Disclaimer: Buffy and her world aren't mine.
Author's note: There have been spoilers presented that Buffy will find out she wasn't in Heaven. So while we're speculating, I have, as usual, come up with the scenario that will make Buffy feel even more like crap. (Which I think she deserves after beating up on Spike. Who, while not defenseless, didn't hit her back in self-defense. And here I thought the writers at ME said he was bad for her. Hmph.)
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Just When You Thought
By Troll Princess
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**"You weren't in Heaven, Buffy."**
She curls up in bed, tighter, tighter, a tense ball of muscle and
bone trying to squeeze itself into nonexistance. Trying to crush
Willow's words from her head the same way she crushes the pillow in
her grasp.
She'd thought she'd been in ... oh, God, the things she'd said ...
the terrible things that she'd *said* ...
**"What killed you wasn't the fall, it was the energy. Sort of a
magical ptooey, you know?"**
Her eyes well with tears, spilling tears already saved up from hours
worth of --
"Buffy?"
-- worth of family and friends knocking on the door, trying to make
sure she's still breathing, still wriggling. The people who love her
most in the world --
"Love, you can't stay in there forever."
-- pounding on the door, attempting to draw her out. C'mon, puppy.
Look, I've got treats, she thinks, and her laughter sounds harsh
coming from a scratched and hoarse throat.
**"Buffy, when I tell you this next part, just ... just don't freak
out, okay?"**
She must look like hell, and she can't help but smile into her pillow
at that, making her cheeks burn from the effort. Fists that have
decapitated demons with one fell swoop work at the fabric of the
pillowcase, the bedspread, grasping in anxious, embarassed fear.
Oh, God.
If she wasn't in Heaven, if she hadn't been in Heaven ...
Then what the hell had she done?
**"It kinda sucked out your soul, and just ... well, it had to put it
somewhere, right?"**
She'd wondered.
Sometimes, she'd think about it. Why Mom hadn't been there, but her
touch was everywhere. Why Kendra hadn't been there, but a slight
fear of her had.
Why Heaven was tinged with such warm, comfortable love, why Heaven
smelled like hot chocolate and sounded like bad poetry with the best
of intentions.
And now she knew.
Now she knew so much. And it hurt so much worse than if she really
HAD been in Heaven.
**"It's not like he ever knew, or felt anything ... it just stuck you
where there wasn't a soul ..."**
Her hands unconsciously roam her body, fingertips gliding over the
spot on her breast that he caressed every time she could remember,
the curve of her shoulder where he'd left a mark so insistent she'd
worn turtlenecks for a week, the slope of her waist where his touch
still burned through her skin even hours since their last time
together ...
She'd felt complete. She'd felt warm, and loved -- oh, God, *so*
loved, and she'd felt ...
Finished.
Mated.
**"It stuck you in Spike."**