1-30-11 1:00-2:00 am
Still Alive
The Abbey was never a place for building friendships.
'Friends are weaknesses to be used against you' was the commonly used explanation for this fact.
Friends are people you trust; who you share your secrets with. But someone who knows your secrets can use them against you- can hurt you with them. And that makes you vulnerable- makes you weak.
And Abbey Children were not weak. Therefore, 'friendship' wasn't allowed.
So people say we're cold- that we don't feel anything because we don't show it outwardly.
But that isn't true.
Just because we hide our emotions, doesn't mean we don't feel them.
We grew up as child soldiers. We were tools, weapons, a means to an end. An end we neither comprehended, nor believed in.
It wasn't a place where we were taught to 'share our toys', or say 'please', 'thank you', and 'I'm sorry'. We were never taught how to ask, 'are you ok?' or how to show our fondness for one another.
You were assigned a team and you Bladed with them. They were your teammates and nothing more. You weren't supposed to become friends. Perhaps, that was what made us want to even more. After all, it's human nature to be attracted to 'off limits' signs and 'forbidden' warnings.
Still, it was strange. In the midst of all our questions, all our fears and pain, our hatred and our sadness. In the midst of all of it, we found hope in each other.
An approving glance, a small smile, a shoulder to cry on when the rooms were dark and our hearts and bodies ached- that was all we needed.
We were children born and raised in desolation; we knew nothing of the love a family should have given. But, without realized it, we became brothers to one another. We became a family. A dysfunctional, screwed up, and completely mental family, but we didn't care.
The Abbey was never a place for building friendships, but we did anyway.
Friends are people you trust; who you share your secrets with. Someone who knows your secrets can use them against you- can hurt you with them. But real friends won't, and together we are strong.
It wasn't a place where we were taught to 'share our toys', or say 'please', 'thank you', and 'I'm sorry'. We were never taught how to ask, 'are you ok?' or how to show our fondness for one another.
And that's why, when I fought you in the ring today, and we both gave it our all; when we were both bleeding and exhausted; when we hadn't talked to each other in months and we were worried the other was even still among the living- that's why that was all you could say to me, and that's why that was all I could reply with.
You grinned like you hadn't in years, and I smiled for the first time in as long. To the others it probably meant nothing, but for us, it spoke what we never could.
"Still alive, Hiwatari?"
"Still alive, Ivanov."
And that was all we needed.