Combine(r) Wars Abridged
Part 1: There goes the cyberhood!
[Menasor and Computron emerge from the spacebridge above Caminus. They exchange blows and insults as they descend onto the unsuspecting planet.]
Menasor: Geek!
Computron: Jock!
Menasor: I'll give you a colossal swirlie!
Computron: Good luck doing your own taxes!
Menasor: You were awful with them! This is the first year I wasn't audited.
Computron: That's because I didn't put your daughter as a dependant.
Menasor: You idiot! Her AND her boyfriend are staying with us now!
Computron: Then you're screwed! Hahahaha…
Menasor: Hey, [Menasor points behind Computron] what's THAT!
Computron: Nice try… I'm not falling for it.
Menasor: No, really! There's something there!
Computron: I'm not looking.
Menasor: I think it's a class-M planet!
Computron: That doesn't make sense. First of all, 'Class-M' is from a different franchise altogether! Second, that only means it supports carbon-based life. And as you know, we cybertronians can survive in many environments that—[Computron crashes through a building. Menasor lands on top of him, putting all his momentum into a single punch than crushes Computron's head like a soda-can.]
Menasor: Heh, what a nerd!
[Windblade and Maxima swoop in and pew-pew Menasor. He swats at them as their shots deflect off his thick armor.]
Menasor: [Autotunes his voice as he pipes in his beatbox loop.] Oh, look. Little miss speaker is here to fight.
She's brought all her passion against all my might!
Now see here girlie, this move ain't too bright!
Cuz I got the guns to knock you clear out of sight!
Windblade: Combiners! 'Think you're all so big and strong.
But I'm here to prove you embarrassingly wrong!
Caminus is peaceful, we like music and song.
You're wrecking the place up. Oh, but not for long…
So you came here for fun, Cybertron made you bored.
So what if an army can't stand up to your horde?
Now this lesson concludes: you won't be a warlord,
And as Primus is my witness I'll end you with my, umm…
Menasor: … Sword?
[Windblade draws her sword and cleaves the combiner in half]
Maxima: What is this? Epic rap battles of Cybertron?
Windblade: We saved Caminus, Maxima! And all with zero casualties!
[Menasor's arm swings out of nowhere and strikes Maxima. She tumbles through the air and breaks into pieces as she impacts against a wall.]
Menasor: Told ya!
Windblade: Maxima!
Menasor: You're no hero! You're just a killer! And I should know… I killed Computron and Maxima… that's it I think. Oh! And my upstairs neighbors: It's three in the morning on a weekday, TURN OF THAT GLITCHFOUNDED MUSIC!
Windblade: I AM SO a hero!
Menasor: Am not!
Windblade: Am so…
Menasor: Am not…
Windblade: Am SOOOO! [Windblade cuts Menasor's whole body into tiny pieces.]
Random bystander: By the Allspark! Windblade brutally murdered that innocent giant!
Windblade: He's not innocent! He's a Decepticon combiner! He killed Maxima, and was about to destroy Caminus! I stopped him!
Random bystander: I'm going to tell EVERYBODY that you're a raging killer! [Turns away] Hey, did you hear about Windblade…
Windblade: Scrap… I hope this doesn't come back to haunt me…
[Somewhere else in the galaxy… ]
Optimus Prime: [Gets a text on his Nokia.] I don't believe it!
[Somewhere ELSER in the galaxy… ]
Megatron: [Gets a text on his Motorola.] Oh this is good!
[Somewhere EVEN ELSER in the galaxy]
Springer: [Checks his email on his old Atari desktop with its grainy-green tube monitor.] Huh? Some kind of Windblade... cut up a combine? I'm sure glad I don't live on a farm.