Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or Big Time Rush
A/N: This is inspired pretty heavily by a show called Hollyoaks. I was watching clips of it the other day and just couldn't stop thinking of these two. Anyway, I used some dialogue from the show, just so you all know.
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Kendall was drunk. Logan was a little bit too. That's what happened when you went on tour.. Concerts led to after parties and after parties led to drinking. That was just the way it went when you were famous. Of course, tonight was different than all the other nights they'd spent at after parties, because tonight Kendall could barely even look at Logan.
Logan threw back his drink, a mixture of something sweet and sour, he tried to remember what the girl who'd given it to him had called it but couldn't land on the name. His mind jumped back to the night before, when he'd let it slip that he had a crush on Kendall, that he thought he loved him. It was something that had been building for a while now, something that he couldn't keep to himself any longer. Plus, that night's drinks had made his tongue loose with liquid courage. It had been a deadly combination.
It wasn't like Kendall had reacted particularly badly. He'd just looked at Logan with something in his eyes that Logan read as disgust, and walked away. Kendall hadn't said a single word to him since.
Carlos stumbled over to Logan and collapsed onto the couch next to him. "Logan," Carlos slurred, "what's twenty eight times seven?"
Logan rolled his eyes and huffed out "One hundred ninety six."
Carlos let out a loud laugh, clutching his stomach and toppling over on the couch. "How do you do that, man?" He finally asked when his laughter subsided. "No one else I know can get wasted and multiply like that."
Logan just shrugged, bored of this routine since he'd come to expect it from either Carlos or James at every after party.
"You belong in a museum." Carlos nodded enthusiastically.
Logan raised an eyebrow, Carlos had never taken it that far before.
"Hey!" Carlos called across the room. "Kendall! Doesn't Logan belong in a museum."
Something tensed in Logan's gut and he cursed Carlos for calling to Kendall. He didn't even wait for Kendall's answer. "I'm gonna get some air," he muttered. Then he got up from the couch and walked from the room. He couldn't deal with this right now.
After some initial confusion, he found himself outside the concert hall. He'd stumbled out a side door into some back alley. Dumpsters were scattered along the backstreet, giving off a slightly pungent smell, but that didn't matter to Logan. He was just glad that it was quiet, that no one else was there.
He leaned against the side of the building trying to clear his head and closed his eyes, rubbing his temples gingerly, easing away the tension headache that had built behind them.
He hadn't been out there for long when he heard the side door creak open. He sighed, sure that one Gustavo's minions had come to find him and drag him back inside. He could hear Gustavo's voice in his brain saying that part of being famous was keeping up an image and that image meant having fun, not sulking alone in back alleys.
He spoke without even opening his eyes. "I know, I know, I'm going back in. Just give me a minute."
"I'm not trying to get you to come back. I just wanted to talk."
Logan's eyes flew open and he turned his head, shocked to see Kendall standing there, one hand shoved in a pocket, the other grasping the neck of a bottle of wine.
"I thought you were one of Gustavo's helpers." Logan managed lamely.
Kendall smiled, "Nope, I think they've turned in for the night. Now that most of the big names have left they don't need to make sure we're 'projecting the Rocque image'."Kendall made air quotes with his free hand.
Logan nodded but didn't speak. He wasn't sure he could.
Kendall took a sip from his wine bottle and looked down at the ground. "So, how are you?"
Logan shook his head, finding it hard to believe they'd come to this. Friends for years and they were back to small talk. "Fine."
"Yeah?"
Logan rolled his eyes, "Never better."
Kendall nodded, and stepped out into the alley a little more. He dug the toe of his shoe into the asphalt, nervous about something. "Look, you know what you told me yesterday?"
"Kendall, I—," he tried to cut in, but Kendall just went on.
"No, no, no. Look, it's okay. It's alright." Kendall finally raised his gaze to meet Logan's. "I've been thinking about it and," he took a deep breath and shook his head, like he was confused about what he was saying, "maybe it's not your fault."
Logan crinkled his brow, "What?"
"I don't know. Did I mislead you?"
"Mislead me how?"
"Well, I don't know, did I give you the wrong signals or something?
"What do you mean the wrong signals?" Logan wasn't sure why Kendall even cared.
"Did I mess with your head?" Kendall frowned at his friend, his face painted with genuine concern.
Logan guffawed, "No, you didn't mess with my head, but you sure as hell are messing with my head now."
Kendall dropped his gaze to the ground again. "Okay, sorry."
Logan nodded and looked down the alley.
Kendall took another pull from his bottle, then spoke again."We're okay, right?"
The tension in Logan's shoulders released slightly. It was good to know that Kendall actually wanted them to be okay, that he wasn't too freaked out. He nodded and met Kendall's eyes again. "I hope so."
Kendall smiled and offered the bottle to Logan. Logan grinned back, glad they were back on normal terms, and took it. He drank deeply before handing it back to Kendall.
They hung out in the alley for a while. Drinking and talking about how the night had gone. Kendall told him how one of the girls he'd signed an autograph for had slipped him her thong. Logan shared that he'd met a thirty year old woman at the meet and greet, that'd she'd cried and begged him for a hug. It was nice, normal. It was them.
After an hour they'd emptied the wine bottle, both their lips stained purple. Kendall was balancing on a discarded plank of wood when he stumbled, and though his balance was just as off, Logan managed to catch him.
Kendall grinned and slipped an arm around his shoulders. "'It's been a great night."
Logan laughed at the way he stretched out his vowels, his tongue heavy with alcohol. "You're drunk."
Kendall grinned. "No, no, no. Hey, you know what else?" Logan didn't respond so Kendall ribbed him gently. "You know what else?"
Logan bit."What, Kendall? What?"
"I don't care if your gay." Kendall smiled drunkenly at him and squeezed his shoulder.
"What?" Logan frowned.
Kendall spun away from Logan and shouted, "If your gay, I don't care!"
Logan closed his eyes and shook his had, "Keep your voice down."
"Hey," Kendall strode back to him, his steps shaky. "I'm not ashamed to say it."
The wine running through his veins made Logan's head feel heavy, and he wasn't ready to have this conversation right now. "Look, we'll talk about it tomorrow."
"Alright," Kendall agreed, "as long as you know that I'm fine with it. I'm cool with the gays."
"That's nice to know," Logan finally muttered, rolling his eyes as the words left his lips.
"'Cause I don't want to lose you." Kendall grabbed Logan by the shoulders and locked his eyes on Logan's. "You're like the best friend I've ever had."
Logan stared back at his friend. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Good," Kendall grinned, "I'd rather have a gay Logan than no Logan."
Something inside Logan snapped. "I'm not gay." He tried to shrug out of Kendall's hands, but his grasp was too strong. "I like girls, okay."
Kendall shook his head. "That's what you want is it? It's not fair. Not fair to them."
Logan frowned, even though he hated to admit it, Kendall was right. "Yeah." He finally shrugged away, but Kendall fumbled after him, grabbing the back of his shirt and pulling him back.
He pulled Logan close. "Hey, hey," he swallowed hard, "you remember this. Remember this, alright?" His gaze hardened. "I love you. I love you."
Logan nodded, desperately wanting an exit, but Kendall pulled him closer to his chest.
"I love you," Kendall muttered again. Then, he lifted Logan's chin with one finger, and kissed him gently.
Logan's lips stayed still, shocked by what was happening.
Kendall pulled away just as quickly as he had come, and he stumbled backwards, releasing Logan. "Yeah," Kendall laughed awkwardly. "You're my best friend."
Logan nodded, but inside he felt cold. This wasn't right.
Kendall stumbled back to the side door. "I'll see you later man," he muttered, and went back inside. Logan closed his eyes. This had all just gotten a little more complicated.
* * *
Logan jolted from his dream, the sound of his alarm clock buzzing from the nightstand. He groaned and slapped the snooze button. For a moment he thought about trying to go back to sleep, but he knew it would be futile. His head was reeling with the fact that he had dreamed about Kendall again, the night when they had kissed. That had been a little over two months ago. A lot had changed since then.
He rolled over and wrapped his arm around the warm body next to him, snuggling closer.
"Mmm, good morning Logan."
Logan smiled, "Good morning, Jordan"
Jordan kissed Logan lightly on the head, "You going back to sleep?"
Logan shrugged.
"Well at least lay here with me."
"I will."
Jordan pulled Logan's arm tighter around his waist and closed his eyes, falling back asleep within minutes.
Logan lay awake, turning over the last two months in his head. After that night, when they kissed, everything kind of went back to normal between Kendall and him. The finished the rest of the tour up, their final show had been in L.A. and it had felt like the whole town was there. That night Gustavo informed them that they had 'arrived', whatever that meant, and that he was rewarding them by giving them each a month off.
Carlos, James, and Logan decided that they wanted to stay the city and fly their parents out to see them. Kendall and his mother and sister decided to take the break as an actual vacation and had split the last month between Kendall's grandparent's house in Texas and the Florida Keys.
The break had been a life changing one. The day after Kendall left for Texas a new boy moved into the Palmwoods, that was when Jordan walked into his life. It was weird how quickly things went from there. It was just like Jordan knew there was something different about him, and one day when they were hanging out he just kissed Logan. It was like a light going off in Logan's head, and he finally knew why everyone made such a big fuss about dating.
He ended up having to spill the beans about Jordan to Carlos and James after a couple of weeks. They had been okay with it, saying that it didn't matter to them who he dated. He held off on telling his parents though, if only because they really weren't the kind of family that had that kind of conversation.
Time with Jordan had been wonderful, but there was still something in the back of his head that he couldn't shake, a voice that reminded him of Kendall, how what he felt for Jordan wasn't anything like what he felt for his best friend.
That was one of the reasons Logan hated the fact that he was having dreams about that night, when Kendall was drunk and kissed him. He should be happy with Jordan. Jordan liked him. Hell, Jordan liked boys. That was more than Logan could say for Kendall.
Of course, he knew why he was dreaming about Kendall. He and his family were due to come back to the Palmwoods tonight. No matter how much he wanted to deny it, Logan was excited to see him. Even though he'd had Jordan these four weeks, he'd still missed Kendall. Still, another part of him was dreading their reunion. Seeing Kendall again would mean having to explain about Jordan, and while he hadn't had a problem doing that with Carlos and James, something told him it would be harder telling Kendall.
Logan spent the next hour laying in bed with Jordan. Sometimes he would watch his boyfriend sleep, wondering how he'd managed to luck in to finding him. Jordan made him happy, and yet the majority of his hour was spent thinking about Kendall and what it would be like when he returned. When his guilt got the better of him Logan shook Jordan awake.
"Jordan," he called softly, kissing each of his eyelids. "Time to wake up."
Jordan smiled and blinked open his eyes. "What time is it?" He yawned.
Logan turned over to glance at the clock. "Almost ten. You have to go to work." Jordan had been cast in a teen drama. It was something about a boarding school and a basketball team. Logan still wasn't too clear on all the details.
He moaned a little sound in objection. "Stupid filming." Jordan stretched, arching his back and pushing his shoulders into the bed.
Eventually he managed to get up and get dressed. He kissed Logan goodbye and promised that he'd stop by later that night. After all, he wanted to meet the famous Kendall that he'd heard to much about.
Logan just laughed and waved him out the door, trying not to think about all the ways Jordan and Kendall meeting could go wrong.
* * *
"Guess who?" Kendall barged through the door to the apartment, dropping his suitcase on the floor. Katie and Mrs. Knight followed each dragging duffel bags of their own.
Carlos and James jumped up from the couch and hugged Kendall, welcoming him back. Logan joined them, hanging back until Carlos and James were done tackling him.
Kendall smiled warmly at Logan and Logan stepped forward and hugged his best friend, hoping it wouldn't be the last time.
After Kendall had unpacked he sat down to watch some T.V. with his friends. Logan checked his phone and stared at the time. It was nearly seven. That meant Jordan had finished filming almost an hour ago.
As if on cue there was a knock at the door. Logan jumped up from his seat immediately.
"Whoa," Kendall called to Logan's back as he walked to the door, "Spazz much?"
Logan ignored him and pulled the door open. Just as he expected there was Jordan. His hair was damp from the shower he probably took after they finished shooting. Logan motioned for him to come in.
"What up, Jordan?" James called from the couch.
Carlos shot up a hand in the air, waving.
Kendall tore his eyes away from the screen to look over at Logan and Jordan. "Jordan?"
Logan took a deep breath. "Yeah, Jordan moved here the day you left for your grandparents. He's staring in some show on FW."
Kendall nodded and smiled at Jordan. "Cool. Any chance you play hockey, man?"
Jordan laughed, "Nah, I can barely even skate. Not a lot of chances when you live in Arizona."
"Hey, I bet we could teach you. Didn't Logan tell you about how I had to teach him how to skate?" He shifted his gaze to Logan, "The kid could barely even stand before I got a hold of him, and look at him now."
Jordan turned to look at Logan. "Aww, is that true." He wrapped his arms around Logan's waist and kissed his cheek. Logan practically felt the room get smaller when Kendall gasped, his eyes bulging. Logan felt his face go red. The grin that Kendall had been sporting earlier disappeared, and he snapped his head forward. Logan could tell that his jaw was clenched.
"Yeah," he finally answered to Jordan, "I used to be really bad." His voice was soft, defeated. Jordan's brows knitted together and he squeezed Logan, as if asking what was wrong. Logan pulled out of his arms and shook his head, telling himself that it didn't matter what Kendall thought anyway. He laced their fingers together.
"Come on, we're watching Extra." He pulled Jordan over to the couch and sat down, trying to ignore the fact that he could feel Kendall's glare burning down on him.
* * *
Jordan left a couple of hours later. He'd usually stayed and slept with Logan in his bed, but since Kendall and Logan shared a room Logan wasn't sure it was a good idea.
"I'll make it up to you okay?"
Jordan nodded, he couldn't stay mad at Logan. "Alright."
They said goodnight and Logan went to his and Kendall's room. To his surprise Kendall was waiting up for him.
"Hey." Logan muttered awkwardly, running a hand nervously through his hair.
"What, Jordan's not staying over tonight?" There was a venom in Kendall's voice. It made Logan's heart ache.
"No."
"What is this Logan? What's going on?"
Logan shook his head. "I'm seeing Jordan." Even though he wasn't ashamed he still couldn't meet Kendall's eyes.
Kendall shook his head. "What does that even mean?"
Logan looked up, "I'm keeping it vague on purpose. I know you'll just say something mean about him."
Kendall scoffed. "Why would I do that?"
"You tell me."
Kendall frowned, "Well maybe because he's arrogant and," he stumbled over his words, "he's got an ego."
Logan crossed his arms. "That's not true."
"Everyone thinks it."
"Don't lie Kendall. I know Carlos and James like him."
"Whatever."
"Why are you being like this? I thought you were, what was it, 'cool with the gays'."
"I am." He looked down at his shoes again. "I just don't like him."
Logan let out a sign of exasperation. "You know Kendall if I didn't know better I'd say you were just jealous."
Kendall didn't say anything, he just looked up at Logan, his eyes sad.
Logan shook his head in disbelief. "Tell me your not."
Kendall opened his mouth to speak several times, before he said softly, "You used to like me." He still wouldn't look at Logan. "When'd you stop?"
"What?" Logan whispered.
"When did you get over me?" Kendall looked at him this time, and Logan noticed that tears had sprung up in the corners of his eyes.
Logan didn't know what to say.
Kendall stepped towards him. "How," he stopped for a minute, thinking, then went on, "can you make yourself stop loving someone?"
Logan shook his head, wishing he could explain.
"You said you loved me." Kendall whispered.
"I did." Logan said.
Kendall's face fell.
"I do." Logan admitted.
Kendall looked up, a spark of hope in his sad eyes. "Do or did?"
Logan raised his arms in anguish. "Why are you doing this Kendall? Are you making fun of me? Are you teasing me? What?"
Kendall just shook his head and edged closer to Logan. He ran a hand through his hair. "Have you and Jordan....?"
Logan took a deep breath. "Yes."
Kendall nodded. Then, "Do you love him?"
Logan stared at his best friend and bit his bottom lip. "Not as much as I love you."
Kendall lifted his hands and ran them up Logan's chest.
"Kendall," Logan choked out.
Kendall shook his head and cupped Logan's cheek. "I can't stop thinking about you." His voice broke, and he added, even softer, "I want you."
Kendall leaned forward and kissed Logan tentatively, weaving his fingers into the hairs at the nape of Logan's neck.
Logan wanted to resist. He knew it was wrong, that Jordan had been there for him, but he couldn't help it. He loved Kendall.
Kendall's tongue skirted the seam of his mouth and Logan opened up for him, and it was like nothing he'd ever experienced. Before he could process what was happening, they were falling onto the bed, Kendall on top of him, and Logan didn't want to stop, didn't want to ask Kendall if he really wanted this, but he knew he had to. He pulled his mouth away from Kendall's who moaned in protest.
"Are you sure?" Logan managed, trying not to focus on the way Kendall's fingers were stroking up his back, or how Kendall's pupils were blown wide with arousal.
Kendall just nodded and sealed their lips together again.
* * *
The next day when Logan told Jordan he felt like he was kicking a puppy. The light in Jordan's eyes kind of dimmed, and he just shook his head.
"I should have seen this coming you know?"
Logan frowned. "What?"
"The way you talked about him." He smiled sadly. "I could tell you loved him."
Logan placed his hand over Jordan's comfortingly. "I'm sorry you know. I didn't want it to be like this."
Jordan nodded. "I know." He swallowed hard and looked away from Logan. "Some things are just meant to be."