A Smile like Rain

Lena/Monte

Rating T

Trying a different style…not sure if I like it or not. Edited somewhat to fix the grammar-salad.

She had only wanted a fresh start.

She wanted to go somewhere that saw her as more than Jesse's "girl" the leave the place where her degrees and hard work didn't really amount to much because her family had money and Jesse was a lawyer anyway. She wanted to be more than a pawn of her family, of her ex-husband; who that felt that his decisions were her decisions and that she should worry less and smile for him more.

So she left, taking only her car and her clothes and she picked a spot on the map. She ended up in California, with its sandy beaches and sea of faces where no one knew her.

Then she met her and she wondered why the Universe had such a wicked sense of humor. Their meeting had been tense: the faculty adored their vice principal, but there had been too much bad blood between the former principal to promote her, and her own lack of familiarity with education made their initial interaction stiff and awkward. Yet, if she were honest with herself those first moments were confrontational because she didn't know what to do in the presence of such an extraordinary woman.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd met someone with such passion, such conviction, this Lena Adams Foster, who loved children and loved fairness above all. It hurt to feel Lena's disappointment, her anger when she wanted nothing more than to earn her trust, and perhaps see that smile that made everything so much brighter.

When Lena quit; in order to prove her position wasn't worth more than a child's safety and well-being her heart was truly lost. The short period that Anchor Beach remained devoid of Lena's presence made a job that was supposed to be a freeing new adventure into a haunting, melancholy sentence. Then she returned, contrite yet still confident in her position and she would have denied her nothing.

If this were a fairy tale, her love would be enough…she'd dry Lena's tears, offer her heart shelter and they'd build a life together. Yet she knew real life never worked out that way. Even if Stef had been a monster, which she wasn't, and she felt the tiniest bit guilty for wishing that the beautiful blonde cop had been, Lena loved her children. Children were not very quick to forgive, and it was especially hard to see your parent as a complete human person with their own needs and wants…such wisdom usually came later in life. Lena wouldn't be able to bear the rejection of her kids for that long…anything that could have been built between them would have been soured by that.

Besides, she wasn't a homewrecker; she would never use Lena for her own selfish emotional gains while she hollowed out Lena's soul. That is why it hurt, why it burned to see Lena come to her and to hear how her voice was drowned out at home. She wanted to be proud that Lena trusted her enough to come to her, understanding that sometimes a person just wanted to be heard, to vent, without it becoming a decision that had to be made or an argument. Lena could do that with a friend, but not with her wife. She wanted, needed to be that friend, yet it was hard, so very hard to watch this wonderful woman be set aside due to complacency.

So she tried to swallow the awe and this wonderful bubbly feeling that she should not be feeling for a married woman; she tried to be the good attentive friend she should be. Most days she succeeded and her attraction was smothered to an incessant buzz instead of the blaring klaxon that kept her awake most nights. Other days she was reduced to feeling like a teenager in the first time throws of passion; her emotions fraying at the ends. She knew she shouldn't want the beautiful vice principal with an ache so deep it her bones throbbed and her nerves jangled with the need of her.

Yet she couldn't help it, couldn't stop it, was powerless against it.

How could she possibly have mounted a stalwart defense strong enough to resist Lena Adams-Foster? How could she resist that raven, silken mane of curls, always so vibrant and playful? Or those eyes, warm intelligent hazel that sparkled when she was amused? How could she not be entranced by smooth, mocha skin, just begging to be caressed and tasted? How could she ignore that adorkable sense of humor and that warm purr of a laugh that made her heartbeat treble and her core clench? How could she contend against that brilliance, carefully wielded but unerringly sharp and precise once released?

She wanted to take Lena's hand and lead her out of her personal hell, she wanted to shower her with affection and to bend her over that oak desk in her office and take her as tenderly and as roughly as her heart demanded. She wanted to go home…to a home that they could share, to a life that they would live. Yet these are dreams, longings that can never be, and still she couldn't resist their siren song.

Jealously churned sour in her belly and her heart as she was invited into a home that was suffused with Lena's touch and her presence. The food and wine were exquisite, yet they tasted like ashes under the weight of her fury. She hated how Stef could be gracious one second and then needy and vindictive the next. She could hear the officer's petulant disdain of her accomplishments, even though her own wife was just as well educated. She could hear the need for validation even though it poured from the very walls, lined with wedding pictures and family photos. Stef Adams-Foster had something that no job and no amount of education could give her; something she would give up every degree and every dime to her name to possess.

It enraged her, Stef was a good person but she couldn't see how bereft she made her wife feel. At first, she had thought that Lena was like her…trapped in a marriage where she was nothing more than a prize, a pretty trophy. This reality was so much worse than the hell she'd escaped from. Lena loved her wife, it was love that burned, that seared her very soul, ravenous almost to the point of insatiability. It was a love that was killing Lena, because as much as Stef loved Lena she didn't need Lena the same way that Lena ached for her.

So she resolved to be stronger, to let their working relationship and their friendship grow. She would be someone that Lena could depend on, a confidant. If she could never have Lena's heart she would take her trust instead. For a time things were good, they meshed, they clicked. They spent so much time in one another's offices that the staff had to double check the name plates before entering. Then they won the grant, Lena had worked so hard on the proposal, and she had just wanted to reward her, just wanted to celebrate the school and them. Yet even here, even in this victory Lena couldn't remain happy for long, and the mocha skinned beauty's melancholy, tugged at her heart strings.

She had just wanted to… help…to ease that ache, to lessen that haunted look in hazel eyes that should always be bright with happiness and joy. She had only meant to hold Lena, to comfort her, yet the force of her own yearning, and a protective possessiveness that she could not relinquish drove her forward. The meeting of their lips was brief, but she could feel her blood boiling and her vision narrowing to only Lena's face. Her shocked, disappointed face. She didn't want this…didn't need this, so the only honorable thing she could do was withdraw.

She had betrayed everything, their burgeoning friendship, Lena's trust…she'd even betrayed her own desires, because no matter how much she wanted Lena she would never have her like this. So she tried to make things normal, even as she alternated between crying herself to sleep and frantically riding her own hand with flashes of warm smiles behind her eyelids… wishing that her life still made sense.

Still, she craved this connection, so vibrant and energizing, a professional peer with a mind that was similar yet so wonderfully different. She wanted Lena to come with her to the conference, to see her in her element, not just as an administrator but as an educator. She could tell without a doubt that the classroom was where Lena wanted to be…but not where she could afford to be. For a moment she wondered if Lena would be as defiant as Timothy had been… oh yes, she decided but likely with more subtly and grace.

At least if it didn't involve her own children.

She knew the second that Lena's decision had been taken from her. When Stephanie Adams-Foster showed to the beach party, looking wounded and lost searching for Lena, her rock...her wife. She wanted, wanted to feel pity for the strong officer as she broke down in Lena's arms, but all she could think is she wasn't worthy of such comfort when Lena stood there, her own heart ripped open by Stef's indifference.

Lena apologized for denying herself something she wanted for the sake of her family, yet again. She respected the decision and yet she couldn't help but think of how unfair it was. While life often demanded a person be their titles first and themselves second, would the beautiful educator never have a chance to just be Lena?

She couldn't dwell on these feelings that were growing more and more worrisome by the day. She needed a distraction…perhaps she could stop talking about dating and maybe actually try it. She tried men first, because that was familiar, yet it felt hollow…empty. Women felt more exciting, but still there was something missing…a sense of comfort and companionship.

Meeting Jenna was…odd to say the least. To have the woman she secretly resented trying to hook her up with a friend of the woman she secretly desired felt like irony of the highest order. She'd almost laughed in both of their faces, yet Jenna's boisterous, eager to please demeanor was different and charming in its own way. During the dinner, which was a poorly disguised double date, she had trouble keeping her eyes off of Lena. In part because the vice principal was as radiant as ever, and yet she merely wanted a reassurance that Lena was ok…that they were ok.

Lena tried to avoid her, but she couldn't quite escape this chemistry the burned and soothed at the same time. She had to struggle to focus on Jenna's nervous attempts at conversation but she forced herself to try for everyone's sake. She reluctantly agreed to see Jenna again and was somewhat surprised to see that she was much more interesting when she wasn't stumbling over her words or being overshadowed by Lena. It wasn't the same spark, but it was nice…and safer. It didn't take long for physical intimacy to develop and though she felt nothing beyond a quaint fondness for Jenna, her passion almost felt familiar. It almost felt like the fiery gazes that Lena could wield and in the darkness of Jenna's apartment she could almost pretend it was Lena beneath her hands and lips; that it was Lena's voice that cried out into the night.

She felt horrible because it was obvious that Jenna wanted so much more and so very quickly but the more she tried to get in sync with the gregarious woman, the more her heart longed for quiet, smoldering intensity. So she spent more nights with her girlfriend, hoping…praying that in time Jenna's hands and lips could wash away the phantom brand of one kiss and chaste touches between friends.

When Jenna suggested the cabin stay for Idylwild she was hesitant- terrified really, at the thought of sharing a sleeping space with Lena and not being able to go to her. She was afraid she'd destroyed the best female friendship she'd ever had and ruined her professional relationship as well. Yet when Lena pulled up, nervous but bearing wine, she couldn't help but laugh at their similar thought processes.

It would be some time before Jenna or Stef would show, so they lit a fire and sat together, enjoying the wine and regaling each other of tales of the school and staff. Things no Principal and Vice Principal could utter in public, but when they were just two women making light of work it was nothing more than two friends having fun. Then things slowly turned slightly serious, Lena was still slightly hesitant, and it hurt, it hurt because she wished this wonderful woman could just trust that she would never try to hurt her. They spoke of Jenna and the rapid pace with which she wanted to move, and as much as she tried to fight it, her thoughts returned to why she didn't want…didn't need Jenna.

For one moment she could almost forget that they could never, ever be together. It would be so easy to take Lena's hand and lay her down on the couch and take her until that raven mane was disheveled. So easy to lead her beloved friend to the nearest bedroom and make love to her until she knew without a doubt that she was loved...that she was heard. Yet before those feelings could overwhelm her Jenna walked in, brash and tactless as ever. Still, Jenna's blunt attitude hid a keen mind, and she instantly could feel something different even though she and Lena had done nothing wrong.

Stef called shortly after and Lena left to meet her wife. Before she could process the ache that the loss of the other woman caused, Jenna grasped her hand and led her to the bedroom. Her girlfriend tried to kiss her, surging forward with such fervor that it frightened her. She staggered back and refused the contact, confused by the change in demeanor, and Jenna nodded as if she expected that reaction. Jenna pushed verbally, her brash words no longer softened with cute nervousness, instead she was prodding, searching for a weakness. She tried to deflect, not wanting to see what Jenna wanted to pull to the surface.

She loved Lena.

It was so much easier when she merely respected Lena, when she admired Lena, when she cherished Lena. Even when she began to lust for Lena she'd avoided any other feelings of need. A need for a life shared outside of Anchor Beach; yet how could she ignore the tenderness and protectiveness that Lena inspired? How could she refute the passion, the aching need that Lena kindled? How could she NOT love Lena?

"…What am I going do?"

I love and hate Monte. I feel the kiss was inappropriate as hell, even if Lena had been single since she is Lena's boss yet at the same time …that almost lost, wondering look she had on her face made it obvious that in the moment for Monte it was just Lena and Monte and it wasn't about hurt, it was about comfort…and fledgling love. Monte pretty much met her soul mate too damn late. I love Stef honestly but as fun as opposites attract is sometimes it is nice to have someone that understands your perspective a little more. It gives you a foundation that you don't have to struggle as much to carve out common ground all the time. Monte and Lena are both well educated, soft spoken yet very passionate women…with very dorky senses of humor. To be honest when they introduced Gretchen, a woman with Monte's personality is one I would have expected Lena to have been with but they went with the arrogant, cheating shrew for drama factor.

Which sucks because in the end of this whole Monte thing one aspect is going to get overlooked…Lena is still going to lose. She kept her wife but lost a friend that honestly cared about her. I personally think that Jenna pushed Monte into admitting how she felt. I honestly think it hadn't been for Jenna, Monte would have persisted in assuming she felt nothing aside from strong admiration and friendship with a little crush thrown in. Monte is that character that if Stef had been a man we would be rooting for, but she is the underdog because at the end of the day Lena is in love with her wife.

Personally I would have loved to have seen a challenger story line instead. Let Monte fall in love with Lena, and be her lighthouse in the storm…but keep it on the friendship level (which before the kiss I felt Monte tried to do…the flirting was too damn awkward for it to have been deliberate on her part) and have a friendly but concerned confrontation with Stef. Monte should have established that so long as Lena chose Stef Monte would never ever interfere but the second she broke Lena's heart Monte would be there to pick up the pieces.