Disclaimer: Disney owns SWAC, and I am not Disney.
She stares out her window, looking at the stars trying to fight their way through the glamorized gleam of Hollywood; the place where stars are made and hid away. One night, she would like to see the stars where they no longer have to fight for the light, no longer have to fight for everybody to see and notice them. But she knows that place won't be Hollywood.
She turns her head to look at the clock on her bedside table, reading 1:08AM, and works out that she's been trying to get to sleep for three hours. Of course she isn't surprised, she has insomnia and it's to be expected that she won't fall asleep until 2:01AM and get up at 7:30AM five hours and 29 minutes later. And her brain will be muddled and confused, and her attitude will be snappy, and her eyes will have dark bags underneath them, and her face will have two layers of make up covering her tired, tired face. And then when she comes home at 8:00PM, her mind will be accurate and sharp, her attitude unhappy, and the bags underneath her eyes will be invisible, and her face will have to be washed to get rid of the endless coatings of make up that she put on during the day to make sure she looked flawless.
She sighs at the thought of this, and closes her eyes. She pictures Tawni Town, all happy and natural and colourful. Pretty cottages line the street, and there's always something fun to do, always something there to keep you distracted. Tawni created this town, all by herself. No one helped her. Pink flowers grow around the edge of the road, standing tall and independent, but they all grow together. Everyone knows her name, and they all tell her she looks very, very pretty (but she wouldn't know; there aren't any mirrors in Tawni Town).
She then walks up a colourful pathway, leading her to a house. Red and yellow flowers grow in front of it, all perfectly aligned and spaced. The house is very different from all the others in Tawni Town, and that's because it's hers. And people always notice it and say how lovely it is. But they never judge her for being different, or even say she was entitled to it because she was the first one in Tawni Town, the one to create Tawni Town. They just smiled at her and she smiles back. And then the eternally twinkling stars shine down on her, and accept her as one of her own. Because it's her dream (and it doesn't need to be perfect).
The alarm wakes her up and she forces her eyes to open and see another bright, gleaming day in Hollywood. See Sonny's gleaming smile, see Chad's gleaming car and see the lights (harshly) gleaming down on her. She blinks a few times, trying to clear her (tired and confused) mind and finally gets up. She snatches a look at herself in the mirror, and sees the familiar sight of a girl with messy hair and tired eyes looking back at her. Make-up can wait till after she's had breakfast.
Sometimes, Tawni thinks she knows why Chad acts the way he does, why the whole cast of Mackenzie Falls acts the way they do. It's because So Random! are different, they're not a (another) drama Mackenzie Falls is similar to all the others on the long list of drama shows, competing for first place, and scared that someone may actually want something different. So much pressure. So you fight the competition, drive them away with your mean remarks and superior complex. But she understands this. How couldn't she?
She needs to be the prettiest, so that she catches someone's eye. So someone can separate her from all the other people who are on television, on the streets, in the world (she just wants recognition). Image is everything, because no one cares who you are on the inside. It needs to be different, whether it's appearance or attitude (so why not go for both?). And then you haven't got a choice, have you?
Tawni sometimes wonders why the hell she's still in this business (get me out, get me out!). She's sick of seeing Sonny's shining smile because it means that she's happy, that's she's enjoying this when there's nothing to enjoy. She was going to be crushed, Tawni knew it. Hollywood isn't the perfect world that Sonny saw, and everybody in it isn't perfect (why couldn't Sonny see that?). Her world was fake (false, pretend, artificial, pseudo, why can't you see what it truly is?), yet she believed in the lie.
She was sick of Mackenzie Falls' judgement. Every five seconds they said something that (they didn't mean, and she believed) degraded them when they were just as insecure as everybody else was.
She was sick of the repetition. Every night, the lights would shine down on her, and she'd try to remember her lines. Every night the audience clapped and cheered. Every night they seemed to tell the same joke again and again. And every night, she'd go home and lie awake for countless hours before dreaming of the same (clichéd) nightmare.
She used to love Christmas. She feels like she ought to love Christmas more because it brought so many happy memories. And everyone's nice to each other and there's another excuse to kiss cute boys and she gets the presents that she's been asking for all year, and she didn't even need to take her credit card out of her purse. But that's mainly the seven year old version of her talking, along with nostalgia that makes her smile and get out her old photo albums.
So really, she should love Christmas; she was happy (and blissfully naïve) and so was her whole family. She can remember staring into the classical (cliché) toy shop window. Miniature trains ran around the silver, gold and pink Christmas trees, occasionally blowing its whistle. The teddy bear had kind, loving and caring eyes that seemed to almost smile at you. The dolls wore perfect pink dresses and had perfect, neat blond hair. It was perfect.
(But then you remember that it wasn't. As soon as you pushed open the door, you found out that it was a set for a movie, and was immediately ushered back out by your mother, who scolded you for being careless and selfish. And it's just another reminder that another seemingly perfect thing was only an illusion.)
She can remember decorating the Christmas tree with pretty decorations that sparkled in the light. Red, green, gold, silver, pink, blue, purple; all the colours of the rainbow could be found upon that tree. And then there was the angel. She was dressed in a pretty white robe, with pretty blue eyes and pretty brown hair. She was at the top of the tree, looking down on all of them with her pretty blue eyes, seemingly a small and compassionate smile on her lips. Her Christmas tree glowed.
And then she remembers.
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
All except Tawni herself.
She had crept downstairs after she heard a slight noise,
Maybe it was Santa,
To bring her some toys.
She saw her merry Christmas tree,
All sparkly and bright,
But then she heard her parents had started to fight.
She can (ever so easily, too easily) remember hushed yelling, harsh whispers that she couldn't hear behind the closed door. She had wanted Santa to come ever so badly, he'd bring presents and good cheer to make everyone happy. But then she looked over at the tree, and saw presents underneath it, and she knew that he'd already been.
She heard that parents stop fighting, and remembered quickly going to hide behind the couch when the kitchen door opened. Her parents walked out in silence, hard faced and in single file as they went up the stairs. She saw her Mum go into their (it was always Mummy's AND Daddy's) bedroom, shutting the door behind her. But her Dad didn't follow, instead going into the guest bedroom three doors down. She didn't understand (and still doesn't want to).
She remembers slowly coming out from behind the sofa, staring at the tree in wonder. The shutters behind it were open slightly; letting soft streaks of light come in and sparkle against the tree. She walked behind the tree, careful not to let it prick her, and opened the shutters a little more. She gazed out the window, and the moon gazed back at her. The perfect sphere was an exquisite white, and it shared its light with everyone. Its beam landed on Tawni, and for a moment her eyes sparkled and her skin glowed. And the only thing she waited for was the silhouette of Santa and his many reindeer (it would've been perfect).
She finally turned away from the window and walked out from behind the Christmas tree, going to seat herself in front of it. The light from outside shone brightly on the edges of the tree, the darkness from the quiet house leaving part of tree still shaded, leaving more to uncover (in life, you can either stay in the dark or the glowing light). But the angel caught the light the best. Her robe shimmered and shined while her eyes seemed to glow mysteriously. Everything about her seemed beautiful, except her smile. It didn't seem to be there, and all Tawni could do was wonder what had caused her to lose such a pretty smile (she wondered if it had even been real in the first place).
Tawni stared at the tree for a long time, watching it sparkle in the glowing light.
She'd always been good at distractions.
On Christmas morning, everything was happy and perfect. Her parents smiled (emptily) at each other, Tawni got that doll she'd always wanted and her stocking was full of sweet candy canes. But the angel on top of the tree still didn't get her smile back, and Tawni still didn't understand why.
But she does know one month and eleven days later, when her Dad and Sarah leave, that something big happened. She doesn't truly understand what was happening, but she did realise that they were going to live in Seattle, and that was a far, far away place and she'd be spending a lot more time with Mummy.
(But in a way, you're glad he left now, because he didn't ruin Christmas or the New Year. Only problem is, your birthday's in five months and six days.)
She has no idea why she decided to go shopping with Sonny. But she does know that the tinsel and banners look pretty and she can feel the nostalgia making a return. But then Sonny's breaking her thoughts and asking what she should get for Chad (don't know, don't care…get him a mirror, everyone loves those). But as they're walking past the streets, she can smell a familiar smell. It's almost warm and inviting…it's the smell of pine trees. And suddenly, she can remember pine needles on the cream coloured carpet and pricking her finger on the sharp branches, and it's all wonderful. She's then dragging Sonny by the arm towards the comforting smell, ignoring Sonny's words of protest.
The small space in between two buildings is where Tawni is able to find the dark green trees, and for once, she smiles at something that isn't a pretty pink pair of shoes.
"Why are you getting a Christmas tree?" Sonny asks. "I thought you hated Christmas! And wouldn't it just be easier to get a plastic one?" she adds. And then, Tawni's mind is made up. There is no freaking way that she ISN'T getting a Christmas tree. So she hands the money to the guy wearing the Santa hat, (who has less Christmas spirit than her) and tells him to deliver it to her apartment, and then demands that Sonny be there to help her decorate it. She then breathes in the smell once more, and smiles again.
It's 3:02AM and she's been trying to get to sleep for four hours and thirty-two minutes. Usually, at Christmas time, she'd go out and walk around, searching for Christmas lights. But this time, she's quite content at just looking at her own little tree, its lights flashing and the decorations twinkling. The only thing it's missing is an angel or star at the top. But ever since her seventh Christmas, she's gone off angels (they're just another reminder that no one's looking out for her or caring for her). And she's sick of stars (she's in Hollywood, where nothing and no one ever shines as brightly as they seem).
But the tree still needs something on top. And she's looking out her window, and it comes to her. And suddenly, her eyes have the same wonderment and innocence when she was seven. And before she knows it, she's getting out of bed and rushing around her apartment, searching for a box that hasn't been opened in years.
When she finally finds it, she smiles and tears well up in her eyes (but none of them fall). She takes it out of the tissue paper that had been protecting it for six years, and holds it preciously in her hands. She lets the string slip onto one finger, and she holds it up towards the light, watching as the glitter changes into different colours, and as it swings lightly. Finally, she reaches up and is able to put the moon shaped ornament on top of the Christmas tree. She doesn't even need to look at it to know that her Christmas tree is now complete and perfect. Instead, she turns off the light, opens the shutters and gets into bed.