Confessions

By: Hohlagh

Disclaimer: All characters you may recognize belong to J. K. Rowling, Warner Bros., and everyone else who helps make Harry Potter possible.

Summary: I should have kept my love for him secret. It would have been easier that way… for both of us. I can't help thinking about him though and I feel like he has to know. Before it's too late.

Warning: Slash.

I told him to meet me here and only now, moments before he arrives, do I feel nervous. I had planned out the conversation in my head; how it would start… and end. But the words are leaving me like sand going through my fingers. I had mastered too much courage to back out; it is time for the truth.

He comes into the empty classroom I had chosen earlier and he regards me with a curious expression. I can't imagine what he's thinking and I start to stall. I shift my feet and open my mouth; however, he cuts me off before I can talk. "Why here?" He asks.

I shrug and reply, "I think it's a nice place. No one will hear what we say. No one will ever know."

"Go on. Tell me the secret."

His gray eyes look deep into mine, searching, penetrating my soul. He knows – as well as I do – how hard to expose something of myself is. I have been hiding much too long though and I have to tell him before it's too late. For several moments I cannot speak and I clear my throat, trying once again to think of the words before I say them. I was never good at such a thing, especially around him.

"I think I'm in love." I say softly.

He laughs and his orbs light up like they do when he's pulling a prank (or about to). He closes the distance between us and claps a hand on my back a few times. His touch sends shivers down my spine and the feeling is as though a thousand lightning bolt pinpricks run through my blood stream. He moves away, but his presence still lingers in my mind.

"Who is it? Is it-"

"You."

"What?"

I repeat and leave it at that. He increases the space that keeps me from him and I can see his troubled gaze. He wasn't expecting this. I feel ashamed and uncomfortable; perhaps, I should have kept it secret. How stupid of me to think he would love me; after all, we are just friends. Nothing more. I don't even know if we can be that anymore. He could reject me and push me away, but I know – deep down – he would never do that. It is strange, considering his background; he is so different from the rest of his family.

"Love is a strong word." He finally says.

I nod; maybe I should have used like instead, but I know where my feelings are. All I can think about is him and how wonderful it would be if we were something more. Something deeper. I am looking down now, my vision is obscured with unshed tears, and I can't stand to see his face.

"Please… Don't cry. I, uh, I dunno what to say."

I chuckle uneasily. It's the first time he has ever faltered and been speechless. I'm not sure if this is a good thing. I am afraid of the answer, but I ask: "What do you think?"

"I dunno," He replies, "I need to think."

"I understand."

"Don't go beating yourself up over this. We can still be friends if… I'm not going to reject you!"

"I know, Sirius."

Ooo0ooO

It's been a weak and I have avoided him since that night. I don't mean to do it, but I can't stand to think about what he would say if we were alone together. I want to hear my words repeat out of his own mouth, but I am also realistic. I know Sirius Black – better than anyone else probably – and he is a woman wooer. He is always with a different girl every week and thus I think that he cannot give me what I desire: Unconditional love.

I discover it is hard to stay away from him. During meal times, he sends me a glance and tries to catch my eye, but I ignore it. I begin to think that he believes it was something he did that night; however, it is the opposite. I can't let him suppose that because it cuts me inside like a knife slicing through butter. My heart aches whenever I see him and how downtrodden he looks.

Finally, he has found me. It's easy to locate me if you know how to deduct the other obvious options. If I'm not in classes or in the Common Room, I am in the library finishing up homework. My friends never check the Great Hall – even when it's dinner – first; no, they always go straight to my secluded area.

"I've been looking for you." He says as he takes a seat opposite of me.

"I know."

"Why have you eluded me?"

I sigh and reply, "Because… I'm afraid."

He chuckles and I blush, which makes him laugh harder. It is an odd sound, like that of a canine barking. It's fitting because he is an illegal Animagus; a large dog, to be exact. He and the others have done this for me; to ease the pain and loneliness of my transformations. I have to admit that it helps, though I'm not particularly fond of it at the same time.

"What are you afraid of, Remus?" He questions me and I realize that his tone is serious (no pun intended, of course).

"I'm afraid of your reaction."

"You know… I would never reject you. I didn't do it when James and I found out you were a werewolf, did I? And I certainly won't do it now."

I nod, knowing this already.

"Now, about this whole matter of you liking me. I still dunno what to say to you, but I have thought about it." He pauses and continues, "I think I always knew… That you were gay, I mean. It's clear to me… all the little hints you gave without knowing that you gave them."

"Oh? Did I?"

"Yup. I've thought about it… and I'd like to try it."

I raise my brows at this. It definitely was not something I had been expecting; no, I was waiting for the line 'Let's just stay friends.' Sirius wasn't admitting that he was gay, which made me both curious and wary. He said he would try it and that answer wasn't the one I was looking for if he agreed. Was I to be his experiment as he crossed the boundaries to a same sex relationship? I would not allow that! I had been used once and I won't let it happen again!

"Try it?" My voice repeats his words; once again speaking without me telling it to.

"We can be, uh, together… If that's what you want, Remus."

I shake my head. "No."

"No?" Sirius asks, perplexed, "But last week you said you lov- liked me."

"We can't be together. Not when all you're willing to do is try. I need more than that, Sirius. I'm sorry."

It broke my heart to say these things to him, but I have to do it. I need to know how far he is willing to go with me and whether or not I'm another notch in his bedpost. He doesn't move though, not like I expected him to do. He doesn't speak either; he seems lost in his own thoughts, as if thinking about what to say next. I wish I could be with him. I wish those strong arms – from his Beater position on the Quidditch team – would wrap around me and protect me. I wish his lips, which I always imagined soft against my own, would kiss me.

I wish he would do something!

Finally, he says, "Remus, I dunno what to do. What do you want me to do?"

"Promise me something." I say quietly, "Promise me you'll always love me. That you'll never cheat on me or lie to me or hurt me. Promise me that you'll be there for me."

"Always… I promise."

He moves swiftly from his chair, around the table, and is suddenly standing next to me. He holds out his hand and he waits for me to take, which I do reluctantly. I still feel unsure about the whole situation, but as he hugs me, my problems seem to ebb away. And I know he was telling the truth. That he will love me. Always.