Makes Me Wonder

It's not cheating.

That's what he tried to tell himself. His hollow knew every move he made, every thought, every feeling. It wasn't cheating because his hollow knew. His hollow knew everything. His Hollow knew what he did with Shinji.

It's not cheating.

But he still felt the unbridled rage and murderous contempt. The hollow knew he wanted to escape, he didn't want this anymore, he never had. He just wanted to be like everyone else. And, with his Hollow, everything felt wrong. Because everything about his white reflection was just that. Wrong.

So it wasn't cheating.

It was escaping. It was denying. It was fighting off what he didn't want. It wasn't cheating because they weren't in love, they weren't in a relationship, and all the hollow really wanted out of him was a quick fuck.

It wasn't cheating.

And somehow that hurt. It hurt him that none of this should really matter. He told himself that he was being an idiot for thinking that, and what could he really expect from the hollow? For him to proclaim his love and hold him tight and safe? For him to make sweet love to him and whisper romantic nonsense in his ear? He knew that would never happen. That's why he was doing this.

But it wasn't cheating.

"Then what is it, King?"

He jumped at the voice. His Hollow hadn't talked to him since the first night he fucked with Shinji. Somehow it felt awkward. And even though he told himself that really it wasn't his fault, he still felt ashamed. He let the hollow pull him into his screwed up inner world and repeated the mantra he'd been telling himself for a few weeks, the mantra he said whenever he was with Shinji, who already knew why he was doing this.

This wasn't cheating.

"Tell me then King. What is it?" his hollow hissed, grabbing him by the wrist, pulling them roughly together. He looked away from smouldering gold eyes, unable to come up with an acceptable answer. The albino grinned at his silence. "You wanted to escape me? Why? Wasn't I good enough for you?"

"You didn't care." he finally answered. But he realized he must have said the wrong thing, because the hollow's grin grew malicious.

"Didn't I?" he was pulled closer, a pale arm wrapped around his waist so that the hollow's lips were right by his ear, whispering harshly. "When you were upset, didn't I fuck you hard and fast and rough, just the way you wanted? When all you needed was peace, didn't I leave you alone? When everything was too much, didn't I try to make you forget?"

He shook his head, not really knowing what he was saying no to, because the hollow was right. But this wasn't cheating. It wasn't escaping either. All he really wanted was for the hollow to say he cared, instead of showing him in those odd ways.

"Do you think that Vaizard bitch of yours cares anymore that I do? You still have bruises from where I held you. And you still have every mark I've ever made. You're still mine. And it makes me wonder why I wanted you, if you were just going to turn around and do this." the hollow let him go, instead holding his hands.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered, not really sure if there was anything else to say. His hollow gave him a look, as though asking 'do you really think sorry is enough?'

The albino pulled him closer, and for once, so gently, pressed their mouths together. He was smiling when they parted. "It makes me wonder why I wanted you so bad. But it's okay. Maybe one day it won't hurt any more."

The hollow let go of his hands, turned and disappeared.

"Makes me wonder too."

OWARI

mmm, been a long time since I've done a Hichi x Ichi. I loves Shinji! I'm like, over GRimmjow now, Shinji is my new kink! Lol, review.