Say What?
This was written as a cliché challenge on another site and I was pleased with the result so I decided to share it here as well. Please understand this is written as a spoof and isn't meant to be insulting to anyone's lifestyle. It's just a bit of good clean fun. Enjoy and let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth and Dr. Jack Hodgins sat at a corner booth at the Founding Fathers, sipping drinks and waiting for the arrival of the women who had been the focus of their respective fantasies for so long that neither of them really remembered a time when it hadn't been that way. But that, and everything else in these men's lives, had changed drastically five months ago when the two of them had been out drinking, commiserating with each other over the hardships of developing a relationship with such fiery, independent women. Their empathy for each other's situation had led to… other things and they had both been shocked and horrified to wake up in bed together, naked.
Of course, they had avoided the issue, and each other, like the plague the next several weeks, each of them going into a frenzy of dating women to prove to themselves that it had been a onetime thing that would never be repeated. But it had been repeated, over and over again until they had no choice but to deal with the situation. They had finally come to the conclusion that there had been a strong attraction between them for a very long time and both had wanted to explore this new relationship. And somewhere along the way, during that exploration, they had fallen in love. Neither of them was ashamed of what they had together but they had wanted to give things time to develop on their own before allowing the rather judgmental, critical world the opportunity to intrude into their little bubble of happiness. But now, they were both very, very sure that what they had wasn't going to go away and they were getting tired of sneaking around so they had decided to tell the world about them and to start with Angela and Brennan.
"This is a really bad idea, Jack," Booth complained for about the thousandth time in the last thirty minutes.
"You haven't changed your mind about us, have you, Boothie?" Jack asked, leaning forward anxiously, needing to be reassured by his big, strong FBI stud.
"Of course not, Jackie," Booth assured him with a charm smile. "I told you as soon as the writers started this storyline, we would be together fooorrreeever."
"No," corrected Hodgins, "what you said was you weren't surprised because there wasn't a whole hell of a lot left for them to use to keep you and Brennan apart without the fans attacking FOX headquarters."
"Well, this one will most definitely do the trick," Booth returned, fairly certain that little shipper hearts all over the world would be breaking when this spoiler got leaked. "And as I recall, you said it made you feel a little dirty because you were already married to Angie," he reminded Hodgins reproachfully.
"I guess I got over it," Hodgins shrugged carelessly. "What's a bad idea?" he queried, remembering what had started this conversation.
"How the hell could the writers think it was a good idea for us to break this kind of news to Bones and Angela in our freaking neighborhood bar?" Booth demanded.
"Maybe they think the girls won't make a scene in a public place," Hodgins replied doubtfully, realizing how ludicrous the words were the instant they came out of his mouth.
"Are you freaking kidding me?" demanded Booth incredulously, sure they couldn't be talking about the Brennan and Angela that Booth knew because neither of them would think twice about filtering their reactions no matter where they were. "Have they ever actually met them?"
"Apparently not," Hodgins replied drily, "if this is their idea of a good plan. But look at it like this, if it goes badly, at least this way we can make a quick escape."
"Oh, that makes me feel so much better," Booth drawled but before he could expand on that, his attention was caught by a familiar laugh and he caught sight of Angela and Brennan standing just inside the entrance, scanning the tables for him and Hodgins. "Too late to worry about it now because it's show time," he nodded toward the entrance.
"Yeah, we'll just have to hope the writers didn't throw in any kicks to the groin in the part of the script we didn't see," Hodgins replied only half jokingly.
"You don't think they would do that, do you?" Booth gasped, horrified at the possibility.
"Of course not," Hodgins assured Booth not quite sincerely, making a mental note to protect his privates at all times just in case. "Just follow the script from here on out and we'll be fine," he whispered just as the girls reached the table. Booth nodded his agreement. He could do that.
"Hi," grinned Angela, sliding onto the bench seat beside Hodgins. Sliding in beside Booth, Brennan echoed the greeting with a warm smile for both men and Booth felt a twinge of guilt that his news was going to hurt this woman that he still cared so much about.
"So what's up, guys?" asked Angela and Booth and Hodgins looked at each other a little desperately. Now that the moment was upon them, neither one of them really knew what to say.
"Why don't we get you ladies a drink?" asked Hodgins just a little too jovially and Booth nodded in relief, thinking it might be a good idea to get more than one drink in the two women before they told them the news.
"Oookkkaayy," drawled Angela, her eyes narrowing on Hodgins' at his overenthusiastic attempt to wave the waitress over.
"So, Bones, did you finish identifying those remains?" Booth quickly asked, knowing Brennan could be counted on to launch into a somewhat long winded explanation when it came to her work and he wasn't disappointed. Sighing in relief, he sat back and only halfway listened to her words as he tried to find the words to tell her about him and Hodgins. Two drinks later, he still hadn't come up with the right words but the silence was beginning to get awkward, Brennan was making noises about being on her way, Angela was eying him and Hodgins suspiciously and he knew it was time. "Hodgins and I are together," he blurted out, wincing and throwing the other man an apologetic glance when Hodgins murmured something about a smooth tongued devil under his breath.
"Of course you are, Booth," Brennan blinked at his words, her brow furrowing. "We're all together," she explained slowly, circling her finger to indicate the four of them and Hodgins choked on his drink at the images that floated through his mind at her words. Bad Hodgins, he scolded himself before reluctantly pushing them away.
"No, Bones, not together as in here in this bar together, we're together together," Booth tried again, wiggling his eyebrows comically, cursing his own prudishness when he felt his face turning red, almost sagging in relief when he saw understanding settle on Angela's face, his eyes begging her to take over the explanation.
"Sweetie," Angela said softly, reaching out to squeeze Brennan's hand when Brennan turned her confused blue eyes on her. "He means that he and Hodgins are a couple," she explained with a mysterious smile playing around her mouth.
"You mean they're involved in a sexual relationship?" Brennan asked quietly and Booth stiffened, expecting Brennan to be angry over the news and that was never pretty.
"Yeah, Dr. B, that's what it means," Hodgins spoke up for the first time.
"Oh, thank God," breathed Brennan, sagging against the padded back of the bench seat in relief. "I was beginning to think those damned writers were actually going to make me to have sexual intercourse with you," she told Booth, shuddering delicately and taking a long sip of her drink as if needing fortification to face that thought.
"Say what?" gaped Booth, knowing that wasn't in the script. Newly gay he might be but he was still a guy and it stung more than a little to hear the woman he had fantasized about for so long be so…unenthusiastic about the prospect of having sex with him. "But, Bones, you really like my symmetrical features," he reminded her with a charm smile, ignoring Hodgins' only partially stifled snort of laughter.
"You do have aesthetically pleasing symmetrical features," Brennan nodded, "and I'll admit I felt a superficial physical attraction in the beginning but I got over it," she shrugged.
"What?" gasped Booth. "But look how many times you undressed me last season. That had to mean something," he assured her confidently.
"I concur," she nodded. "It means that the writers were suffering from a serious lack of imagination by that point. In the interest of full disclosure, however, I have to tell you that taking your clothes off was getting pretty damned tiresome."
"But, but, but," Booth sputtered.
"Oh, would you stop being such a big baby?" Hodgins snapped. "Maybe you're just not her type. Plus, hello, gay now. Ring any bells?" Shooting his new partner an apologetic look, Booth just couldn't let it go, needing to know he hadn't lost his studly status.
"So is that it, Bones? You're just not into tall, dark and gorgeous?" he asked, bumping shoulders with her, hitting her with his charm smile and puppy dog eyes, sure that combination wouldn't fail him.
"Yes, Booth, I am very much into tall, dark and gorgeous and a little modesty doesn't exactly turn me off either," she chided, rolling her eyes at his antics.
"I knew you were into me," he sighed happily, settling back against the seat and shooting Hodgins an I told you so look.
"Umm, Booth, actually she's talking about me," Angela threw out there and Brennan nodded her confirmation.
"Say what?" gaped Hodgins, looking from his wife to Brennan. "But, Ange, we're married," he protested.
"True but it was awfully fast, Hodgie, and you had to suspect it wouldn't last," she said, patting his arm consolingly. "Speaking of our wedding, just what the hell was up with the writers making us get married in a freaking jail cell like a couple of redneck morons? They might have thought it was romantic. Me, however, not so much," she snorted and no one even tried to rebut her assessment of that situation.
"I don't believe you, Bones," Booth rebutted with a self satisfied smirk. "I know you like guys."
"No, Booth, I used to like guys but have you ever taken a close look at what they've hooked me up with over the years? One night of sex with a physically attractive man in three freaking years and Hacker is the best they can throw my way? Seriously? It's enough to turn any self-respecting woman into a lesbian out of sheer self defense. It did me anyway," she finished, shuddering as she pictured Hacker.
"A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do," Angela offered her new partner an encouraging smile. "And I was already bisexual," she reminded Booth and Hodgins, "so no problems for me."
"Except that you're married," Hodgins said under his breath, knowing it was ridiculously dog in the mangerish of him to object, considering the reason they were here in the first place.
"Seriously, Hodgie? You really want to go there?" she turned on him, her eyes flitting between him and Booth, smiling and patting his hand when he shook his head with a wry grin. "Besides, if you'll just sign these, that will no longer be a problem," Angela grinned, reaching into her huge purse and pulling out a stack of papers.
"What are they?" Hodgins asked suspiciously.
"Divorce papers," Angela chirped cheerfully. "I need to divorce you so Bren and I can get married." Leaning toward Hodgins, Angela began to go over the papers with him.
"But you don't believe in marriage, Bones," Booth whined in defeat.
"Maybe the right person just hadn't asked me yet, Booth," Brennan responded, winking at Angela and turning to Booth with a smile, wanting to cheer him up. "I'm very happy for you and Hodgins," she grinned, "and all of this is really great when you think about it." Seeing his questioning frown, she leaned forward conspiratorially, "Well, this means that with no new men in my life and no new women in your life to get jealous, we can…," she trailed off waiting for him to read her mind and he didn't disappoint.
"Always be BFF's. Yo," he grinned happily, holding up his fist for a fist pump.
"Exactly," laughed Brennan returning the fist pump, resting her head against his shoulder when he slid an arm around her shoulders and dropped a kiss on the top of her head.
"Hey, guys, what's up?" Sweets asked with a grin, standing beside their table holding a drink.
"Booth and Hodgins have entered into a sexual relationship as have Angela and I and Angela is divorcing Hodgins so that she and I can get married," Brennan explained succinctly.
"Very funny, Dr. Brennan," Sweets snorted, noting Angela practically sitting in Hodgins' lap and how closely Brennan was sitting to Booth.
"Did I give the impression that I was being facetious?" she asked, turning to Booth in confusion.
"No, Bones, you didn't but just let it go for now," he advised softly. God only knew how many sessions Sweets would demand the four of them attend when he figured out Brennan was telling the truth and Booth could wait a really long time for that to happen. "Are you guys ready to get out of here?" he asked, his eyes meeting Hodgins.
"Yeah," Hodgins nodded. "How about we go back to my place and discuss these?" he asked Angela who raised a brow at Brennan then nodded her agreement. Within seconds, they were on their feet and wishing Sweets a hasty goodbye.
"Yeah, guys, have fun," Sweets called out behind them sliding onto the bench seat with a sigh, wishing he had been invited but knowing he would be completely out of place with those four. Taking a sip of his drink, he remembered Brennan's words and almost choked on it, not sure why they persisted in teasing him but knowing there was no way anyone was ever going to believe that.
Walking into the night, Booth, Hodgins, Angela and Brennan rode off into the sunset in Hodgins' mini cooper and lived happily ever after, all in the same house. And that's all I'm going to say about that.
The End