Spoilers: Includes mild Season 5 spoilers (such as character names and situations)
Disclaimers: I own no part of the Stargate world, I make no money from this endeavour.
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John wandered through the lab's entrance, his eyes scanning the room for Rodney. The mandatory rest day was a good idea, but only if you had something interesting to do with it. John was bored. Ronon was off on a trading mission and Rodney was nowhere to be found. Unwilling to ask the scientist where he was publically over the radio, John had gone in search of his friend, or possibly just to do something interesting to distract himself from his boredom.
John's last idea as to where Rodney might hiding was to check out Beckett's lab. Carson, though no longer head of medicine, had been given his own lab space to work on his theories and to continue the research into Michael's retrovirus. Rodney could often be found hanging around his old friend. Though he wasn't actually their old friend Carson. It was all still a bit too confusing for John and despite months having past he still wasn't at peace with the idea that the Carson clone was here for good. Or perhaps it was what Teyla had suggested; that he was unwilling to commit to the new friendship for fear of losing the man again. It had been soul destroying when they had lost Carson before, and though he had somehow magically been returned to them, John still felt uneasy. Like he was disrespecting the original Carson some how. Not that he would admit that to anyone.
He paused in the entrance to the lab, looking around through the stacks of notes, books and pieces of technology he didn't dare hazard a guess as to their function. He was pretty sure Rodney wasn't here, as he couldn't hear him and that was the primary indicator of the man's presence. Even when he was working intently he was muttering or clicking his fingers. However the lab was deathly quiet; wrong choice of words there. John sighed and was about to exit when he heard a sound from the far corner.
He wandered around the large bubbling pillar and saw Carson sat at a small table looking out through the large Ancient window at the sea beyond. It was unusual to see the man not working, but the half empty bottle that rested beside him was even more unusual. Concern flared to life in John.
"Hey Doc." He greeted as he approached the man.
Carson turned and looked up at him with a smile, shadowed with a deep sadness. But, the man's eyes were clear enough; he hadn't drunk too much of the alcohol yet. John had a worrying thought that this may be about the whole clone issue and he felt desperately unwilling to get involved. However, Carson was his friend and he was obviously unhappy.
"Hi Colonel."
"You alright?" John asked as he stepped to the table.
"Aye. I'm okay." He drawled in return, but his eyes left John's and slipped back to the sea view. "Just taking a break."
"I see." John didn't know what else to say. If it was Ronon he would know what to say, or even Rodney he could handle. He considered finding Teyla, but she would be busy with her baby.
Carson looked back up at him and waved a hand to the empty chair beside him. "Care to join me, Colonel?"
"Sure." He pulled out the chair and settled down onto its cool metallic surface. "What you drinking?" He asked as he reached out to turn the bottle. Whiskey.
"Care for a drink as well?" Carson asked as he reached over to a sideboard and retrieved an empty glass.
John wasn't really a spirit drinker and least of all whiskey, but if his friend wanted a drinking buddy he would have one glass. Carson poured out the dark liquid into the glass before John answered and pushed it into his hand. He then picked up his glass and they clinked the glasses together and drank.
The harsh liquid burned John's throat, but its warmth was oddly welcoming. Wincing as he put the glass back down he let out a loud breath. "That's got a strong kick." He said.
"Aye, it does." Carson replied with a laugh.
"So what we drinking to?" John asked.
"Life, the Universe and the curious nature of our fate." Carson replied with a large smile as he took another drink. So maybe he was feeling the affects slightly.
John contemplated the statement as he took another sip of the breath-stealing spirit. He guessed this was going to be a 'clone' conversation after all. Hell, he didn't know what he was going to say.
"Having problems with the retrovirus research?" He hazarded, maybe if he kept the conversation to work it may help.
"It's going as well as can be expected. I've been working with Dr Keller in studying little Tagan's DNA." As usual when Tagan's heritage and Michael's plan were mentioned John felt a pang, so he took another sip of the potent liquid. "It's going well I think." Carson continued, his eyes focused down into his glass as he swilled the liquid around.
John waited a beat. "Have to say you look a little glum though." Was the best he could come up with.
"Aye." Carson replied. It was unusual for the Scotsman to be so tight-lipped, but then the man had been through a lot. Not only had he been a captive of Michael's for so long, apparently forgotten by his people, but then to discover that he wasn't even the real Carson Beckett and instead a clone, a copy. What could you say to that? Maybe it was best to leave the man to his thoughts in silence.
Taking another fortifying sip of Whiskey John hissed out a breath and settled himself back into his chair and turned his attention to the sea view himself now.
"Sorry, Colonel. I'm not the best company right now. I'm feeling rather self-indulgent."
"Hey, happens to the best of us." John joked. "Seriously though, you okay?"
"I'm fine, Colonel. Just contemplating the stresses of life."
"Precisely which of our many stresses are you referring to?"
Carson looked round at him finally, a smile on his face again. "The female variety."
"I see." John relaxed somewhat now. This wasn't a clone issue, this was a woman issue. He tried not to smile at the Doctor as he asked. "I was under the impression that you were seeing Doctor Porter?"
Carson tilted his head away. "No not really. Turns out she's seeing a marine."
"Oh." John replied finally understanding. "Not that Jones guy?"
"Aye. The Jones guy." Carson confirmed.
"What is it about that guy that all the women love?" John asked in disgust.
"Possibly his good looks, sharp wit and lack of emotional issues." Carson replied rather bitterly.
John nodded as he drank. "Yep, we do rack up the issues working here."
"Try being a clone created by an evil creature hell bent on galactic domination, who used a retrovirus you created to kill thousands."
John admitted he had a point there. "I'm sure she doesn't blame you for that, Doc. You two seemed to be hitting it off last time I saw you."
"No she doesn't blame me, in fact she wants to help me with my research." Carson poured out some more whiskey into his glass and then John's without offering. "She's such a pretty thing, and she's with that brute of a marine instead."
The man was heading down a depressed path that John recognised from his own past experience. "You can't let it get you down man."
"It's just difficult you know; pretending not to be bothered and to treat her like I'm not interested." Carson replied.
John frowned at the man, thinking it was highly unlikely anyone didn't see the attraction between the two.
"You just got to push it aside, shut it up in a tight little box somewhere and ignore it." John found himself answering. He looked down into the brown liquid as it circled his glass and his mood suddenly began to head down hill as well.
Hell, he had come looking for a distraction, not an 'in your face' kick to his own problems. Unbidden Teyla's image returned to his mind, never all that far away. He felt for Carson, having spent pretty much the past four years in the same situation, but it had been this last year when things had gotten difficult. She had fallen for someone else and had his child. Sure the man was a mutated creature of Michael's now, but that didn't change the fact that she had chosen Kanaan.
"How do you do that?" Carson asked, pulling John back out of his mental wanderings.
"You just do it." Was all John could think to say. He reached out and splashed more liquid into his glass and then into Carson's outstretched one.
"It's not all that healthy though is it?" Carson commented as he nodded a thank you, pulling the refilled glass to his lips.
"What else can you do?" John shrugged. "Other than embarrass yourself and ruin a good friendship and working relationship."
"But, that's the risk we take every time. It's just some of them are more difficult."
"Yep, really difficult." John sighed.
Carson leant his right elbow on the table top and turned to John, resting his apparently heavy head against his hand. He studied John intently for a moment. "Hasn't got any easier then?" He asked.
John flashed him a look, his eyes narrowing. "What has?"
"Your feelings for Teyla?"
Hearing the words out loud was shocking enough, but to hear them from someone other than Ronon was a real surprise. "What?"
"Please, we all see it, Lad." Carson replied.
"See what?" John demanded. He could feel the barriers coming up and his tone darkening.
"The way you two look at each other. Have done for years. At least the years I've been here and it doesn't appear to have changed now." Carson reached for his drink again.
"She's had another man's son." John found himself protesting abruptly. Anger burned hotly in him. Annoyed that his carefully enclosed feelings for her had been seen through and for the painful suggestion that she might have felt something for him once.
"Aye, son she has." Carson said softly and with way too much sympathy for John.
John chucked back the last of his glass and dropped it loudly onto the table and worked to control the chaotic feelings bubbling through him.
"Why do you think she didn't tell you about her pregnancy?" Carson asked eventually, as he refilled their glasses once again.
"She was looking for her people, and didn't want to get kicked off the team." John replied, the old feelings of resentment and anger at her returning again. "She was looking for him." He added.
"Rodney told me she kept her whole relationship a secret, even before her pregnancy. Why did she do that?"
"I don't really want to talk about this, Carson." John responded.
"Sorry lad, I guess it's easier to focus on someone else's problem than your own."
They shared a smile, but John's was forced. He didn't like the downward spiral of his thoughts and mood. He shook them off and worked to push it all back in its suppressive box.
"Well, I don't think you've got too much of a problem anyway." He said, purposefully lifting his tone.
"No?" Carson asked.
"Nah, Porter obviously likes you man. She'll dump that Jones marine soon." He said with confidence. "Just be patient." And hope she doesn't get pregnant John thought.
"You think?" Carson asked slightly brighter than before.
"Sure. If she knows you're interested, she'll choose you. And if she doesn't; at least you know." John smiled at him.
"Should I tell her out right?" Carson asked, his eyes sparkling with renewed hope. He shook his head then, "Look who I'm asking!"
"Hey." John protested.
"Come on, it's been five years and you're still pining after Teyla." Carson replied with amusement.
It was bizarre to be actually talking about this subject with someone and to be teased over it was even more so. And kind of freeing. "She's a team mate."
"She isn't on the team right now though is she? She's on maternity leave." Carson remarked.
"A technicality. She'll be back on the team soon enough." John dismissed his point.
"Some may say this would be your golden opportunity." Carson pushed, sounding much happier now, even if it was at John's expense.
"She's a good friend and I would never want to jeopardize that." John replied with confidence.
Carson's amusement disappeared. "She'll never be just a friend, John. Not these women. They get into your heart and touch your soul in a way that we will never forget."
The words were terrible in their harshness, and perhaps in their truth.
"Come on man, you've only known Porter for a few months." John joked, pushing aside the warring emotions.
Carson looked from the vast seascape before them and looked into John's eyes with a frank honesty that drained John's forced humour away. "It doesn't matter. Those that touch you, they touch you forever. Those rare few in our lives."
John found himself nodding. "Like your first love."
Carson nodded in return, a happy thoughtful smile dancing over his face. "They never leave us. We may meet many women, but only a handful really touch us. Only those do we really love."
Love; is was a beautiful, harsh and painful word. It trickled through John's mind as sat beside his friend watching the distant watery horizon. Their minds and hearts reached out much further; back through time to lost loves, unrequited crushes and missing friends. And forwards into possible futures of fantasy and dreams.
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Possibly TBC.