Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters. The title is from Shakespeare's Hamlet, and I don't own that either.

Warning: Rated M for language. (In other words, it's a Hidan fic.) Also, spoilers for the recent manga chapters.

Note: I haven't yet heard any definite spoilers for this week's chapter. With this story, I'm working on the assumption that Hidan is in fact trapped under those rocks for all eternity, as suggested by last week's chapter.

Perchance to Dream

"Jashinism will grow, and Jashin-sama will smite you…and I'll be the one to carry out his judgment!" Hidan screamed up at Shikamaru as the rocks tumbled down on top of him.

Shikamaru shook his head. He'd give Hidan points for persistence, anyway. Even through the boulders, he could hear that Hidan was still yelling. Didn't the guy get it? He was as good as dead. What could possibly make him so certain that he'd find a way out of this impossible situation and win?

The three main reasons for Hidan's optimism sat on the roof of a building, looking bored.

"Where the hell is he? He says he'll be back from his mission with Kakuzu-sama today, tells us to wait here for him, then doesn't show up! Inconsiderate bastard." The young man was perched on a railing that surrounded the roof of the building. One leg dangled over the railing, showing the man's disregard for the precipitous drop to the city streets below.

"You say that as if it's a surprise," another young man commented. He was leaning against the side of a water tower that sat in the exact center of the roof.

"Eh, Kakuzu-sama's probably just dragged him off on some stupid bounty-collecting mission again," remarked a woman who sat cross-legged between the two men.

"Oh dear sweet Jashin, that means we'll have to listen to him bitch and moan for hours when he gets back," complained the first young man who had spoken. He was by far the tallest and most muscular of the three companions.

"What, like you don't complain endlessly when we get assigned a mission you don't like?" retorted the second man. He was slimmer and shorter than his friend.

"Well, you have to admit it's a pain in the ass when Leader-sama tells us we can only assassinate a single target or that we can't make too much of a commotion on a particular mission! He says, 'Don't kill any more people than you absolutely have to,' as though any of those unbelievers have a right to live!" The taller of the two men glared at his companions, as though daring them to disagree with him.

"Oh, for Jashin's sake, Iwasaki-san," said the woman, rolling her eyes. "If we never left anyone alive, who'd bear witness to our power? Who would spread the tales of Jashin-sama's followers that strike fear into the hearts of all unbelievers?"

"Besides, we still have to be cautious for the time being, since we haven't been through the immortality ritual yet," the shorter man pointed out.

Iwasaki frowned. "I'm not entirely surprised by Shibuki-san's soft-heartedness, since she's a girl," he said snidely. "But I wouldn't have expected cowardice from you, Tabeki-san."

"What did you say?!" Tabeki roared.

"Did you call me soft-hearted?" shouted Shibuki. In the blink of an eye, Tabeki and Shibuki were holding Iwasaki over the railing, dangling him by his ankles above the vertigo-inducing drop.

"Remember what I said—we haven't gone through the immortality ritual yet," Tabeki sneered. "That means if we drop you from this height, you'll smash into little pieces when you hit the ground. With such an ignoble death, Jashin-sama will laugh at you before he consigns you to Hell."

"Hey—hey, you know I didn't really mean that stuff," Iwasaki stammered.

"Oh, really?" Shibuki glared, clearly not convinced.

"If you three are done fighting," said a gruff voice behind them, "we've just received a message that you all should hear."

Tabeki and Shibuki hauled their companion back over the railing and turned to face the newcomer. It was Kisame, looking grim.

"We've just received word that Kakuzu-san was killed fighting a group of Leaf-nin," Kisame told the three young shinobi. "Also…it appears that Hidan-san has been imprisoned and permanently incapacitated."

"WHAT?" The three stared at Kisame, all animosity forgotten.

Beneath the pile of rocks, Hidan continued to yell himself hoarse. Finally, when his throat got sore, he stopped. Stupid sonofabitch. One day, when Jashinism spreads across the world, I'm going to stand over your broken corpse and laugh. You're victorious now, but you're going to die one day, and I never will.

I'll never die.

I'll never die…

I'll never die and see the face of Jashin-sama.

I'll never hear the voice of the deity I've devoted my life to.

I'll never know if he's pleased with the work I've done or not.

I'm never going to meet my god.

With that thought, the bloodlust and rage that had allowed him to stay defiant even in the face of obvious defeat…simply disappeared.

The Leader of Akatsuki stood in front of the statue that now contained seven of the nine bijuu. He could feel that enormous power thrumming through the statue, contained and under control. Specifically, under his control. He smiled.

The door burst open, slamming against the stone wall of the chamber. The Leader formed a quick hand seal, and the statue vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Leader-sama, is it true? Did those Leaf bastards really defeat Hidan-sensei?"

The Leader turned to see three people barging into the room. He recognized them as being Hidan's students. Apparently, before joining the Akatsuki, Hidan had been a high-ranking cleric at a Jashin temple in the Rain Country. While there, his superiors had seen fit to place him in charge of three young acolytes. When Hidan was given the task of leaving the temple and "spreading the faith of Jashin across the face of the planet," his students had followed him. When Hidan joined the Akatsuki, they became part of the ranks of Akatsuki's many subordinates.

Hidan had once explained to him that there were three stages a follower of Jashin was expected to pass through. First, they simply professed adherence to the dictates of their faith, and were trained in the use of the sect's chosen weapon, the three-bladed scythe. Second, they were taught how to perform the sacrificial ritual. At this point, two physiological changes occurred: the acolyte acquired the ability to heal any damage incurred as a result of the ritual almost instantaneously, and his hair and eye color changed. Finally, an acolyte became a full member of the sect, and was granted what Hidan called "the greatest gift of all": complete and total immortality.

Tabeki, Shibuki, and Iwasaki were all second-stage acolytes. All three shared the same gleaming silver hair and cherry-blossom-pink eyes, and all three carried huge scythes strapped to their backs. But, as Tabeki had pointed out earlier, they did not yet share in their mentor's immortality.

"Is it true?" Iwasaki repeated.

The Leader nodded. "Yes. Hidan has been vanquished by Nara Shikamaru of the Hidden Leaf Village."

There was a brief pause, then the Akatsuki Leader winced as each of Hidan's subordinates began describing, in gruesome detail, exactly what they planned to do to the man who had harmed their sensei, to his family, to his friends, and to anyone who had ever so much as said "Hello" to him in the street.

"No," the Leader said quietly. It was a measure of his sheer presence that all three of the other shinobi immediately stopped shouting to look at him.

"What the hell do you mean, 'No'?" demanded Iwasaki. "If you think we're not going to avenge our sensei, you're even dumber than Tobi-sama!"

"Idiot!" Shibuki snapped, and punched Iwasaki in the head. "Don't insult the most powerful shinobi in the world, you dumbass! Are you trying to get all three of us killed?"

"What did you punch me for?" Iwasaki complained.

"Pain is holy. I was just trying to bring you closer to Jashin-sama."

"…Fuck you."

"As if I'd let you."

"Actually, I seem to remember you doing just that—ow! Stop hitting me!"

The Leader sighed. "I did not say that you would never be allowed to avenge Hidan. But now is not the time for an open war with the Leaf Village. Once we've collected all the bijuu and begun to engulf the smaller villages…the time will come when we have to fight the Leaf. Then, you may take all the vengeance you want."

"But that might not be for years," Tabeki protested. "He's still alive somewhere—we can't just leave him. If it weren't for him, we'd still be unbelievers, doomed to the fires of Hell."

"Hidan is the one who converted you to Jashinism?"

"Of course," Shibuki said. "That's why he was put in charge of us."

The Leader mused over that for a few minutes. Hidan wasn't the most pleasant person he'd ever met, but the three acolytes were quite possibly the most argumentative team on the planet. I'm not sure who I feel worse for—the students or the teacher.

"At the very least," Tabeki pointed out, "you'll need Kakuzu-sama's ring back, so that you can appoint a replacement. Also, Hidan-sensei is still conscious—the Leaf might try to torture him for information about the Akatsuki. If he breaks, it would compromise the organization's security."

The other two whirled to glare at him, and he knew what they were about to say. "Hidan-sensei would never break! A true follower of Jashin-sama does not fear pain!" He shook his head almost imperceptibly, hoping they would catch his meaning. We know that Hidan-sensei wouldn't break, but Leader-sama doesn't. It seemed that Iwasaki and Shibuki understood, because they remained silent.

"Very well. Here is your assignment: you will retrieve Kakuzu's ring. If possible, recover Hidan; if recovery is not possible, bring back his ring as well. Also, you may not kill any of the Leaf ninjas unless it is necessary to complete the mission. We cannot risk an open confrontation with the Leaf yet, except to capture the Kyuubi. Is that clear?"

Tabeki nodded. "Yes, Leader-sama." For a moment, Iwasaki looked like he was about to protest the "no killing" edict, but a glare from the other two silenced him.

As quickly as they had come, the three acolytes were gone.

"Anything unusual?" Two members of the Nara clan walked up to Shikamaru and Shikaku, who were standing guard at the borders of the ancestral grounds.

"Nothing," Shikamaru said.

"Right, in that case, we'll relieve you."

"Thank the gods," muttered Shikamaru. "Guard duty is so troublesome."

"My wife and her brother will come to relieve you in the morning," Shikaku said. "Come on Shikamaru, let's go get some dinner."

"I can't believe we're hiding here in the shadows, like a bunch of pathetic genin," grumbled Iwasaki.

"We are obeying Leader-sama's orders. Besides, we have a mission to complete: retrieve Kakuzu-sama's ring and save Hidan-sensei. Killing some random Leaf ninja, while it might be fun, won't serve that purpose. Just using the genjutsu to incapacitate them is stretching our orders enough." Shibuki restrained the urge to punch her comrade. "Now shut up before they hear us."

"When will we move in?" Tabeki asked.

"Just after dark."

"So the next thing I know, I'm practically knocked over by these three kids, running as fast as they can. And Iruka-san's right behind them, red in the face and yelling at the top of his lungs." The elder of the two Nara men guarding the anscestral grounds chuckled. "I don't know how he manages to look after all those students."

"Especially with the bunch he's got this year," the younger man commented. "Three Inuzukas in one class…"

"Hey, do you hear something?"

The younger man stopped talking and cocked his head to one side. "Sounds like an animal moving through the bushes. Probably a stray deer. So anyway, Anko-san told me this joke the other day, and it's really funny. Want to hear it?"

"Okay…" The older man still looked tense, and his eyes were narrowed.

"So, a Hyuuga and a Yamanaka walk into a bar…"

The older man scanned the surrounding area. Something was wrong, but he couldn't quite figure out what. Why do I feel like we're being watched?

"…and then the bartender says…"

"Whoever you are, come out!" The older man's shout distracted the younger man, and he stopped in the middle of his joke's punchline. Seeing that his companion had drawn three kunai, he reached into his own weapon holster and pulled out a handful of shuriken.

"We know you're there!" the older man declared. "Show yourselves."

"Very well," replied an unseen voice that dripped with malice. A form detached itself from the darkness of the forest, and the two Nara men took up battle-ready stances. "I'm afraid you're already defeated. Secret Genjutsu: Vision of Hell!"

Both men dropped to their knees as terrible images assaulted their minds. All around them, they saw carnage: blood soaked the ground, houses burned with flames that would not go out, and bodies were strewn everywhere. Flocks of carrion birds wheeled across the sky, and sadistic laughter resounded in their ears. It was pure, concentrated bloodlust, focused and sharpened and driven like a spear through the opponent's brain. The genjutsu did no physical damage, but it could break the will of even the strongest warrior when used properly.

Tabeki grinned at the agonized expressions on the men's faces and turned to his companions. "I can keep this genjutsu running for almost an hour if I have to. Iwasaki-san, you go and find Kakuzu-sama's ring. Shibuki-san, look for Hidan-sensei. Meet back here when you're done, or in 45 minutes, whichever comes first."

"Right," Shibuki and Iwasaki answered in unison, and took off into the ancestral grounds.

Pain throbbed through all the dislocated parts of Hidan's body. That didn't bother him, but the uncertainty he felt did. Hidan wasn't used to uncertainty. He always knew exactly what to do in a bad situation—usually it involved cursing and invoking the wrath of Jashin against whoever was pissing him off. Right now, though, he was at a loss. I'm stuck down here, in this Jashin-forsaken hole, forever. I'll never meet my god, and I can't even work his will in the world anymore! He looked off to his left, where his Jashin pendant lay on a rock. Why won't you let me just die, if I can't serve you anymore?

A sound from above distracted Hidan from his self-pity. Someone was lifting aside the rocks that filled the pit in which he lay. As he watched, a chakra string wound around one boulder and lifted it out of sight. Moonlight began to filter into his prison, and he saw a shadowed figure standing at the edge of the hole. "What, have you bastards come back to interrogate me?" he asked, mustering up some of his usual derisive manner.

"No, we're here to rescue you. How badly are you hurt?"

Hidan blinked. How could I have forgotten about them? Of course, his acolytes would have come eventually.

Shibuki leapt down into the pit and landed lightly a few feet from Hidan's head. "Sweet Jashin-sama," she breathed when she saw how many pieces Hidan was in. She shook her head. "My medical ninjutsu skills suck; I can't repair this degree of damage. I'll have to bring you back to the others." Searching around, she found his cloak and tied it into a makeshift bag. She wandered around the pit, picking up pieces of Hidan and putting them in the bag.

"No," Hidan said in an unusually soft voice.

"'No' what? No, my medical ninjutsu doesn't suck?"

"Oh yes, your medical skills suck ass. I meant, no, I don't want you to bring me to the others for healing."

"What?!"

More footsteps sounded above, and two more figures dropped into the pit. "Those two weaklings passed out; they won't wake up for a few hours," said Tabeki. "I figured I'd meet up with Iwasaki-san and help him search for the ring."

"We just found it," Iwasaki clarified. "Shit, he's in bad shape, isn't he? We'd better get him back to the Akatsuki—that blue-haired chick can put him back together."

"No," Hidan repeated more emphatically. "I don't want to be healed."

"You want us to leave you here in this hole, in pieces? Are you insane?" Tabeki looked at Hidan as if he'd just suggested that they all become pacifists.

"No, you idiot, I want you to kill me."

"Why the fuck would you want us to do something like that?" Iwasaki was likewise incredulous.

"I've been alive for 257 years. I've seen nations rise and fall. I've watched people be born, grow up, grow old, and die. And through it all I've stayed exactly the same. Up till now, I thought that was the best fucking thing in the world. But I just realized that being immortal means I'll never have the thing I want the most."

Shibuki looked confused. "I always thought the thing you wanted the most was to kill heathens and spread the glory of Jashin-sama. How does being immortal interfere with that?"

"I've devoted my entire life to serving Jashin-sama. The thing I want the most is…to see him. To talk to him. To stand in his presence. But that can only happen if I die. It's really fucking ironic, isn't it? The greatest gift that Jashin-sama gives his most loyal servants is immortality. But that gift keeps those loyal servants from ever meeting him in person, when we're the ones who'd most want that."

"You…you want us to send you to him?" The three students had drawn together, and were now standing side-by-side in front of Hidan's head. Shibuki still clutched the bag holding the rest of him.

"Yeah. You guys know the secret—that the ritual works both ways. If I tasted your blood, any damage I did to myself would be mirrored in you. But if you taste my blood and injure yourselves…I'll die."

"But…what will the three of us do without you?" Iwasaki looked uncharacteristically insecure.

"Go back to the temple and take the final test. Become full members of the sect—immortals who can't be stopped by anyone. Then rejoin the Akatsuki. You don't know what their goal is, but they're planning to start a war that will rage across the entire continent. You'll be able to fight and kill to your hearts' content. Fight with them, and let the whole goddamn world tremble in fear of your names."

The three young shinobi looked at each other, seeming to hold an entire conversation in facial expressions and brief gestures. Finally, they all nodded, and knelt down around their sensei. There was no shortage of Hidan's blood in the pit, and each student tasted a bit. Then each one removed the pikes that they carried at their sides, behind their kunai pouches, and slashed a shallow cut across each other's palms. With their own blood, they drew the Jashin symbol around themselves—three interlocked circles, with a triangle inscribed in each. Their skin turned black, with patches of stark white overlaying the positions of the bones. As one, they lifted their pikes and placed the tips against their chests.

"Put in a good word for us when you see Jashin-sama, will ya?" Tabeki smiled weakly as he said this.

"Sure thing. Your bickering was annoying as hell, but you were still pretty good students."

"And you're a pain in the ass sometimes, but you were still a pretty good sensei." Iwasaki's smile was likewise not the confident, assured thing that it normally was.

On some unspoken signal, all three students plunged the pikes through their hearts, spilling their blood to mingle with Hidan's on the rocky floor of the pit. Within the bag Shibuki had made, blood poured from Hidan's heart as its beating slowed and stopped. Hidan's mouth quirked up into a small smile as the world faded out around him.

Normally, the three students were constantly arguing or joking with each other, but they were silent as they filed out of the ancestral grounds past the still-unconscious Nara. As tradition dictated, they had burned Hidan's corpse and spilled a small portion of their blood into the flames. (Technically, the person who had killed him was also supposed to be thrown into the fire—preferably while still alive—but the Leader's order not to kill anyone had prevented that.)

"So. We give the rings to Leader-sama, then go to the temple for the final test?" Tabeki looked to his companions for confirmation.

Iwasaki nodded. "It's what he wanted us to do, right?"

"I wonder…if we pass the test, and become immortal…will we eventually feel like he did? Will we ever want to die?"

"Hell no," Iwasaki scoffed. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna live forever, and laugh at the poor suckers who have to die."

"Me too," Shibuki said, and some of her normal exuberance seemed to have returned to the smirk she displayed to her companions.

"Well, I guess I'll have to stick around too, then," Tabeki said. His voice, too, was starting to return to its normal tone. "Jashin-sama knows someone's got to keep you two from doing anything stupid."

"This from the guy who makes Tobi-sama look like a genius by comparison," muttered Iwasaki.

"Hey! What the hell was that supposed to mean? I'm the one who convinced Leader-sama to let us come on this mission, remember? All you did was stand there staring blankly into space."

Shibuki rolled her eyes as Tabeki and Iwasaki continued to bicker. Already, things were getting back to normal.

A/N: I got this idea after reading last week's chapter, and it promptly lodged itself in my brain and refused to go away until I wrote this.

The title is from the famous "To be or not to be" soliloquy in Hamlet, in which the title character is trying to decide whether or not to commit suicide. He makes the analogy of death as sleep, with the afterlife being a "dream" that occurs during that sleep, hence the line, "To die, to sleep; to sleep, perchance to dream." (My high school English teacher would be so proud that I still remember that!)

Also, am I correct in thinking that the Nara ancestral grounds are outside the village walls? I was kind of assuming that here, hence why they only had to bypass two guards to get in.

Reviews would be most appreciated!