I cried as he pressed himself into me. I saw nothing but russet, gleaming skin and the raven locks whip around me in a fog. I wore a blue, light buttoned henley shirt underneath my thick wool jacket. And even then I could feel the hardness of the wall scrapping my back. But I was not thinking about such trivial matters at the moment. I was not thinking that it had been Edward who had given me the jacket I wore. Nope, no trivial matters here—not when all I could focus on was the heat of his breath fanning across my face and into my neck. The feeling of him was everywhere. Omnipresent and overpowering. I could only cry harder. I wished that it would go away. I wished terribly that it would end. I wished terribly that my feet could touch the ground. That I was not held up against him and the wall. I wished so hard....
* * *
I had awoken this morning, and as usual Edward was by my side.
"How did you sleep, love?" he asked, his eyes displaying the concern across his face. "You mumbled incoherently a bit. It seemed you weren't...having that great a time. But I didn't want to wake you. I wasn't sure I should."
I couldn't remember dreaming anything, and I told him so. I felt a small twinge of...something. I wasn't sure what it was, but I didn't want to burden him with it. I brushed it off. It was nothing, I was sure, because when I slept in Edward's arms I felt good, I felt safe. It was nothing.
I smiled to him and he smiled back, seeming untroubled after my assurance. He gave me a crooked grin, the one I loved so much, as he heard a slight growl from my stomach. I blushed pink, remembering that I had missed dinner last night since Jacob, Billy, and Charlie had ordered pizza while watching some game on the television. Jacob was still not in complete talking terms with me. It had hurt him that I had picked Edward, in spite of all his warnings. And it had hurt me that he couldn't just let things go and be happy for me the way a real friend should. I knew the two could get along, if they got over this enemies-from-the-beginning-of-time nonsense.
From his place on the couch, he had looked at me with his warm, dark eyes, but for a moment I could still see a tiny flare of resentment in them. I knew we would have to talk about this sooner or later, but I had to think things clearly. Think about what I would have to say. I had decided to make myself scarce, assuring Charlie that I didn't want any pizza. I turned and went to the table, taking a small apple from the kitchen before running up the stairs to my bedroom.
I did my bit of homework knowing Edward wasn't due for a couple hours still. Alice was borrowing him for a new wardrobe project. I smiled at the thought of Edward going through that. Alice dressing him. A small laugh escaped my lips in the dim light of my lamp.
Suddenly I could hear the slight vibration of my phone from somewhere. I scrambled about trying to locate it. I thought I had left it in my book bag, but then remembered that I had left it in the pocket of the jeans I had worn to school today. I dove to the end of my bed, snatched up my pants and held the phone to my ear.
"Hello Edward," I said, feeling a pathetic smile light up my face.
"Bella? Are you alright, love?" I didn't understand why he sounded concerned.
"Of course, what's the matter?"
"Alice saw you disappear—"
"Oh! No, please tell her not to worry. It's because Jacob is here," I said lightly. I could hear the tense silence on the other side and rushed to explain. "Don't you worry, too, Edward. We're still not speaking." My voice sounded slightly bitter. "He's downstairs with his father and my dad, watching some game." I rolled my eyes. "I'm in my room...waiting for you," I said with a smile. Although I had meant for my voice to sound a bit flirty, it came out breathy with longing. Typical, really.
"I'll try to go as soon as Alice let's me," he chuckled. I could hear a slightly indignant sound issuing from her. "She insists on some new french designs. And prepare yourself because I think you're next." I groaned. I would have to come up with some excuse to not let her spend money on me. Also, I definitely didn't think I could be graceful enough to pull off anything french and fashionable. He laughed at my reaction. "...Now please tell me you don't want Jacob in your home, give me—or Alice—an incentive to let me leave."
This time I laughed. "I don't need to be rescued, Edward. I'm happily sitting in my bedroom. Just let Alice have her fun. I will be seeing you soon anyway."
He let out a low groan. "Oh, fine." I giggled a small laugh. "Time doesn't go by fast enough until I see you again." That sent my heart in a flutter, and I smiled so content and happily that I was surprised to not see flowers and rainbows sprouting from me. "....Time's cruel to me. I hate being away from you, but remember that tomorrow will be sunny and Emmett wants me to go hunt with him and Jasper...." I sighed and told him I remembered. I would cherish the time he did spend with me.
That night passed peacefully in Edwards arms. Like every other night for the past week and a half. No bad dreams. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to feel but the happiness that came with being with the one you truly loved. I was peaceful.
I was momentarily brought out of the stupor induced from recalling last night's events when Edward said, "It's time for breakfast, I think."
"Yes, but I need some human moments first," I said, my voice sounding timid. I knew my hair would be a tangled mess of slight curls like it was every morning. He smiled, seeming to find it endearing. His arm was still wrapped around my shoulders before he let it fall away. I kissed the end of his jaw and he kissed my forehead, caressing my pink cheek.
"Would you like me to fix you something for breakfast while I wait? Your father left an hour ago."
I smiled. "You don't have to do that, Edward."
"Alright, I will surprise you then." He smiled that perfect crooked smile again. He was looking so perfect that I rushed to the bathroom to get myself taken care of with a good warm shower and proper brushing of teeth.
Once I had finished I used an old blow drier to dry my hair half way. I rarely used one, but I hated to have it dripping down my back, soaking through my clothes. Especially in the mornings when it was cold enough. Why make it unnecessarily so?
I went to my room with a blue towel wrapped safely around me. I saw through the window that the sun was shining bravely between passing clouds. The cold morning temperature still lingered, but I knew it would be warmer later on. It made me smile as I walked to my dresser. I looked into one of the drawers and snatched out an old pair of jeans—
"Breakfast is ready when you are."
I dropped the jeans, gasped and whirled around, clutching one hand over my chest, securing the already secured towel by instinct, while my other hand shot up to my throat. There he stood. His hair tousled in the casual disarray that was so becoming of him. He wore black jeans and a grey thermal shirt with the sleeves pushed up his forearms. His strong arms crossed over his chest lightly as he leaned against the doorway looking so....Edward. It should be illegal for someone to look so good. I felt a blush creep into my cheeks.
"I didn't mean to startle you," he said. A glint of playfulness gleamed in his amused eyes. He walked over to me, but it was more like a graceful glide. The one I associated with my beautiful vampire. I could feel one corner of my mouth twitch up involuntarily as he placed his hands on either side of me, against the dresser. I loved being so close to him. I just wanted to wrap my arms around him, never letting go.
"It's okay...." I whispered lightly, looking up into his golden eyes. I wondered how beautiful they might have been when they were the original shade of green. He was several inches taller than me, and as he stared down, deep in my eyes I felt the urge to hold him again. He smiled my crooked smile and his lips moved forward to linger around my forehead. I could feel my heart beginning its wild frenzy. I knew he could feel it too. He brought one hand and smoothed it across my left shoulder, lightly rubbing it against my skin. I relaxed, but my heart was still thrumming wildly and I could feel my chest heaving slightly. I could feel my right arm still splayed across my chest, my fingers clutching the thick fabric of the towel, tingling with want.
His nose traced its way from my hair to my ear. He whispered, "You smell so good right now—and it hasn't even been raining." I didn't know how to answer that. Maybe they were putting something new in the Forks water? I shrugged lightly and breathed in his heady scent. It made my belly tingle in appreciation. Gods, I loved him.
He kissed the skin under my ear. I gasped a barely audible gasp and wrapped the hand that wasn't holding my towel in place around one of his arms. He chuckled at my silly human reactions. I only grinned and tried to stand on the ends of my toes to reach his lips. He smiled and stood up a little taller. I wrinkled my nose at him, which made him tremble with soundless laughter. His eyes were so warm when he slowly moved his hand from my shoulder to the fingers that were grasping the towel so tightly. Ever so gently his palm rubbed lightly. I could tell my reactions pleased him because his eyes grew tender, if a little amused. I could feel my breathing hitch up a notch. His gaze moved to where I was holding on to the towel. He gently broke the hold of my fingers from the fluffy material. My chest heaved slightly faster as one of his fingers lingered on the flushed skin there.
"Blue always looks so lovely on you." His fingers still lingered on the skin above the cerulean colored towel.
"Everything looks good on you," I tell him. My face can't help but smile happily at him. "It's about time I had something over you." He grinned his wide, wicked smile and puts his arms around my waist. I finally moved my hands and locked them behind his neck. I sighed, content, when he gently kissed my lips with his cool marble mouth.
"Your breakfast is getting cold, love. And I'm sorry, it's my fault for keeping you up here. I'm dazzling you." This time he laughed out loud and I nearly choked with embarrassment as my whole body went scarlet, even though I knew he was right. Stupid, smug vampire.
"You wish." I sounded breathy as I always did when he was like this. He laughed, completely at ease. He kissed my lips and I melted again. My mind filled with warmth and my thoughts chanted lovingly stupid, smug vampire. I love you! I giggled at myself and he kissed my forehead again, seeming to not get enough. But alas, he disengaged himself from me and walked out the door leaving me to my own devices.
I was so overwhelmed that I leaned against my dresser for support. I could feel my pathetic smile plastered all over my face.
I calmed my breathing for a couple minutes and finally moved to get dressed. I looked out the window again, and the sun still shined brightly, reflecting my mood. It looked like it would be a beautiful day. I felt so happy that I even decided to dump the jeans I was going to wear and opt instead to wear a medium wash denim skirt that came up a couple inches above my knobbly knees. I moved to my closet and picked out the first blue top I saw; A light buttoned henly shirt that I slipped on. It clung to my torso, but not so much that I minded. He likes blue. The thought made me laugh heatedly as I slipped on black low-top Chucks.
I came bouncing down the steps like a child, and when I got around the stairs into the kitchen I stopped short as to not run smack into him. He reached out to me and handed me a magenta rose. It's one of those that are pale pink in the inside and the further the petals go out, the more intense the pink coloring grows.
Yes, today would be perfect. I smiled widely.
"It's not exactly like it, but it's the closest color I've found to match your blush," he said in his velvety voice. And to my great embarrassment my pale pink face flushed.
Of course he laughed at my reaction.
"Oh, you stupid, smug vampire, how I love you." I reached and wrapped my arms around him. He grabbed my waist and lifted me a few inches off the ground and into his arms. "Will you kiss me now or do I have to make you?"
He laughed and picked me up completely. "You look nice today," he said, looking at my legs in his arms.
"Thank you, Mr. Cullen." That made him grin his wide, wicked smile at me. He placed me on one of the non-matching chairs and finally kissed me before he moved the plate of food towards me. It was a grilled cheese sandwich with a side of scrambled eggs. There was also a small plate with my favorite strawberry poptart on it, and a bowl of fruit salad with a glass of orange juice adjacent to that.
"I'm not going to be able to eat all this, you know!" The table looked like I was eating with my dad rather than alone. I usually just had a poptart or a granola bar for breakfast.
"I'm not quite sure what you like for breakfast just yet. I'm usually only with you for lunch and dinner." He flashed me another heart melting smile.
I tried to remember my original thoughts.... "There are starving children out there, you know. We shouldn't waste all this food." I didn't sound as strong as I meant to sound.
"We donate many dollars to many charities." His eyes glinted warmly. "I'll give even more this month to make up for my lack of sensitivity here," he gestured to the table. He smiled and I couldn't say anything to reprimand him anymore, so I tucked into my sandwich. It tasted good, and I told him so.
"....For someone who usually never cooks, nor eats this stuff, I mean." I even gave him a small wink.
He laughed merrily. "You should remember by now that I'm good at everything." Stupid, smug vampire!
"I suppose you're right this time," I grumbled. His smile became more pronounce before he changed the subject.
"What would you like to do this beautiful Saturday?"
"Oh, right, it's Saturday....I wonder where Charlie went..." He'd usually say something to me before he leaving on weekend days.
"Billy called him this morning. Something about how Harry Clearwater finally purchased a big flat screen television. Apparently he had it on layaway. They sounded very cheerful because it's the first game for the mariners this season. They might be there all day." He grinned. I smiled, too. Yes that would be just like them. Men and their beers and their sports. I smiled, imagining how rowdy and loud I knew they could get. Old people, jeez. I grinned at myself again.
"He peaked into your room—of course I hid before that," he flashed me a sly smirk. "He thought about waking you but decided he'd call you from Billy Black's home later on. He was thinking that he would ask you to come join them if you wanted to." He looked down before continuing. "He definitely likes Jacob Black more than he likes me," he said with a surprising impish grin.
"That doesn't matter." I stood up and made my way to him to sit on his lap. "Because I love you." His arms held me at my waist tightly. His eyes locked with mine and he gave me his lopsided grin. I leaned forward and kissed him, unable to help myself.
"And as long as you want me, I'll be here."
" I will always want you. You might as well slip on that ball and chain now."
He threw his head back and roared with velvet laughter. "Gladly, my love!"
I finished my breakfast and after that we decided to go to his home. He told me that Alice was still going on about her infatuation over the french designs she liked so much. I hoped she wouldn't want to test anything on me. I knew I'd never get rid of her if I let her.
Fortunately we spend a good time watching Jasper and Emmett play their game of chess with their own complex set of rules. Other than at the Cullens', I had never seen a game of chess like this. It was rather interesting but I was rather lost half the time, even though Edward tried to explain certain moves to me. Sometimes in the middle of his talk he'd turn just at the right angle and the sun caught his skin. Of course I was lost.
He sat next to me on a comfortable black couch and Alice sat on my other side. By the expression on her face, she was itching to mouth Emmett's next moves to Jasper, but she promised to not tilt the balance of this game. We were in one of their family rooms, well it was more like a playroom since the chess Jasper and Emmett were playing was made up of life size pieces in a chessboard that covered half the room. I wondered briefly where on earth they had found such things.
Esme was kind enough to cook stir-fry for me to have for lunch. She said her and Carlisle had had fun in the kitchen. I wasn't sure what she meant exactly but she looked so sweet and gracious leading me to the mahogany dinner table that I didn't dare ask. As always, Edward followed shortly behind me.
"I'll eat quickly," I assured him. "You don't have to stay, you can go back to watch the game if you'd like."
"You must be joking my sweet Bella. It's much more fascinating to watch you rather than the two vampires up there." He motioned with his eyes to the ceiling as he said the last bit, and I felt my cheeks glow red.
He chuckled and asked what I wanted to drink.
"Soda's fine," I smiled.
"Do you have a preference?" he asked, ever watchful.
"Erm, well, I'm rather craving orange soda, but if you don't have that, it's not a problem, whatever's in stock will do." I smiled again, but I hoped it wasn't Dr. Pepper or root beer; both tasted like medicine to me.
He chuckled and brought back with him a glass full of orange fizz with a few ice cubes bobbing on top. He scooted his chair so he was angled very closely to me.
Without warning a vibration startled me and I jumped before I realized that my phone was going off. I quickly made to take it out of my pocket.
"Hi, Dad."
"Hey, Bells. Sorry I left without saying anything. You were still asleep when I left, and I got a little sidetracked with Harry's new TV." He sounded happy and I could here more cheerful male voices in the background. He went off to tell me what Edward had already told me this morning. "So if you'd like—and you'd make your old man happy if you did—to come down to Harry's place to join in on the fun. Jake's here. I'm think he'd like to talk to you, Bells." I wondered if he was just trying to get me to go or if Jacob had really said something.
"Uh, listen, Dad. I'll call you back with an answer. I'm sort of having lunch with Edward and his family." I pursed my lips as to not let a laugh escape me. Edward grinned at me, making little circles with his fingertips on my hand.
"Oh, okay, that's alright Bella."
"Okay, I'll talk to you in a bit."
I hung up my phone and turned my head to look at Edward. He stopped drawing out little playful circles and took complete hold of my hand this time.
"Are you going down to La Push?" His eyes were very much hesitant as if he expect a lash out at any moment.
"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "I'm sure it would please Charlie, but Jacob's still not really talking to me—"
"You're father said he would want to," he pointed out.
"Yes, but with Charlie, well, I'm not sure if he was just saying that or not...."
"If I'm honest with myself, Bella, I'm sure Jacob wants to see you and talk to you....But I don't want you to go. I won't prohibit it, I can't do that to you anymore, but it still makes me anxious and I can't help that," he said this slowly, his voice sounded sad.
"Look, Edward, I know I should talk to him. Get all this out of the way, but I'm not sure what I will say to him when we come face to face....I should go, though. Besides you'll be away from here by this evening."
"I can post pone the hunting trip if you'd like," he said in earnest.
"No, please don't. It'll be a good time to talk with him, I think. And when you come back, hopefully all this will be sorted out once and for all."
"I don't want to be away when you talk to him, Bella," he said tersely. "I couldn't possibly afford it if he suddenly became angry and I wasn't there to protect you from it."
"Edward, there's no way you can be present. I know what ignites when you two are near each other, and it'll probably get worse with the subject at hand. Besides, I don't think Jacob would hurt me anymore than you would." He stared into my eyes, clearly unconvinced. I tried to soothe him. "Edward, please, I'll be just fine....I'll tell him the plain and simple truth, that I want to be with you, and nothing can or ever will change that," I told him gently, trying to make my face warm and tender, it wasn't really hard to do with him. I never realized when exactly I had gotten on his lap with my arms around his shoulders, but I did, and now his lips were molding themselves to mine in complete harmony.
"I love you, Bella, so much so that I can't possibly leave you alone with him. I'm sorry," he said sadly. "I will tell Emmett and Jasper that I'm not going hunting with them. Either that or that we post pone the trip until after this problem with Jacob is settled."
"I was alone with him yesterday, remember," I pointed out.
"No, you weren't. It was hardly the same. He was with your father and his father. You were in your room and you most certainly weren't talking to him about anything as serious as what you plan on talking about with him tonight. There's no way I can trust him to be good to you with a subject like that at hand."
"Then trust me, Edward. I know I can handle Jacob. He's just an overgrown puppy." I tried to smile sweetly at him.
"Of course I trust you! Silly Bella," he grumbled. "But I don't trust that he will behave himself around you. I don't trust that he will hold back and mind the fact that you're so fragile. What if he becomes violent? What if he can't control himself? What if—"
"Edward," I said sternly. "Listen to me, Jacob will be just fine. I can't keep putting this off and you know it. My conscious has been eating at me and I need closure—and I know he does, too."
"You're right." I lit up in hope that he would finally ease up. "But still, it doesn't make me feel any better about letting you go off alone into the wolves caves. Please, at least let Alice watch over you."
I shook me head. "You know it gives her headaches when she's trying to see something she can't see. I don't want to submit her to that. And you know her presence would have almost the exact same response yours would."
"Well, I would rather Alice suffer a little bit of pain in order to keep you safe, than to leave you off wandering."
"Edward, please stop this, alright? ...I'll be close to Charlie and the rest of them. They wont let anything happen, okay." I tried to sound as confident as I could. After all, I was a bit excited to see Jacob, even though I was a complete coward inside and detested the fact that I would have to talk to him about us.
He hung his head in defeat. "I suppose my only option will be to put my trust in the mutt. I'll have to warn Alice that you'll be disappearing tonight."
I smiled warmly at him, and I couldn't help but give him a kiss. It turned into the most intense kiss we've had in quite a while. I was completely breathless and blushing red sitting on his lap. His hands had snaked themselves just under my top and he held me tighter.
"Thank you," I said in that same breathy voice I couldn't help. "I love you very much."
"I spoil you too much," he grumbled. It was true, I couldn't argue with the fact that—for the most part—he gave me everything I wanted. Right then a corner of his mouth lifted and he looked at me gently and lovingly. "I love you, too, you know." I smiled warmly and nodded.
"Well, then, I'll be leaving quite soon. Can I at least drive you to the border before I go?"
I shook my head, smiling. "No, thank you, I would rather drive myself down there. Also, I hate doing homework on Sundays so I'll have to finish up the last minute Trig homework I left."
He sighed, "alright...Did you need any help with that?" he added, his voice smooth and soft in my ear.
I giggled slightly. "No thank you, I think I can fend for myself with this, too."
"My, you're getting a little too independent just now."
"Don't worry, it wont last. Come Monday I'll be giving you a much shorter chain and much heavier ball." I gave him an impish grin and he tickled my belly while hiding his head in my hair and growling playfully in my ears.
Once Edward had to get ready for his hunting trip I called Charlie and told him I'd be going down to La Push within a few hours. "Dad, don't worry, I'll finish up my homework and drive myself down there, okay?"
"Sure, Bells, just hurry or all the hamburgers we're grilling will be gone." I smiled as I recalled how much those boys ate. I assured him I'd go as soon as I was done and hung up once our call ended.
The sun had shone through the Cullen's long clear walls and it had been nice to feel the warmth radiating on my skin, through my light shirt and warming my hair, but now the evening was coming and I knew the sun would be gone within an hour and a half. The night was bringing with it a cold chill in the air. I shivered as I stepped outside, ready to go home. Well, not ready exactly, but I knew I had to go anyway. The thought made me shiver again.
Edward came up behind me and put a dark wool jacket around my slender shoulders. I looked at him questioningly.
"You can pretend it belongs to Alice," he said, "but to be truthful I like to keep a coat handy for you. You're very unreliable when it comes to your safety and warmth."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'll pretend it belongs to Alice than."
Edward drove me home in his Vanquish. He said Jasper and Emmett would be waiting for him to pick them up on the highway so he wouldn't have to go back home. I figured they would run, and with their speed they would probably be waiting by now.
"So where exactly are you going this time," I asked casually once he stopped on my driveway. The truth was, I didn't want him to leave me just yet.
He smiled and leaned across the seat to kiss me. His face hovered a few inches away from me and he said, "Don't you worry about anything, we'll be back by tomorrow afternoon. We're only going south, around the Oregon border. I won't be too far." He smiled crookedly again and suddenly I wished with all my might that it was tomorrow afternoon again. I really was pathetic, but I couldn't help it no more than I could help my clumsiness.
He got out of the car and with his vampire speed, he raced to my side and opened the door for me. I took his hand gratefully and we walked to my porch. He unlocked my door even though I didn't see him reach for the key. I figured he was just too fast for my slow human reactions. We stepped inside and he wrapped his arms around my waist.
"It still smells a little like dog in here." He wrinkled his nose playfully. "We'll have to exterminate," he said cheerfully.
The corners of my mouth twitched involuntarily, and I reached with one hand and punched his shoulder slightly. "Edward, stop it." He smiled at me and kissed my forehead, his lips lingered on the top of my head a little too longingly. I sighed sadly, wishing he wouldn't have to go. "I still hate to leave you, knowing what you're going to do...."
"You'll be back soon enough." I tried to make my voice sound strong. "Don't worry, I'll be asleep half the time anyway." I pulled away a little to look into his face. "Now don't make Jasper and Emmett wait any longer. The faster you go, the faster you have to get back to me." I reached up to kiss him and he leaned down so I wouldn't have to stand on the ends of my toes.
"Love you, Bella," he sighed.
I smiled as warmly as I could and told him I loved him, too. It was the easiest thing in the world to do. He kissed my forehead goodbye again and left quickly. I was glad for that, other wise I might have pulled him and held him to me, never to let go.
I sighed and turned around to rest my back on my front door. The dim lamps Edward had turned on with a flip of the switch glowed abysmally without his presence here to cheer the room up.
I pressed myself into the coat he had given me—I figured perhaps Alice had helped him with the picking of the size because it fit me perfectly. I inhaled the scent of it. I thought perhaps this had been in his room for a while because it smelled like him. It was wonderful and my heart longed for him the way it always did.
I walked into the kitchen and took from the fridge the fruit salad Edward had prepared for me this morning. I chewed on the fruit pieces happily, lost in thought as I walked slowly up the stair steps. I settled, laying down with my belly on the bed, the small bowl of fruit salad on the side and my gross Trigonometry homework in front of me and set to work. Within fifteen minutes I felt my mind wander to him and I crossed my ankles in the air. I forced myself to focus on the problem at hand. It was hard but I somehow was able to concentrate hard enough on math to not let myself stray for more than a few minutes at a time to thinking about Edward.
I sighed happily when I had finished the work. I closed my notebook and set it carefully on the ground next to my bed. I uncrossed my ankles and flipped over on my back. I looked up to the ceiling, but not really seeing it, instead I saw Edward's face. The way he smiled his crooked smile. I couldn't help the happy grin that spread itself across my face. I inhaled the scent from the jacket again. I was a little disappointed to find that it was fading just a bit.
Suddenly, I remembered that I had to go down to La Push in a bit. I groaned. I didn't want to dwell on that. I was definitely happy to be able to see Jacob again, to hear his voice—maybe even a laugh or two, but I wasn't happy about having to have to tell him the things I would.
The quiet sound of tires wheeling their way onto the pavement and dirt of the driveway pulled me out of my thoughts. I told Charlie he needn't bother to come pick me up, that I would drive myself. My motive for that was that I had my own truck to drive back home if I needed to get out of La Push before Charlie was ready to leave.
Although the sound of this car didn't exactly sound like Charlie's cruiser. I wondered briefly if he had driven Billy's newer truck, or Harry's old pathfinder. I sighed and walked out of my room, towards the stairs.
Once I reached the bottommost step I stopped short as I saw him open the door and walk in.
It was Jacob. My Jacob.
His dark hair fell loosely, framing the sides of his face, ruffled slightly by the cold wind that had sneaked past the door before he shut it; I was glad I was still wearing my jacket. I looked at him, taking him in. He wore a dark shirt, paying no mind to the cold weather, and actual jeans. His lips were pursed together, but his smile was warm. That triggered something in me. I walked over to him slowly, almost in a trance, and placed my arms around his middle. He was so tall, no giant bulging muscles like Emmett or Sam, but the strength was visible in his frame from a mile away. He put his arms around my waist and back and I felt like a rag doll with his arms surrounding me.
He pulled away from me and his expression was pained, but only for a second before he masked it. He moved to sit in the middle of the old couch. I stood in front of the door before I turned towards him.
"You look pretty, Bella," he said with a slight smile. His eyes gleamed in a way I wasn't sure about, but I didn't let it bother me. Instead I gave him a half smile and felt my cheeks color pink slightly.
"I thought you were Charlie," I said quietly, after a few silent moments.
He looked to the ground before answering. "....No. He told me you would be coming down later after he talked to you on the phone earlier, though." I didn't say anything, so he patted the spot next to him. I settled beside him, but still kept a safe distance. I clamped my knees together and put my interlocked hands on my lap. His stare was intense on me and it made me look down. His warm fingers pulled the locks of hair that had fallen to cover my face, and placed them gently behind my ear. "I told him I wanted to speak with you. He seemed pleased, so I told him I'd come here, where we would be free to talk, instead of waiting for you in Harry's rowdy house. He said to take my time. That they didn't really need us there for now." He smiled in a strange unfamiliar way. "They're having a good time, I assure you. They're just getting worse with old age." His smile was mischievous and warm in the dim light. It didn't take a lot to keep my father happy, and for that I was grateful.
I looked at him again and his face became serious. "He likes me for you, Bells." I already knew that, but unfortunately for them both, Jacob wasn't who I wanted. I sighed. I could see he was slowly moving his hand to my lap as if to take a hold of one of mine. I didn't want that so I moved my hands away and instead his outstretched hand fell on my lap next to one of my knees. "Have you thought about it, Bella? Really thought about it?" I didn't ask what he meant, I knew what he was talking about. The last time I saw him he had told me to think about my options. He wanted me to pick him, but how could I? How could I do that when I had Edward? My Edward. My feelings for him would never change. I knew I would always love him. No matter what.
I looked down at his hand on me, it was too warm and I moved it away. I rubbed my lips together, I didn't want to sound all croaky when I spoke with him. I needed to sound firm. I needed to give him complete closure. I sighed and turned my head to look into his dark eyes. "Jake, there aren't many things to consider. I love him. I can't change that—"
"You've never tried!" His voice was low, but passionate still, trying to make me see something I would never see.
"It doesn't matter, Jacob. I love him and that's that. It wont change, I know that. And you should really get it through your head, too."
He took a hold of my shoulders, firmly setting his large hands on either side. His eyes were electric, full of raging passion as he tried to reflect on to me something I would never see, again. I could see him trying to keep from shaking sense into me. His voice was carefully controlled, but intense nevertheless, "Bella, listen to me...I can give you so much. Everything." His face was almost pained. "Everything that leech can't." He placed one large hand on my belly, covering more than half of it. I moved my hands to it, trying to remove it from my body, but regardless of my attempts, he held it there easily. "I want us to grow old together eventually. I want us to be a family. I want us to be happy with little children in our arms." I could see in his eyes what he saw for the future. I could see myself being happy with a small child with his same darker skin and Jacob holding us lovingly, protectively. I could see him trying so hard to convey those images in my mind. "You would never have to hide from Charlie or Renee. It would make them so happy. I know you'd be happy, too." Our lives together in his mind was beautiful. Beautiful in every sense. But deep inside I knew they would never be true. Because in that life, Edward didn't exist.
And in my life, Edward did.
"No, Jacob." I shook my head sadly; I could feel my gaze start to water up. I saw something in him then, something that snapped in his eyes, even though his sorrowful expression remained. His hand moved to curl around my waist and he squeezed his fingers to my skin. "Jacob remove your hands away from me." He didn't move at all, and I decided to go on while I still had some courage in me. "All I have to say is that you have to understand that I love him. I want to be with him, no matter what it takes. Please accept that. I'd understand if you wish not to see me anymore, but I need you to know that I want you in my life anyway. It's simple—"
"No, Bella," his voice overpowered mine in urgency. I could hear a growl trembling in his chest and it reminded me of the wolf I knew he could be. He grabbed me so that we were both standing. "It's not that simple!" He took my head and cradled it a bit roughly in his warm, calloused hands, and leaned down so that my face was a mere few centimeters from his. "I don't want you to die, I don't want him to turn you into one of them!" he said in earnest. "It's a mistake! You can't possibly give your life to him this way! Please don't do it! You have to understand that I love you! I love you! You can't! ....You can't!" He didn't yell at me really, but the outburst of anger, sadness, and heartbreak in his voice was so evident and plain to read that a lash out would have been better than to of had to face this disheartened Jacob.
He dropped his hands from me and I saw him completely brake. He didn't look away from me and instinctively I took steps back. His stomach heaved in a great sob, his eyes just barely hinting the wetness of coming tears. Suddenly he took the lamp that was sitting quietly on the side table next to him and launched it across the wall in one great, powerful move. I didn't have to see the damage to know there would be a great gash on the wall—the deafening rumble told me all.
I could feel my whole body trembling, rooted on the spot, and suddenly I wished that I would have let Edward stay, or that Alice would have watched over me in his absence after all.
He came at me in two long strides. Without warning, he grabbed me by the arms and threw me, vigorously, against the wall where the door was. "Why do you want him?" he asked in anguish. "He can't give you anything I can. He's just a cold bloodsucker! Bella, we'll have a beautiful life together, beautiful children." One of his hands moved to my belly again, almost caressing. "No one will touch our happiness. I wouldn't let them."
"No—no, Jacob, no." My voice sounded sad and alien to me, a little too weak, a little too breathy. He didn't seem to of heard me, and I cried as he pressed himself into me. I saw nothing but russet, gleaming skin and raven locks whip around me in a fog. I wished I wasn't here. I wished he hadn't touched me. I wished his fingers weren't squeezing my arms through my thick wool jacket. I could feel bruises forming already. I could feel the hardness of the wall scrapping my back. But I was not thinking about such trivial matters at the moment. I was not thinking that it had been Edward who had given me the jacket I wore. Nope, no trivial matters here—not when all I could focus on was the heat of his breath fanning across my face and into my neck. The feeling of him was everywhere. Omnipresent and overpowering. I could only cry harder. I wished that he would go away. I wished terribly that it would end. I wished terribly that my feet could touch the ground. That I was not held up against him and the wall. I wished so hard....
....so hard that I was in Edwards arms....
I could hear him panting with lust and anguish—a sound so foreign in its intensity. Our faces were so close, and I could feel his rapid hot breath on my face. His eyes glinted in the same manner that I couldn't understand earlier. I knew my face was streaked with tears and pale. I swallowed, frozen under his intent gaze. I knew what was coming but I was rooted on the spot. He brought his lips crashing down onto mine. I regained myself and thrashed under his lock—pushing, pulling hair and hitting whatever I could reach. I felt something and it made me yelp in surprise. He moved his face away from mine a couple inches. I tasted the gross, copper taste of blood in my mouth. I looked at him wide-eyed and I couldn't help it. I could feel how my lips became swollen and I was sure they were probably red from his forced kiss. My breathing was coming in and out through my mouth a little too fast.
He looked at my face wistfully. I didn't know what he saw there, but it didn't seem to matter because again he brought his lips to mine. I wanted to yell at him to stop, that he was hurting me. I wanted to say No, but an urgent whine escaped my lips instead and he used it to thrust his hot tongue in my mouth in such an unfamiliar way that I wanted to vomit.
I felt like he was absolutely everywhere, covering every single cell of my body in a sheet of unrequited love that I couldn't even begin to fathom what he was thinking, nor did I care. All I wanted was to crawl into my bed and wrap myself in a tight blanket and make myself as small as possible.
His kisses became more bold as his mouth snaked its way down my neck. I balled my fists and jammed on his shoulders, punching and hitting non stop. I was growing tired, but I couldn't let him go on. He had to realize what he was doing to me. He had to.
The groan I heard in my ear was ecstatic. He grumbled something about how I tasted. I didn't want to listen. Didn't want to be there. I could feel him starting to sweat. He smelled of dirt and soap, completely male. The overwhelming need to vomit washed through me again.
His hands moved to my waist and hips, squeezing through my clothing. His powerful thighs held my legs in place and I couldn't move anything besides my hands, still trying to hit him, still trying to make him go away. I could hear my voice protesting, squealing in anguish, like a cat about to die.
I struggled to clear my mind, quickly thinking of ways that I could get away intact. Nothing came to mind. He was just too big, just too strong. But I needed to get away from him. I needed to! I told myself I was smarter than this—that I needed to be, but he was just everywhere. His hands, his legs, his face. I could hear my voice sobbing. I felt as if the true reality hadn't yet sank in. I felt like I was watching this rather than being a forced participant in this morbid scene. I could hear my crying grow louder. I tried to work up a scream, but I choked on a lump in my throat. I felt frozen, but I couldn't freeze up in shock right now, I struggled against the temptation.
I struggled to look around for something that could help me, anything, but my view was limited. I just could not see around his black hair. My body felt sore from being pressed on, but that didn't matter. I had to do something. This would all be my fault if I didn't try.
He kept mumbling my name. Kept mumbling that he loved me—
Something broke me out of my frozen mind. If he loved me he wouldn't, couldn't, be doing this to me right now.
I threw my head against the wall, looked at the dim ceiling, but didn't really see it. I found my voice. "Jacob, stop!" I could feel my tears falling off my face into my neck.
It seemed to work. He released me and my feet slumped to the ground. I felt weak with relief, so much so that I just wanted to fall on the floor.
I couldn't look at him, even though I felt his gaze on me. I had to get out. I had to move as far away from him as possible. I did what the only thing I could and turned to the door, opening it. My body felt too slow, my mind too frantic. I couldn't get away fast enough.
It took him a few seconds to react before he began to follow me. It was dark outside. Evening had settled ominously. Cold and stiff. I walked fast. I didn't know where, but as long as I kept moving I was okay. I was nearly jogging now. I still didn't know where I was going, didn't even know which direction I had taken, I just moved one foot in front of the other in quick succession. I could hear him calling my name, not loudly, but I heard him clearly anyway. I knew if I ran he would panic and race towards me. I knew he'd catch me within seconds, but I didn't care. I ran. I had to. My instincts were panicking, telling me to run. I suddenly realized with a start that there were some trees around me. I think I ran around my house, a little further beyond my backyard.
"Bella, wait!" It was louder this time. I started to cry out of fear and panic. I didn't want him near me. I ran harder, but I couldn't see in front of me, or I couldn't focus enough to see. Too late I felt I root on the dirt floor and my clumsy foot was caught. I braced myself for the ground but he grabbed around my narrow waist and the ground never came. He lifted me off my feet slightly and I tried to kick but the next thing I felt was the harsh bark of a tree against my back and him in front of me. His hands were hungry and desperate, like a dog, drooling over a piece of meat that would disappear at any moment. I wished I could disappear. He was mumbling things but I didn't want to listen.
I smacked my palms on his face and he looked taken aback enough to release me. My palms stung but I took my chance and ran again, back the way I had come. I ran as hard as I could and the back porch light was glinting bravely, beckoning at me like an angel. I felt him grab the back of my jacket, trying to bring me back, but I shrugged out of the arms. He was still talking but I couldn't hear anything beyond the ringing in my ears. I was rigid with cold within seconds but I kept moving. The weak light from my house gleamed like a beacon of hope.
Just as I was escaping the trap of the trees he grabbed the hair flying behind me. I yelled in protest as I fell back against him. My hair tangled in a black mess with his as he held my back against him. My chest heaved and my legs burned from the running. I could hear his rapid breathing in my ears as he held my belly tight to him. His arms covered me in a vice and I kicked wildly before I felt my shoulder collide with a thick tree. Pain lanced through my spine. He turned me around and a weak, "no," escaped my lips before I coughed.
He was very warm. It shouldn't come to a surprise to me, but I wasn't normally so closely pressed against his body.
"Jacob, stop, please!" Surely he could see the pain he was causing me.
"How can you love him?" he asked with such tangible venom in his voice that I was sure I could taste it. He squeezed my arms so hard, it felt like he would break them off.
He skin was so hot that I felt naked before him even through my clothes. One hand moved to my waist and snaked inside my thin shirt. I pushed at him, trying futilely. One of his thighs pushed itself against my legs, forcing my clamped thighs apart. I could hear my voice crying out in anguish. This couldn't be happening to me. My best friend couldn't possibly be the one holding me against a thick tree in this dark place. He couldn't possibly be the one trying to force entry uninvited. He couldn't be the one placing disgusting, unwanted kisses on down my face and neck.
I cried and cried. I wanted to scream, to scream as hard as I could, but the sobs wouldn't stop and they left no room for anything else.
He released my upper body long enough to quickly pull off his shirt. And just as fast as he was gone, he was back to attacking me again. I couldn't move anymore. This was becoming too real. I didn't know what to do. Didn't know what to think anymore.
His hand made its way to my throat, slowly moving down carelessly as if he was too preoccupied with kissing my face to wonder what he was doing. He fingers lingered on the skin of my collarbone. I was shaking with tears, trembling, even as he tried to hold me still. His fingers drew shapes down my chest, unbuttoning my top, not minding if the buttons ripped off.
I cried harder, still, when he smacked my arm against the tree with one of his hands, trapping it there. My other arm was still hitting, pushing at him. He moved the hand that was kneading the skin just under my breast down to delve in between my thighs. I trashed my legs harder, yelling out in protest, but it was hard when he held them so tightly with his own. I squirmed, telling him to stop, to realize what he was doing. He cut me off by placing his mouth on mine. He sucked hard on my bottom lip as his hand was rubbing against the sensitive skin of my inner thighs.
He released my mouth long enough to sigh in desire. His hand was so warm as it inched higher on the inside of my legs. "Oh, Bella," he whispered so quietly I almost didn't hear him.
"Stop! ...Stop!" I cried out in anguish. My voice had gotten quieter and hoarse from the constant sobbing.
He released my arm from his trap and moved it to my hair, grasping a fistful. He shoved his head in my neck and I could hear him inhaling deeply over and over next to my ear.
He was sweating freely now. The light from my backyard didn't quite reach us, but sometimes when he moved just in the right way, I could see his broad chest glisten from the reflection of the weak light that did manage to peek through the trees.
His left hand held possessively on my hip, bruising, while his right hand shoved my denim skirt higher. He pulled on the band of my underwear, almost as if teasing himself.
I knew my face was puffy and red from crying and his constant kissing. I knew my hair was tangled and messy. I knew my clothes were ruined.
I felt disgusted, dirty. I couldn't go on anymore, I knew it.
Is this how he pictured us together? Is this how he wanted me to have his child...? Multiple chills of terror ran down my spine uncontrollably in a succession of spasms.
I felt something hot on my thigh and I realized with horror that I hadn't realized when he had unzipped his pants and pulled himself out.
Suddenly I trashed with all the energy I could muster. My voice came out in a whiny gasp. "No! No, please, Jacob, don't!"
He looked at me, his eyes glazed. "I love you."
He grabbed my weak legs and held them around him. One of his hands ripped the bands of my underwear and dropped it to the ground, completely ruined. I had loved those. They were a sort of dark aqua blue, and satin. They were a gift from Alice. She new how much Edward loved the color.
All this time I had struggled against him for self-preservation, but now the thought of Edward made me hunch my shoulders inward on myself. It shook me with the saddest grief I had ever known. Tears flooded down my face, onto what was exposed of my torso.
He wrapped one of his arms around the middle of my back, bringing me closer. His chest pressed against my breasts, holding me in place against the harshness of the tree bark and his arm. His other hand scrambled and fluttered down in between my thighs. I could feel his palm caressing me there. I wanted to vomit so much so that a choked heave escaped me. He kissed the skin next to my hair and eyebrow and then he buried his face in my hair again, panting, breathing in my scent. I could feel one of his fingers entering, intruding on my warm flesh. My body went rigid and instinctively my chin tucked and my shoulders hunched inward again trying to block him out, trying to fight his invasion. No one had ever touched me there....
The tears streamed and even fell on him, but it didn't matter, he noticed nothing. He panted with visible effort to keep control. "So soft...my Bella..." His arm tightened again, trying to press me closer than I already was. I felt locked, fully humiliated, invaded. I kept saying, "no," over and over, growing weaker by the minute. He kissed my forehead and suddenly I could feel his gaze on my face, but I wasn't looking at him—I couldn't, I would surely die if I did, never to see Edward again. The thought broke the very core of my heart.
Instead my glazed expression turned to the blacker darkness of his hair, next to his shoulder. His eyes were still on me, I could feel it. He let out a harsh breath, sounding hurt by whatever he saw at first, but he kissed me and I shuddered, shaking my whole body. I felt his fingers twitch and he became aware of his needs, which outweighed his conscience.
He finally removed his hand from inside me and instead pulled one of my legs up higher around him. My skirt was bunched at my hips and I felt him then, truly felt him. He pressed himself inside me, slowly, as if trying to prolong it. My eyes were full of tears, and I was glad that I couldn't see what was beyond the darkness.
I was a virgin. I didn't know if he knew that, but it shouldn't have been hard for him to guess now. I could feel him forcing me to accommodate his girth when my body was instinctively trying to fight him. He pushed in further. I wished he would just get it over with.
Suddenly he gabbed me completely in his arms and moved us gently to the filthy ground. He didn't move out of me, and in the new position he only went further in. I was crying, the sobs wouldn't stop. He held still, hesitating for a moment, I didn't know why....but in the moments that followed the pain became unbearable. It was hurting worse than when James had broken my leg. It hurt because he had completely broken the barrier inside me that separated one threshold from another. I felt a warm liquid spilling from me. I heard him groan in my ear. He felt enormous inside my virgin flesh. Like he was absolutely everywhere, like he couldn't possibly fit, but he moved in, inch by inch, bit by bit. I tried to hold as still as I could, trying to lessen the pain, but the further he went in, the more I felt myself stretch around him, the more I felt the tearing.
This was the ultimate, most precious gift that I was saving for Edward. The fact that it had been taken, robbed, from me this way was killing me. It was too much to take in. And he took it all from me. He took it all.
I groaned beneath him, sobbing again, tears flowing freely down my cheeks as he brought one arm around under my head, shoving me closer into him. When is this going to end...? He grabbed my thigh and brought it up next to his hip, caressing it. The new position brought a new pain that began to burn through my body. Never going away, just changing in intensity. If I tried to move, my body would scream out, desperately telling me to hold still and just bear it.
Suddenly he released my leg, and instead grasped my hip. His thrusts had initially moved slowly, but now he was beginning to intensify his speed. His breathing was rapid and traced with an occasional mad grunt, that, under normal circumstances would be interpreted as sheer joy and ecstasy. He kissed my cheeks, my forehead, sometimes my lips, gently. His chest bumped into my breasts, the friction causing me to become even more lightheaded.
He moaned a couple of times in pleasure, and I shut my eyes as tight as I could, trying to block his voice and all the pain out from me....it was pointless. I could still feel it everywhere, surrounding me. His finger prints were all over my hips, all over my body. And if by some miracle I reached some moment of clarity, it was quickly robbed by another thrust, another shot of pain.
I felt so weak, physically and mentally. I felt like I would die in any moment....
The slightest movement, the flutter of my lashes hurt.
And still he rocked back and forth on top of me. In and out in a pattern so grotesque I knew I'd pass out. I welcomed the blackness though.
Finally, he arched upward and then downward into my neck with a sigh as he spilled himself inside my hurting body. I felt a gush of warm liquid swim out of me, trickling down my thighs and to the ground beneath. He collapsed, pumping softly until he completely emptied himself. He stayed there, still inside, kissing my throat, my wet cheeks, wiping away my tears until his breathing slowed.
He kissed my ear and my temple almost delicately, then whispered to me as he withdrew, "I love you...."
After that I remembered nothing but the welcoming darkness. I had lived through it. I knew I wasn't dead—the gods weren't going to be that generous to me. All I could think about was Edward. I knew he would hate me. I actually wished never to wake up.
I knew he would hate me......
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All right, all, please review! :) Sorry if it has errors, I edited the first half of the story but not the second half....I'm not sure about continuing this. I may not be that creative. But i might upload another chapter, perhaps dealing with Edward's reaction. Not sure yet, depends on what I can think up and what the feedback is. :)