Disclaimer: Glee and all it's lovely characters do not, unfortunately, belong to me.
Authors Note: This is my first story and has not been Beta'd. However, I have read over it many times and am quite sure there are no errors. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. xx
"Hey Kurt, thanks for doing this. You got the music?" Finn dumped his jacket and school bag into one of the seats in the front row of the auditorium and jumped up onto the stage, where Kurt was already standing next to the piano. "No problem", he replied "Mind helping me move this thing centre stage? The acoustics are much better from there."
Kurt and Finn had rehearsed together quite a few times, and had actually becoming good friends over the last few months. Kurt was one of the few people left in the school who didn't always want to talk about Quinn and the baby, he was just happy to be spending any time with Finn. He was also the only other person who could sing the soprano parts when Finn wanted to rehearse and Rachel was busy with one of her many other clubs and activities, like today.
"This would be so much easier if Rachel was here" Finn said. "Trust me", Kurt replied, with more than a hint of that diva attitude he was famous for "I can sing this much better than her! You don't need her". "Yeah, who needs girls anyway, right?" Finn laughed. Kurt couldn't help himself "Well Mr Hudson, I'm glad you're finally beginning to see things my way" he joked, winking at Finn. Finn laughed a little at this, remembering some of Kurt's earlier words of wisdom "Yeah, I'm beginning to think you might have been on to something before, when you said girls were my problem"
Kurt didn't respond to this. He knew that nothing he could say would ever change Finn's mind, not really. Even if Finn wasn't still completely obsessed with Quinn (whether he would admit it or not) there was no way he was ever going to be interested in Kurt, not in that way. "But still…" Kurt thought to himself "…a boy can dream".
"Ok," Kurt finally said, pulling some books and sheet music out of his school bag "...let's practice. I only have one copy of the music; Mr Schuester is going to copy it later for you and Rachel. In the meantime you'll just have to read over my shoulder." He sat at the piano and spread the music out so that he could see all the pages at once. "This is your part here, ok? Just follow my lead" and with that Kurt began to play. Finn stood behind him, trying to read the music. It had obviously been photocopied from a book a long time ago and the print was quite small, making it difficult to read from where he stood. When he started to sing, Kurt could hear the uncertainty in his voice. "Of course, you can't possibly read the music from there. Sit down!" Kurt moved along the piano stool so that Finn had space to sit – or rather perch on the end – and continued to play from where he had left off. This time Finn sounded much more confident and the voice that came out of him was every bit as strong and as smooth as Kurt had ever heard him sing.
During the last few months Kurt had seen Finn change so much; he was quiet, withdrawn, and he only ever spoke to a handful of people. But when he sang! He sang like no-one was listening, like he was singing to himself in the shower (which Kurt knew he did – he had heard him while waiting for him after football practice) and that was when he was most like the old Finn, the cool, confident and eternally positive person they had known before Quinn messed him up. That was how Finn sang now. Every note was perfect, every word filled with exactly the right amount of emotion.
Kurt couldn't help but turn to look at him as he sang; he was so caught up in Finn's voice that he forgot to start singing the harmony part and actually stopped playing altogether. It took Finn a few beats to notice this and to look over to Kurt, wondering whether he had got the words wrong, or if he was a little sharp at the end of that last line. He saw Kurt staring back at him, his hands still hovering just above the notes that would have come next. Before Finn had a chance to ask what he had done wrong, Kurt leaned in and kissed him, gently but without any hint of hesitation. He held the kiss for just a second before pulling back to look at Finn, who was completely shocked and was trying to figure out what had just happened. He came to his senses just in time to see Kurt leaning back in towards him, obviously misinterpreting his stunned silence as some sort of permission to continue. Before Kurt could get any closer, Finn had sprung from the piano with the speed that Kurt had seen many times on the football field and was suddenly standing at the edge of the stage. Kurt stood slowly, trying to work out how he had misread the situation so badly. One look at Finn told him that he had made a terrible mistake. Finn had been through enough recently, he didn't need to deal with Kurt's stupid school-boy crush.
"What the fuck?" Finn asked, still shocked by what had happened. "I know…I'm sorry…" Kurt mumbled, "I just thought…" "What, you just thought you'd kiss me? What the fuck?" Finn snapped. Kurt could see the confusion disappear from his face, being replaced by anger. He hated knowing that he had upset his friend. "Finn….I'm sorry…I don't know…" but before he could get any further Finn exploded. "I'm not fucking gay!" he yelled "Get that through your thick skull, ok? Jesus….fuck!" Kurt could feel his eyes burn as the first tears started to roll down his face. "I'm sorry. I know…" He was desperate now, he wanted Finn to just forget about all of this so they could pretend he hadn't made a complete idiot of himself. "Fucking homo!" Finn spat the words out, like he couldn't bear to even think the words. "I should smash your fucking face in right now…" "Please…" Kurt pleaded, trying desperately to stop the tears with the sleeve of his favourite jacket "Don't. I'm sorry…" "You know what? This is bullshit. Fuck you!...Fuck you…." And with that, Finn walked off the stage, leaving Kurt standing alone, centre stage, crying.
Finn walked out the school and just kept on walking, not really paying attention to where he was, not aiming for any particular destination. He just didn't want to have to stop walking, because that would mean he would have to start thinking, and that was just too difficult to handle right now. Even when it started to rain, he didn't stop to put on the jacket he had grabbed along with his school bag as he left the auditorium. He was furious with Kurt for what had happened. He knew that Finn wasn't interested in him, he knew everything that had happened to him, he knew that he was one of the only people Finn really considered as a friend these days, and he had still tried that bullshit! Fuck….why had he tried that? He must have known it wasn't going to happen. And surely Kurt had realised what it would do to their friendship? But then maybe he didn't really care about that. Maybe he had only been pretending, acting as Finn's friend so that he could get closer to him, try to 'convert' him or something.
As he walked, Finn realised a few things. He had known about Kurt's crush on him for quite a while, but he knew he had never encouraged it. As soon as this thought made its way through Finn's mind, he realised something else. He had never really tried to stop Kurt either, he hadn't wanted to hurt him by telling him flat out that he had no chance and that Finn was never going to feel 'that way' about him. If anything, Finn realised, he had almost enjoyed knowing that he could have that kind of effect on someone, since none of the girls at school seemed to want anything to do with him after the whole fiasco with Quinn. He had found it quite flattering really, even if it was Kurt.
A few minutes later Finn began to realise that he was still walking aimlessly through the rain. His t-shirt was soaked, but he didn't feel cold; he was too caught up in his own thoughts to notice the drop in temperature as it got gradually darker outside. He looked around him as he walked, trying to work out where he was. He couldn't remember which way he had turned when he left the school, so it took him a long time to recognise the neighbourhood. He knew that one of the 'Cheerio's' lived on this street (he had been to a party here with Quinn last year), and he knew that the guy who sat next to him in math was just along the road. Actually, now that he thought about it, this was where Mr Schue lived too, and just at that Finn spotted his car parked a few doors down from where he stood. In a strange spur-of-the-moment sort of way, he decided that maybe he would try to talk to Mr S. He had always been really helpful before and had given him some really good advice in the past, maybe he could help now? Without any further thought or explanation, he walked up and pressed the door buzzer.
Will Schuester was sitting on the sofa, watching some rubbish TV programme while marking some of that weeks test papers when he heard the buzzer. He wasn't expecting any visitors and could only think of one person who might come to his door – Terri. "The bitch." She had already taken half the furniture from what had been their home, and he knew she had all her clothes and things with her, but no doubt she had thought of something else she wanted from him. Blood, maybe? He shuffled together the test papers, dropped them onto the armchair as he stood and walked into the hall. As he went to open the door he was half expecting a confrontation with his very-nearly-ex-wife, but what he actually saw was something he could never have expected. Standing there in jeans and a soaking wet t-shirt, with rain still dripping from his rain although it had stopped a few minutes ago, was Finn. One look at his face told Will that this was not a casual visit about glee, or a question about some piece of Spanish homework. Without really knowing what to say or do, he stepped back from the door to allow Finn into the hallway of the house. Finn walked straight into the living room and sat down on the couch, without even looking at his teacher. Will walked through and sat back down in his armchair, moving the test papers into the bag sitting on the floor beside him.
As soon as Will turned back to face him, Finn blurted out "Kurt kissed me". "What?" Will answered, taken aback by this sudden announcement. "Why would he…" He shook his head slightly, what was he supposed to say to that? "Start at the beginning, Finn. Tell me what happened" So that's exactly what Finn did. He went through everything that had happened in the auditorium, missing out no detail as Will sat and listened, his face showing no obvious emotions. He wanted to know exactly what was going on before he said anything, knowing how vulnerable Finn could be when he was hurt. The last thing he wanted to do was say something to make it worse for him. Finn continued to talk, explaining every thought he had had while walking; only finally stopping at the moment he had rung the doorbell.
"I'm sorry, Mr Schue, I probably shouldn't be bothering you with this. I just thought, you know…maybe you could help somehow." Will had no idea what he could possibly do to help, but he knew he couldn't refuse Finn right now. "It's ok, Finn", he said "I'm glad you feel you can talk to me. Although I'm not sure how I can help." Finn simply shrugged his shoulders and looked down at his feet. The movement caused more rain to drip down from his hair, making them both realise that he was still soaking wet. Will could see that he had started to shiver. "Let me at least get you a towel. You'll get sick if you stay like that" He walked out of the room and returned a minute later carrying a big white towel and a soft grey t-shirt. "Thought you might want this too" he said, as he threw both items to Finn over the back of the sofa before walking back round to his chair. "It might be a bit small for you, but it's clean and dry." "Thanks, Mr S. You didn't have to do this." Finn pulled off his wet t-shirt and rubbed the towel over his hair and torso before pulling on the grey t-shirt. When Will realised what Finn was doing, he turned to look out the window, but it was just a second too late. He saw a flash of Finn's body, the muscles that didn't really belong on someone so young. "It's ok. Couldn't have my leading man getting ill could I?" he joked, trying to lighten the situation a little "Don't think Coach Tanaka would appreciate it much either." Finn laughed a little as he sat back down on the sofa and Will was glad to see that he had started to calm down now.
"Finn, why did this bother you so much?" Will asked tentatively, afraid to set the young man off. "I mean, you knew how Kurt feels about you, but you never seemed to mind before. Was what he did really that bad?" "I'm not gay, ok!" Finn snapped at him. Will held his hands up in a sign of surrender "I never said that. I'm just trying to understand." Finn considered this for a second, then slumped down in his seat and sighed heavily. "Mr Schue, have you ever had a guy…y'know….like you before?" Will answered quietly; "Yes." "What happened?" Finn asked. "That's not really important right now" Will answered. But Finn obviously wasn't going to stop there. "Please, Mr S. It would really help to know…."
Will was silent. He was not sure how much he could reasonably tell his student, but he didn't want to lie to him either.
"Did he ever try to kiss you?" Finn asked quietly. Will had to look away, he couldn't answer, couldn't give Finn the information he was asking for. Finn seemed to realise there was something his teacher wasn't telling him. "Did he… Did you…?" Will had to stop this conversation, had to be the responsible person. "I really don't think this is an appropriate conversation for me to have with a student" he stated, in his firmest 'teacher voice'. "Mr Schue, you're the only person I can talk to about his. Please…? I won't say anything, I just want to understand what's going on…with me… with Kurt…" And as much as this was true, Finn had to admit that he was starting to get curious. Mr Schuester had never avoided a question before. "Finn, I'm your teacher…" "Ok" Finn interrupted him, "Fine, look, let's just pretend you weren't my teacher for a minute, please. Don't be Mr Schue, just be William, right?" "It's Will" "Ok, Will…" Finn said, finding it kind of strange to be calling a teacher by their first name. He only even knew Mr Schue's first name because it was written on the inside of some old music books. "So just be Will… Just be…a friend, ok? Please…."
Will sighed, knowing that he would eventually give in anyway, and decided not to fight. If Finn really wanted to know, he would tell him. "Look, it was a long time ago. I was in college and, well…I was young, single….then he started to… We got along really well, y'know? We were together for about seven months." It took a moment for Finn to register what he was hearing. "Whoa!" he whispered "You actually dated a guy? I mean….whoa….dude…." Will suddenly felt very unsure of himself. Had he already said too much? All he could say was "You asked, Finn." "I know!" said Finn "I just didn't expect…that…." For a minute, they both sat in silence. Will started to think that he should have just called Finn's Mom to come and get him as soon as he turned up on the doorstep.
It was Finn who broke the silence first. "So do you, like….like guys? I mean, you have a wife, so you can't be gay, right?" "I'm not gay" Will responded calmly "But I don't regret being with Matt at all" He shrugged, finally looking back over to Finn, trying to judge his reaction. "It was good while it lasted." "So you're like….bisexual then?" Finn asked. Will had never really given it too much thought before. When he and Terri got together he'd never looked at anyone – male or female - in that way. Well, there was Emma, but that was over before it ever really began. It sort of made sense now though, hearing it from someone else. "I guess so. Though he was the only guy I was ever with…" Will laughed a little, as he realised what he was saying "…but then Terri was the only girl… so yeah. I guess I am." And it actually felt good to say it out loud.
Finn just sat still, looking towards his teacher, but not making eye contact. The look on his face wasn't one of shock, more like confusion; the same look he often had when trying to work out what he had just been asked in Spanish class. "At least he's not freaking out" Will thought. This time it was his turn to break the silence. "Look, I don't mind telling you this, I'm not ashamed of it, but you can't tell anyone about this, ok? If people at school started to hear about this…." Finn stopped him there; "Whoa, I'm not going to say anything Mr Sch….Will, so long as you don't say anything about me and Kurt." Will gave him a small nod "Of course" he replied.
They both relaxed a bit more. Will could see that Finn had had a rough day and probably needed to sleep, or at least eat. He went through to the kitchen and grabbed two cans of coke and a couple of chocolate bars from the fridge. He passed one of each to Finn who smiled and accepted them without any words. For a few minutes they both sat in silence, like old friends, neither really feeling the need to make small talk. Eventually, though, Finn's curiosity got the better of him and without really thinking about it, he started to ask the questions that were going through his mind. "So what was it like? I mean, I don't want details or anything, but it must've been weird…" He drifted off, unsure of how much he really wanted to know. Will picked up on this and couldn't help the smile from forming on his face as he considered the many possible answers he could give before reminding himself that this was an impressionable young student he was talking to, not an old college buddy. "I think it was weirder for other people, because neither of us was openly 'gay', but to us it just seemed really…normal, natural. We were great mates, had a laugh together, liked the same things, you know? Just like any other couple." "So how come you broke up then?" Finn asked "I mean, why are you two not still together if it was so good?" "He moved back home when we graduated, and we agreed against the whole long-distance thing. It was a mutual decision." Will stated, without any hint of sorrow or regret. "And then about a month after that I started seeing Terri…." "Wow. So what does she think about all this?" Finn asked. "Actually, she doesn't know. I never actually told anyone because it never seemed important" Will laughed a little and shook his head, trying not to dwell too much on the past.
"But look, let's get back to you. What are you going to do about Kurt? He's your friend, and he's probably really upset right now." "I don't know" Finn said, the realisation of what he had said earlier starting to kick in. "I guess I should apologise to him. God…I was really mean to him!" "Yeah, it sounds like you over-reacted a bit." Will said. "Huh…a bit…" Finn mumbled. He pulled his phone out his jeans pocket and typed a quick message to Kurt ("I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have been so mean. Think you could forgive me? F x") and sent it, hoping that some part of their friendship could be recovered eventually. He also sent a quick message to his mom, knowing she would be wondering where he was ("I'm at a friends house. Won't be back till late. Don't cook. F x"). He then put his phone back into his pocket and turned back to face the man whose house and life he had invaded. "You know the weird thing is…I mean…it wasn't even that bad, really. It was just a kiss, but it was Kurt, y'know? That's what made me freak out.
I just can't think about him that way, he's like a kid brother or something…" "…and he's a guy" Will said, trying to follow his thought process.
Finn simply said "yeah…" as he stood and walked out to the hallway absently, as if he were sleepwalking or had forgotten what he was about to do. "Finn?" Will called after him. Not getting an answer, he followed him out into the hallway "What's up?" Finn looked deep in thought, "Do you have a picture of him?" he asked. Will was confused. "…of Kurt?" he asked, sure that this couldn't be what Finn was asking, but unable to work out what he meant. Finn smiled back at him "No, of your…of Matt" he said, checking Will's reaction to make sure he'd remembered the name right, which he assumed he had since he wasn't corrected. "Oh, um…yeah, upstairs" Will started to walk up the stairs and Finn followed. He had no idea why Finn would want to see a picture of his ex-boyfriend, but he couldn't see the harm in showing him, so he continued across the landing to his small study.
The room was a mess, Finn noticed. This was obviously where Will did most of his school work as there were jotters, textbooks, binders and sheets of paper spread all over the place. There was little furniture; a simple desk with three drawers down one side and a laptop on top, one of those swirly computer chairs Finn had loved to spin on as a kid, and a small book case in the corner. There were a few cardboard boxes under the desk and stacked under the window. Propped up against the bookcase was the only thing that didn't seem to be connected to school; Will's acoustic guitar. Finn had seen it a few times during rehearsals and had been a little bit jealous that he couldn't play. He was a great drummer, but had never really been interested in any other instruments until he joined glee. As Finn took in his surroundings, Will had removed a few old books from the bookcase, finally settling on one simply titled "Teaching and Learning" and pulled out a photograph that had been tucked inside the back cover. He smiled as he looked down at it for just a second before handing it to Finn. The picture showed a slightly younger Will sitting on a battered-looking couch holding a bottle of beer. To his left was another young man, about the same age but obviously a few inches taller. With his short dark hair and green eyes, Finn had to admit that he was not bad looking; he could almost imagine the girls at the college getting jealous of this couple, knowing that both men were completely unattainable.
He noticed, too that Matt was holding the guitar propped in the corner of the room – Will's guitar. "He played guitar too?" he asked. "Yeah, he was really good, actually taught me quite a bit." Will answered "We'd been to buy that guitar the day this photo was taken. We were celebrating the end of the exams." "Wow, you look…really happy." Finn said. "We were. I have more if you want to see…?" Will let the end of his question hang, he was unsure about how Finn was handling all this information. He didn't want to scare Finn or make him uncomfortable, but he didn't seem to mind, and Will was enjoying their conversation, and his memories. Finn found that he was actually quite curious, and it was nice to see Will smiling. "Yeah, sure" he said "But, won't Mrs S. be home soon?" It struck him that he had actually expected her to be home when he first approached the house. "Um…no." was all Will said. Finn knew from the tone of his voice that he wouldn't say anything more about his wife. As he looked over to Will he realised for the first time something which probably should have been obvious to him before. Something Rachel or even Kurt would have noticed immediately. Will wasn't wearing his wedding ring. Finn wondered how many days or weeks ago he had taken it off, but decided it was best not to mention it. After all, he had already invaded this man's home and asked far too many questions. The last thing he wanted was to upset Will when he had been so kind, so honest.
"Here" Will said as he pulled a box from under the desk and started to rummage through it, "This is some of my old college stuff. Teaching books, lecture notes…. You can tell how much I've used it huh?" They both laughed. Will sat down on the floor in the middle of the room and started to pull packets of photographs from the box. "Ah...the days before digital cameras! I miss real pictures." he said. Finn knew what he meant. There were a handful of photographs of his Dad around the house. They were all nicely framed, either hung on the wall or carefully positioned on tables and units. He knew how long it took his mom to dust them every week, but he would never swap them for even a thousand digital photographs. There was something so much more permanent about a physical picture, Finn thought. He sat down next to the other man and together they looked through some of the photographs, each one bringing another little story, another small piece of Will's history. Finn listened as Will explained how Matt had taught him to play guitar in exchange for dance lessons. "If he had one flaw" he said "it was that he was, without a doubt, the worst dancer I've ever seen!" Finn couldn't help but laugh a little, "Worse than me?" he asked. Will looked at him for a second and smiled. "No, Finn. I think you win that one!" This time they both laughed, and it was a proper laugh this time, as if they were real friends, the type you knew from years ago and had no secrets from. They continued to look through the photographs until they came across one of Will and Matt kissing. It looked to Finn like they were in a nightclub or something. The wall Will was leaning against was dark red and heavily patterned, and he could see people dancing just to the side of the young couple. There was a certain intimacy in the way Will's arm was wrapped around Matt's shoulder, and Finn thought he could see a smile of Will's face. They obviously hadn't realised anyone was looking, far less taking a photograph.
"Oh, um….sorry. You didn't need to see that one" Will said, holding the photograph in front of him. Finn looked over to Will when he spoke, was he actually blushing? He reached out slowly and took the picture from his hand. "No, it's ok…um… Was it… I mean, did it feel…different, from kissing a girl?" he asked, still looking at the photograph. "In a way, yes, especially if he hadn't shaved for a few days" Will answered honestly. Finn laughed, a small lop-sided smile spread across his face. This time he was the one blushing, and he knew it. "But people don't all kiss the same way" Will continued "Everyone has their own rhythm, their own style, just like singing. Matt was pretty good…" His sentence drifted off a little, and then suddenly he came back to his senses. "Sorry. Sorry, this is weird. I shouldn't be talking to you about this stuff, it's really not appropriate for a teacher…." Finn cut him off "Will! Just…relax, ok? I'm not here as a student. I mean…I came to you because I know you and I trust you to be honest with me and to help me. If I didn't want to know I would have left as soon as you mentioned any of this…" He held his arms out to indicate the pile of pictures spread around them. "To be honest, it's kind of nice to know that you had a life before glee, before McKinley…So I should really thank you, for being honest, and for sharing this with me."
"Yeah, well… I don't really know why I did, to be honest" Will responded. "Matt was a long time ago and I've kept him hidden in my past for so long. I guess you just reminded me of him, I mean, by talking about Kurt…" "Or maybe you just wanted to talk about him…." Finn suggested. "I don't mean to pry, and it's probably not my place to say, but it sounds like you sort of miss him." Will considered this for a second "Hmm…I think what I miss, more than just Matt, is just…the feeling of being young and in love, and not caring what anyone thought about it." As Finn looked straight into Will's eyes, he could almost imagine he saw his memories, like a film running through his head. And then Will seemed to return to the present and the movie was turned off, but Finn could still see the happiness that the memories had brought to him. Will didn't turn away from Finn immediately but held his gaze for a few more seconds. He realised then that Finn didn't look confused, or freaked out or upset. He actually looked relaxed, happier than Will had seen him for quite a while. And there was something else there; was it curiosity he could see in the young man's eyes?
"Is there something else you want to know, Finn?" he asked. Finn suddenly realised he had been looking at Will for too long, and felt a little embarrassed "Huh? Um…no…." Will laughed again "Don't get all shy now, Finn! I've already told you pretty much all there is to know about me and Matt, but if there is something else you want to know you shouldn't feel embarrassed about it." Finn couldn't bring himself to look at the man in front of him. Instead he looked down at the carpet, at the frayed threads around the bottom of his jeans as he answered very quietly; "It's not really something I wanted to ask…it's just… I was kind of thinking, trying to imagine…" Will looked at Finn, confused by his sudden incoherency. They had been talking for hours now, what could get the young man so flustered now? "What is it Finn? Just tell me…" Finn blushed and allowed his eyes to roam over the pictures of the young couple again. "I was trying to imagine…if it would be different kissing a guy…not Kurt, but someone…. Someone I could actually like…" Will didn't know what to say. He tried to catch Finn's eye in an attempt to work out what he was trying to say.
Finn looked up slowly to meet his gaze. Something had changed in his face. He didn't look embarrassed or shy anymore… "Will, do you think…. I mean, could I…" Will suddenly recognised the change in Finn's face. He had seen this look too many times before. It was the same look he had seen in Susie, and Rachel, and numerous others. Panic flooded his brain. This was his student; his very young, very male student… "Will?" Finn's voice sounded distant.
Oh Shit! Shit…fuck… Everything sort of rushed around Will's head. This was Finn, his student. The student he had always admired for his ability to juggle glee and football and everything else while always keeping calm and level-headed. Finn, who he had spent the last few hours laughing and talking with, sharing things he had never shared with anyone before, not even the woman he was still married to! Finn…who reminded Will so much of himself, and admittedly, of Matt, his first and only boyfriend. Will closed his eyes, trying to get his head together. He had to sort his thoughts…he couldn't let this go any further….
He tried to take a deep breath, but the air never quite reached his lungs. Finn had closed the small gap between them and his lips were now against Will's, moving slowly but deliberately. It felt… familiar. Comfortable. Suddenly nothing else mattered to Will. Part of his brain knew that this was totally wrong, but another part – the part that was currently winning the internal war – had only one thought.
Finn.