I'd been standing outside his door for an hour.

The healer was in with him for the third time that week, examining his wounds, the damage that had been done to his wing. Feyre told me she would get me when she had word, but I wanted to hear it from him. I needed to know, from him, that he was okay.

Needed an excuse to see him again without seeming pathetic.

The door to the townhouse opened and the quiet click of it shutting forced me to distract myself, to make it seem like I hadn't been standing there all that time. I quickly hurried across the hall to the study, where I grabbed a random book and sat, casually, in the chair by the window. Cassian had been staying at the townhouse since we returned from battle, considering he couldn't fly up to the House of Wind and he was still too weak to walk the side of the mountain.

The sound of her clearing her throat had me jolt upright and slam the book shut with a snap.

Mor was standing in the doorway in the most casual outfit I had ever seen her wear, a dark pair of pants and a matching, tight fitting shirt. It looked like something Feyre would wear while training with Cassian. I was forced to believe Mor borrowed it from her closet.

Neither of us said a word. She stared at me, and I glared back. She had never been too fond of me, and for a reason I could not put my finger on, I felt the same way about her.

"He's still with the healer," I said, after a minute of silence. "Been there for over an hour now."

She nodded, silently, and took a seat across from me.

Crossing my legs, I reopened my book and pretended to scan the pages. But, I couldn't focus. My mind was at battle, constantly arguing with itself. He's fine, it said, right after it sang, he'll never fly again.

"Interested in the history of Illyrian warriors?" Mor raised an eyebrow, motioning to the book I held.

I finally looked at the hard, leather bound cover. It was, in fact, the history of Illyrians in combat. Easily, I shrugged. "Considering I have been surrounding myself with them, I figured it would be helpful information."

Her eyes narrowed as she pursed her lips, and I had to force myself not to storm out of the room. Any minute. The healer should have been walking out his door at any minute. She had caught my lie. She knew.

My eyes drifted back down to the pages.

"He told me what you did."

I froze. I suddenly felt exposed, I suddenly begged for an escape. But, no one came, and I would not look weak in front of her. I slowly closed the book and set it on the table beside me, and met her stare. "Told you what?"

"About what you did for him, when you were the distraction for Rhys."

She did not need to go any further. I knew what she meant. I knew when she meant.

My heart sank to the pit of my stomach as I stood and brushed off my skirts. "I did nothing for him. Elain is the one who saved us."

I could have sworn her eyes grew misty, but she blinked, and they were clear, but she adverted them elsewhere. "You stayed. He couldn't move, and the King was going to kill you….And, you stayed with him. You covered him. You…protected him."

"He did not need protection," was all I said in return.

I turned away before she could see me blush, and rested my hands against the cool glass of the window. Nightfall would be coming soon, and the people of Velaris were beginning to come out of their homes for beauty of the night. I remembered lying on top of him and feeling his heart beat rapidly, then it growing weaker, and weaker. I remembered the way he wrapped his arms around me, and all my fear fading away the moment his hands met my body. I was not afraid. Not with him.

I remembered the way his lips felt against mine, and I shuddered from the memory.

"You would have died for him," she said, quietly, and it wasn't a question, but an awe-filled statement.

A compliment, I realized.

Either way, I didn't answer. I stared out the window, at the people, at the fading sun. I looked anywhere but back, anywhere but at her.

"Why?" she asked, at last.

I kept my face neutral as I shrugged. "You would have done the same."

"Yes," she agreed, "I would have. But, I've known him for most of my life. He is one of my closest friends. He is my family. You have only known him a short time."

I thought of Elain. I thought of Feyre. I thought of all the times I stepped in front of Elain, in front of her innocence. I would have protected her at all costs. I thought of when I went to the wall only a year ago. I was willing to walk into Prythian to bring Feyre back.

I would have died for my family.

My father….My father died for his.

Cassian was not my family. He was hardly a friend, he was just another person that I had learned to push away, to not let get too close. But, yes, I would have died for him. I felt a pull to him. I looked at him and felt as if I didn't see what everyone else saw. I didn't see the deadly warrior, although I had seen him slay on the battlefield. I didn't see the sarcastic asshole, although he surely was that. I saw someone else.

I saw strength. I saw beauty. I saw a survivor. And I couldn't stay away.

I couldn't picture this new life, this immortality, without him in it.

I didn't answer, though, I didn't even turn around. I wasn't sure what she expected me to say, but I couldn't meet her gaze, couldn't see the judgement in her eyes. Couldn't handle the emotion, the pain, as she talked about him.

I cursed him silently, cursed what he had done to my heart and my mind and my life. I had been waiting there, stupidly, as if he somehow felt the same way I did. Not that I would be worthy. I was not made for love, or whatever this was.

Growing up, I was told that a woman's purpose is to become of age and get married to a wealthy man. To bear children. To raise those children on the same principles. But, now I was immortal. What was love, a marriage, a relationship, in an immortal life?

What was anything in an immortal life? What things from my human life was I meant to keep close, to continue to cherish?

I didn't know what I wanted. I just knew I wanted him safe, and healthy. I checked the clock, an hour and a half. Why was she in there so long? My stomach began to churn, and I scolded myself as my heartbeat began to quicken.

"I respect you, Nesta."

The statement surprised me, the sound of my name on her lips. There was no judgement, no harshness. She was being sincere, and it caused me to turn.

"There is a lot about you I am unsure of," she continued, "but I respect you. Cassian cares for you. I think you know that. He watches you, and he speaks of you as if you are…." She shook her head and smiled, wistfully. But, her smile faded, and her features hardened, once more. "Do not lead him on. Do not hurt him. I have watched him been broken in more ways than one, too many times."

I felt like a child being punished for something I hadn't even acted upon. I meant to remind myself that I would say the same thing to anyone who was trying to court Elain, that she was protective of her family, but my anger consumed the thought immediately, erasing it from my thoughts. I snapped, "Why would I lay down my life for him if-"

The door opened, then, and I lost my words, my sense of thought. The healer smiled as she bowed her head to Mor, then myself, and dismissed herself.

Mor stood and gave me a polite nod before disappearing into his room and closing the door behind her. I opened my senses. His laugh filled my ears, and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Good evening, Morrigan."

"Did she give you another tonic?" Mor sounded suspicious. "You sound loopy."

He mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like gibberish.

"Well? What's the verdict?" Mor asked, sounding far less uptight than she was with me. She was with him. Her friend. Her family.

"I'll be flying in a few weeks." His confidence reassured me as I sank back into the window and closed my eyes, listening. "Is she here?"

My eyes shot open.

Mor didn't hesitate. "Yes."

"I thought I felt her," he laughed, quietly, fondly. "She can't get enough of me."

I rolled my eyes. Prick.

"I think you're the one that can't get enough of her. The others should be coming soon," Mor went on. "Want me to help you downstairs for dinner?"

"I am perfectly capable of walking downstairs, Morrigan, remember who you're talking to."

"A cocky bastard? And stop calling me Morrigan, it sounds weird coming from you."

As he laughed, I thought for once me and Mor agreed on something.

I respect you, too, I thought, for being able to make him laugh like that. For loving him like you do.

Hearing his feet hit the floorboards, I hurried out of the study. I did not want to be caught ease dropping. I did not want to be caught waiting here like a pathetic, lovesick child. I shouldn't have waited this long. I should have just listened in when he was with the healer. Respect be damned.

Half way down the staircase, I ran into Elain. "Oomf!"

"Nesta?" Elain asked, holding her head, where my elbow made contact with bone.

"Sorry," I mumbled, taking in her confused expression.

"You look distraught," she observed, taking my face in her hands.

"I just need some fresh air," I explained, dusting off my skirts and straightening my back.

"Oh! Well, I planted some roses in the garden this afternoon. You should take a look before it gets too dark out. I just showed Azriel, he said they were like nothing he's ever seen." The look in her eyes made me look away, as if I was watching something too personal.

"I'll go see. I'm sure they're lovely."

She kissed my cheek and told me she'd see me at dinner before walking up the stairs to her bedroom to freshen up.

The frigid air made me gasp as I opened the front door. Although my new body took temperature change effectively, the chill was still a shock. Elain's flowers were beautiful, but I could not focus on them wholly.

I could not focus on anything without the image of brown eyes and large, spread wings in the back of my mind. I sat on the bench that stood in the middle of the garden and wondered what was happening to me. I wondered what this life would bring me, and if I would ever be fulfilled. I peeked back at the townhouse, and saw them gathering for dinner. I didn't even hear the others arrive, I was too lost in my thoughts.

Rhys and Feyre sat across from Azriel and a smiling Elain. Her smile put me a little bit more at ease. Then there was Mor, laughing at something Rhys had said. She respected me, she said. For staying. I couldn't have gone anywhere, even if I had wanted to. The thought never even crossed my mind.

He walked into the room, then. He looked around, then his eyes drifted out the window and connected with my own. He tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. A question.

His eyes did seem out of focus. A tonic, indeed. He smirked, and winked, and gestured to the chair next to his.

I scowled, and looked away. Back to the garden. Back to the roses.

I would go back into the house, sit among my family and newfound friends, and eat dinner in peace. I took a deep breath and rose to my feet. Head up high. Shoulders back. Face free from emotion.

I walked back through the front door, and into the dining room where no one said a word to me as I sat down, on the opposite end of the table than Cassian, and helped myself.