"it's all becoming so clear. you'll be mine forever and almost always. it ain't right to just love me when you can. i won't wait patiently or wake up every morning just hoping that you'll still care. forever and almost always, no it ain't right."
i found myself in the back of your car
The sun's shine doesn't seem to want to synchronize with Stiles as he gazes longly across the green field; it's not like the weather ever works in his favor. Not even today, when it's all supposed to be wrong, when everything should be black or grey, despite the fact that no one's there beside him.
The service is long done and the few people that came have left him alone with his thoughts because that's all he has now. Even for him, the one who can find a million and one way of someone's death, this isn't an exaggeration. Being the only one in a crowd of people to care isn't supposed to be right, but he considers it rather true, what with everyone turning their backs on… him.
Stiles still has friends; not the one he wants because he's isn't close anymore and the others are just too distant for him to care anymore. No one deserves to lose people they love, but others disagree — others don't love the same. They don't love forever.
i didn't know it until then, i swear
if i did i'd have done what you did for me
His legs fail him when he tries to execute the simple task of walking but he carries on. He won't stop now, because staying at a graveyard for hours like he has isn't what most people like to do in the summer, but he might be wrong about that because he hasn't felt closer to Scott than he feels now and he never will again, but he's been thinking about that for too long to go back to the topic again.
Instead, he walks. It's worked before — walking to clear his mind, that is — but the match doesn't want to light this time and there's not a thing he can do to turn his thoughts off. Sometimes it seems like your mind is wandering around a field on purpose when all you need is to get away. Maybe that's why Stiles ends up next to the lake.
He hasn't been there in years; four, to be exact. Ever since everyone's lives took a bad turn. Actually, that's not true. The turn wasn't bad, the people just wanted to go the other way and sometimes (boy, he wishes now that this wasn't a sometime but it's far too late) people win. In spite of his battle for a better way to handle everything.
It only takes one snap of someone's fingers to make another person's life a dead-end. Just like it's taken him a single second to fall in love with that someone. But he was wrong to do that and he realizes that.
Too late.
just do me a favor, save me a spot
i'll come to you in a little while
He knew this day would come sometime, maybe even sooner than today, but it's one thing to know it'll happen and a different when it actually happens. It's like holding onto a thread for so long that it doesn't feel right when it slips away and that thin scar that it left on his finger is the only thing left for him to look at.
Not sure what he's doing, Stiles looks down to his hand and the pebble that's in it before casting his gaze to the lake.
Four years, two months and three days and the counter resets itself, this time to count into forever because the moment he throws the pebble into the lake, he knows that it's the last one going in there from his hands. Maybe it's even the last time he can take in the view that was theirs when nothing was wrong. The one place where they were alone and could talk about everything; be it girls, cars or finally watching Star Wars, it was their spot.
"Not anymore," Stiles whispers to himself, but the wind takes his words away so fast that he doesn't even realize his thoughts formed a sound instead of just staying in his head.
but tell me how it's up there
i'll listen in the dead of the night tell me how it is where you are
make me understand
The way his hands are folded in his pockets makes him seem like he's waiting for something, or someone because that's what's expected. You see all the movies where people claim they feel a presence but he doesn't; it makes him wonder whether something's wrong with him or if it's just empty stories, but he really, truly wishes that it's the first one because that means he'll feel him. One day, when everything is right again.
What's right, anyway? Is it right to lose the person you've known all your life to someone who thinks they did the good thing? It can't be, and if he lets himself believe that, he knows it'll be wrong. It'll be sick and twisted because that's not what he's known all his life and that's definitely not what he wants to think for the rest of his life.
Lives of many came at crossroads and he followed everyone; if that's not right, then he doesn't need to know what is. He doesn't want to know. He's tried to make things alright with everyone, but being a mediator in an endless fight isn't something that's easy to do.
He tried — over and over again, he tried. He's been over things too many times to make any logic out of it because there should've been a compromise to find. There should've been a way to meet everyone's expectations even though no one believed it aside from him. He guesses not everyone is as flexible as him in terms of finding a common path. It's not even worth it, just thinking about it makes him sick because the one person he wanted…
He didn't want her — he needed her and she turned her back to his reasoning as soon as he started talking about it. Every single time. That didn't stop him from following her, too, though, but it should have. It should've been the reason for him to give Scott every fight he has in him even though he's human.
That ends tonight, even if it's far too late to fight.
do i follow you, do i leap after you?
because it's you i want to keep
Truth be told, he feels sorry for himself. He's the only one whose messes aren't clean right now because he's focused on everyone else for the past few years that he hasn't even had time to try and settle down. He needs to get a job instead of being a follower because there's only so many places his dad's money can get him and that's not where he wants to be.
He can't be the guy that keeps his promises to a guy who's not there next to him to see him follow through with it. It's not that anyone would even believe him he's doing it for him, because the Scott that everyone knows now isn't the same one that they knew before. At least not to them, but he never changed around Stiles.
"I know you have the ring," he told him that one day in the dark layer of his apartment, the one that always creeped Stiles out but he couldn't say a thing. "She'll be lucky to have you, you know."
That's all they said about the topic, even if Stiles still carries the ring in his pocket, waiting for his chance to make everything perfect when it's falling apart because of the differences in opinions. It's not supposed to be like this, because the whole world doesn't just fall apart with a breakup.
But people do fall apart and he ends up being the only one on the both sides instead of just letting go of one. How does he choose, though? Sure, it's much easier now that Scott's gone, but he wants to be fair to everyone and he's always wanted that.
she's just a girl, i can find another
but i'll never find you again, my brother
Hearing a distant sound of an engine stopping gets him out of his thoughts to look away from the lake just to throw one glance; he doesn't need to look twice to know whose car it is. It's not about the person driving, though, because she doesn't talk with him anymore, not since the day she's seen him with Scott.
Them keeping up with each other has been no secret, but Allison's denial of it must've been the last thing that connected her to her ex. And Stiles knows why she's never asked about him, but he's seen her cry over it when she doesn't know he's watching too many times to know that one question could've saved them all.
Not that it matters, though, because now it's done and the tables have turned because now he's the one who has something to hold against her. All the years with her around flashed in front of him when he felt a hand on his shoulder because she's not important anymore, she's going out of his life. She's never been his favorite, anyway, and they both know it.
If it's not for all the times that he jumped to save her life, he's leaving her behind for all the times Scott did. Ten years and no one ever heard her talk about that.
twenty-six years and all the past has sailed away
but i just found out who i should've been
"Do you need more time?" Lydia's voice is all he hears now; there's no point in denying that she's now the only center of his world. All he's ever wanted is her in his arms and he got that, and that's why he's not sure how he can even think about leaving everything behind because she is his everything.
That's why he has to pose his question. "Why?" It's a fairly simple word, but he can hear Lydia's breath hitching at it. It's not an easy question to get an answer to, he knows that but he needs it. If not for him, then for Scott, wherever he is.
"It's not like I shot that arrow," is her first defense and the only one she can say out loud because Stiles turns around the second she's finished and his eyes… those eyes that were filled with pain before are changing into a mix of anger and agony and she can't bear to see him that way. Full of unshed tears waiting to fall, full of silent frustration that he'd never express on her.
No matter how hard life gets, she only gets the best of him and maybe that's his mistake. He's never been able to admit that sometimes she does something wrong and that's what's been stopping him from letting one end hang loose and picking a side.
Instead of going with his instinct and reacting instantaneously, he waits it out and then speaks up. "But you watched it from a foot away. And now my best friend is dead," he seems calm despite both of their tears threatening to fall.
"He was biting you, Stiles," she almost yells at him, but she knows better than that. She's not going to let him have something else to hold against him, she can't have him hating her more than he probably does now.
He doesn't, though. He can't hate her, he won't ever be able to.
But Stiles can't say that aloud, even if he's thinking about it on the loop; he's in far too deep in his sadness to admit that, to let her know that he loves her like always. Like when he's watched her with others, or the times that she claimed that she can't indulge in a relationship because it's too complicated, or those when they were together without even noticing.
She's the one for him, but he knows that he would've had to let go of Scott if he wanted to say that to her.
"Did it ever occur to you that I asked him to? I'm glad I did, because that's the only thing I'll now have left of him," he tells her, and for just a second his eyes flash a bright yellow color that she's grown used to from everyone else but him.
i'm sorry it took me so long, i didn't want to keep you waiting
but i've had a bad day over and over again
"You wanted to…" The realization doesn't hit her until a few seconds later because she really doesn't want to face the truth. Who would? It's never been about the bite these last few years, it's been about picking sides and finding out the answer to the ultimate question — whose side are you on? Scott biting Stiles, it's unsettling in too many ways for Lydia.
For him, too, but he didn't depend on the people who follow him because he was a follower, never a leader. Maybe that should've been different, but it's too late to take anything back right now. "Yes. And you could've respected my decision right away. You knew that arrow was aimed at me and you watched her launch it. That should've been me in a grave and not him! But he, he… he risked his life for me — he threw me in the back of his truck and took an arrow for me. He died for me. So thanks for standing like a statue."
He doesn't mean it, of course. But what else can he say? It's like something's pushing him to say things that he should mean but doesn't; things that he had in his mind but not his heart, and it's his fault that he partly believes each sound that rolls off his tongue.
"What could I have done? You know that she doesn't trust me because of you."
"So what, you'd just let me die?"
It stings. He can't even pretend that it doesn't because it's the second worst feeling of the day and he's not sure what to say anymore. At least it's been said.
"That's not what I said, Stiles," Lydia tells him, but all her defenses are useless after that and the silence that follows is the first one in a long time for the two of them.
i'll follow you, brother
because i don't know how to live without you
Maybe this is what's been building up for the last four years and, yes, maybe it's his fault that she'd say that because he's the one who's been trying to hassle with two sides that don't see eye to eye just because Scott decided to join the alpha pack.
For a few moments, Stiles forgets that Lydia's right there next to me and fishes a small box out of his pocket. She shouldn't assume right away, she knows that, but she still gasps two times; once when she sees the box and the other time when he opens it. There's not going to be an engagement, that much is clear by no words that come out of his mouth, though that twist would be one that they both would've been grateful for at this moment.
Stiles thinks about it — honestly thinks about it — but the moment isn't right and all the years that passed with moments that aren't right are the only thing on his mind because there were many of those. Too many, one would think.
He does, too. He thinks it was too many missed chances and maybe it's because they're not right; especially now that he's something he knows her best friend won't ever accept and he's convinced that Allison is ahead of him in the race for Lydia's trust and alliance.
He obviously doesn't know for sure, but what does it matter now? He shuts the box forcefully and looks at it one last time before throwing it into the lake with one swift arch of his arm. His attention momentarily shifts to Lydia, whose tears are now fully visible on her cheeks even though she stays quiet and lets him be the first one to talk.
"I love you," Stiles says. It's curt and barely audible but they both know he means it because he always does. He's mad and distressed, but he needs her to know now more than any other time before. No, he's not sure why or what they'll make out of this, but he wants to be safe and make his possibly last words to her good and memorable instead of those being a rush of madness.
They may not have the ring anymore and Lydia has no idea what to make out of everything that's happened in the past couple of days but they both know that there's no one else they'd rather have in this moment. It only ever lasts for seconds at a time, but these are the times they know that they're each other's everything, despite anything that might've been said.
"I love you," she returns without hesitation, slowly nodding her head as if she needs to verify her response. There should be much more to say but everything feels like a goodbye that they can't.
It's not them at fault, it's the sun that doesn't stop shining upon them. It's the lake that holds Stiles' mother's ring in it that's forever lost for him. It's the eyes that sparkle in yellow and return back to their primary state so naturally. It's the death of those who you care the most about that couldn't be stopped.
Never have they felt more distant than now, in this moment.
"Forever and freaking always," he slips up and lets a gentle sigh pass his lips before he turns his back to her and starts walking slowly. There's no point in hurrying when he knows that she's too busy watching the lake to try and stop him. "He never even watched Star Wars," is the last thing Stiles mutters under his breath before silently walking home.
must've been good to know all along who you are