In the Dead of Night - Confirmed Lovers Zine 2019
Shiro paced back and forth in his quarters, his sometimes-glaring stare never losing sight of the little alien recording device perched on the edge of his bed. His thoughts kept oscillating between wanting to use the device and wanting to chuck it in the air and slice it with some fiery-hot robot-hand action.
Just pick it up already! his thoughts yelled at him. Record now, decide later.
With a sigh, Shiro began to reach for the recorder, but his hand fell short and he dropped it against his leg with a smack as he groaned.
He wanted to do this, but at the same time, he so did not want to.
It's not that he was nervous about recording or anything—he was the leader of Voltron; he didn't get stage fright. It's just that the potential viewer of the recording made him nervous. And a whole other mix of emotions, too. Regret being at the forefront of them.
They'd been fighting so much when he left...
At an impasse, Shiro settled onto his mattress and buried his head in his hands.
Everything he wanted to tell Adam was on the tip of his tongue, and now he had a chance to tell him without actually telling him. None of the other Paladins knew he had a recording device. The only other person who would even know would be Sam, and that was just because Shiro needed him to deliver his message to Adam. It was a perfect set-up all around, so why couldn't he just pour his heart out already?
A beep at the door broke his internal debate, and he welcomed the newcomer with a frustrated, "Come in."
Coran entered after the doors parted for him. Shiro side-eyed him expectantly.
"Ah, Shiro, there you are! Lotor wanted me to give you this report." He held out a holographic tablet, which Shiro took with a quiet thanks and placed on the bed next to him. Silence ensued, broken only by Coran asking, "Something wrong?"
Shiro eyed the advisor again, not really wanting to get into it with him. Yet he found himself asking, "Do you ever...wish you could go back and tell someone what you really feel about them? Before...it's too late, I mean?" His eyes grew wide at his choice of question, but it was out there now and he couldn't take it back.
Coran looked confused as he processed the question, before realization dawned on him. "Ah, is this about the recordings everyone is making for Sam to take back to your planet?"
Shiro shot up like a tree as he stuttered, "What? No, I-I mean, I only meant...what gave you that idea?"
Coran held up a hand to stop him before walking over to sit down next to him on the bed, pushing the tablet further back towards the wall and crossing one leg high over the other knee. He nodded past Shiro as he finally answered, "You have a recorder right there next to you."
"Oh. Right..." Shiro reddened at the obvious giveaway.
Coran watched him before turning his stare to his hands on his leg, his voice softening. "I do wish I could though, yes. There wasn't much time, but if I could go back, and tell King Alfor everything I wanted to before..." He took a steadying breath. "...before he left to face Zarkon, I'd do it in a tick."
A chill ran down Shiro's spine. When he thought about it, Coran and Alfor's situation was similar to his and Adam's, in its own way. Only he supposed he was in Alfor's position, having gone on to fight Zarkon himself. "I'm sorry you didn't get that chance," he nearly whispered.
Coran shook his head. "Don't be." He placed a hand on Shiro's shoulder. "Just promise me you'll use the chance you have, alright?"
Shiro picked up the recording device and gripped it in his hand.
"I promise."
Click. Begin recording.
His first words were awkward as hell.
"Heeeeeey, Adam... Good news, I'm not dead!"
Shiro shrugged nervously towards the recorder held up in his hand as he scratched the back of his neck.
It was the middle of the night now, and everyone else was asleep. He'd taken station at the foot of his bed, his legs crossed underneath him and his back leaning slightly against the wall. He needed to relax; the talk with Coran had helped, but now he had to actually record the message.
"Sorry I couldn't see you the last time I was on Earth. Iverson and then Keith beat you to the punch."
He laughed a little, feeling some of the tension dissolve from his muscles as he imagined Adam groaning at his sense of humor.
"So, I'm not dead, as I've established, and...I'm still in outer space! Like, way, way, way out there. Out here, I should say. Kiiiiiind of been fighting an intergalactic war against an empire of purple aliens, the Galra..." He let that thought settle at the back of his tongue. Never would he have guessed that his boyhood dream of spaceflight would end up like this.
Shiro shook his head, plastering on the biggest smile he could manage, as if it could hide everything he'd seen, everything he'd been through. But the moment he started to speak again, the smile began to unravel.
"Sam will explain the war to everyone, but before I came back to Earth, I was their prisoner, along with Sam and Matt. I don't know what you heard, but–" He sighed as he looked away from the recorder, his eyes falling closed with the sound. He whispered his name, "Adam..."
He was alone. He could let his guard down just this once.
"Th-they took my arm."
The pain in his voice surprised him. He'd come to terms with what the Galra had done to him, and had even come to appreciate his arm's weapon capability in battle. But ever since his last imprisonment by the Galra after the fight with Zarkon, he'd felt confused, and hurt. The pressure was building, but there was no one he could turn to. He had to be the team leader.
But he could tell Adam. Even if he didn't understand, he could tell him.
Switching hands on the recorder, Shiro brought his right hand into view, wiggling his robotic fingers for emphasis. He then stared at it as he continued, his fingers curling into a ball.
"They made me fight. They made me kill just to survive, and they treated it like a sport. They were using me and I think they were trying to make me into some sort of weapon for them and they kept doing experiments on me and I couldn't move and-" He sucked in a choked sob, forcing himself to stay grounded in the present even as the tears fell freely. "I-I just wanted to see you again in those moments and get away from the pain and tell you I'm sorry. I thought that was going to be my last thought every single time and just...I'm sorry, Adam! I'm sorry I left and I'm sorry we fought and the worst part is, I'm sorry I would still leave if I had to do it all over again!"
His frustrated cry echoed in the nook of his bed as he slumped forward in exhaustion, his hands holding his head up against his knees as the recorder fell to the mattress, the lens now focused on the ceiling and the very tip of Shiro's hair.
That really was the worst part. Knowing what he knew now about the universe and the war and his role in Voltron, he would do it all over again. Except for one thing.
Through strangled breaths, he whispered, "Only this time, I-I would let you know how much you mean to me...before I did..."
Eventually, Shiro's sniffles subsided into silence, and he dried the tears from his face before picking the recorder back up with a tired, awkward grin.
"I've got a headache," he announced. He'd been having a lot of them lately, but this one felt even worse. "I'm going to go get some water, but I'll give you a tour of the Castle of Lions at the same time."
Shiro got up and shuffled into his Black Lion slippers and tied his Paladin robe around his waist, then went to the door. He poked his head out with a quick glance either way to make sure no one else was out and about. The last thing he needed besides someone catching him with his own recording device, was someone catching him with tear stains on his face in the middle of the night. Luckily, the coast was clear.
As he made his way to the kitchen, Shiro quietly relayed a summary of how they had found all the lions and formed Voltron, and how he was the Paladin of the Black Lion, the leader. He explained how they met Allura and Coran in the Castle, how they now had an alliance with the former emperor's son, and how the tides of the war were finally turning their way.
After getting a cup of water in the kitchen and taking a nice, slow sip, he noticed the food goo wall panel, and his eyes lit up as he grinned towards the recorder.
"Oh, you'd love this!" he insisted as he took the nozzle out. "The Alteans have what's known as 'food goo.' It might sound gross at first, but it's actually pretty good, and best of all-" He blasted a shot of food goo into his mouth as if it was a can of whip cream. "-there's no cooking involved! Perfect for me, eh?"
Shiro tiptoed through the rest of the Castle, showing off various rooms and features, including the Black Lion's hangar. The Black Lion purred for him when he gave a loving pat on her paw, making him smile through a wince at the noise she was making.
"Pretty loud, right?" he asked the recorder proudly.
The final stop was the observation deck, arguably Shiro's favorite room in the whole Castle.
He took a moment to pinpoint the general direction of the Milky Way and Earth on a star chart, then turned and crouched so he was facing the recorder with Earth's position just over his shoulder through the window. He pointed to the spot and said, "You're somewhere right about...here. So if you're out looking at the stars, give a little wave our way!"
Straightening out and turning back towards the window himself, Shiro took a moment to take in the raw beauty of space and, without thinking, reached his free hand out towards Earth, his fingers settling against the Altean glass.
"I wish you were here..." he confessed to the darkness. His face fell with a sigh but his gaze never strayed from his home planet. "I really do. I...I miss you, Adam. I think about you all the time and I don't know when we're coming home, but when we do, I...I just really want to see you again, okay?"
He looked back at the device in his hand, ready to end the recording. There was just one more thing he wanted to say, but given how they'd left things off before the Kerberos mission, he wasn't sure if Adam would want to hear it.
Still, there was no point in keeping the truth to himself. He just wished he didn't feel like he was saying it for the first time all over again when he finally did say it. At least Adam would probably get a kick out of the goofy, hopeful grin plastered on his face, if nothing else.
"I love you."
Click. End recording.
Shiro didn't bother sleeping for the rest of the night, or what little remained of it. Instead, he paced quietly outside the quarters of the one man he knew would be up before anyone else, the recording device tucked safely into the pocket of his robe.
Sam was set to depart for Earth that morning in an Altean pod. Everyone would see him off, and he'd get everyone else's recordings then, which was why Shiro needed to give him his now. He didn't want or need anyone else finding out about this.
When the doors to the quarters finally opened and Sam let out a surprised, "Shiro?," the man in question stumbled in his footsteps before straightening himself out with a barely-dignified salute and a rushed, "Commander Holt, sir!" He'd been in the middle of a daydream of days past at the Garrison, when he and Adam would go for late-night strolls around the grounds. In his dazed state, it felt like Sam had caught them sneaking out. Perhaps he should've gotten some sleep while he had the chance.
Coming to his senses, Shiro shook himself out of it and offered an apologetic, tired grin. "Sorry, sir– Sam. Just got caught up in some thoughts. But good morning."
Sam watched him, then relaxed into a smile of his own and answered, "Good morning. Can I help you with something?"
"Ah– yes." Shiro walked over to Sam and reached into his robe pocket, running his thumb along the device's edge. He pulled it out and stared at it in his palm, then thrusted it out towards the commander nervously. "Can you please...give this to Adam when you get back to Earth? Y-you know, if he wants it?" he rambled.
Sam peered at it until understanding dawned on him, and he glanced up at Shiro with gentle eyes. "Of course." He took the device and pocketed it, then placed a hand on Shiro's shoulder. He'd seen how he'd missed Adam during the Kerberos mission, how their final days on Earth had followed him out into space, even if he thought no one else had noticed. And here he was, still thinking about him. Sam wanted to chuckle at how sweet the sentiment was, but right now he knew the man needed a distraction. "Come on," he prompted. "Why don't you join me for my last breakfast in space?"
Shiro nodded and let Sam's arm loop around to his other shoulder as they headed to the kitchen. With the device out of his hands, he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. Sam would deliver the message, and whether or not he actually watched it, Adam would have it.
All Shiro had to do now was get back to Earth himself.
A knock against Adam's open office door tore his attention away from his computer, and he did a double-take when he saw his guest.
"May I come in?" Sam asked with a cheery smile.
"Commander Holt!" Adam immediately stood up from his desk chair and saluted. He'd heard of Sam's return to Earth and the Garrison, but hadn't gotten to see him yet. "Of course, sir! And welcome back."
"At ease, Adam." Forgoing all formalities, Sam rounded the corner of his desk and pulled Adam into a hug. Despite how he'd gone with Shiro into space after their fighting, Sam still saw Adam as the man Shiro had brought to family dinners before anything else. To him, he was family. "And thank you. Grateful to be back."
As they pulled away from the hug, Adam's throat burned with a thousand questions, all of which were silenced as Sam reached into the pocket of his uniform and pulled out a shiny metallic device.
"Listen, I'd hate to hug-and-run, but I have a presentation to prepare for you all. I just wanted to say hello and give you this. It's a recording from Shiro," Sam explained, offering it to him.
Adam's hand froze mid-reach. "Shiro? He's...still alive?"
Sam nodded, and Adam felt a tidal wave of emotions roll over him. All the hurt and betrayal he'd felt when Shiro took off for Kerberos mixed with a sense of relief coupled with fear. What did Shiro have to say to him after all this time? Was he mad? Adam wanted to be mad himself, but the anger drowned underneath everything else.
His hand fell to his side, his fingers numb.
Surprised, Sam stepped back and placed the device on the corner of his desk, and cleared his throat awkwardly. "Well, if you do want to watch it, just press the button on the side. I've gotta go, but Colleen and I would love to have you over for dinner one of these nights."
Adam hummed some sort of agreement, eyes glued to the device now.
As he left, Sam paused in the doorway and looked back. "He still cares about you, you know."
Once alone, Adam felt a stab of selfish guilt enter his thoughts.
If Shiro has survived all these years, does that mean he's okay?
He felt terrible for thinking it, but it almost felt like they had a blank slate. He'd missed Shiro, of course he had, but the notion of Shiro risking his life by going into space in his condition had been too much to bear, and he'd forced himself to get away before they both got hurt, which had done little in the end.
But if Shiro was still alive, if he was okay, did that mean...they could be okay again?
Sam's parting words finally caught up to his brain. He still cares about you.
That was all the push Adam needed to shut down his computer and pack up for the day, keeping the device close to his heart as he hurried to his quarters. Locking all the doors and turning off the lights, he kicked off his boots and settled onto the couch.
He had no idea what was on the device, but a glimmer of hope sparked him to push the button on the side, and suddenly Shiro's face was floating right in front of him on a holographic screen.
He's okay.
"Heeeeeey, Adam... Good news, I'm not dead!" the recording played.
Adam choked out a laugh of relief through the tears welling up in his eyes. "Hey, Takashi," he heard himself say.
Shiro wasn't dead, and perhaps their love wasn't either.
It's here YAY! The Confirmed Lovers zine is finally available, and it's amaaaazing and full of talent and Adashi goodness! Go check out confirmedloverszine on tumblr for the link to the free PDF!
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