The disclaimer is written in tiny little print so it's hard to see. It says that I don't own the board game Sorry or any GI Joe characters. This is just some insanity that had to come out.
Sorry: Cobra Edition
"I can't believe we actually found a board game on this ship," The Baroness remarked as the Cobras sat around a table and prepared to play a game. "You know? One the Commander hasn't set on fire yet?"
"I said I was sorry about that," Cobra Commander hissed. "I was so sure that you could only buy houses in Monopoly during your turn only!"
"The rulebook said during your turn or after another player's turn!" Tomax snapped.
"Well I didn't read the rulebook until after…the incident," Cobra Commander waved.
"You mean after the arson," Xamot remarked.
"That reminds me," The Baroness said. "Cobra Commander, hand over your lighter."
"And your blaster," Tomax added.
"Or any other weapon you have on your person," Xamot added.
"Fine!" Cobra Commander started putting his weapons on the table. "You make half a dozen little hissy fits during board game night and everyone classifies you as a sore loser!"
"That's because you are a sore loser!" Destro snapped.
"You're also a sore winner," Mindbender remarked.
"Well sorry for having some passion for board games!" Cobra Commander snapped as he took out a knife strapped to his leg and put it on the table.
"Sorry, an appropriate name for a game if there ever was one," Destro sighed as he looked at the name of the board game. "I'm already sorry that we have resorted to this in order to fight boredom and ennui."
"Well if someone had actually helped salvage some decent materials in the last port we visited instead of setting an entire street on fire…" Mindbender glared at Cobra Commander. "We would be entertained by our very own singing and dancing troupe of mutant lobsters."
"Oh not this again," Cobra Commander grumbled as he took out a grenade from his back pocket. "It wasn't going to work anyway Mindbender!"
"Yes it was! Singing and dancing lobsters! And even if it didn't we would have had a seafood dinner!" Mindbender snapped. "It's a win-win situation!"
"Anything with you is a lose-lose situation," Destro said. He looked at Cobra Commander then at the small pile of weapons on the table. "Is that all of it?"
"Yes," Cobra Commander grunted.
"Including your lighter?" Destro asked.
"Oh. I forgot," He took it out of his pocket. "There. That's everything."
"Everything?" Destro raised an eyebrow.
"Everything," Cobra Commander grunted.
"Even the vial of toxic nerve gas?" Destro asked.
"Here," Cobra Commander took it out of his jacket. "I only need that for emergencies anyway."
"And the brass knuckles you keep in your back pocket," Destro made a motion with his hand.
"Oh come on!" Cobra Commander protested before grudgingly giving them up.
"And the lead pipe you keep in your right pant leg?" Destro asked.
"I left it in my room!" Cobra Commander snapped. "That's for special occasions anyway!"
"Any poison darts?" Destro asked.
"Just the one in my wrist shooter," Cobra Commander said.
"Give it," Destro put his hand out.
"Oh!" Cobra Commander took it off and gave it to him.
"It was easier disarming Iraq!" The Baroness remarked.
"Now is that all of it?" Destro asked.
"Yes," Cobra Commander said.
"Are you sure?" Destro asked.
"Yes!"
"Everything?" Destro asked.
"Yes!"
"You're lying," Destro said.
"Damn," Cobra Commander grumbled as he started to unbuckle his belt and put his hand into his underwear.
"Hold on!" Destro stopped him. "Whatever you have in your underwear…that you can keep!"
"Finally! Can we start the game now?" Cobra Commander sat back down. "Or do I have to go into the back to be strip searched?"
"God no," The Baroness groaned.
"No one here wants that!" Destro said. "Let's start the game."
"This will be fun. We haven't had a board game night in ages," Mindbender said cheerfully.
"And there's a reason for that Mindbender," Destro gave him a look.
"Wait we can't play this game," The Baroness realized.
"Why not?" Cobra Commander asked.
"The maximum number of players for this game is four," The Baroness said.
"So?" Cobra Commander asked.
"We can all count can't we?" The Baroness snapped. "There are only enough pieces for four players and six of us!"
"So? That's not a problem," Tomax said.
"Two of us will just have to sit out the game and watch," Xamot shrugged.
"We'll do it!" The Twins held up their hands. "Dibs!"
"Damn!" Destro snapped his fingers.
"Ha ha…" Tomax smirked.
"We don't get to play at all," Xamot grinned.
"I guess we just have to watch you play," Tomax smiled.
"What a disappointment," Xamot smiled.
"I hate you creeps," The Baroness glared at them.
"Fine! You two are out! Can we start playing this game now?" Cobra Commander snapped. "How do we play this thing anyway?"
"Simple, the goal is to get all four of your pieces to your finish line," Destro pointed. "You roll a dice and you move one of your pieces on the board corresponding to that number. If you happen to hit another player's piece at the end that player's piece has to go back to the starting line. Got it?"
"Sounds simple," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"It should be. I've seen children and Dreadnoks play it," The Baroness said. "And I must say if a Dreadnok can figure it out…"
"Let's just get this over with," Destro grumbled. "I'll be red."
"I want to be red," Mindbender frowned.
"Tough, I'm red," The Baroness snapped.
"I called red first," Destro said.
"Well red looks better on me than it does you anyway," The Baroness said.
"It does not," Destro said.
"Well I called it first," Mindbender said. "So I get to be red!"
"I'm the one who found the game, I should be red!" The Baroness snapped.
"Actually I was going to use that as a reason why I should be red," Destro snapped.
"ALL RIGHT KNOCK IT OFF!" Cobra Commander snapped. "As your leader I will make the decision…"
"Let me guess," Destro stopped him with his hand. "You want to be red."
"No. I want to be blue," Cobra Commander scoffed. "Seriously. I want to be blue! Red indeed! Ha!"
"You don't want to be red?" Mindbender asked.
"Why do you want to be blue?" The Baroness asked.
"Uh because it is my favorite color?" Cobra Commander gave her a look.
"Blue is your favorite color?" Mindbender asked. "I didn't know that."
"HELLO?" Cobra Commander indicated himself. "What color have I been wearing for the past thirty years? Tangerine Orange?"
"Oh," Mindbender blinked.
"Why else would I be wearing a blue uniform for all this time? I admit it's not exactly the most slimming color on me!" Cobra Commander snapped. "But it makes me feel empowered so I am blue!"
"Well if we're going by color scheme since I have some red in my uniform I get to be red!" Destro snapped.
"I'm wearing red lipstick!" The Baroness protested.
"I'm wearing red underwear!" Mindbender shouted. Everyone looked at him. "I've said too much again haven't I?"
"Okay Mindbender you can be red," Destro motioned with his hand. "I'll take yellow. Baroness you take green."
"Maybe I want to be yellow?" The Baroness asked. "Did you ever think of that?"
"Do you want to be yellow?" Destro asked.
"No. I want to be green," The Baroness said.
"Then why did you make a fuss about yellow?" Destro asked.
"A girl likes to be asked," The Baroness shrugged. Destro made a sound of exacerbation.
"And to think," Cobra Commander remarked. "You didn't want to marry this woman. Can't imagine why!"
Destro glared at the Crimson Twins who were chuckling. "Are you two having a good time?" Destro snarled.
"Yes! Very much," Xamot grinned.
"Only thing missing is the popcorn," Tomax grinned.
"Let's just start the game," Destro groaned. "In order to save time and eliminate as many hissy fits as possible, Commander you start."
"How magnanimous of you Destro," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. He rolled the dice. "Five. Okay I move my piece…"
"Uh you can't move your piece Cobra Commander," Destro stopped him.
"Why not? I rolled a five!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"But you have to roll a double in order to move one of your players out of the starting line," The Baroness said.
"Why?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Because those are the rules!" Destro snapped.
"Well excuuuuuuuussseee me!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I never played this game before! How was I supposed to know that?"
"Well you know it now!" Destro snapped. "Mindbender it's your turn."
"Three," Mindbender rolled the dice. "Shoot!"
"Don't give me any ideas," Cobra Commander grumbled under his breath.
"My turn," Destro sighed as he rolled the dice. "Seven."
"Nine," The Baroness rolled. "Your turn Commander."
"Seven," Cobra Commander said. "So I can't go?"
"No," Destro shook his head. "Only doubles. Mindbender."
"Three," Mindbender rolled the dice. "Your turn Destro."
"Five," Destro rolled the dice. "Baroness."
"Seven," The Baroness rolled the dice. "Commander."
"Nine," Cobra Commander rolled the dice. "Are you sure I can't go?"
"I'm sure. Mindbender," Destro said. "Mindbender."
"Three again. What is it with threes?" Mindbender grumbled.
"Nine," Destro rolled the dice.
"Five," The Baroness rolled the dice.
"Well this is a real nail biter," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. He picked up the dice. "Eleven."
"Three," Mindbender rolled the dice again.
"This game is stupid," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Commander…" Destro sighed as he rolled the dice. "Five…"
"Come on! Can't we cheat just a little?" Cobra Commander asked. "I mean we are terrorists after all!"
"No!" The Baroness rolled the dice. "Three…"
"Now you're getting Mindbender's luck," Cobra Commander grumbled. "What good is being a terrorist if you can't cheat on a board game every now and then? Give me those dice! Five! AGAIN!"
"This is going to be a long game," Destro sighed.
"No wonder the Dreadnoks play this game! It's as stupid as they are!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Ahh! Six! I got a six!" Mindbender cheered.
"Finally!" Cobra Commander threw his hands in the air. "Halleluiah!"
"One two, three, four five six!" Mindbender counted. "And I hit a slide so I go allllll the way down here! Yay!"
"My turn," Destro sighed as he rolled the dice. "Four. At last."
"Six," The Baroness rolled the dice. "Finally! One two three four five six and a slide."
"And I get a…Three," Cobra Commander frowned. "What the hell?"
"My turn!" Mindbender said gleefully. "Three…One two three and another slide! Boo-ya!"
"Three," Destro rolled the dice. "One two three. And a mini slide."
"Two! Oh get another man out," The Baroness took a piece out. "Your turn Commander."
"All right I need to make some headway here," Cobra Commander threw the dice. "Five? What the hell? Is this game rigged?"
"No, Mindbender…" Destro sighed.
"Six! Yes!" Mindbender cheered. "Another piece gets out! And another siiiiiiiiiiiiiiddeee!"
"Okay something is not right with this game!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"There is nothing wrong with the game Cobra Commander," The Baroness sighed.
"Says you! You have two pieces out!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"But not for long!" Destro smirked. "Eight! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!"
"Hey!" The Baroness protested as he knocked off her piece and put it back to start.
"Sorry Darling," Destro smirked.
"You will be," The Baroness glared at him. "My turn! Four! I'm out again! HA! And further than I was before! Nice try Destro, darling. But like all your other plans, I come out on top!"
"My turn," Cobra Commander snatched the dice. "Two! FINALLY!"
"Cobra Commander is on the loose," Mindbender quipped. "Ah five! One, two, threeeeeeeee! Four! Five!" Sorry Cobra Commander!"
"What the? He can't knock out my guy like that!" Cobra Commander snapped. "He can't use a slide in the middle of counting can he?"
"I believe he can," Destro said. "My turn. Eight! Good! I get another man out!"
"And I get a three," The Baroness rolled. "One two three."
"And I also get a three!" Cobra Commander snapped. "This is stupid!"
"Twelve! Oh yeah! I get another guy out!" Mindbender cheered.
"I'm going to get a drink," Cobra Commander got up and stormed out of the room. A few minutes later after some game play he was back with a brandy glass. "Is it my turn yet?"
"Yes," Destro said. "Roll the dice."
Cobra Commander did so. "Three again! This is insane! All of you have at least three pieces out and I have zilch!"
Mindbender rolled the dice. "Four! I now I have four pieces with my four! Whoo hoo!"
"Why hell are we playing this game again?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Because there is very little entertainment on this ship," The Baroness grumbled.
"Oh I don't know," Tomax said.
"We're being entertained," Xamot grinned.
"Seven," Destro rolled the dice. "Hmmmm…"
"Watch out Mindbender," The Baroness taunted. "Looks like Destro has you in his sights."
"Unless I do this!" Destro moved his piece so it landed on the same space one of the Baroness' pieces was occupying. "Sorry!"
"Sorry?" The Baroness gave him a look. "Sorry? I don't think you are!"
"Come on Baroness…" Destro waved. "It's only a game."
"Only a game? I can't help but notice that you keep going after me, even when you have Mindbender in your sights!" The Baroness snapped. "He gets a free pass but I don't! No you can't wait for any opportunity to knock me down!"
"You're imagining things," Destro said. "It's your turn."
"Fine!" The Baroness rolled the dice again. "Three! One, two three!"
"Give me those dice!" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Come on stupid dice, Cobra Commander needs an even number! Come on! SEVEN? SEVEN! THIS GAME IS RIGGED!"
"It is not rigged Cobra Commander," The Baroness snapped. "Even though some people are playing unfairly."
"I only removed your piece as a strategic move," Destro said. "I mean let's face it you are my only competition in this game!"
"TWELVE! OH YEAH BABY! I GOT A GUY IN THE SAFE ZONE! WHOO HOO!" Mindbender whooped. He raised his hands and did a little sitting dance in his chair.
The Baroness looked at Destro. Destro shrugged. "Obviously a fluke."
"No competition huh?" Cobra Commander sneered. "At least now I know where I stand with you lot."
"For crying out loud Cobra Commander you don't even have any pieces on the board!" The Baroness snapped.
"And whose fault is that?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"It's nobody's fault! It's just dumb luck!" Destro snatched the dice. "Five! One, two three four five!"
"You knocked off one of my pieces again!" The Baroness shouted.
"It was the closest one!" Destro snapped.
"No it wasn't! One of Mindbender's pieces is right there!" The Baroness pointed.
"Oh. I didn't see that one," Destro said.
"Yeah right! Likely story!" The Baroness snapped.
"Well sorry!" Destro snapped.
The Baroness made an annoyed sound and took the dice. "Twelve!" She barked. "You know instead of taking out a man I think I will do this!" She moved the piece around and knocked off one of Destro's pieces. "SORRY!" She shouted in his face.
"Like you've ever been sorry for anything you've ever done when we were dating!" Destro snapped.
"Oh that is rich coming from you!" The Baroness snapped. "How many times have you cheated on me?"
"That depends," Xamot spoke up. "Are we talking about the grand total…?"
"Or just the ones you know about?" Tomax asked.
"SHUT UP!" Destro yelled.
"You know what? I don't care anymore! It's a good thing I never married you because it saved me a lot of heartache!" The Baroness snapped.
"Not for lack of trying," Tomax remarked.
"Didn't someone tell you to shut up?" The Baroness snapped.
"I GOT A FREAKING THREE AGAIN!" Cobra Commander yelled as he took the dice.
"Here we go again!" Destro threw up his hands. "Do you know why I cheated on you? Because of your constant nagging!"
"As well as the obvious reasons," Xamot added.
"I can do without the commentary from the peanut gallery!" Destro snapped.
"Well I need a freaking double and I am not going to stop rolling until I get one!" Cobra Commander snapped. He rolled the dice again. "Five? COME ON!"
"Every time I tried to have a serious conversation with you, it turned into a criticism fest of monumental proportions!" Destro snapped at the Baroness. "You were worse than my mother! And trust me, that is a tough act to beat sister!"
"Seven? Come on!" Cobra Commander rolled the dice again.
"Destro why don't you wear your other suit, it makes you look better?" Destro mocked the Baroness in a copy of her own accent. "Destro why can't we go to that French restaurant that is more expensive? Destro why don't you redecorate your room? Destro sit up straight! Destro, I want this! Destro I want that!"
"I do not sound like that!" The Baroness snapped.
"Actually I think that is pretty spot on," Tomax remarked.
"Why don't you two go do each other's nails or something?" The Baroness snapped.
"Five! Three! Eleven! Seven! Three again!" Cobra Commander bristled as he kept throwing the dice. "I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!"
"You once nagged at me to eat my vegetables at dinner!" Destro snapped.
"So? You could always use the nutrients and roughage," The Baroness frowned.
"Not in front of a client!" Destro shouted. "We were at a dinner meeting with the Ambassador from Libya discussing long range missiles when you started cutting up my meat and trying to shove a Brussels sprout in my mouth!"
"Another three! This stupid dice is rigged!" Cobra Commander spat.
"It's my turn anyway. Let me try," Mindbender did so. "FOUR! WHOO HOO! And I got my little player in the home spot! Yes!"
"NO!" Cobra Commander screeched.
"Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?" Destro went on. "Little wonder not only did I lose the sale I lost the whole Libyan account! Who is going to buy weapons from a man who needs his girlfriend to cut his food for him?"
"Really? That's the reason?" The Baroness folded her arms. "You don't think it had a little something to do with you hitting on his wife?"
"I was being polite!" Destro snapped.
"You were being a letch!" The Baroness snapped.
"The point is no man wants to marry his mother! On purpose anyway," Destro said. "Unless they are very disturbed…"
"That's not an excuse for you!" The Baroness snapped. "Admit it! You lied about that like you lied about everything in our relationship!"
"How can I lie about something when you won't let me get a word in edgewise?" Destro shouted.
"How can I be losing to Mindbender?" Cobra Commander moaned. "The man who lost us thousands of dollars in Vegas at the Craps table suddenly has become a dice shark!"
"Admit it, Destro!" The Baroness screamed getting in Destro's face. "YOU ARE A LIAR! ADMIT IT! ADMIT IT!"
"I ADMIT IT!" Mindbender broke down. "I LIED! I LIED!"
"NOT YOU!" The Baroness yelled. "Wait what the hell did you lie about?"
"You know how I said I was wearing red underwear?" Mindbender asked. "I lied."
"You're not wearing red underwear?" Destro sighed.
"I'm not wearing any underwear," Mindbender said.
"And there goes another bit of my will to live," Destro groaned.
"It was my own fault," The Baroness sighed. "I should know better by now than not to ask him those things."
"At least you admit something is your fault," Destro grumbled.
"Oh let's not go back to that again!" The Baroness snapped.
"AND I'M BACK TO THREE! THAT'S IT!" Cobra Commander screamed as he stood up. "You want to play Sorry? Well…SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRY!"
Cobra Commander grabbed the board game and scattered the pieces all over the room. Then he whacked the board game against the table several times. "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" Cobra Commander yelled as he whacked.
He stopped when he heard the Crimson Twins laughing. He whacked the board game over their heads, knocking them to the floor. "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorrrrrryyyyy!"
Then Cobra Commander threw the board game against the wall and started to storm out of the room. He stopped and turned around. "You know why I'm sorry? I'm sorry that I ever met you people! I'm sorry that I ever thought this group of morons could accomplish anything! Let alone taking over the world! I'm sorry that I put my trust in a collective full of backstabbing simpletons who failed me at every turn! I'M SORRY!"
"I notice you're not sorry you threw the game right as I was winning it!" Mindbender snapped as he stood up. "Typical! The second I get ahead in anything…"
"Oh here's another thing I am sorry about!" Cobra Commander threw up his arms. "Another chorus of Mindbender's Misery! Verse 482!"
"You don't think I notice how you lot put me down all the time?" Mindbender snapped. "But the second I get ahead or succeed just a little…"
"The only success you've ever had was little!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"That's right Cobra Commander! Keep putting me down!" Mindbender snapped. "I'm only the man working on changing coal into diamonds so we can pay the bills! I'm only the man who keeps this ship tidy and afloat! I'm only the one who does bloody everything around here while you lot sit on your asses and bicker all day!"
"How did this happen?" The Baroness asked Destro. "I thought we were the ones fighting."
"We were," Destro said. "But as usual Mindbender and Cobra Commander just had to make a scene!"
"WHY DO I PUT UP WITH YOU? WHY? WHY? WHY?" Mindbender yelled.
"I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I guess we have to put our fight aside and watch them now," The Baroness said sarcastically. "Because God forbid any attention goes off those two for even a second!"
"Drama queens," Destro nodded as he folded his arms.
"It's always the same! Mindbender is the goat!" Mindbender went on. "Mindbender is the fool! Mindbender is the loser who can't do anything right!"
"Mindbender if you want an argument you'd better change the topic," Cobra Commander sneered. "Because I agree with that sentiment one hundred percent!"
"You wouldn't be anywhere without me!" Mindbender snapped.
"We wouldn't be lost and broke? Yeah I agree with that too!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Can't even have a nice quiet game without those two making a scene," The Baroness groaned.
"I know!" Destro said. "We were having a lovely time until they started in!"
Cobra Commander and Mindbender stopped fighting and looked at them. "Until we started…?" Mindbender asked.
"Give me a break!" Cobra Commander threw his arms out. He hit both Crimson Twins who happened to stagger up from where they were hit.
"OOOH!" The Crimson Twins were both knocked down again.
"Every time you two are in the same room it's like watching the Bickersons!" Mindbender snapped. "That was an old TV show about a couple who didn't fight nearly as much as you two!"
"You would know about old things," The Baroness sneered.
"You really want to get into a fight about age, Baroness?" Mindbender pointed. "Seriously? I know your real birthday! I've seen your real birth certificate! You want to fight about age, bring it on!"
"I don't have a birth certificate," The Baroness sniffed. "Not a real one anyway."
"Oh yes you do," Cobra Commander said. "I know because I helped Mindbender track it down! It wasn't easy. Paper that old is very brittle and hard to read but you have one!"
"That is it! I don't have to sit here and listen to you two go at it!" The Baroness stood up. "I'm leaving!" As she did so she stepped on both Crimson Twins on her way out the door.
"If only that was true!" Cobra Commander shouted after her. "This is all her fault! She's the one who made us play the stupid game in the first place!"
"It's not a stupid game! You just call it stupid because you were losing at it, like you lose at everything else!" Mindbender snapped.
"This from the Grand High Master of All Losers!" Cobra Commander snapped. "If she doesn't have to play this stupid game anymore, neither do I! I'm out of here!"
"We're on a boat in the middle of the ocean," Destro said. "Good luck with that."
"You know what I mean! I don't want to see you morons again until…Well at least until I've had a few good drinks!" Cobra Commander snapped.
He walked out, deliberately stepping on the Crimson Twins as well. "OW!" Xamot yelled.
"Mommy…" Tomax moaned.
"If they are leaving! I am leaving!" Mindbender got up and he too walked on Xamot and Tomax.
"OW! OW!" The Twins moaned.
"My spleen…" Xamot moaned.
"One more thing! For the record I won the game! SO THERE!" Mindbender stormed out of the room.
"If this game is over…" Xamot moaned.
"Can we go to the infirmary now?" Tomax moaned.
"This is why we don't play board games more often," Destro said.