Disclaimer: If I owned MIOBI… this would definitely not happen. I'm not really sure where it came from.
A/N: Why didn't anyone tell me my break lines had gone missing? I'm making my own damn breaks this time :)
This was wrong. The gym was supposed to be a place of bustling activity, hard work, dreams and drama, but instead it was full of tense silence. The silence of waiting.
Payson was sick with worry. Sasha had never been late, not once since he had been coaching at the Rock. Nobody was saying it, but everyone was thinking it—if Sasha wasn't here, then something was terribly wrong. So here they were, leaning against equipment or sitting on the floor, some in groups and some alone, all waiting. Waiting to hear news of Sasha. Waiting to know what was wrong.
She was the first one to notice when her mom stepped out of the office. For the last hour, her gaze had been shifting between the gym doors, hoping to see Sasha walk through them, and the office, dreading what her mom might be finding out. Kim's face was carefully expressionless, which Payson read easily: whatever she knew was so bad that she was trying to hide it.
Kim came to a halt at the bottom of the stairs. Payson vaguely noticed the footfalls and low murmurs of the rest of the gym as they gathered closer, but her eyes were locked on her mother. Waiting. Waiting for the bad news.
"I—" Kim cut herself off before she even began. "There was an accident. Sasha was on his motorcycle and… And he wasn't wearing a helmet." Her mask broke and she sobbed, not needing to continue because everyone knew what she wasn't saying. Sasha hadn't made it. He was dead.
"No," Payson said, shaking her head. "It's not true. You're wrong, it—it wasn't him. Your wrong!"
Her mom started toward her, reaching out as she came closer. "Sweetie—"
"No!" she screamed, stepping back, away from her mother, away from the lies. They were wrong. "It's a mistake, they made a mistake! He's not dead!"
Austin laid his hand on her shoulder from behind, and with that touch the rest of the world intruded on her senses. The sobs of her teammates assaulted her ears; the fluorescent lights blinded her; Austin's hand was burning against her skin. "Don't touch me!"
Pulling away from him, she ran, not caring where she went as long as it was away from there. She was dimly aware of pushing through doors, of hot pavement under her bare feet, and when she stumbled and fell to her knees she was somehow on grass. There was a strange sensation in her fingers and she realized that they were buried in dirt where she was clawing at the earth beneath her. Someone was screaming. She was only mildly surprised to find that it was her.
There were people surrounding her and she didn't know why. She didn't know much of anything. She didn't know where she was or why she was screaming and she wasn't entirely sure who she was. The only thing she knew was that her heart was missing and she couldn't find it. Then she felt a pin prick and she didn't know anything at all.
o-O-o
Payson was confused when she woke up. She was in her bedroom. Her mouth was cottony and her eyes were gritty and her body was rusty. She wasn't sure when her body had turned to tin; she thought she should have remembered that happening. There was a tin man in The Wizard of Oz. He didn't have a heart. Maybe that was part of being a tin person, not having a heart. Or maybe losing your heart made you turn into a tin person. She tried to remember when she had lost her heart, if it had been before or after she turned to tin.
Then she remembered why she lost her heart and she was screaming again.
0-O-o
People were talking in the hallway.
"It's been three days, Kim. This can't continue." Three days. Three days since Sasha died. Three days since she lost her heart. Or maybe she lost her marbles. She wasn't really sure anymore.
"Just give her time. She's getting better. She's stopped screaming, that's a good sign, right?" She'd gone a little crazy those first couple of days; she thought the screams would make things better. Bring him back, make her die, stop the pain. Something. Anything. She was better now. She realized the screaming was pointless. It was all pointless.
"I would rather she be screaming than what she's doing now. At least then we knew she was feeling something. She hasn't said a word all day, Kim. Not one word. She won't eat, she won't move, she just lays in there staring at the wall." That was just stupid. Why would her dad think she was staring at the wall? That would be completely pointless. She wasn't staring at anything, the wall just happened to be in front of her.
"She's grieving, Mark. She just lost someone very important to her, it's natural for her to be upset." She wasn't upset. She wasn't anything.
"One more day, Kim. I'll give her one more day and then we're doing something about this. I will not sit back and watch while we lose our daughter."
o-O-o
"Payson, get up," her dad said. "Get showered, get dressed. You're going to the gym."
"Why? What's the point?"
"Sasha would be ashamed of you, Payson. He worked so hard to get you to the Olympics, and you're just going to give up? You owe him more than that." He had probably rehearsed those words.
She swung her legs to the side of the bed and sat up with a sigh. "Okay. Give me fifteen minutes and I'll be ready."
He just stood there with his mouth hanging open. He had expected a fight. "Really? Just like that, you're going to go?"
"You're right. Sasha would want me to keep pursuing our dream. He wanted me to win Olympic gold, so I'm going to do it." She might as well. Nothing mattered now, so the least she could do was win him a gold medal. All the other options were just as pointless. "I'll be ready in a few minutes."
o-O-o
Marty was back at the Rock. He thought they needed a familiar presence in the gym, someone who understood what they were going through. She'd watched as the other three elites in the gym broke down one at a time, sobbing into Marty's chest as he held them. Some of the others, as well, some that had barely even known Sasha. They were all weak.
He kept trying to approach her, trying to get her to talk about her feelings. She ignored him. She didn't need a shoulder to cry on, she needed to up her DOD. If he wanted to talk about anything other than gymnastics he could go to someone else.
o-O-o
The floor. That had been their event. It was oddly appropriate to end with the apparatus that started it all. But she hated it now. She hated the memories it brought, she hated the way she felt when she performed. The floor was the only time she ever felt anything anymore. Now it was over and she'd never have to feel anything again.
Standing on top of the gold medal podium, Payson's face was completely blank. It was her sixth gold medal, a record. Of course she had won six gold medals. Her DOD was the highest in the world on every event and she hadn't made a mistake in months. She had worked harder and longer than anyone else in the sport. It's not like she had anything better to do.
When she stepped down from the podium, she ripped off the gold medal and threw it away from her. She wanted no part of this event, ever again. That medal could burn as far as she was concerned.
"Payson!" Kelly called from behind her, standing just off the podium with a silver medal around her neck and a bouquet of flowers in her hand. Payson had already dropped her flowers without even realizing.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to control the emotions that her floor routine had brought to the surface. "Don't even try, Kelly. I don't want the damn thing. I'm done." She'd accomplished their dream. She'd won her gold medals, but none of it mattered because he was still dead. It was all pointless anyway.
"You are being selfish!" Payson raised an eyebrow in surprise, daring Kelly to continue. "You've ruined the Olympics for us, Payson. We've dreamed about this our entire lives and you ruined it!"
"Honestly, Kelly, I just don't give a fuck." Kelly was being petty. Payson's whole life had been ruined, so she didn't really care if the Games weren't fun for her teammates. She turned to walk away.
Kelly yelled at her back again. "You aren't the only one who lost him!"
"Don't you dare, Kelly," she said, not bothering to turn around. Her voice was flat. "Don't you dare pretend like it's the same. You know it's not."
She could hear Kelly crying. "Fine, I get it, losing Sasha was worse for you. But then you checked out and we lost you, too. At least we got to say goodbye to Sasha."
Payson closed her eyes, took another deep breath, and then walked away. Kelly could go to hell.
o-O-o
Sometimes her whole body tingled, like she was thawing out from being frozen. Like your toes feel when you've been out in the snow too long and then come back into a heated house. She started feeling things again. Small things, like relief when final exams were over and anticipation when she went home for Christmas. She couldn't quite manage excitement, but she was looking forward to seeing Becca again.
o-O-o
Her professor made a joke and she smiled. It hurt a little bit. She hadn't used those muscles in a long time, not since before. It hurt a little, but it was a good hurt. Smiling was almost like being happy.
o-O-o
Someone staged a water balloon fight outside her dorm. She got hit on her way back from class and her biology book got soaked. She was pissed, because that book had cost $140 and now it was ruined, so she grabbed a balloon from one of the many buckets scattered across the courtyard and threw it at the person who hit her. Her aim was perfect; he got hit right in the face. Then someone else tagged her and she got drawn into the fight. It wasn't until she was back in her room half an hour later that she realized she'd had fun.
o-O-o
Austin called her on the first day of every month. He had started when she left for college, and she always ignored him. He left the same voicemail every single month: "Hey, Pay, it's Austin. I was just calling to see how you were doing. Give me a call back whenever you can."
Seventeen times he had left that message. On the eighteenth month, she picked up the phone. He was so surprised that he couldn't form words. He just sputtered nonsense sounds until he finally managed to get his mouth under control and talk to her.
It was good to talk to him. She hadn't spoken to anyone from the Rock since she left Kelly standing at the podium in London. He caught her up on what everybody had been doing in the last year and a half, and some of the stuff that had happened before then, between when Sasha died and the Olympics. She had missed a lot during that time. Kelly had filed a restraining order against her mom; he and Kaylie had broken up; Steve Tanner had started to date Chloe Kmetko again. Steve and Chloe were married now, and Emily had been in London with her newborn son to support Lauren. Payson hadn't even noticed.
Before they hung up, they made plans for Austin to come visit her in Minnesota.
o-O-o
When the University of Minnesota went on Spring Break, Austin flew up and spent the entire week with her. She spent the days showing him around the Twin Cities, just goofing off and having fun. They wreaked havoc in the Mall of America. Payson hadn't smiled so much in years. She hadn't laughed so much in her entire life.
The nights were different. Her dorm room was tiny and crowded, but it never occurred to either of them that he would stay anywhere else. So they laid together on her dorm-issued twin bed, with Austin's feet hanging off the end Payson half on top of him to keep from falling off, and talked. They talked about everything, big and small, serious and silly, until Payson was sure that she knew him as well as she knew herself. It took him three nights to ask the question that they both knew was coming. "Were you in love with him?"
"Yes." It was all she needed to say. And then she was crying, holding on to Austin like a lifeline, finally letting go of all the grief and anger that she had held onto for so long. It was the first time she had cried over Sasha. Even at the beginning, she had screamed but never cried. It felt cleansing, like rain washing away all of her pain and leaving the good memories behind.
On their last day together, Austin said he had a surprise for her. He put a blindfold over her eyes and made her sit in the passenger side of her car while he drove them somewhere. When the car stopped he took her by the hand and led her across a parking lot. They didn't even need to go through the doors for Payson to know where they were. She could smell the gym chalk.
He gave her clothes to change into—although when he had time to go buy her a new leo she had no idea—and they spent the day training together. She had never wanted to step foot in a gym again, but Austin had seen what she couldn't, that gymnastics was a part of her that she couldn't forget. Getting back on the bars was like coming home, and she never wanted to leave again.
She cried again when he left. They stood by the security check, trying not to say goodbye, until he had no choice but to leave. Before he stepped through security, he took her in his arms and kissed her. She told him that their first kiss shouldn't have been a goodbye and he said that it wasn't.
o-O-o
When school started the next Monday, life got busy for Payson. Her life revolved around three things: classes, talking to Austin, and training at the gym he had taken her to. Classes were the most boring of the three and training was the hardest. She was out of shape. Everyday left her with new aches, bruises, and blisters, but she was happy in a way that she hadn't been since Sasha died. She was only training three events; beam, bars, and vault. Floor was still too painful. She was moving on with her life, but the floor would always be about Sasha.
She talked to Austin every day. He had become the most important person in her life, and the time that they spent on the phone was the happiest part of each day for her. Sometimes she was able to speak with him and with her family at the same time, because he spent a lot of time at her parents' house. Her mother had been thrilled about the relationship, which prompted frequent invitations to dinner for Austin and even more frequent hints to Payson about having a family dinner with all five of them.
o-O-o
The next time Austin came to visit her, he stayed at a hotel. Payson stayed with him. She skipped all of her classes and they spent the week in a dichotomy of leisure and labor. They were either making love or working out.
During Austin's first trip to Minneapolis, they had traipsed across two cities finding every sight to be seen. Payson had posted hundreds of pictures of them on Facebook, at different landmarks or just doing ridiculous things. She posted far fewer pictures from this visit. There were a few of them at the gym together, a couple of them on the hotel balcony, one of Austin lying spread eagle across the bed and taking up all the space. But mostly they were too busy to take pictures. Payson like it that way.
o-O-o
As a former Olympian, Payson qualified automatically for the Visa National Championships, which was both good and bad. It was good because she had not been ready for last month's CoverGirl Classic, the National Championship Qualifier. It was bad because it meant that she was going into Nationals after only six months of training without having competed since London. She hadn't been so nervous for a meet since her first Junior Nationals.
It had been Austin's idea. He was on the route to Rio 2016 and he wanted her to be there competing with him. It was a long shot at best. She was out of practice, her body had changed, and she was three years older than the next oldest girl in the field. The biggest obstacle of all, though, was London. She had pissed off a lot of people by her behavior in 2012, and the gymnastics world was not forgiving. Which was why she was about to give a press conference where complete strangers would pry into the most painful details of her life.
The first question was planted by her agent. "Payson, one of the most iconic images in the history of gymnastics is you throwing away your last gold medal in London. Can you explain what happened there?"
Her answer was prepared, but that didn't make it any easier to give. Austin squeezed her hand. A major stipulation in her agreement to have this press conference was that Austin be allowed to stand with her. "As you know, the 2012 Olympics came just eight months after the death of my coach, Sasha Belov. I was…devastated when Sasha died, and I was not in a healthy place during London. I had closed myself off completely, shut off all of my emotions, but the floor… the floor was a very special event for Sasha and I, and it was… very difficult for me to perform that routine. I threw that medal away for the same reason that I won't be competing on floor this weekend. It's just too painful." The speech was rehearsed, but the emotion was not. Austin dropped her hand and slid his arm around her waist, pulling her closer as she tried to reign in her tears.
"Why are you returning to the sport now?" This question was also planned.
She smiled sadly. "I remembered why I love it. Those last eight months I was competing out of obligation, because I thought I owed it to Sasha to get to the Olympics. Afterward, I swore I would never do gymnastics again. Austin had to drag me back to the gym, but once I was there… it was like coming home. I remembered why I fell in love with the sport to begin with."
One reported shouted out his question before anyone could be called on. "Payson, were you romantically involved with Sasha Belov?"
Payson was so stunned by the question that she actually stepped away from the podium. Austin held her firm and gave her the strength she needed to continue. The answer to that question was so absurdly complex that she didn't know how to respond, so she settled for the most literal version of the truth. "No. Sasha was my entire world; he meant more to me than anyone else ever has, but no, we were not romantically involved. Our relationship was strictly platonic."
All it took was one reported speaking out of turn to ruin a press conference. Now everyone was shouting questions at her at once. She couldn't understand a word of the cacophony, but finally one question rang above the rest. "Austin Tucker, how to you feel about her statement that Sasha Belov means more to her than you do?"
"Enough." Like Sasha, Austin could command a room with a single word. "I'm not trying to replace Sasha. Our roles in her life are completely different. I love Payson and I will never begrudge her the place that Sasha holds in her heart, no more than she would resent the place that my sister holds in mine. I think we're done here."
When they were alone again she nearly hyperventilated against his chest. He took her back to their hotel room and plied her with liquor, enough to get her drunk but not enough to leave her hung over the next day. By the time she fell asleep she was almost calm.
Considering the rocky start, the rest of the weekend had gone surprisingly well. She'd ranked 3rd on bars, 9th on beam, and 11th on vault. It was a better comeback than she could have possibly dreamed, and it secured her place on the National Team. Austin, of course, had swept through the men's competition to take his 6th consecutive National Championship. Suddenly Austin's crazy plan for them to go to the 2016 Olympics together seemed a lot less crazy.
o-O-o
Being back in Rio was bittersweet. Rio had been the last time that Sasha had coached her in competition. It had been the last time that she was truly part of the Rock team. She had thought then that they were untouchable. Then a month later Sasha had died and everything had changed.
She hadn't experienced the Olympics in London. She had been so wrapped up in her pain that she was barely aware of her surroundings, but this time she was getting the full experience. She danced with Austin at the Opening Ceremony, cheered her team during practice, enjoyed the roar of the crowd as they walked into the arena. But the best part was seeing her old teammates in the stands cheering for her.
She had worried that her friends would never forgive her for ruining the Olympics for them. She thought that they would hate her for trying to go to another Olympics without them. Austin had arranged a Rock reunion after her first Nationals back and she was so terrified that he had to physically pick her up and put her in his car. Whatever she had expected, it certainly hadn't been Kelly Parker running to hug her and saying "Thank God you're okay!"
She didn't realize until that day how bad things had been back then. They told her how worried they had been about her, how Kaylie had been afraid that she might take her own life. Payson didn't tell anybody but Austin that she had thought about it a few times. Kelly apologized for what she said in London. She said that she had been so scared of losing Payson for good that she just snapped.
They had all been so excited that she was coming back to gymnastics and so supportive of her push for another Olympics. They were in the stands in Rio, holding posters and wearing shirts that said 'Team Keeler.' Emily's son even had one on. It was adorable.
She captained her team to a gold medal, the second Olympiad in a row for USA to win a team gold. She managed a gold on bars and a bronze on beam, and one of her teammates, 17 year old Joslyn Miller, took the golds for the All Around, floor, and beam with a silver on vault. It wasn't nearly as successful a year as 2012 was for Team USA, but a team gold and six individual medals was nothing to sneeze at.
Austin had a successful run, too. There was a team silver, his third consecutive All Around gold, golds for rings and vault, silver on floor and parallel bars, and a bronze on high bar. All of the hardware around their necks, though, meant nothing to them in comparison to the hardware on Payson's finger.
It had been after the bars event final. Payson was on the gold medal podium, bending to receive her medal from an IOC official, when the picture on the JumboTron flashed from Payson on the podium to Austin in the stands, holding a sign that read "Will you marry me?" She nodded enthusiastically, leaping off the podium and running to where he had jumped down from the stands. Millions of fans had watched on live TV as he slipped the ring onto her finger and kissed her for good measure. The IOC had levied gigantic fines to Team USA for their numerous breeches of etiquette that day, which Payson and Austin gladly agreed to pay. It had been worth it.
o-O-o
Payson came back to the Rock on the night before her wedding. She left most of the lights turned off and ignored all of the equipment, heading straight for the floor. She scanned through her iPod and found the song she was looking for, Sleeping Beauty Waltz. She lowered herself to the floor, and for the first time in five years, she danced the routine that she and Sasha had created together. She let all the memories flow over her, much like the tears flowing down her face, and for 90 seconds let herself pretend like Sasha was still there with her. As the last notes of her music faded away and she folded herself back to the ground, Payson finally said goodbye to the man who made her who she was. When she stood, she wasn't surprised to see the man she loved standing in the shadows, waiting to take her home.
A/N: Okay, so it's not the next chapter of MKB, but what do you think? This went places I had not expected. I meant for it to be the aftereffects of Sasha's death and then little snippets of Payson 'reawakening' after the Olympics. I'm not sure how Austin managed to sneak in there…
P.S. Obviously, I don't take myself too seriously, because this is labeled in my documents folder as 'dead Sasha fic.'