Disclaimer: I wouldn't dare put disclaimers if I own them.
Genres: Romance, Angst, Drama.
Warnings: Tear jerker. Depressing. Yaoi. A bit smutty, but not much. Very angsty.
A/N: This is my first time writing such fic like this one. I was listening to some sentimental music and this idea went to my head. It ended with me wiping stray tears as I type this one. It might make you cry, I don't know, but it did to me. Support by leaving a heartfelt review. Thank you and enjoy. Fuji's PoV.
Regret
By Lachrymosa13blue
"Fuji, I love you."
It was one of those days that I didn't know what will I do, or what will I say. I stared at you, you were looking serious and you mean what you said. You really do mean that.
But, I…
I don't know if I love you.
I let silence build a wall between us. I couldn't answer, no…I don't know.
It just doesn't feel right.
I saw you drop your gaze in surrender and said, "Forget what I said, Fuji." You sounded hurt; I figured I hate hearing that from you. You turned your back on me, disappointment filling the empty spaces you left.
Do you really love me like what you said you did? Yet I feel nothing, I don't think I love you.
Maybe, I cannot love you the way you loved me.
---
Nothing changed between our friendship. But something changed; you were not like yourself anymore. You tend to space out; you tend to distant yourself from us and busy yourself with work.
I treat you the way I always do, with my teases and my constant queries. You dodge them like you always do, but your tolerance…it's as if, you just let me be. You don't retaliate with your wise cons anymore, but merely nods, and if the situation needs it, you'll excuse yourself.
I tried talking to you about the other day, as cautiously as I could.
"Tezuka, look, about the other day…I'm sorry."
You stare at me, I can see the sadness of something unrequited behind your eyes, and it had me flinching.
"No, Fuji, don't apologize."
And then you left after that. But I knew you were still hurting. And I'm still devoid.
---
I shivered at your touch. You were holding me in your arms. It was graduation night and you asked me to come by at your house. But I hadn't expected this, no, I didn't see this coming. You were holding me tight, whispering over and over again how much you love me.
I didn't know what to do; I still hadn't come to terms with this thing you called love. I still couldn't love you the way you love me.
And you said, you were leaving and asked my permission to let you hold me before you left. I didn't know what possessed me to let you hold me that way, how you took my hand and led me to your room, and how I found myself suddenly being kissed senselessly, pressed on the wall next to the door of his room.
I couldn't deny the fact that it was everything I haven't imagined. It was everything I might long for after it's gone. I was responding with equal intensity, even if I don't love Tezuka. Maybe I was just carried away, maybe this is just lust. This just couldn't be love.
And the next, you were walking me to bed, not letting me go, and our lips glued to each other and our tongues continued to battle for dominance. I was letting out sounds of pleasure that I never knew Tezuka could solicit from me.
My uniform top was discarded to the floor, and my white polo shirt was slowly unbuttoned by Tezuka's deft fingers, without breaking the contact of our heated kiss and pushed me down to his bed. I don't know what's wrong with me, allowing him to take over me when I'm known for not letting anyone do so. Why am I even submitting to him?
I moaned when he trailed his lips down on my neck, with his hands now making me numb with the pleasure he was leaving my skin as he roamed by. I gasped, I whimpered. He was making all my resolve dissolve into nothing. Why am I here?
"Tezuka…we should…aaahh…st—stop…"
He stopped his ministrations and his eyes met mine. Oh, he was lost, he was. I could see in his eyes the burning longing for me; it was different from what you call merely desire for release. No, he clearly spelled love and longing behind those smothering gazes.
He kissed my forehead tenderly; I nearly shivered at its gentleness.
"I want you, Fuji. Even for just tonight." I can hear the pain behind his words. Not only is he forcing himself on me when I don't even reciprocate his feelings, he was not willing to leave me at all. It made me confused. I don't what to think anymore.
I'm losing myself when I nodded and pulled him down to kiss me again. I couldn't voice out to him that I don't love him. But it made me want him at the same time.
And then we made love. Passionate, filled with heat, and on Tezuka's part, filled with love. After he came, gasping out my name in ecstasy, he leaned on me and kissed me again. He whispered 'I love you, Syusuke.' with tears almost brimming his eyes. I merely stared, trying to catch my breath again.
I couldn't answer. I merely smiled.
I stretched my hand and caressed his cheeks, as his tears cascaded down. Beautiful, but I…I don't want to see him cry.
"Why?" he murmured with shaking voice. "Why couldn't you love me?"
His tears fell down on my cheeks, warm and heartbreaking. His voice was shaking so bad, he must have been holding back all the pain I'm inducing to him and failing. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wanted to love you too. But why can't I do so?
"I love you, Syusuke, I love you."
I closed my eyes, a single tear sliding off my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Tezuka. I can't love you."
---
Years have passed after Tezuka left. He left me without a goodbye, but merely a whisper of my name as I did that last thing I could offer to him, I hugged him after saying the words I knew would wound him for the rest of life. I didn't see him off, like the rest of my friends did.
I tried to tell myself to love him. I tried to let myself want only his whispers, kisses and touches. I tried to make his words last on my mind.
But I don't know why…I've been incapable of doing so.
Yet…
I look forward to the day we'll meet again. Have you moved on from me? Have someone replaced me, the one you loved so wrongly? Are you happy now?
I want to see you; I want to talk to you again. Just like old times. Tezuka, where are you?
But fate was cruel to me. Fate didn't give the capacity to love others. Fate made sure that I wouldn't forget you. Fate made sure we won't cross paths again.
Length of years came, and not a glimpse or a word from you.
I want to see you again.
Maybe…you had moved on and forgotten me.
Fate was just cruel, oh so cruel to me.
Because…
Until my very last breath,
Until the last seconds of my damned life,
I never got the chance to tell you that I've fallen in love with you too.
And now, everything is too late.
--owari—
A/N: Yes, Fuji fell in love with Tezuka but his realization came too late and until everything ended, Fuji never said a word about his feelings to Tezuka. Gomen. How was it? Did I make you cry? Forgive me for writing such depressing one shot. Can I call this one a deathfic? I would love to hear from you guys, so please leave me a review. Ah, but shedding tears for a while is kind of comforting, ne? It is to me. Leave a review for me.