A Mountain Far Too Steep
By the gothic gunslinger
Summary: Suzaku goes to visit his best friend. Things are not what they seem.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine. I just borrow them for some mental exercise, I swear.
Author's Notes: … Too much thinking about Lelouch and his general state of mind. Listening to too much of the Last Shadow Puppets. Somehow this came out instead of schoolwork. Thanks for that, brain. The least I can do is share the mad result. Hope you like it.
***
Summertime made promises it knew it couldn't keep.
The fairytale was climbing up a mountain far too steep.
Colour in the pictures with your royal hands.
Now I am craving heartbreak while you're making your demands.
- The Last Shadow Puppets
***
The hospital had been built within the last five years and was the usual staple of ostentatious Britannian architecture. White, modern, lots of windows, and what felt like a thousand front steps to get up to the lobby. Suzaku climbed them, a briefcase in one hand and look of purpose on his face. It was not a facility for Elevens. When he passed others, he was regarded with suspicion until they recognized his military uniform, and then perhaps his face. Suzaku Kururugi, honorary Britannian. He would nod in their direction, showing he understood, and mentally willed them to pay him no mind. He was like the rest of them. He was just going to visit a friend.
Suzaku had picked this hospital himself, although Miss Cecile had helped, and so had Lloyd – well, if you could count any of Lloyd's comments as helpful. I long for the days when manacles were involved were his exact words, if Suzaku remembered correctly. No manacles, but the hospital had a terrific view and the best doctors Area 11 had to offer, many of them imported from the Britannian homeland. Best of all, given Suzaku's military benefits, he'd been able to set himself up as executor. Lelouch could practically stay for free.
This was Suzaku's fourth visit, so he was getting to know his way around. He didn't even have to ask for directions after signing for his visitor's pass. He took the elevator to the correct ward and remembered the name of the nurse working at the front desk. She was a redhead named April.
"How is he today?" Suzaku asked. It was an important question; Lelouch's mood was temperamental even in the best circumstances. Lately it seemed to depend on something completely unseen to the rest of humanity, like what he ate for breakfast, or the direction of the wind.
"Better than yesterday," April said. "But he could still use a friend."
"What happened yesterday?" Suzaku asked, unsure if he wanted the answer.
"There was a disagreement over medication."
Suzaku winced. Disagreements in Lelouch's case meant a temper tantrum, complete with spastic arm flailing and verbose speech. Suzaku could practically see the multi-colored pills scattered over the floor and the orderlies rushing in to hold his friend down.
"I'm sorry," he said, feeling the need to apologize for Lelouch's behavior. "He's not…" Usually like this? Wasn't that the entire reason Lelouch was here?
"Don't be," April said. "Even with all the theatrics, he's still one of our most polite patients."
"Must be the royal training," Suzaku said, before he could stop himself. He instantly felt guilty.
"He's a prince at heart," April said with a kind smile.
Suzaku thanked her and went down to Lelouch's room. During day time hours, the rooms weren't locked, so Suzaku could just let himself in. He paused before he entered, looking in through the small square window set into the door. The room was a decent size, and white. The bed in one corner was unmade, a gross violation of Lelouch's usual fanatic neatness. He'd been here nearly a month and still nothing was on the walls, although Suzaku had brought plenty of pictures of friends from home. And there was Lelouch himself, on the window seat, legs pulled in to his chest with his arms folded across his knees and his chin on top, staring out at the world below. The window was the entire reason Suzaku had picked this room. Miss Cecile had stressed the importance of natural lighting, and the view itself was of Mount Fuji, half carved by the Sakuradite mine, thought around the world to be breathtaking.
Suzaku sighed, dragging his hand down his face. He wanted to take comfort in the idea that Lelouch was at least utilizing the view, but he suspected his friend wasn't really seeing anything he looked at. Suzaku took a deep breath and opened the door.
Lelouch jumped and looked over. His face, immediately distrustful, darkened to a pure scowl when he saw who it was. He was thinner than ever here, which worried Suzaku, and his hair, which had always been careless, was downright disheveled now. Gray violet circles under his brighter violet eyes. Everyone told Suzaku – himself included – that he had done the right thing, but seeing Lelouch like this made him falter. Could there have been a better way?
"Suzaku."
That had been his greeting each of his four visits, his name spoken with so much venom he could feel every ounce of the betrayal Lelouch believed he had committed. Suzaku tried to shrug it off, smiling carefully. "H-hey, Lelouch. How are you doing?"
It was the wrong thing to say. Lelouch made a noise of disgust and turned away from him, back toward Mount Fuji. "I have nothing to say to you."
Still, it was an improvement from last time. Last time within minutes there had been shouting about terrorists and superheroes and overthrowing Britannia. And something about Suzaku being his sworn enemy, hiding the mythical girl named Nunnally away from him. Suzaku much preferred this loathing indifference. It was easier to work with.
He shut the door behind him and went over to the table in the middle of the room, which had two chairs. It was the table, Suzaku knew, that a doctor sat at daily to work with Lelouch on his diagnosis. Suzaku didn't imagine Lelouch sat calmly with him. There was likely pacing instead, or perhaps a cold freeze out, like he was getting right now. Suzaku put down the briefcase on the table.
"I brought you something."
Lelouch didn't respond.
Suzaku unlatched it and opened the lid. Lelouch seemed to recognize it just from the noise and slowly turned. Suzaku turned the briefcase to show him the checkered board inside, the white and black pieces snugly in their holders. It was the one thing Suzaku could think of that his friend would find hard to resist.
"Will you play with me?" Suzaku asked.
He could practically see the gears turning in Lelouch's head. Suzaku waited calmly, and when Lelouch still didn't move, he sat down and began setting up the chess board. He did a sloppy job of it on purpose, mixing up where the rooks and knights and bishops should go, and sure enough, there was another noise of disgust. Lelouch stood up and came over.
"You were always simply awful at chess," he said, dropping into the seat opposite Suzaku. "Let me do it."
Suzaku grinned and let Lelouch arrange the pieces. He took the black ones for himself, gave Suzaku the white, moving them around with a grace that did seem to befit royalty. Of all Lelouch's delusions, being a prince was the one Suzaku could have believed, if birth certificates and his own memory didn't tell him otherwise.
When Lelouch finished, Suzaku was still smiling. "Thanks."
"You're hardly a worthy opponent," Lelouch scoffed, crossing his arms. "But I can't turn down a chance to beat my enemy at something."
He was right, of course. Suzaku had been trying to practice, to give his friend at least a bit of fun, but it was more likely he would be in a checkmate within minutes. It was a sad irony, that a mind so sharp it could instantly predict every move of its opponent could also invent a chaotic alternate world that trapped Lelouch inside.
"I'm not your enemy, Lelouch," Suzaku said, with another patient smile. "I just want to play a game with my best friend."
Lelouch rolled his eyes. "White goes first, so just make your move."
Suzaku looked over the board and carefully moved out a pawn two spaces. No sooner had he done so, Lelouch made his own move, swiftly and with his eyes on Suzaku and not the board. Suzaku suppressed a sigh and glanced down at the pieces. They didn't speak to him the way they did to Lelouch, and already he was having to think things over a great deal before he acted.
"So how's the food here?" he asked while he considered.
"No one said conversation would be part of the game," Lelouch retorted.
Suzaku did sigh then, his gaze lifting from the chess board to his friend's glowering face. "Would it kill you to talk to me, just a little?"
"It will distract you from the game."
"We both know you'll beat me in about two minutes," Suzaku said, scowling himself. "But I just wanted to give you the chance to play. Unless you'd rather I left the board and you could play another patient or something."
Lelouch looked panicked for a moment and Suzaku knew he had hit upon something; it was unlikely the other patients were coherent enough to carry on a conversation, let alone an intellectual game.
"I have no desire to speak to those cretans," Lelouch said, with a haughtiness that would suit royalty.
Suzaku nodded. "Then the least you can do is answer my questions, huh?"
Lelouch muttered something under his breath that Suzaku couldn't catch. He raked fingers through his hair and recrossed his arms, leaning back in his chair. "The food is all right. It's better at Ashford Academy. But it's passable."
"Good." Suzaku nodded, secretly pleased the plan had worked. Lelouch wasn't the only one who could manipulate a situation. "Shirley and Milly are conspiring to bring you baked goods. If you have a preference, I'll pass it along to them."
He was met only with stony silence.
Suzaku sighed again. "One response per move? Really?"
Lelouch shrugged.
Suzaku shook his head, returning his attention to the board. After about ten seconds of silence, he made his move. Lelouch reached over and took his pawn with a knight, which Suzaku should have seen coming. Again the arms crossed, and Lelouch gave Suzaku a pointed look.
"Are you sleeping well?"
"No."
Suzaku made his move. Lelouch took another pawn. This was already looking to be a faster game than Suzaku had wanted.
"Why not?"
"Someone nearby screams at night."
"I'm sorry."
"Make your move."
Suzaku looked down, the familiar guilt returning to him. He had never quite convinced himself this was the best place for Lelouch. Although it was hailed as the best mental health facility in the Tokyo Settlement, it still housed the insane. And the insane could be more violent than Lelouch could ever be, given that he was built like a beanpole. The biggest threat he posed to anyone came with the outlandish commands he tried to give people, believing that he could, somehow, control minds.
But that alone was enough to remind Suzaku that Lelouch simply wasn't well, and that was barely scratching the surface of the delusions he had set up for himself. Suzaku was thinking about all of this instead of considering his pieces, and after a minute Lelouch began tapping his fingers against the table impatiently.
Suzaku moved a rook. Lelouch moved his king, beginning the odd signature strategy that, despite its risk factor, somehow kept him undefeated to every chess opponent he had ever come across.
"Are you listening to the doctors, at least?" Suzaku asked. Money was coming out of his paycheck for this, after all.
"Listening to them spout nonsense? I suppose."
"They're just trying to help you, you know," Suzaku said, although it wasn't his turn to speak.
Lelouch turned his gaze to the ceiling, as if summoning patience from above.
"Okay," Suzaku conceded, "that's the oldest one in the book. But I can't help if it's true. We all just want you to get better, Lelouch. Everyone misses you. Rolo can't even—"
"Don't talk to me about Rolo!" Lelouch shouted, slamming his hand against the table hard enough for the chess pieces to rattle.
"Right," Suzaku said, startled. "Sorry."
No one knew what had prompted Lelouch's sudden and vicious hatred for his younger brother, but it had the little guy worked up something fierce. It had also been one of the deciding factors in staging the intervention, once Lelouch starting accusing Rolo of being a spy, sent to replace the sister named Nunnally. The sister Lelouch had never had.
"Look," Lelouch said, his voice low and threatening, "play the game or get out, Suzaku. Hearing the same bullshit propaganda from you as the Britannian doctors is just insulting. You've opposed me since the beginning and now you've got me in your own checkmate. Flaunting your victory in my face is going to accomplish nothing."
There he went. Suzaku's chest felt tight. Lelouch's disease was cruelly deceptive; he could seem perfectly lucid one moment, and then the next he was rambling about battles in some invented war that he was apparently leading. Freeing Japan from Britannia. It was oddly similar to Suzaku's own goals, which he hoped to accomplish through diplomacy and respect, except Lelouch's version involved being a superhero who led a group of terrorists to bloody victory. Or was trying to. Being committed seemed to have thrown a wrench into the works of Zero, Lelouch's alter ego.
"I'm sorry," Suzaku said softly. "I didn't mean to offend you. Please believe me."
"It's your move," Lelouch said, arms crossed again in defiance, although his voice had softened. Maybe he was sorry too, in his own way.
Suzaku moved his chess piece. Lelouch made his own move, although he was no longer slamming the pieces down with vehemence.
"Are you ever going to forgive me?" Suzaku asked. The question slipped out before he could stop it.
"Forgive you?" Lelouch repeated, his voice dangerously light. Suzaku had mistaken a complete mental shutout for sympathy. Lelouch laughed, the scary manic laugh Suzaku hated, the one much different from the laugh he had heard when they were kids together. "Why would I ever?"
"I did this because I care, you know!" Suzaku said, voice raising. "Dammit, Lelouch, you're sick! Do you know how hard it is for me to see you like this? Casting everyone you know into some sort of cosmic play where you're the star? Fighting some sort of war you started and only you can end? I had to do something!"
It would be Suzaku's fault forever that Lelouch was here, no matter how joint the effort had seemed at the time. Sure, Rivalz had counted up his absences, seeing he was in danger of failing, although Lelouch was no longer attending chess tournaments. And Kallen had questioned him point-blank and had been told some sort of gibberish about the Shinjuku Ghetto and being the Queen to his King. And they had all been in the student council room when they called him in, told him how concerned they were. But it was Suzaku who had called the hospital, toured the facility just to be sure. Had gotten all the reassurances that Lelouch would be safe here, that the atmosphere would aid his recovery. And it was Suzaku who had blocked the door when Lelouch tried to leave, forcing him to wait for the doctors to arrive. He had seen the look in Lelouch's eyes change from confusion to panic to betrayal. Even in the world where Lelouch had painted Suzaku as one of his greatest opponents, he still hadn't thought Suzaku capable of this.
Sometimes Suzaku wasn't sure what he was capable of, either.
Suzaku should have been this coming. Lelouch's response to his outburst was to overturn the chess board. Their pieces scattered and the board skittered along the floor until it bumped into the wall. Lelouch no longer had any words for him; he retreated to a corner and slumped down onto the floor, arms over his head as he leaned into his knees. Suzaku instantly regretted losing his temper. Yelling at a crazy person was something even little kids knew better than to do. At least Lelouch wasn't shouting back; too much noise brought orderlies and if he ended up restrained, Suzaku would hold himself responsible for provoking Lelouch to begin with.
He sighed, then stood to pick up the fallen pieces. Once everything was back in its right place in the briefcase, he went over to Lelouch and knelt beside him.
"I'm sorry, Lelouch."
Lelouch shook his head.
"No, really, I am."
"If you insist on apologizing, the least you can do is help me escape." The voice was muffled since his head was still down, but Suzaku could make it out perfectly.
"Help you–? Lelouch…" Suzaku shook his head. "No. No, I can't do that."
"But you helped me before. You're every bit capable. Like when Mao…"
"Who's Mao, Lelouch?" Suzaku asked gently.
His shoulders tensed. He raised his head a little, staring. "You don't remember…"
"Don't remember what?"
"We had to save Nunnally from Mao. He'd kidnapped her, to get back at me for keeping C.C. from him… You were such a good friend, then. I didn't think I could count on you, but I could."
Mao was new. Suzaku had heard about Nunnally enough times to remember, and C.C. was supposedly a green-haired witch who had given Lelouch his mind control power, called Geass. Elaborate fantasies, a doctor had told Suzaku, common with a psychotic break. Common in a boy in his late teens, when it's most likely for brain chemicals to be thrown out of whack.
"You can count on me now," Suzaku insisted. "You just have to let yourself. Trust me a little, okay?"
Suzaku knew what it meant to trust him. Lelouch would have to abandon the fiction that he had been accepting as his world and understand how sick he was. Suzaku was certain that he already did, deep down. Lelouch was the smartest person he'd ever met. Even his own mind couldn't trick him for too long.
Lelouch swallowed hard and rubbed one eye. "Maybe a little."
"You don't have to do it alone," Suzaku said. "You don't have to do anything alone. I know you think it makes you stronger, but you have all these people who care about you. Don't push us away, all right?"
Lelouch didn't respond, but Suzaku knew he had heard. Suzaku reached over and squeezed his friend's shoulder, and Lelouch didn't pull away. He even tried to smile, although with marginal success. It was a start.
After a few minutes of careful silence, Suzaku asked, "So what's the deal with the medication?"
The ghost of a smile returned, taking on a wry twist. "When I take it, I can't hear myself think."
When Suzaku left that day, he felt more hopeful than he had in a long time. Lelouch had a long road ahead of him, but the doctors assured him full recovery was a strong possibility. It took time to find the right combination of medication to quiet the demons, to talk out all the problems Lelouch had bottled up inside him. Once well, Lelouch would be capable of so much. Until then, Suzaku would be there, every Sunday like clockwork. After a while maybe he could bring Shirley, then Rolo. Rivalz and Milly would insist on coming, and even Kallen would make an appearance. She liked Lelouch more than she cared to let on, trying not to step on Shirley's very infatuated toes.
Suzaku smiled as he went down the dozens of front steps. The sun hung low in the sky and it was warm. The world seemed bright with promise, and Suzaku liked thinking about the future, of all the things he could do: Make a difference with diplomacy, not violence. Bump into a pretty girl. Plan a welcome home party. Anything was possible.