulness!
Hinata let out a small burp before bursting out into raucous laughter. Those old farts! They had been wrinkled prunes since she was a wee girl!
She put the bottle to her lips. Wait, what? Hinata tilted the bottle upside down. Not even a drop came out.
"Awww….crap." She dropped the bottle and dove into the pile. It was like finding a needle in a haystack, except the needles was sake and wasn't exactly in the stack but the hay itself and that was actually physically impossible as they took up the same amount of space but sake was a liquid so that may bypass those laws and-
Growling, she swam back out. Not one bottle! Not a single drink! Well, there was only one solution for that!
Stop drinking? The rational and sarcastic part of her brain suggested (the two had been combined after being ignored for so many years of her life thus saving space for more useful things – like insanity or the desire to punch a whale.)
"No!" she crowed. "Gotta buy schome more boozsh!"
Stumbling over to the phone, she smooshed buttons in some sort of manner. It probably had nothing to do with an actual phone number but maybe it did if she could figure out what that squiggly line was (it was a 5 by the way.) But she knew that she would get liquor out of the process somehow!
The other end picked up after only one ring. Hinata giddily waited as a sultry female voice answered. "Hey, you've reached the Goddess Technical Hotline." Weird thing to call a liquor store but whatever. "We'll be over in just a sec ta grant your request." Even personal service! Sounded like a real classy establishment.
She twisted her head when something bright flashed behind her. Hinata watched as the screen of the TV flared with a celestial luminescence. Shortly after, a figure pushed her way out of the contraption. Wow, even faster than she expected! Her eyes narrowed. Wait a minute…the person was a gaijin! And a really flashy one at that!
The woman seemed to be in her late twenties, darkly-tanned with white hair, almost like those so-called trendy ganguro. Her clothes looked like loose robes and cloths that hung off her luscious form – pillowly breasts, rolling hips and shapely legs – with a definite come-hither vibe. Her face only amplified the effect - sulfurous eyes, full lips and a gaze that was simply screaming of mischief and good, night-filled times. How scandalous!
Finally shoving her way out of the TV, Urd swore she would either find a way to enlarge the damn screens or go on a diet. Her ass always caught on the edge even though it was perfectly toned and pert (her mother had the exact same problem, even if she'd never admit it.) As the goddess looked at her client, she bit back the frown that tried to force its way out. The elderly woman looked like the traditional type, Japanese no less. Those were the hardest people to deal with because of the goddesses'…different demeanors. Urd's spitfire attitude was probably the worst match, but it wasn't like she had much of a choice. Belldandy had been working too much and needed a break so she, being the older sister, decided to take her place granting desires. She was broken out of her thoughts when Hinata spoke.
The woman narrowed her eyes. "Yersh a bit flashy for a delivery girlsch, ain'tcha?" she slurred out.
Urd grinned slyly. "And you're a bit too drunk for someone so old, aren't ya, grandma?" If she had to deal with this kind of person, at least she could have fun.
Hinata frowned deeply and stared at the Norse goddess for a second. Urd waited for the inevitable tongue-lashing but all she got was the woman bursting out into a playful grin. "Ahch, you're feishy! I like that! You young kidsch should be asch feischy as you want!" Not that it mattered that Urd was at least a couple thousand times older than the woman. "So, ya gonna take my order then?"
Urd blinked. So, this woman was a lot different than she first assumed. How…delightful. The fact that she was drunk and Urd had no authority to change her mental state would make this even better. "Yep, I am Urd, goddess of the past, and I am here to grant you one wish. So…what do ya want?" She sat in front of the woman, her legs' position matching Hinata's.
"Schome more boosch!"
Urd laughed. Well, at least it wasn't in the form of a wish. That would have been awkward. "Granny, that's a great one, but I mean something better. You can have anything you want. Money, power, anything your heart desires as long as it is physically possible."
Hinata blinked. What kind of services was the booze industry giving these days? Eh, as long as they were offering. Her eyes swiveled over to sleeping cousins. Yes, that would do just fine.
"Great-grandbabies."
"Eh?" Urd didn't think she heard that right.
"I want great-grandbabies."
"That's a bit vague. Could you try to be a bit more specific?"
Hinata pursed her lips. Bah, why couldn't she just do it? Her tone lost the slur as her fervor was worked up and thinly-veiled obsession rose to the surface. "I'm getting old. I have children and grandchildren but I don't have great-grandbabies. I want them! Lots of them! Before I die!"
Urd chuckled at the wobbling woman. Really, drunks were so fun to deal with. Especially mortal ones. They just didn't know how to hold their liquor. Gods could burn through the intoxication with minimal ease. Well, except for Loki. He quite enjoyed acting liking an ass. Though it was hard to determine whether it was the drink or just him. "You do realize babies aren't just made, right? You've gotta do…" She glanced over to the children. "And they seem a bit young for that."
"I know that! But I want grandbabies!" She couldn't ask that of Haruka. Going through childbirth that many times (at least a dozen kids to start with) would be painful and she doubted the headstrong girl would willingly do it. But Keitaro…Lots of girls and lots of lovers would mean lots of babies! It made perfect sense! Or at least the bottle fairy on her shoulder said so, and when had they ever steered her wrong?
The time she had fought that bear single-handedly didn't count. It had stolen her dango. She needed retribution!
"So I wish that my grandson Keitaro had lots and lots of babies with lots of women and none of that lust crap I want real love with lots of cute girls who really liked him and…"
She trailed off, looking at Urd. The goddess grew nervous as she probed around in the crazy, old lady's mind. Already things were looking down, but her crafty gaze and the chaos caused by the alcohol made it even harder for Urd to know what was happening. So it was to her horror when Hinata leered at her.
"Good child-bearing hips, healthy glow…right!" She stabbed a finger into Urd's chest. Oh, so soft, looked like she would be very good indeed. "And I want you to be one of the mothers…and all that other crap I said before too!"
So that meant that she'd…would have to…with him…and others…The self-proclaimed goddess of love normally would have found this situation hilarious except for one vital fact – she was the butt of the joke. It didn't help when she felt her mind go blank, Yggdrassil taking over for processing.
Hinata watched as the goddess rose off the floor to hover a foot in the air. Huh, now that was flashy. What was she doing with all the razzle-dazzle and bottles flying around and the heavy atmosphere and blinking lights and -
"Wish Granted."
Hey, she had better fix that hole in the ceiling. It was then that Hinata simply passed out, probably from advanced alcohol poisoning, but with a goddess on the premise no one had to worry about her dying…if they weren't all already passed out as well.
Urd floated back down to the floor, opening her eyes.
"Well, crap."
The wish had gone through. She wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't felt the energy and data transfer that had occurred quite personally. Even though Belldandy was the more powerful one and Skuld was the better debugger, no one had a better understanding of the Yggdrassil system and its inner workings than her than maybe the Almighty himself. Even though it had been worded poorly and was asking of a nearly impossible task, especially the last part, there were enough loopholes for it to be put through.
So she had to be a mother. Well, crap. A party animal like her a mom? She would have fun with the other girls but she was going to have trouble with herself. Urd glanced over at Keitaro. He let out a small snore as he snuggled further into Haruka's grasp. At least she would have a while before he came to age, and he was pretty cute anyways.
Her lips took on a foxy quirk as she considered the semantics of the wish. Yes, she would have some fun indeed, specifically with the "training" she was about to do. She still had all her powers and was not bound to Midgard so that meant…
Flicking her finger, the goddess made her way into Keitaro's dreamscape, intent on having some quality time with the lad.
And thus Keitaro found himself in his very first Marshmallow Hell. It wasn't as hot as he thought it'd be, merely warm. But it was squishy. Mmm…squishy.
And thus began Keitaro's lifelong obsession with mochi. Sweet, squishy mochi…
LICCIH/LICCIH
The years passed, the seasons came, and everything spiraled down to that one pivotal moment in young Keitaro's life – the making of the Tokyo U promise. Everything was perfect, he had Na-chan and Mu-chan, Liddo-kun, and the knowledge of the powerful promise (or just plain curse) of marriage after college acceptance. Now all he had to do was make his promise and everything would follow smoothly after. After all, it was a promise, right? There was no way such a promise could be forgotten or broken, right?
Ah, the stupidity of youth. So quaint, so utterly annoying, so pathetically easy to exploit for the amusement of others. Err…disregard that last notion.
Keitaro glanced over at the two-year old Naru, watching as she patted at the small mound of sand. She was pretty small and looked so cute in that tiny yukata of hers. Naru almost seemed like a doll, but her auburn hair radiated vitality despite her constant coughing fits. Keitaro hesitated when the younger girl saw him and waved, letting out a small, happy cry.
"Well, aren't ya gonna go?" He felt someone push him from behind. Looking behind him, he saw Mutsumi grinning widely at him. The older girl had her hair similarly cut to Naru's, though it was much closer to his in color. Her less traditional clothes gave a more tomboy look, though her attitude was anything but – vibrant and playful, but not rough. "You like her, right?"
"Mu-chan…" Keitaro murmured.
"Well go on, Kei-kun!" She pushed him again, harder this time. He nodded and quickly made his way over to Naru. She sighed ruefully. She really liked Kei-kun – really, really liked him. But she also like Na-chan – really, really liked her. She would have been so excited to be the one he chose to make the Tokyo U promise with, but Na-chan deserved him more. She didn't have a momma and was sick all the time. That was why she lost that janken game on purpose.
Although it took all that Mutsumu had not to just take advantage of Naru's incurable tendency to throw out scissors every time. She had before, but that was only to decide who'd get the last pudding or used the train ride or sleep with Kei-kun (boy she never lost for that one.)
She watched as Keitaro came next to Naru, paused, looked back at her then Naru then her again, before grabbing Naru by the hand and leading her over to Mutsumi. Mutsumi blinked when Keitaro took Liddo-kun and shoved it into her face.
"Can't do it!"
"Huh?"
"Don't wanna leave ya behind…" She blinked as Keitaro suddenly leapt forward and hugged her before blushing. "I can't just leave you by yourself."
"Eh?" She put Liddo-kun down.
Naru was whipping her head wildly between the two, completely lost to the situation. However, something was beginning to build in the back of her mind. Something that was hot and niggling and annoying and itchy and why did she suddenly feel like hitting Kei-kun?
Keitaro frowned imperially. "It's not fair. I like both of you. I don't want to either of you to be by yourself."
Mutsumi was becoming confused. What was he saying? "Kei-kun…aren't you going to go with Na-chan?"
Keitaro suddenly blushed and looked down, scuffling his feet on the sidewalk. "Wanna be with both of ya…" he mumbled out. His eyes regained their shine and he looked back up with renewed vigor. "So I'm gonna! I'm gonna go to Tokyo U with both Na-chan and Mu-chan and marry you both!" He nodded to himself with steel resolve.
It's clear that children don't have a clear grasp of monogamy…or bigamy. Though as Keitaro would eventually find out, his problems revolved more around polygamy or something that involved non-Euclidean geometry. He would need that to help describe the tangled spider's web that would be his relationship with the fairer sex. Quantum physics would probably also help but probably only with the monumental space-time damage from aforementioned relationship.
Mustumi said nothing for a moment before bursting out into a wide grin. She suddenly tackled Keitaro to the ground in a glomp. "Right! That's right!" Yay! She could be with both Kei-kun and Na-chan! "I'll be the first wife and Na-chan can be the second!" After all, she was the oldest.
She was suddenly lanced with a feeling of anger that rivaled even the most ferocious of fluffy Easter bunnies. Looking over, she saw Naru had grabbed Keitaro's arm, fixing her with a crossed gaze, her lips in a pout and her cheeks puffed out. She blinked before laughing weakly. "Alright, alright, Na-chan can be the first wife."
Keitaro laughed too before wincing. Naru had just pinched his arm rather harshly. He looked at her. She pouted at him as well. He smiled anxiously. Okay, he got the idea – no cheating. It was bad enough he was so wishy-washy he had be shared. Naru was the possessive type, after all, even if that wouldn't come into play for a long, long while.
And when it did, well…Everyone knows what'll happen.
The pain. Oh lords, the pain…
All of the sudden, the two girls got a capricious glint in their eyes. As if in an almost telepathic moment, they glanced at each other, nodded, and squished Keitaro between them, planting a kiss on each of his cheeks.
Keitaro could feel a rainbow of emotions fly through him, all vying for his attention. But only one could come to mind as he looked at the expectant eyes of those friends so close to him. And that was…
"I'm hungry."
Hinata watched from the stairs as her grandson was put under the assault of scorned little girls, their tiny arms bashing mercilessly into his thick skull. Aww…they were so cute…Fighting showed they cared so with the way they were wailing on him meant they really loved him!
Excellent…
Haruka ignored the way that her grandmother was cackling evilly, rubbing her hands together like some sort of shifty merchant. It wasn't at though it was strange of her to do so. Sometimes the twelve year-old wondered if the elderly woman was batshit insane. This didn't last long as Haruka knew that Hinata was even crazier that that. After all, would a sane person buy a decommissioned American tank and use it to get rid of a pesky garden-eating deer?
Sure, Haruka was the one that shot the cannon…but it was fun!
Tell that to the store owner who was on the receiving end of a stray round. It was too bad he had just received that shipment of firecrackers for the summer festival. They would have been so pretty to watch if they hadn't helped with the monumental property damage.
Still, that laughing was beginning to get on her nerves. Haruka frowned, twisting her head to stare at her grandmother/adoptive-mother/crazy…old…person. "Would you stop that? It's creeping me out."
"Excellent…eh?" Hinata blinked through heavily wrinkled eyes. Putting a hand to her ear, she leaned over wearily. "Eh? What's that, dearie? I'm getting a bit old and hard of hearing."
Haruka's right eye twitched. "Seriously, granny, stop it. Now."
"I'm sorry, Haruka, but I don't know what-" She was quickly shut up when the young girl slapped her head down with a halisen. She whimpered and gave the puppy-dog eyes as she rubbed her tender skull. "That was mean…"
"You deserved that."
"How could you hit an old person like that?"
"You could have avoided it if you wanted to." Hinata certainly ran with enough spryness whenever the ice-cream truck came around. The kids who were unfortunate enough to be in front of her, and almost immediately underneath after, could attest to that.
"Didn't I teach you to respect your elders?"
"You also taught me fifty-nine ways to kill a man with a spork, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna do it."
"You're so cruel, Haruka-chan."
"And you're just a crazy, old bat."
Hinata pouted grumpily. Ah, where did she go wrong with Haruka? That sweet little girl had become one with a tongue like a saber and a hair-trigger attitude. She was so proud! But she'd never see great-grandbabies that way! What kind of man would willingly go out with such a cool firebrand?
Somewhere far away, a young boy sneezed as his father taught him the subtleties of driving off a cliff without killing oneself. No seatbelts though! Those were for sissies!
Hinata sighed. At least she still had Keitaro. Yes, and things were progressing smoothly if his current beat-down by those two adorable girls were any indication. She glanced over at Haruka who was looking at the one-sided battle with calm eyes (though the continuous eye twitching probably meant she was thinking something else.) "Haruka, aren't they so cute?"
"The domestic violence or Keitaro's screams?"
"No! Those girls! Bet you didn't think Keitaro was such a stud, eh?" She elbowed Haruka in the liver a little harder than she should have. Bah, payback was needed.
Hmm, blood was salty. "Not really." Swallow and it'll be recycled.
"Would you like to know what will happen?"
"No, but I'm sure you'll tell me anyway."
"Of course!" Eye twitched again. Hinata took a stance, one fist raised in the air like she was flexing her bicep. "Keitaro will become a great man, and as every person knows, behind every great man is a harem of gleeful, bodacious girls that will fulfill his every need whether it be cooking, cleaning, or nightly duties!"
Twitch again. Okay, there was so much wrong with that sentence, the narrator will not even bother trying to correct it.
"And with that harem and with those girls and with my manly grandson Keitaro, I'll finally have what I desire and deserve."
Twitch. Did she even want to know?
"Great-grandbabies!"
Now the left eye.
"And I'll play with them and pet them and spoil them and hold them and feed them and spank them and be the happiest woman alive!"
And now both of them!
"Are you sure I'm your granddaughter? There wasn't a mix-up at the hospital? I can't possibly carry your crazy genes." She was answered with a starry look and a thin trail of drool dripping off the elderly woman's mouth. "Screw this. I'm leaving."
And so she did.
And upon realizing how stupid and pointless it was becoming, the section followed soon after h-
LICCIH/LICCIH
Keitaro quickly walked down the streets back to Hinata-sou. It was getting late, and he wanted to get back home before it became too dark out. His grandma had given him free reins when it came to wandering Hinata City. The place was big but sparsely populated, so he had fun just strolling down all the different streets and looking at the various shops. It was kinda quaint, not at all like his home back in Tokyo. He could actually see the stars here! But it was so humid and muggy, too. Tokyo was hot in the summer, but this was totally different!
He slowed down as the entrance to Hinata Park came into view. He had been there a few times with Haruka, Naru, and Mutsumi, and he had really liked it there. Naru and Mutsumi were gone, and Haruka had been paying less attention to him than usual, so he was feeling a bit lonely.
Well, it wouldn't hurt to just walk through the park. Hinata City was a rather safe place, even at night. He didn't feel frightened at all whenever he roamed the countryside. All that he felt was a sense of calmness and joy.
As he entered the park, the lights switched on, illuminating the place suddenly. Keitaro put a hand to his face, the bag of treats he had bought down at the convenience store swinging back and forth from the action.
He blinked. What was that?
He could hear the faint tune of music coming from deeper inside the park. Keitaro decided to search for it.
As he walked further in, the music became cleared and louder. It was a very beautiful song, with lyrics that he could not make out in a language he did not know. It was very nice but also somewhat sad. For some reason, he felt very lonely listening to it.
He turned a corner, stopping in surprise. Several yards in front of him, there sat a young girl swinging herself on a swing set in the park's playground. She had long blue hair, which he found funny, but what really got him was that she was the one singing the song!
His foot stepped on a twig, cracking it. The girl jumped and looked in his direction, instantly stopping her song.
Keitaro grinned and blushed in embarrassment that he had been caught spying. "Um, hi," he ventured.
The girl looked a little frightened of him, her body pushing slightly against the chains of her swing. "H-hello."
"Sorry I scared you. I heard you singing, and well…" He scuffed his foot on the ground. "You have a really pretty voice!"
The girl flushed crimson and stared at her lap. "R-really?"
Keitaro grinned. "Uh-huh!"
"Thank you…"
Keitaro made his way towards. He was ecstatic to see she didn't run away when he did. "I'm Keitaro!"
She glanced shyly at him. "Lycoris."
"It's nice to meet you, Lycoris-chan!" He jutted a hand out, hoping for hers in return.
Lycoris looked nervously at him before letting out a small smile. She extended her hand as well and grabbed his, finding it to be surprisingly warm. "It's nice to me you too, Keitaro-san." She hooked a few loose strands of hair behind her ears.
Keitaro's eyes widened. "Your ears!" he exclaimed. "They're all pointy!"
Lycoris' ears were pointed and also much longer than Keitaro's. They stretched out a little further out from her head as well. Upon discovering they had been seen, Lycoris let out an "eep" and drew her hair back over them. Forgetting any sense of modesty, Keitaro reached forward and touched them. Lycoris flinched. He drew back and tilted his head.
"How come yours are pointy? Mine aren't, see?" Keitaro pulled at his own ear, wincing at the pain.
Lycoris bit her lip. "It's…it's because I'm a demon."
Keitaro bent over and looked at her critically. Lycoris wilted under the way he was scrutinizing her. He was going to say something mean, wasn't he? She just knew it. Keitaro stood back up and folded his arms across his chest as though determining something. With a fierce nod, he declared, "Nope, you can't be a demon. You're too cute!"
Notice how his lack of tact is immediately counterbalanced by his comment. One must wonder if the boy was a genius at flirting or just an idiot.
Oh wait, it was Keitaro…Never mind.
If Lycoris had been blushing bad before, she probably was having some kind of hemorrhage in her face after his comment. It was impossible to describe the redness in her cheeks as she looked at Keitaro like he had just proposed to her. "Wh…what?"
"You're really cute! And demons aren't cute! They're scary monsters that eat people," he said, recalling the tales that Hinata had told him when she felt like scaring the boy.
She pouted at this statement. "De-demons aren't scary!"
"But-"
"They're not!"
Keitaro had the decency to look sheepish at the tears that had accumulated in the girl's eyes. He looked away and scratched his head before digging into his bag. Pulling out an ice cream, Keitaro shoved it at Lycoris. "Here, I was saving it for later. But I'll give to you as an apology."
She looked at him and carefully took it from his hands. "Really?"
"Yeah." Keitaro watched as she opened it and began to eat. Ah jeeze, he was gonna pay for that later. That was Haruka's ice cream, and he knew how she got when she didn't get her evening sugar rush. Halisen-sama would have a few choice words to discuss with him…He sat in the swing adjacent to her. "So, what are you doing here, Lycoris-chan? You visiting with family or something?"
He couldn't really think of any other reason. Most of the people who lived in Hinata City were old farts like his grandma, and those that weren't often didn't live there for long because of the crazy woman. She had a tendency of welcoming people to the neighborhood via high-yield explosives and gallons upon gallons of sake.
Sometimes she got the two mixed up. That nitroglycerine cocktail really had a 'bang!' to it!
"I guess so…?" She seemed like even she wasn't sure. Lycoris placed the ice cream on her lap. Tears began to collect at the corners of her eyes again. "But that doesn't really matter. I got separated from them…"
"You're lost?" he asked. She gave a small nod. He contemplated on this for a couple moments before he jumped from the swing with a start. "Right!" he yelled, thumping a fist against his chest. "I'll help you look for them!"
Lycoris looked at him in awe. "You will?"
"Uh-huh!" he grinned. "Grandma said you should always help girls in need. And you're a girl, and really cute to boot! I'll be like a knight coming to your rescue! Okay, Lycoris-chan?" He extended his hand to her once again.
Lycoris looked at him before an expression of adoration spread across her face. She blushed and took his hand. "Okay, Keitaro-dono."
As she was standing up from the swing, her shoe caught on a rock jutting from the ground. She fell forwards, knocking Keitaro off his feet and both of them onto the ground. With twin shrieks of surprise they hit it hard. Keitaro winced as he rubbed the back of his head from where it and the ground had met. Then he looked up at Lycoris. She looked back at him. Soon they begun to laugh.
Their amusement was cut short as a yell pierced the air. "Lycoris-sama!"
Turning, the two saw a group of suit-clad men running towards. Recognizing them, Lycoris' face melted into happy relief. "Everyone!" her voice was a bit ragged from her laughter.
The men noticed the children's compromising position, the tears in Lycoris' eyes, and the hitch in her breath. With years of psychological and bodyguard training, they came to one simple and undeniable decision.
"Protect Lycoris-sama from the assailant!"
Too bad it was the wrong one and the entire group was gifted in the art of restraining and neutralizing of hostiles via extremely powerful magical means.
Barely had Lycoris gotten off of Keitaro when half-a-dozen bolts of lightning impacted with Keitaro's body. Mmmm…tingly.
"He's resisting the effects! Again!"
ZZZTT!
"He's still moving!"
ZZZTT!
"He's twitching!"
ZZZTT!
"Breathing!"
ZZZTT!
"Lying there threateningly!"
ZZZTT!
"What are you doing?!"
The guards stopped their admittedly stress-relieving actions (Keitaro just wouldn't seem to succumb! Boy, hitting someone who could take a simultaneous blow of high-level lightning magic without so much as immediately being burnt to cinder was fun!) to look at a furious Lycoris.
The head bodyguard looked at her in confusion. "Lycoris-sama?"
"That's my friend!" she yelled in anger, pointing at the slightly smoking boy.
Keitaro twitched again, static electricity humming through his hair. "But I don't want the bunny soup, grandma. I want the flapjacks with the cornball jam."
The guards gulped as one. "But Lycoris-sama, we were just-"
"DON'T…HURT…MY…KEITARO…DONO!"
The huge ball of magic that was still growing larger above her head clinched her demands. The artificial humanoid known as Lycoris was not to be trifled with, especially when she had just formed her first childhood crush. Those who dare interfered would have to deal with the fury that was an emotional and starry-eyed child. Those were the absolute worst kinds. The guards wondered at this moment just what god they had pissed off to incur such wrath.
Somewhere else in a different dimension, a bulky man in a yukata sneezed before being beaned in the head by a fold-up chair. As he tried to calm down his enraged daughter, he idly questioned who was thinking about him.
The resulting explosion created the infamous Lovers' Lake, where couples sealed their affection by having the male unexplainably hurt by some unknown thing or person and the female going berserk on their ass.
To be honest, many people found the form of the "blessing" to be half the fun.
LICCIH/LICCIH
The snow continued to fall down gently, blanketing all in its white powdery hold. Keitaro rubbed the back of his hand on his nose, sniffing as the cold nipped at it. He was bundled up a great deal, looking like an overstuffed doll with only his face showing, as he waddled up the slanted street, dragging the makeshift sled after him.
It was awesome here during the winter! He could go sledding whenever he wanted, make snowman, have snowball fights…
The latter two inevitably ended in tragedy whenever Hinata became involved. The woman's love affair with high military-grade weaponry always made sure all their fun ended in fiery and disastrous destruction. How the hell she managed to load snowballs onto a rail gun he would never know, but the holes she had puncture in the inn with the lightning-speed ice orbs of death proved she was having a little bit too much fun with her invention.
But at least with sledding he didn't have to worry about getting hurt. Haruka had managed to convince grandma not to install the high-speed boosters on his sled, even though she said it would go really, really fast.
After spending so much time with grandma and Haruka-nee-chan, he had wisely decided to follow Haruka's advice when it came to any and all of Hinata's suggestions and/or demands and/or diabolical plans for world domination. Halisen-sama had definitely decided to veto that last notion.
They still hadn't managed to fix that dent in the floor.
Keitaro looked up at the dreary sky above. He knew he wouldn't see the sun with all the snow but he didn't expect it to get so dark all of a sudden. But why it was so localized in one area and why did it seem to be getting bigger and bigger and what was that high-pitched yelp and what-
Unknown falling object, meet Keitaro's head. Keitaro's face, meet snow-covered ground.
It was cold.
"Owww…" A distinctively girly voice complained. "That hurt…" Fumbling could be felt on Keitaro's back as the person moved around. It stopped and the pressure suddenly stopped. "Oh no! Are you okay?!"
Keitaro tilted back and forth as he tried to get back on his feet. The layers of clothing made this a bit harder than it should have been. He felt like a turtle that couldn't get off its shell. When he did, he saw a small girl in front of him.
She was bundled up almost as much as him, her tanned skin a sharp contrast to the bright snow and blonde hair poking out from underneath her bunny hat. Keitaro blinked when he could have sworn he saw pointed teeth slip from out of her mouth…He blinked again and shook his head.
"Um, yeah, I'm alright." He stood up and brushed some excess snow from off his pants. Ugh, he was getting all wet. He could already feel the snow soaking through his clothes. "What were you doing falling anyway?"
The blonde crossed her arms and gave an imperial nod. "I was taking a shortcut back home!"
Keitaro looked up. It was a twenty foot drop off a ledge which he knew came from a dead end alleyway. What the heck kind of shortcut was that? He narrowed his eyes and frowned. "Off a ledge and onto me?"
She blushed in embarrassment. Sticking out her tongue, she conked herself on the head. "Heh heh, I get lost easily."
Keitaro's frown melted into concern. "Do you know where you are now?"
"Yup! I just got turned around a bit! My mommy took me to visit an old friend of hers here. When they decided to talk about old times, I went exploring. And now I'm here!" She bounced on the balls of her feet, grinning widely. "I'm Mihoshi by the way!"
Keitaro grinned. "I'm Keitaro! I'm living with my grandma right now. She said it was to…to form intera…intiperso….to meet people!"
"So to make friends?" Mihoshi considered something and grabbed his hand. "Okay then, you wanna be my friend?"
"Okay!" He could never get enough friends! Mihoshi was cute, too, and she seemed like a kind person. It was funny; he never thought he'd be making friends with so many people at grandma's place! And all of them cute girls!
Oh that poor, poor disillusioned fool…
"Yay!" Mihoshi grabbed Keitaro, pulling him into a hug. "C'mon, Kei-chan! Let's go do something!"
Keitaro nodded, allowing himself to be dragged by Mihoshi into the deep dark abys- I mean…winter wonderland.
LICCIH/LICCIH
Haruka sipped at her tea reluctantly as she watched Hinata and the outlandish woman that had visited talk with each other. Hinata had claimed that she had known the stranger for a while, as far back as when she was a young adult. Haruka looked at the woman. She barely looked to be pass her mid-thirties or maybe, if you squinted hard enough, just early forties. Her luxurious blonde hair and flawless tanned skin made it impossible for Haruka to connect the woman's age to that of Hinata.
She claimed the reason for this was because she was an alien. Yeah right, as if Haruka would believe that. Except for maybe her ears looking a bit peculiar, there was nothing to distinguish her from a normal human being. Though through the simple fact that Mitoto Kuramitsu was conversing with Hinata without instinctively cringing in horror at the elder woman's clear insanity showed that there was something…eccentric about her.
Oh, and the way that she and her (now missing) daughter had suddenly teleported into the main lobby in flash of light probably had something to do with it as well.
Haruka had taken to ignoring things that threatened to destroy her mind simply by them existing. It was a handy defense mechanism though perhaps a bit non-reliant as she was finding such events to be happening with increasingly frightening frequency. Her brain hurt all the time now. She needed something to take the edge off or perhaps kill a few brain cells.
Haruka wondered if it would be too out of the ordinary for a thirteen year-old to take up heavy smoking and drinking.
"It's been so long, Mitoto-chan," Hinata laughed. "How have you been? Is your job at the Galaxy Police going well?"
"Everything's fine, Hinata-chan. The rooms there are so clean, and father is taking his work so seriously. Why, just last week he managed to take out that nasty group of pirates that was terrorizing the Honkish nebula."
"That's wonderful. I see that your daughter has grown to be quite beautiful. She's six, you said?"
"That's right. She turned six just last month." Mitoto giggled. "She's turning into a carbon copy of me. I can't wait to see what kind of lovely, young lady she'll turn into." She tapped a finger to her cheek, tilting her head, and gave a pensive frown. "Though I am worried she may have taken on my penchant for wandering around."
"Ahh, so she has your sense of adventure then? I figured as much when she went rushing out as soon as you arrived."
"Yes, well, she was so excited about seeing snow on Earth here. She simply couldn't stop talking about it the whole trip to this planet!"
"Has she started to…?"
"Oh yes, she has. But she's still young so she can't control it very well. Why, last time she led me we ended up in the middle of Azusa-kun's bathroom! Funaho-chan and Misaki-chan were very displeased with the interruption."
Finally Haruka couldn't take it anymore. She slammed the tea cup down, splashing some of the liquid onto the table. Mitoto immediately cleaned it up with a rag she produced out of thin air, smiling brightly when it was gone. "What are you going on about?! An alien? You expect me to believe that? And what's with this thing about your daughter ending up in someone's bathroom?!"
The two older women shared a knowing glance before laughing slightly into their hands. Hinata turned to her granddaughter and said, "The girls in Mitoto-chan's family have a tendency to…jump places."
"Jump?"
"Yes, jump."
"What the heck does that mean?"
"Nothing particular, they just end up in places you'd never imagine."
"Isn't that dangerous?"
"Not really. It's just a bit…disconcerting?"
"Disconcerting? How?"
"Welllll….."
LICCIH/LICCIH
Keitaro blinked and rubbed his eyes. He blinked and rubbed his eyes again. And again. And again.
It was still there.
No, his eyes weren't lying to him. He really was seeing what he thought he was seeing.
"Is that Godzilla destroying Tokyo?"
Indeed, the large monster reptile of cheap and cheesy movie fame was tearing through the city like a fat man through a gallon of rocky road ice cream. It let out a roar, demolishing a whole city block with its nuclear breath and flinging vehicles this way and that. People ran in horror as the giant lizard lumbered after them, their mouths moving strangely out of sync with their voices.
Keitaro watched in terrified fascination from his front-row seat as the demolition of Tokyo via overgrown house pet continued. He snapped out of his daze, grabbing Mihoshi by the shoulder. "This is horrible!"
"I know!" she cried. "Those mean men are shooting at poor lizard-kun!" How could those big, ol' mean helicopters do that, launching their missiles at Godzilla? Those must hurt!
"Not that! I mean-!"
"We have to help lizard-kun!" Mihoshi latched onto Keitaro's arm, dragging him towards the warfront as he screamed in girlish terror for the large squish-mark he would soon become on Godzilla's foot. As they ducked through an alleyway and emerged out the other side, he found a whole new reason to empty his bladder.
"Gahh! Giant robot!"
Okay, so instead of squish-mark on a lizard, it would instead be on battle mecha. Same difference.
He lugged Mihoshi back down the alleyway, hoping to escape. When they exited, he found they had mysteriously been transported onto a grassy plain. He heard someone saying some long speech, so they turned to see a petite and flatchested redhead holding her hands in front of her as she chanted something. It most likely wasn't good as several other people were cowering in fear away from her, including a tall blonde, busty brunette, and a guy with shiny and really spiky hair.
"Huh, what do you think she's doing?" asked Mihoshi glibly.
The answer?
"-by the power you and I possess! Dragooonnn….Slave!"
Poop. Lots and lots of stinky, smelly poop.
It also burned a lot.
LICCIH/LICCIH
Hinata looked on in glee as she watched Keitaro and Haruka play catch in the street in front of the stairs that led up to Hinata-sou. Yes, the scenario was going exactly to plan…She steeped her hands in front of her face, the light glinting of her tinted glasses. Soon…Soon she would have all that she desired and more. Soon she would meet those that she been waiting to unite with for so long.
Her grandson would do so and shake the world.
Mentally counting off all the possible pairings she could, her mind rolled back the months her grandson had stayed at her inn. It had been one year, one year since it had all began, starting on his birthday. And now that one year was almost gone, and the next phase of her plan would come to play.
Let's see…There was that pair of deadbeat martial artists, the cute ponytailed brunette (Mako-chan, was it?), the fox family, watermelon girls, dimensional royalty…All the possible descendants made her head giddy.
"Yes! It shall all be mine! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!"
Keitaro looked up the stairs as Hinata laughed manically, her head thrown back as wicked laughter erupted from deep inside her twisted soul.
"Haruka-nee-chan? Grandma's showing her crazy again."
"Just ignore her, Keitaro. Ignore her and she'll go away…God I hope that's true."
"Okay!" Keitaro smiled, vapor escaping his mouth as the chill semi-froze it. He bounced the ball once before tossing it again to Haruka. "Haruka-nee-chan?"
"What is it?"
"It's fun when we're all together, huh?"
She blinked. A small smile slowly settled on her face. Really, there was no way she could stay cranky when her little cousin was like this. "Yeah, it really-" Haruka's eyes widened in fear before she dropped the ball. "Keitaro! Look out!"
"Huh?" Keitaro turned around in puzzlement-
And that's when the van slammed into him.
Keitaro went flying into the air as the van fell into a spin, creating doughnuts on the ground before slamming into the wall next to the street. Keitaro sailed upwards until he smacked into an electrical pole. With his momentum, the pole swung forwards and crashed into the van, igniting its fuel tanks and making it explode into a dazzling array of fiery and electrical might. Nothing moved until the driver's side door was kicked open, a young teen stepping out with blood on his head.
"Ahaha," he laughed. "Oh man, I'm sorry 'bout this. Hope I didn't hurt anyone."
"You did great, son!" Another person crawled out of the smoking vehicle, looking to be an older copy of the boy, down to the bloodied head and vapid grin. "That was a perfect 5200 with front turnbuckle stylist jump and a lemon puncher end if I ever saw one!"
They met a gruesome end at the hands of Halisen-sama, their heads (not that it would permanently affect them) securely lodged in the street. Haruka dug through the carnage that was once (and to this very day stil is) a death-trap machine, hoping against hope. "Oh god, please let him be all right! Please don't let him be hurt!"
"Hurt?!" Haruka was thrown to the side as Hinata barreled her over. "Who cares if he's hurt?! What if he's sterile?!"
Haruka looked on in shock. There was only one phrase that popped into her head that she could say. "You suck so much, you old bat."
"I feel crispy."
"Keitaro!" Haruka shoved her grandma to the side, specifically aiming for the pile of twisted and sharp metal, and brought her cousin into a ferocious hug, not caring that he was grinding soot into her clothes. "Thank god that you're all right!"
Okay, so it wasn't so much a god as it was a really big computer…and several inexplicable natural forces that governed this universe, but we'll let her have her relief, okay?
"Haruka-nee-chan!" Keitaro grinned as he swung his arms around the older girl. "It's great to see you! I can't wait to spend time with you and grandma!"
"Huh?" Haruka pushed the boy a little away from her so she could stare him in the eyes. "What are you talking about, Keitaro?"
"Mom and dad said I would spend some time at Hinata-sou, right? So I can play with you and granny!"
Haruka's eyes fell onto an exceptionally large bump that was forming on the side of Keitaro's skull. Wait, did that mean that…
Before she could open her mouth, she found herself on the receiving end of the merry-go-round-go-down as Hinata took her place. "Keitaro, don't you remember?" she said frantically. "Don't you remember Lyco-chan or Mi-chan or Mako-chan or…"
Keitaro tilted his head in cute confusion and pursed his lips together. "Who?"
Hinata felt all her plans crashing down around her. Keitaro didn't remember any of the girls, so all her work of planting the seeds of love had been destroyed. All her hard work had been rendered moot!
No love meant no girlfriends! No girlfriends meant no wives! No wives meant no baby-making! And no baby-making meant no…meant no…
"NOOOOOOOOOO! My great-grandbabies! Waaaaaahhhhhh!"
Ah, listen to the cries of a senile and psychotic old woman who's devious strategies have been sundered to pieces.
Melodious, isn't it?
LICCIH/LICCIH
Takashi and Naoko Urashima were nervous. They could feel death breathing on the back of their necks, waiting for them to make just one improper one and then it would happy times with Scythe-san and their necks.
The reason they were nervous was the three-foot demon in front of them with a look that she was not to be denied her wishes. If she was, there would be hell to pay.
And hell didn't want her business. They had learned that lesson the hard way.
Who knew that Lucifer was deeply interested in Morning Musume? And how did Hinata get those pictures of him watching their specials?
"Er, you wanted to do what, mother Hinata?"
The elder looked at him with a scowl on her face. She had waited years for this moment and she would not let the opportunity slip through her hands because of her son-in-law. Who cared if it was in his legal right to refuse her? When she wanted something, she got it! She didn't care who she had to stalk and then blackmail into aiding her.
The devil sneezed and shivered, rewinding the video he had in his VCR. Bloody beta tapes…
"You heard me. I want to start Keitaro's training in taking over my inn."
"But mother!" Naoko protested. "We need Keitaro here! He's going to be the one that inherits our sweets shop when we retire!"
"Oh, really?"
"Yes! Really!" Takashi added. "Keitaro's vital to the success of our store!"
Somewhere in the back of the shop something exploded. Smoke poured out of the room as the fire alarm blared to life.
"It's all right!" Keitaro's voice could be heard from the back. "The oven just exploded again!"
"Oniichan," a subdued female voice said. "Your hair's on fire."
"Aw jeeze, that's the third time this week! Kanako, hand me a fire extinguisher, would'ja?"
"You used the last one when making anmitsu yesterday."
"Awwww…."
Hinata gave a disappointed glare at the two adult as they laughed awkwardly. Really, as if they would ever be able to trick her. "As I was saying…"
"But mother! We-"
It was then Hinata gave them The Look™, shutting both of them up instantly.
There was a reason The Look™ was capitalized. It was a glare that Hinata had perfected over the years, a combination of the stink-eye, killing intent, and several chaos spells that stopped brain and even voluntary body activity completely. You couldn't withstand The Look™ for more a few seconds without dire outcomes.
The last person who had received The Look™ for more than ten seconds had his head explode.
Okay, technically he just vomited out of his nose and all his hair fell out but it was just as gross and icky to clean up after.
Hinata nodded as her relatives stopped resisting and walked into the shop's kitchen. She waved away the smoke, searching for her grandson. "Keitaro, where are you?"
Keitaro retrieved his head from the sink, the ends of his hair frayed and charred. A little girl was by his side, her dark eyes watching as her older brother recovered from his pyro haircut. "Huh?" His eyes widened in delight. "Oh, grandma! What are you doing here?"
"Hello, Keitaro," she responded, an all-too-familiar glint in her pupils. "How would like to visit Hinata-sou again?"
The trap was set.
Pity be on your soul.
A/N: Well, that's the first chapter of this brand new Love Hina fic. As you can see, it's a lot closer to my earlier ones in its humor-based setting and crackalicious crap. I can't wait to see your faces when you see what kind of weird shit I have planned for Keitaro next. It's gonna be fun. Beware of a little OOC-ness, but don't worry…It's all in good, clean fun.
For me.
In case you didn't notice, this will be a mega-crossover with plenty of different series blended in, but unlike most X-overs the story will focus mainly on Keitaro and the Love Hina…"plot" and not so much on the other ones. Sure they'll be mentioned and explored a bit, but for the most part it's just Keitaro dealing with the screw ups that life brings him. Or Hinata. Both work.
Please Review, and remember, no flames!
Next Chapter: Idiotic Imbeciles Invite Impending Insanity
Omake! – Mmmm…Mochi
Kanako looked over at Keitaro, basking in the glory that was her older brother. Still, she couldn't understand just what was so good about the sticky substance that he so adored. It was so sweet! She just couldn't see the appeal of it!
But there was Keitaro, scarfing away at it like he was a starving man on a full-course meal. She could actually hear him moaning, moaning, as he swallowed each bite with relish. Just what was so good about the stuff?
It was then she noticed something. "Oniichan?"
He stopped eating for a moment to ask, "What is it, Kanako?"
"Your nose is bleeding."
He wiped underneath his nose, finding a small trail of blood. He smiled goofily. "Oops, guess I got too excited." Though it was odd. He hadn't had the mochi lady dream in a while. He wondered if he would have it again anytime soon. She always showed him just why mochi was the best thing ever!
Somewhere in heaven, Urd looked around as something struck her. She smiled devishly, the other half of her blood showing. She had to descend to Midgard sometime soon.
It was almost time for her young contract's training again!