Disclaimer: Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy belong to J.K. Rowling. I take no ownership over them.
A/N: Words underlined denote thoughts.
A/N: Due to not letting me fix the document properly (grr, anger) I am forced to centre some text in order to denote thoughts as well.
A Night of Memories
Sitting on the wooden chair at his bedroom desk in the middle of the night, winter's cold air seeping in through all the cracks between the stones, the night generally depressing, Severus couldn't help but reminisce on his happier days. His days with Draco.
Memories of Draco's silver blond hair, its aroma lingering long after Draco moved from his resting place on Severus' chest to smile into the older man's onyx eyes. Remembering that gorgeous smile, Severus felt tears swelling in those same stony eyes.
Draco had been the only one to show Severus so much love. With a bitter, sharp bark of strained laughter, Severus remembered how much effort Draco put into breaking through his many layers, forcing him to open up to the younger man.
Flashback.
Severus stood facing the fireplace in his private rooms, his back to the younger boy.
"Please, Severus," Draco entreated softly, "I can tell you've got a million things on your mind. What's wrong? You know you can talk to me."
Severus scoffed quietly, thinking about the multitude of horrors that forever haunted him – memories he had no intention of sharing with anyone. Least of all a past student. An irritatingly persistent past student. I've got a million things on my mind, he says – when do I not? Severus thought.
"Severus –"
"Draco that's quite enough," with unexpected speed, Severus turned and pressed Draco's lithe form into the sofa that stood behind the blond, his hand steady on the younger boy's neck. "If I haven't told you anything yet, why in hell do you think I'll tell you anything after your incessant whining?"
Draco stared hard into Severus' eyes, "I love you, Severus. I'm not going to let you get off that easy. I'm not going to give up on you."
Severus stood, staring at the younger man, firm hand on his neck, for what felt like eternity, "You would do better to do so right now." Letting the blond go, he walked out of the room.
End of flashback.
"Heh – But he never did," Severus said to the empty room, hardly above a whisper. His shoulders shook with the force of the following onslaught of sobs. Elbows on his desk, face in his hands as he let his tears fall freely, Severus thought about how difficult he had made their relationship in the beginning – and how Draco stayed true to his word and never gave up.
That night was the first time Draco ever told Severus he loved him. He told him the next day that he didn't care whether or not Severus loved him in return – that his love would remain just as strong no matter the other man's feelings.
After weeks of Draco's commitment to the brooding Potions Master, though, Severus found himself looking at Draco differently. Sitting at his desk now, Severus could still see Draco as he saw him then, all the fine details of the younger boy's face standing out to him, making the blond all the more beautiful every time he looked at him. His grey eyes, defined nose, high cheek bones, and thin lips always stood out to him when he thought back upon those days as he opened up to his young lover. Severus thought that love was impossible, unattainable for him after his days as a Death Eater – after the atrocities in which he had partook. But as the weeks went on, Severus found his heart swelled with love, each day he spent with Draco.
Flashback.
Severus and Draco, both dressed in black satin pyjama pants, lay in bed one afternoon, the older man behind the younger. Severus pushed himself up onto his elbow, wrapping his other arm around his lover's waist, looking down at the blond with love in his eyes.
"Draco," he said softly, "I love you."
The look of delight on the younger man's face before throwing himself on top of the older wizard, claiming his lips in an ardent kiss, was a look Severus could never forget.
End of flashback.
Hard sobs wracked Severus' body now. With his fists clenched tightly, he forced himself to take deep breaths, to calm down at least marginally. Just to do something with his body, Severus pulled himself out of the chair and walked over to his liquor cabinet; he pulled out his strongest rum and a large glass. He sat back down at his desk before pouring a very generous amount of rum into the glass and downing it without resting the bottle on the table again. Then he proceeded to pour his second drink, which he decided to take his time with, if only to give himself something with which to keep occupied.
Sitting back in his chair, Severus stared blankly at the wall in front of him. He thought of the good times... All the days Draco would lie down on Severus' lap and smile up at him – with that beautiful, angelic smile Severus could not find on any other soul. After a moment, the Potions Master found himself thinking of the difficult periods between Draco and himself, as well. They had had extended periods of time wherein they bickered and argued constantly. But these fights always made them stronger.
Flashback.
The glass shattered inches from Severus' head, on the wall.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, SEVERUS?!" Draco screamed from the other side of the dining room table. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT UP THERE? ALL GREG DID WAS FUCKING HUG ME AND YOU TRIPPED OUT LIKE THAT?! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? JUST BECAUSE WE'RE TOGETHER DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN -"
With a growl, Severus flicked his wand, ropes flying at the young blond, restraining him before he could break any more of the older wizard's expensive glassware. With speed that would surprise most, the dark-haired man was at Draco's side, catching him before he could fall. Despite the anger between them, despite the ridiculous argument, Severus never wanted to let Draco get hurt. Ignoring Draco's continued shrieks of anger, Severus carefully carried the younger man to the sofa and rested him upon it. He then proceeded to sit next to Draco's head, on the armchair.
"Enough," Severus said, surprisingly calm, considering the state of his boyfriend, with his body relaxed and eyes closed as if in deep thought. "Draco, love, you need to think before you speak." Severus held his hand up to stop the interruption he knew was coming, just as Draco opened his mouth. "Winky has told me many disturbing things involving Mr. Goyle's plans involving you, love." Only now did Severus open his eyes, only slightly, looking at Draco's bewildered face out of the corner of his eye. "That is why I hexed him. He had some plan to drug your food while your back was turned. As it was at that moment."
Severus saw battling emotions in Draco's shining eyes. Finally, the Malfoy heir spat out, "This isn't the first time you've reacted violently to people who show interest in me, Severus."
"No, it is not, I admit," Severus stood abruptly, slowly moving to kneel next to Draco's head. He raised his hand to caress Draco's soft, heavenly skin. "I have my flaws, Draco. I love you so much – and I admit I get very jealous of other people being close to you. Perhaps, I love you too much... But I've never been with anyone who has made me as happy as you have – and to lose you, would be too much for me to handle."
Draco's eyes became teary and he choked out, "Let me out of these ropes."
Severus complied, finding his arms full of Draco in the next moment; the two of them locked in a passionate embrace.
End of flashback.
Memories overwhelmed Severus with every passing moment, as if the rum had opened the floodgates in his mind that usually kept the painfully happy thoughts of Draco at bay. All memories of Draco came to mind – from Draco's earlier efforts for Severus' affections, to Severus' falling in love, to the fights, to the most painful memories yet...
Flashback.
Severus felt like he couldn't breathe. He clutched at his heart, then at his throat, trying to make his body work properly. Falling against the stone wall of his private quarters in Hogwarts, he sank to the ground feeling like his world had turned upside down. From his laboured breaths, heavy sobs of anguish rose. After moments of sitting on the ground, tears running down his cheeks like tiny rivers, he looked up at Draco, at the guilt ridden, saddened face of this young man whom he had grown to love so very much.
"Why, Draco?" he forced out between sobs. "I trusted you so much. I've given you my heart and soul – I've given myself to you entirely. How could you?"
Another round of sobs wracked the older man's entire body. He never thought anyone could control his emotions so completely; never thought he would let himself be so easily torn down. Over and over, Draco's words repeating themselves in his head.
Severus, I have something to tell you...
He knew Draco was talking to him now, but he couldn't hear his words over the words on constant replay in his mind.
I did something... Which, I think... May make you hate me...
Severus suddenly tasted blood, realized he'd bitten his lip so hard, he had bit into himself in multiple spots on his lip.
You fucked him, didn't you? Severus remembered himself asking. Silence – guilty silence in reply.
With a cry of agony, Severus threw himself at Draco, who had knelt beside him at some point. He pushed his grey-eyed lover, the man he had come to love so very much, to the floor, poised atop him, his strong, calloused hands on the other man's shoulders.
"WHY, DRACO?" he bellowed. "WHY? I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"
He heard Draco mumble something inaudibly, something about his being gone for so long.
"GONE FOR SO LONG?! IT WAS THREE WEEKS!" Severus was yelling through his tears now. After a while, he didn't know what he was saying. All he was aware of was the pain, the hole in his heart he now felt forming, growing with every passing moment. After what felt like hours, but was really only a matter of minutes, Severus collapsed onto the floor next to Draco, his face covered with half-dried tears and blood.
"It's over, Draco."
End of flashback.
Another glass, downed – what was this, the ninth, tenth drink? Severus didn't even know. He drank the next glass slower, though – savouring it as he savoured the next memories... A few days after that terrible night...
Flashback.
A knock at his door.
"Enter," Severus says, his depression evident in his tone.
"Severus," Draco entered the room tentatively to find Severus seated at the head seat of the dining table.
Turning to face him slowly, Severus said in a calm, quiet voice, "You know, Draco, there are two questions I want to ask you. Two questions alone – and I want you to consider your answers and think about them after, just as I will."
"Okay," Draco replied slowly, wondering whether it would be safe to get within striking or hexing distance of the moody older wizard.
"One – did you enjoy it? Did he do for you what I do?"
Draco didn't need time to think about his answer. "No... No, he didn't."
Severus nodded. "Two – was it worth it? Was it worth the pain it put me through? The pain we've both gone through these past few days without each other?"
Again, Draco didn't need to think, "No."
Severus nodded again. "If, then, you did not enjoy it and it was not worth it – do you see any reason for you to do it again?"
"No."
"Okay. Now come here and stop acting like I've got some kind of contagious disease."
Draco moved swiftly to Severus' side, wrapping his arms around the other man's neck, and feeling his lover's arms wrap around his waist, pulling the blond into his lap. He looked into Severus' eyes and knew the talk was not over.
"Draco, do you remember how our relationship started? You put so much effort into breaking through the many walls I had put up around myself so many years ago. You put so much effort into making me open up, getting me as your lover, making this relationship work. I remember at the time I had said I was to retire after two years – that I would find myself a secluded place and never seek wizard company again. Do you remember what you said? 'Two years is a long time – anything can happen.'
And you were right. A lot did happen, Draco. You made me fall so deeply in love with you. I have wanted nothing more than for things between us to work, love – for us to live our lives together, get married, even. I can never again trust anyone the way I trust you; never love like this again in my life. I've based so many of my recent decisions on what I know you want or would like. Look at me, I still haven't retired – haven't run away from society. I have never wanted something to work this badly – in all my life. I'd do anything to make this work, Draco – I love you so much."
They sat in that position for a long time, talking everything out.
End of flashback.
Another drink. Pour another. Down the full glasses like shots. More memories. Flashes now.
Days strolling on the grounds. Sitting by the lake. Watching the clouds. Kissing Draco's soft lips. Holding the smaller boy in his arms. Their wedding.
His breath caught in his throat as he remembered how amazing Draco looked in his silver-cuffed, royal blue dress robes that day. Draco's radiant smile as they stood, the rainbow of the binding spells of marriage circling them, the blonde's soft fingers intertwined with his own. The unrelenting joy Severus felt in his heart as he felt their two souls connected as the spell came to its climax in a blinding ray of light. And then, their lips met, and the Potions Master's onyx eyes filled with tears of happiness as his heart sang to the heavens. He knew that that was the happiest moment of his life.
Severus suddenly found he could not breathe after the onslaught of the following memories.
Lucius. Breaking down their door. Fire. Severus trying to fight off Lucius' goons and extinguish the flames. Yelling for Draco to get out. Away from his insane father. Lucius aiming a curse at his chest. Fire to his left; fire to his back. He was about to throw himself to the right when he saw the blur. A blurry mass flinging itself in front of him. From the right. His eyes widened and he cried out in horror. Draco. Blood. So much blood. Rage. Unforgivables. Lucius and his men – dead. Horror as he fought his way back to his husband, now lying in a pool of blood. Tears.
Tears and more tears falling, still, now, as Severus remembered looking down at Draco's beautiful face, ripped, cut and torn, a bloody victim of his own father's insanity. Draco's body, limp in his arms, the connection he had felt since their wedding no longer present. Draco's body, now just an empty shell – Severus, just as empty, now, without the sole source of his happiness...
Fist clenching tighter and tighter; suddenly, a smash, stinging cuts on his hand as his glass shattered with the force of his grip. Severus stared at the bleeding lines on his hand, seeing only the blood running down Draco's face and chest. With a cry of despair, Severus threw the nearly empty bottle of rum at the wall – but that barely satisfied his sorrow, his rage.
Not truly knowing how he got there, Severus stood by his stone bathtub, wand in hand, and muttered, "Aguamenti," venom in his voice. A short time later, the tub was full. His head was submerged, weighed down – he didn't know what he used as the weight anymore. No coherent thoughts went through his head in these, his final moments. All he could think of was Draco. The Draco he remembered before his love; the Draco he fell in love with; the Draco he fought for; the Draco he married; and now, the Draco he died for. He expelled his last breath of air, finally feeling at peace, happy, as he felt himself pulled by a connection of souls he had not felt in so long...