Caring for the Universe
He calls himself Jim and smiles a beautiful smile, narrows his eyes as if he had a right to cover such eyes with eyelids, and he loves so many things in his life, with the life as the very first thing on his list, because he knows death, he knows it too well, he loves being alive and he loves every woman he has ever met, and the Universe, and the Enterprise, and his crew, he loves rush of blood in his veins, adrenaline and breathing hard and risking his life just to save it once again and win everything because he can.
When he first meets Spock he thinks that he's just like the Universe because the one thing Jim knows about the Universe is that the Universe doesn't care.
The Universe is cold and infinite and it grows, glows in the dark with galaxies and stars, beautiful and ageless, and so unmoved, always so unmoved, isn't it, thinks Jim, you could blow everything up and die a million times in the neverending homicide and the Universe wouldn't care.
But then Jim starts to see, small hidden things, and the big ones, all this obvious (because isn't it, thinks Jim, and no, it isn't, wasn't for him) pain and this agony of Spock's when Vulcan is destroyed, and then his eyes, narrowed just a little, and Jim thinks this is how he cries. Then there is a ship too close to Klingon and there's Uhura and she's hurt and there's the argument which isn't his but Jim listens anyway, and later he can see Spock's narrowed eyes, he can hear Spock's unsteady breath (and this is how he cries, Jim is sure of it, and maybe this is how he loves), so he opens his eyes widely and sees so much, feels so much, tell me how do you choose not to, Spock, please, and then he dies because this is what someone so alive does, because he can.
When he wakes up, he knows that Spock is nothing like the Universe because the one thing Jim knows about the Universe is that the Universe doesn't care.
The Universe is amazing and impossible and too big for any man to see it all, undeniable and so fast and so unsteady, it's the entropy which carries everything and everyone, and you can't kill it, can you, thinks Jim, you could let the madman kill everyone, you could run not fast enough to save your crew, your friends and family, you could die of radiation for nothing and the Universe wouldn't care.
He calls himself Jim and smiles beautiful smile, opens his eyes widely and he lives, he explores strange new worlds, seeks out new life and new civilizations, boldly goes where no man has gone before and he loves it, he loves it all, loves his life and the Enterprise, and his crew, he loves the rush of blood in his veins, adrenaline and breathing hard and risking his life just to save it once again and win everything because he can.
There's no need to realise that you love the Universe, Spock could say and maybe he could add his name, Jim, he could say (again, thinks Jim, again and again), and Jim would smile, he knows it, because Spock would be right (again, thinks Jim, again and again), wouldn't he, thinks Jim, because really, there's no need to realise that you love him, Jim, you know it.