So, I am not a Twilight fan, and I will fight to the death anyone who implies that I am. However, to paraphrase one of my all-time favorite web-writers, Cleolinda Jones, Twilight is like a Twinkie. Bad for you, not very good, poorly manufactured--but when you want pure sugar, YOU WANT IT. IT'S ADDICTIVE.
Anyway, yes. This is not my best, and I will write more if people ask. Do this in the reviews, please! Yay!
PHOENIX:
BELLA: The hour of my departure is nigh. My heart flutters with pain and grief. I gaze wistfully across the landscape that I hold so dear.
RENEE: Oh honey, I'll miss y—
BELLA: I am wearing my prettiest tank top, with eyelet lace and sequins and cross-stitching and no itchy tags. It makes me feel less sad about martyr-ly ditching my mom to have her life with Phil, the plot point of all trophy husbands…
RENEE: Um, sweetie, just call if you need anyth—
BELLA: And even though the pain is too hard to bear, I shall hold it inside on my sweet darling mother's behalf! Alas, the tears, they fight to escape the prison of my tear ducts!
RENEE: Your plane is boarding—
BELLA: AND I AM JUST SO SAD BECAUSE MY FATHER IS SO DISTANT AND I SHALL BE SO LONESOME AND WOE IS ME, MY FATE IS SEALED!
STEWARDESS: Is she always like this?
RENEE: Pretty much.
ON THE PLANE:
STEWARDESS: Would you like some peanu—
BELLA: WHAT AM I TO DO I AM SO SACRIFICING FOR THE MOTHER THAT I LOVE WITH THE WHITE-HOT HEAT OF A THOUSAND SUNS AND NOW SHE WILL BE HAPPY WITHOUT HER ONLY CHILD
STEWARDESS: *is driven to drink*
FORKS, WASHINGTON
CHARLIE: I am stereotypically awkward!
BELLA: I find your awkwardness stereotypically irritating, yet somehow quaint!
CHARLIE: I am a single male, and therefore I have been unable to function by myself for the last decade and a half. Feed me by hand?
BELLA: Delighted.
CHARLIE'S HOUSE:
CHARLIE: To apologize for being abandoned by your mother, I have bought you a unique and charmingly decrepit truck.
BELLA: Yay! Now I can give that money I was saving for a car to the puppy orphanage! Oh, Charlie, it's what I've always wanted: a century-old, peace-disruptingly loud rust lump that gets thirteen miles to the gallon. For a distant father, you sure are savvy about the ways of teenage girls.
CHARLIE: My friend Billy Black rebuilt it. His son JACOB helped. Remember JACOB? The boy who played doctor with you when you were six? He's all grown up into a young buck of a future plot point.
BELLA: Oh yes, how droll.
STEPHENIE MEYER: Hmmm…
CHARLIE'S HOUSE LATER:
CHARLIE: All right, Bella, you can stop licking the carpet clean. It's time for school!
BELLA: Oh, my. I do hope that everyone will behave properly and ignore me. I hate it when others acknowledge my existence. It makes me feel so bothersome.
STEREOTYPICAL SMALL HIGH SCHOOL:
BELLA: This loud and incredibly old truck will help me blend into the scenery.
STUDENTS: *STARE*
STUDENT #1: OMG CHIEF SWAN HAS A DAUGHTER HOW INSANE
STUDENT #2: SHE IS TOTALLY MYSTERIOUS AND AMAZING
STUDENT #3: WHAT IS THERE TO DO IN OUR SMALL TOWN LIVES BUT STARE AT HER
STUDENTS: *more STARE*
BELLA: *resentful whimper*
ERIC: Hi. Would you mind having my babies?
BELLA: How dare you make an effort to be friendly? I shun you!
BELLA: *flomps off*
ERIC: *cries*
GYM:
Clumsy!BELLA: I slip! I fall! Oh noes!
STUDENTS: So basically, you are so uncoordinated that you'll slip and crack your head open while sitting down.
Clumsy!BELLA: Yuh-huh. I'm not good at the whole 'balance' thing.
STEPHENIE MEYER: It's endearing, right? And it makes her relatable, right? And now Bella is the favoritest person of anyone ever, right?
READERS: Actually, it's just annoying.
STEPHENIE MEYER: No no no! She's adorable! ADORABLE, GOD DAMN IT!
READERS: Okay, infuriating as MarySue!Clumsy!Bella is, she is nowhere near as crazy-ass as you are, lady.
STEPHENIE MEYER: *strangled gurgle*
SCHOOL:
RANDOM GIRL: Hey! I know everyone is staring and making you uncomfortable, so I'll break the ice and invite you to sit with me and my friends!
BELLA: If it pleases me, I shall make an effort to remember your name in the future.
Lunch: *is eaten*
BELLA: People want to talk to me. Might as well gouge my eye out with a spork.
MIKE: YOU…PRETTY.
BELLA: *prepares to start a-gougin'*
PRETTY PEOPLE: *are PRETTY*
BELLA: *stare*
PRETTY PEOPLE: *are not eating*
BELLA: *drool*
PRETTY PEOPLE: *are stoic and intensely unfriendly-looking*
BELLA: OMG WANT THEM.
RANDOM GIRL: Are you looking at the Cullens?
BELLA: IrememberyournameJessicaloveyousomuchtellmeboutthem.
JESSICA: Their names are Rosalie and Jasper and Emmett and Alice and Edward. They're the adopted kids of Carlisle and Esme Cullen. I don't know why, but they're sooper creepy. Of course, that doesn't make them any less—
BELLA: PRETTY MAGICAL BEAUTIFUL GLORIOUS ANGELIC SCINTILLATING GORGEOUS DIVINE?
JESSICA: I was gonna say 'hot'.
BELLA: They're too pretty to be sexual in any way. Shame.
EDWARD: *SUPER ROBOT EVIL GLARE HYPER FORCE GO*
BELLA: *withers*
MIKE: Bella, wanna go to class? Wanna? I'll take you, cuz I wants to be with you, Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella…
BELLA: You disgust me. Not like Mr. SHINY BRONZE-HAIRED ONYX-EYED ANGEL OF DEATH GLARES over there.
BIOLOGY:
BELLA: I can has seat next to Edward? Yay me.
EDWARD: *clenches muscles*
BELLA: Ooooooh.
EDWARD: *tenses body*
BELLA: Aaaaaah.
EDWARD: *ANGRY ANGRY FACE*
BELLA: *swoon*
OFFICE:
MIKE: Can I have your sock? To sniff? Please?
BELLA: Gonna hide. Office. Now.
EDWARD: So, I was wondering if I could do anything on earth to get out of sixth-period Bio…
Comically Overweight Office Lady: You could let me give you some lovin' detention, you bad little boy…oh, lookie there, I dropped my sparkle pen, wanna pick it up for me?
EDWARD: If I must OMG BELLA HERE GOTS TO GO BYE.
BELLA: *bleats*
CHARLIE'S HOUSE:
BELLA: Sorry, Charlie, can't spackle the driveway today, gotta focus on obsessing over Edward.
CHARLIE: *watches game*
SCHOOL:
STUDENTS: Bella, you are our friend and we love you so.
BELLA: I use you as my cover while I focus on obsessing over Edward.
MIKE: He may be pretty, but I'm masculine. And manly. And…not pretty.
BELLA: In reality, I don't care about any of you and anything you say is infinitely less interesting than my Angel of Scary Looks.
STUDENTS: *Bella-worship*
EDWARD: *is not there*
BELLA: *dies inside*
CHARLIE'S HOUSE:
BELLA: Charlie, I'm going to go buy food so I can fix you an exquisite four-course meal while focusing on obsessing over Edward, 'kay?
CHARLIE: *watches game*
FOOD STORE:
BELLA: *sees shiny Volvo* Good god, the Pretty People have a Volvo? THEY'RE EVEN MORE AWESOMELY AWESOME THAN BEFORE!
READERS: Huh?
STEPHENIE MEYER: *grumblegrumbleNEVERGOTACARINHIGHSCHOOLDAMMITSTUPIDPARENTS STUPIDLIFEgrumble*
BELLA: *checks her email*
RENEE: Dear Bella, I'm writing this to you while I prepare to start hunting for the ravaged remains of your body, since you haven't answered me in the last few minutes and are probably dead in some sex fiend's basement…
BELLA: Even I'm freaked out, Mom, GOD.
CHARLIE: The Cullens are awesome! Dr. Cullen is beyootiful! DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM!
BELLA: Yeeha.
DAYS GO BY:
EDWARD: *is still not there*
READERS: *couldn't care less*
BELLA: *weeps*
DAY OF SPECIALNESS:
BELLA's Friends: Snow! Yay! Come frolic with us, Bella!
BELLA: Enjoying things is FOR THE WEAK.
EDWARD: *is there*
BELLA: *becomes a unicorn of joy*
BIOLOGY:
EDWARD: Hello. How are you, BELLA?
BELLA: *gasp* He knows my TRUE NAME.
EDWARD: Pleasant conversing with you, really it is. Notice that I'm NOT doing everything I can to keep from running away from you like a bat out of freakin' hell, because why would I do that? T'would be silly, t'would it not?
BELLA: *drool*
EDWARD's Eyes: *change color*
BELLA: OMG. Your eyes used to be searing and intense black marble, yet now they are a lovely and scintillating shade of topaz-like butterscotch.
EDWARD: Baby, das how ah roll.
BELLA: *burbles*
EDWARD: So…why's a doll like you out here in this big lonely wilderness?
BELLA: My mommy got a new husband who's twenty years younger and he plays baseball and I was making her miserable by being in her life so I flew out to the place I hate most in the world and life was hell until I saw you so can I make your babies?
EDWARD: God, you're strange. I must stalk you a little more until I understand where the crazy comes from.
BELLA: You must do what until the what now?
EDWARD: I. Am. Pretty.
BELLA: *swoons*
CHARLIE'S HOUSE:
BELLA: I'm gonna drive up to Seattle at some point. S'cool?
CHARLIE: *watches game*
BELLA: A'ight, s'cool.
LATER:
BELLA: Why do boys like me here? Could it be that my ebony hair and chocolate eyes and snow-white skin and petite figure and incredibly engaging nature are somehow more than achingly ordinary here?
READERS: If we strangle you now, will the book get a little funner?
SCHOOL:
BELLA: *twirls* Edward, Edward, Edward, whoa-oh, Edward…
CAR: I CAN HAS FLYING POWERS!
BELLA: The end is nigh!
STUDENTS: Woe!
EDWARD: Not today, bitches. *KO's car like a crazy man*
BELLA: But…you were just over there! I saw you! How did you get over here?
EDWARD: Yeah, don't say thanks for saving your life or anything.
BELLA: You saved my what in the what now?
EDWARD: *rolls eyes*
HOSPITAL:
BELLA: Being injured is beneath me. As are neck braces.
MIKE: *digs Bella's discarded neck brace out of the trash* Oh, ecstasy.
CARLISLE: *swooshes in* Let me have a look at you, Miss Swan.
BELLA: O. M. G. PLEASE RAVISH ME NOW WHILE I'M STILL POSSIBLY CONCUSSED.
EDWARD: Hey, Dad.
CARLISLE: Hey, son.
BELLA: You two are both so pretty…and you have the last name Cullen…and you know each other…you must be related!
CARLISLE: You always go for the dim ones, don't ya, Ed?
EDWARD: Well, pardon f-cking me for not letting her get squished.
BELLA: Hey, Edward, how exactly did you save me? You never actually explained that…
EDWARD: You hit your head. It was a dream. The shrooms hadn't worn off yet.
BELLA: Don't screwwith me, you glorious angel-faced liquid-eyed bastard.
EDWARD: Your posse is here.
BELLA: Forget them, I wanna find out about YOU.
EDWARD: Argh. Fine. I'll explain. Just stop sniffing me when you think I'm not looking, ok?
BELLA: I DO NOT. *sniff*
EDWARD: HEY!
CHARLIE'S HOUSE:
CHARLIE: Bella, honey, are you okay?
BELLA: LEAVE ME ALONE IT'S JUST A CONCUSSION AND SOME BROKEN RIBS AND EVERYTHING WHY ARE YOU SO CLINGY?
CHARLIE: I called your mom.
BELLA: You. Suck.
CHARLIE: *whimpers*
BELLA: *stomps away*
CHARLIE: *watches game*
READERS: Help?
NIGHTTIME:
BELLA: I have Edward!Dreams! Yay!
DREAMS: We rock your world, baby.
Sleeping!BELLA: EdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdward EdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdward…
READERS: I can make it through this book, I can make it through this book…
Sleeping!BELLA: EDWARD.
READERS: *lie down and peacefully give up the fight for actual plot*
TIME: *passes*
BELLA: So…nobody saw Edward save me from certain death?
STUDENTS: Strangely no, we were too busy shielding our eyes from the INEVITABLE CARNAGE.
BELLA: I hate you all so very, very much. Except for you, Edward…
EDWARD: *ignores her*
BELLA: Edward? Eeeeeeeedward?
EDWARD: *is absorbed in a book*
BELLA: *weakly*…Edward?
EDWARD: *talks to people other than Bella*
BELLA: OH GOD HE HATES ME AND WISHES I WERE DEAD HOW CAN LIFE GET WORSE THAN THIS JUST KILL ME NOW!
READERS: *perk up* Hmm? Pardon?
BELLA: No! Wait! I must confront him! I will not give up in my quest for the truest of true loves!
READERS: Damn, damn, DAMN!
SCHOOL:
JESSICA: Hey Bellaboo, can I ask MIKE to the dance?
BELLA: *eye-twitch* Yes, indeed you may.
JESSICA: Yay! *huggles*
MIKE: Bella? If you're not going to the dance with anyone else…
BELLA: Mike, it's kinda hard to hear what you're saying when you're humping my leg like that.
MIKE: Oh, sorry…anyway, will you go to the dance with me?
BELLA: Um…well, Mike, this is hard to say, and I hope we can always remain friends, but I have a…a…A RARE STOMACH PARASITE THAT IS TRANSFERRED BY DANCING AND/OR LEG HUMPING. PLUS I AM GOING FAR FAR AWAY THIS WEEKEND. GO ASK JESSICA INSTEAD.
MIKE: Ooh, Bella, give me your parasite, baby…
BELLA: WHAT?
MIKE: NothinggottagoseeJessica.
BIOLOGY:
EDWARD: *acknowledges Bella's existence*
BELLA: OMG HE SEES ME HIDE *hides behind hair*
EDWARD: I'm no good for you. We both know you belong with Victor.
BELLA: …the f-ck?
EDWARD: Ok, fine, Bogart won't work. Look, Bella, you'll understand when you're older…
BELLA: You wish I was dead. THEN I WOULDN'T BE OLDER!
EDWARD: First of all, it's my turn to be confused with your random sitcom assumptions. Second of all, WHY DO YOU TALK IN CAPS ALL THE TIME?!
BELLA: *storms away*
EDWARD: Aaaaaaaand I get no answer.
SCHOOL:
ERIC: Bella, would you consider going to the dance with a humble young man like myself?
BELLA: I would rather eat my own spleen.
ERIC: *sigh*
PARKING LOT
BELLA: BLEEPing traffic and I'm BLEEPing blocked the BLEEP in, so I'm gonna be so BLEEPing pissed…
TYLER: Hi! Remember me, I'm the one who nearly maimed you with my car but you were too busy ogling Edward to notice! Go to the dance with me!
BELLA: BLEEPing BLEEP the BLEEP off, you BLEEPing BLEEP of a BLEEP!
TYLER: So that's a no for the dance, but a yes for prom! Yay!
BELLA: *froths at the mouth*
EDWARD: *giggles*
BELLA: *fails to be in any way unhappy with the Pretty One*
CHARLIE'S HOUSE:
JESSICA: *on the phone* Mike is taking me to the dance as obvious sloppy seconds! I am so happy!
BELLA: Hurrah for you. Get the rest of my man-harem off my back, will you?
JESSICA: Sure thing, soldier. *salutes*
BELLA: And now for three or four pages of Edward-wangst…
READERS: Oh. God. No.
STEPHANIE MEYER: TAKE THAT!
READERS: *froth at the mouth*
EVERYONE INVOLVED: *is unhappy*
STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a sadist*
LATER:
BELLA: *humming* Gonna see Edward…gonna see him today…whoa-oa, Edward…you're the sugar to my tea…you're the jelly to my toast…you're the—
EDWARD: I will talk to you if you stop right there with the metaphors. Also, as a supreme ethereal being, I cannot even ingest human foods like tea and toast.
BELLA: Meep?
EDWARD: So, let's go to Seattle together.
BELLA: But you said we should stay away from each other.
EDWARD: Do you want to spend time in a cramped car with me or not?
BELLA: I WOULD EAT MY SPLEEN AND MY PANCREAS FOR THE OPPURTUNITY.
EDWARD: Jolly well, then.
SCHOOL, LATER:
JESSICA: Edward is staring at you again OH NOES.
BELLA: Gonna ditch you guys for him. Later.
EDWARD: Your friends don't look happy.
BELLA: I hate them all.
EDWARD: Wow, you're sort of a bitch, aren't you?
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: What?
BELLA: So anyway, what's up?
EDWARD: F-ck it, I might as well be friends with you, since you'll just stalk me into oblivion otherwise.
READERS: *will see the irony of this in a few hundred pages*
BELLA: Yes…yes, I probably will.
EDWARD: But I'm a bad friend! A baaaaaaaad friend! No good for you!
BELLA: But…but you're PRETTY.
EDWARD: The girl, she speaks the truth. Anyway, I talk a lot. Like right now.
BELLA's Eyes: *glaze over as Edward babbles*
EDWARD: Bella? What are you thinking about?
BELLA: Hmmm? Oh, nothing, just your bone…
EDWARD: Excuse me?
BELLA:…white skin that is so beautiful and alluring. And your come…
EDWARD: Pardon?
BELLA:…pletely golden hair and eyes.
READERS: So we have to read this romantic drivel and we don't even get ANY smut? You evil, soul-crushing woman.
STEPHENIE MEYER: *cackle*
EDWARD: Boys are looking at you. Shall I eat them?
BELLA: No, probably not…wait, what?
EDWARD's Eyes: *sparkle sparkle*
BELLA: SHINY.
EDWARD: So, what do you think I am? I could be a superhero…or maybe a VILLAIN. But just for kicks, which Justice League character could I be?
BELLA: Batman. Either that or Wonder Woman, because the more I describe you in my mind, the gayer you seem to be.
EDWARD: Yes well I'm skipping class gotta go bye.
SCIENCE TEACHER: Today we are taking blood. Taking it, smelling it, studying it, tasting it, simply wallowing—or maybe even swimming, cavorting, drowning—in blood. Please ready your blood kits!
BELLA: Oh my, I seem to have the vapors! Alack! *swoons in a rather pathetic way*
MIKE: I'll take you to the nurse, Bella! *whispering* Oh please oh please oh please oh please…just play your cards right and she'll fall in love with you before she vomits…
SCIENCE TEACHER: I don't care who takes her, just get her out before her bile taints the BLOOD.
BELLA: *is limp*
MIKE: *is sadly lacking in heroic zeal*
EDWARD: OH MY GOD MY POOR BELLA! Release her, you varlot, or I shall be forced to thrash you!
MIKE: No! Gimme the Bella back!
EDWARD: Nerp. *slings Bella over his shoulder and runs like the wind*
MIKE: *is the most tortured character in the whole goddamn book*
READERS: Do we count?