I have no idea where I put the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. This madness takes place shortly after The Adventures of Admiral Curtain Drawers/Cyril Does Debbie. Life's one big soap opera at the Figgis Agency isn't it?
Days Of Our Figgis Agency
"So let me get this straight," Lana said to Ray. "There are two scientists Krieger knows and they basically fight and screw each other over all the time. Both figuratively and literally?"
"Just like you and Archer yes," Ray said. They were sitting in Mallory's office along with Mallory who was at her desk.
"And Cyril hooked up with this Dr. Debbie all weekend," Lana said. "And she used him to get back at her boyfriend who as soon as he wanted her back she just dumped Cyril?"
"Just like you and Archer, yes," Ray said.
"Well not exactly like us," Lana said.
"Pretty close," Ray said.
"Basically, all you idiots did all weekend," Lana couldn't believe it. "Was look up Debbie's revenge porn website and drink?"
"We also had a lot of takeout," Ray said. "And we watched the whole Cyril mess at the office. Exactly like…"
"It was not exactly like me and Archer!" Lana barked.
"Close enough," Ray shrugged.
"How could you idiots waste an entire weekend just sitting around looking at a porn site?" Lana snapped. "Even as I asked the question…"
"It's not just a porn site," Ray said. "There's a lot of stuff on there. Blog posts, poetry, cocktail recipes, reviews. We couldn't help ourselves! It was impossible to stop!"
"Not to mention a lot of dick pics," Lana glared at him.
"Didn't hurt," Ray said. "And these aren't the blurry kind. We're talking high quality photos here."
"Mallory, can you believe…?" Lana began when she noticed Mallory was intensely staring at her computer. "Mallory!"
"Huh?" Mallory blinked. "I'm sorry I was just reading some of these reviews. They are incredibly detailed."
"Aren't they?" Ray asked. "And the picture section is helpful too."
"I see that," Mallory remarked. "These pictures are very high quality."
"Mallory!" Lana snapped. "I can't believe I am the one who has to tell you to pay attention!"
"Well I'm sorry, Lana," Mallory snapped. "Between my son being in a coma, my reputation back home being torn to shreds as we speak and my business failing I'm not exactly as focused as I usually am!"
"How's your marriage doing?" Ray asked.
"Don't ask…" Mallory groaned. "Speaking of asking…Explain to me again how a toaster got arrested for assaulting a police officer?"
"Milton shot toast at police officer," Ray said. "What's to explain?"
"Could you also explain this?" Mallory clicked on something on the computer and rave music was heard. "Is that Woodhouse?"
"It is," Ray said. "He had a rave at Tunt Manor while we were in San Marcos. Again pretty self-explanatory…"
"So this Debbie slept with Sterling, Woodhouse, Brett, Bilbo, Slater and…" Mallory did a double take. "Conway Stern? She slept with Conway Stern?"
"Apparently," Ray shrugged.
"Okay now I get why you spent all weekend looking at this," Mallory said as she looked at Conway Stern's pictures.
"It's addictive, isn't it?" Ray asked.
"I was skeptical but I can't stop looking at it," Mallory said. "Damn it! I should have thought of something like this years ago!"
"It's not like you don't have the material," Ray said.
"I know!" Mallory snapped. "That's the kicker!"
"Okay when you two start agreeing on things that's when I know something's wrong!" Lana snapped.
"It's just another day in this crazy soap opera that's our lives," Ray said.
"Our lives are not like a soap opera," Lana snapped.
"Lana," Ray gave her a look. "You're a former secret agent turned private investigator whose boyfriend is in a coma after being shot by his movie star lover. Who by the way tried to frame you of the murder of her husband that was interested in you in order to get away with a multi-million-dollar insurance scam."
"Well yeah but…" Lana began.
"And!" Ray interrupted. "Remember that Archer has had amnesia, been kidnapped by pirates, had multiple affairs with crazy women, has no idea who his real father is and has a mother that makes Stefano DiMera look like Mary Sunshine!"
Ray looked at Mallory. "No offense."
"None taken," Mallory said. "Joseph Mascalo was a great actor. To be compared to him in any sense of the word…"
"What the hell…?" Lana looked back and forth.
"Not to mention," Ray went on. "You work in an office where sex and backstabbing go hand in hand. Where alliances change on a dime. Plus, you've been in a lot of exotic locales as well as held hostage in a lot of exotic locales. As well as a lot of sexy shenanigans."
"And you tend to lose your clothing at the drop of a hat," Mallory added. "For example the Mexican Hat Dance incident at one of our Cinco De Mayo parties."
"Oh my God," Lana realized. "My life is like a damn soap opera."
"Just noticing it now, are you?" Mallory sighed as she took a drink.
"Like you noticed it?" Ray asked.
"I noticed it when I realized I was dating both a high-ranking KGB agent and another high ranking secret agent at the same time," Mallory groaned. "While on the run from a super gangster with yet another secret agent with amnesia and an eyepatch."
"Really?" Lana and Ray asked at the same time.
"I just choose not to obsess over it," Mallory told them. "Well that and I drink."
"Okay I found some potential leads for jobs," Cyril walked in with a small folder.
"Apparently, that's not all you found this weekend," Mallory quipped.
"Yeah too bad your dick can't make any money around here," Lana agreed.
"You had to tell them, didn't you?" Cyril snapped at Ray.
"Lana offered me a drink and a bribe of a hundred bucks," Ray shrugged. "What can I say? I'm only human. Mostly…"
"Technically…" Mallory began.
"You know?" Ray gave her a look.
"Seriously Cyril," Lana gave him a judgmental look. "In your office!?"
"Oh don't act all high and mighty with me!" Cyril snapped. "It's not like we did it in the broom closet! During working hours!"
"Burn!" Ray quipped.
"You're just mad because I had sex this weekend and you didn't!" Cyril snapped.
"Man has a point Lana," Mallory admitted.
"Did you have sex this weekend?" Lana barked.
"Burn," Mallory admitted.
"You just can't stand it when I'm happy can you?" Cyril snapped.
"I'd be happier if you actually did something besides a blonde!" Lana snapped. "And you wonder why I chose Archer to be the father of my child!"
"Oh, here we go!" Cyril threw up his hands.
"You have to admit Cyril," Lana said. "Genetically Archer was a better choice."
"Oh please," Cheryl said as she and Pam walked in. "You picked Archer because of his looks. And the fact that you weren't over him. Genetics had nothing to do with it."
"Uh technically it does," Ray said.
"Not in Archer's case," Cheryl laughed. "Because you know, hello!" She pointed to Mallory.
"You do realize alcoholism is genetic, right?" Pam asked.
"I do now…" Lana winced.
"Plus, you have no idea who Archer's father is," Cheryl said. "So, god only knows what's in that side of the family tree."
"Heart disease, dementia…" Pam counted off. "Alcoholism obviously…"
"There's a whole host of diseases that could be just waiting to come out of AJ!" Cheryl said. "For all we know, Archer's real father is an alcoholic insane autistic albino criminal mastermind!"
"Now just a damn minute!" Mallory snapped. "I'm pretty sure Sterling's father isn't an albino!"
"Pretty sure?" Lana shouted. "What do you mean by pretty sure?"
"There's an…" Mallory paused. "Eighty-five to ninety five percent chance that Sterling's father isn't an albino."
"What do you mean eighty-five to ninety-five?" Lana shouted.
"Okay maybe closer to ninety-five than…? What does it matter?" Mallory snapped. "AJ obviously isn't an albino! So, what does it matter on the very, very slim chance that Sterling's father might be one?"
"Wait hang on…" Lana did a double take.
"Having an albino in the family is the least of your worries Lana," Pam said. "Again, heart disease…insanity. For all you know Archer's father could be crazy like well…The Tunts."
"Or worse!" Cheryl agreed.
"There's worse than the Tunts?" Mallory was stunned.
"Say what you want about the Tunts," Cheryl began.
"Everyone else does," Cyril quipped.
"But at least there's no cannibals in our family," Cheryl said. "And a lot less incest than you think."
"How much less are we talking about?" Cyril asked. "On a scale of one to ten?"
"I dunno," Cheryl shrugged. "A four?"
"That's actually a pretty low number," Ray admitted.
"Said the Hillbilly," Mallory looked at him. "Who probably lived in an area where five and up is the norm!"
"Hang on," Pam said. "The cannibal thing. What about your uncle…?"
"That was never proven!" Cheryl snapped. "There were no witnesses. It really could have been a tribe of ravenous chimpanzees that ate my uncle's hunting partner on that African safari. Well there were the bearers but they either ran off into the jungle or got eaten too."
"Still a low number if there's only one," Ray admitted.
"One is all you need!" Lana snapped.
"At least we're not the Roosevelts," Cheryl told her. "Those people are crazy weirdoes!"
"Uh oh…" Mallory blinked.
"What do you mean by uh oh?" Lana glared at Mallory.
"Don't worry about it," Mallory said.
"When you say things like that I do worry about it!" Lana snapped. "What do you mean by uh oh? Because when you say uh oh, it's never a good sign."
"I just remembered a few things I heard about Len Trexler's relatives," Mallory winced.
"What kind of things?" Lana barked.
"Just a little insanity among uncles," Mallory winced. "And some quasi-incest."
"How quasi?" Lana barked.
"I don't know," Mallory shrugged. "A four?"
"Out of…?" Lana asked.
"I never got around to asking," Mallory shrugged.
"Mallory!" Lana shouted.
"Just a note," Cyril said. "There's no incest or insanity in my family."
"So in the insanity category you're the first," Pam quipped.
"You know…?" Cyril glared at her.
"For all we know Archer's real father could come from a long line of psychopaths!" Cheryl laughed. Then she looked at Mallory. "Oh wait…He's got that at both ends."
"You know…?" Mallory glared at her.
"Mallory please tell me there's no chance Archer's father is a psychopath!" Lana barked. "What am I saying? There's a huge chance!"
"Yeah there is," Mallory winced. "Damn it."
Cheryl had another thought. "For all we know Archer's father could be part Irish! And that makes Archer Irish."
"Irony calling line one," Ray quipped.
"Now that is…" Mallory then stopped. "Oh dear God that is a possibility!"
"I'm assuming there are some Irish relatives of Len Trexler?" Cyril sighed.
"That too," Mallory realized. "Damn it!"
"That does explain why she's treated Archer so badly all these years," Pam realized. "She hates the Irish and her son is Irish…"
"She subconsciously knew her son was Irish therefore transferring her hate to her son," Ray realized. "Yeah I can totally see that happening."
"Now hang on!" Mallory snapped. "I'm…seventy five percent positive Sterling has no Irish blood in him!"
"Really? The way he drinks?" Cyril asked.
"Okay maybe more like fifty percent?" Mallory groaned.
"Fifty?" Ray gave her a look.
"Fine! Forty-five!" Mallory snapped.
"Is there anything else I should be on the lookout for?" Lana barked.
"Uhhh…." Mallory paused. "Let's just say if AJ develops a unibrow or some extremely hairy arms and legs when she develops…It might narrow down the field for me."
"OH MY GOD!" Lana shouted.
"My DNA is looking pretty good right about now, isn't it?" Cyril snapped. "Good job picking a father Lana! Great choice!"
"Lana, you might want to invest in one of those DNA swab things," Pam suggested.
"I'm going to get every damn box that's out there and test AJ!" Lana shouted.
"What are you talking about?" Mallory asked.
"There are a few companies out there that can test DNA for a small fee," Cyril explained. "Just send in a swab of spit and you get everything from where your ancestors are from to percentages of having heart disease!"
"Seriously?" Mallory asked. "That's a thing?"
"That's definitely a thing," Pam nodded.
"I am definitely going to invest in those," Lana groaned.
"Are you two done torturing Lana and Mallory now or…?" Ray asked.
"We didn't come in here for that!" Pam scoffed.
"Although it is a nice perk," Cheryl agreed.
"We came in here because we had an idea," Pam explained.
"I'll alert the media," Ray quipped.
"About what we can do with the Figgis Agency!" Pam said. "We have a few can't miss ideas on how to turn business around."
"I'm saying this once and only once," Cyril said. "We're not turning The Figgis Agency into some kind of crazy porno slash prostitution agency."
Pam blinked. "Oh. Well then we have another idea…"
"Another stupid idea," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink from a glass on her desk. "Which is probably even more stupid than the other one."
"We become professional ghostbusters!" Cheryl grinned.
"I was right," Mallory grumbled as she took another drink.
"Paranormal investigators," Pam corrected Cheryl. "Not just ghostbusters! There's a difference."
"There is?" Ray asked. "This I gotta hear."
"Ghostbusters deal exclusively with ghosts and spirits," Pam said. "While paranormal investigators deal with all sorts of unexplained phenomenon."
"Technically Ms. Archer does deal exclusively with spirits," Ray quipped. "And honestly that's more than enough for us."
"Touché Gay Ray," Mallory raised her glass and finished it.
"Paranormal investigators deal with ghosts, aliens," Pam went on. "Interdimensional aliens, yeti…"
"Hang on," Lana interrupted. "There's a difference between aliens and interdimensional aliens?"
"Aliens implies that the life forms in question are from outer space," Pam said. "But from this dimension. Interdimensional aliens deals with all kinds of life forms from other dimensions besides our own."
"Your brain is from outer space if you think this agency is going to become the next X-Files!" Lana barked.
"You never know," Cheryl grinned.
"More like Sex Files with you lot," Mallory grumbled.
Pam said. "I mean if you think about it we do have expertise in the paranormal. With all the weird shit we've seen and been through. We've dealt with cyborgs, clones…"
"Robot clones," Lana added.
"Mutated clones," Cyril added.
"Mutated animals," Ray added.
"That weird dinosaur Krieger had for a while," Pam added.
"Killer man eating plants," Ray grumbled absently looking at his gloved hand.
"The robot dinosaur Krieger had for a while," Cheryl added.
"Mind control chips and shrink rays," Cyril added.
"Those other giant lizards Krieger had for a while," Cheryl added.
"Sentient holograms," Ray added.
"The Krieglins," Cheryl spoke up.
"You can't remember when you were the biggest country music star in the world but you remember that?" Mallory snapped at her.
"I was what now?" Cheryl blinked.
"Don't forget the aliens and Area 51!" Pam added.
"You and Krieger saw the aliens! We didn't!" Cyril corrected.
"But we were at Area 51!" Pam challenged. "And we did see the space pirates!"
"Technically the space pirates were human so…" Cyril corrected again.
"Yeah but they were still pirates in space!" Pam challenged. "I mean it counts right?"
"I guess so," Cyril shrugged. "Pam does have a point. We seem to have had more than our share of weird things that could technically be classified as paranormal."
"Yes! But we don't have to advertise it!" Mallory snapped.
"I have to agree with Mallory on this one," Lana said. "I admit we've had more than our share of weird shit in our lives. But actively hunting for ghosts and other kinds of monsters seems to be asking for trouble."
"Oh yes and it's been so nice and safe being spies, forming a drug cartel and running a detective agency," Pam said sarcastically.
"Honestly if you think about it," Cheryl said. "Becoming paranormal investigators is just a natural progression for the show."
"Cheryl as we keep telling you," Ray groaned. "Our lives are not a TV show!"
"Well not with that attitude!" Cheryl snapped. "Don't come crying to me when you don't get your own spin off."
"Look as much as I admit you two have a point…" Cyril began.
"In your heads," Mallory growled.
"Our agency has enough trouble as a regular private detective agency," Cyril said.
"Not to mention we attract enough kooks as it is," Ray snapped.
"Case in point," Mallory pointed to Ray, Cheryl, Pam and Cyril.
"Burn!" Lana smirked.
"Our agency was the laughing stock of the espionage world as it is," Cyril said. "I'm trying to reverse that opinion as a detective agency."
"Well I wouldn't call my agency a laughing stock," Mallory bristled.
"No," Lana sighed. "But everyone else did."
"Okay let's just put paranormal investigating on the shelf for now," Pam said.
"In the back room," Mallory said. "Where we can lock the door, and throw away the key."
"Oh damn it!" Cyril realized. "I never picked up Milton from the impound lot!"
"Cyril it's just a damn toaster," Mallory said. "Stop by one of those everything stores and buy another one! A smaller one that doesn't roll around everywhere spreading toast! Which attracts ants."
Just then Milton rolled into the room. He popped some toast out. "Oh, good boy Milton!" Cheryl cheered. "You found your way home!"
"How?" Cyril asked. "I never got to the impound lot. I was distracted with Debbie."
"Hey guys," Krieger entered the room. "The cops are here. Apparently, Milton escaped the police impound lot."
"How does a toaster escape from an impound lot?" Lana shouted.
"I'm not sure but he did," Krieger said. "And the police followed him here. You know? Because he's kind of slow. And left a trail of toast."
"Oh for the love of…" Cyril groaned.
"And apparently, Milton caused a few traffic accidents on the freeway…" Krieger scratched his head.
"MILTON!" Cyril shouted. Milton zoomed out of the room as fast as a toaster could zoom.
Cyril followed him. "I'm going to smash your stupid circuits you…Oh. Hello officers."
Mallory gave Lana a look. "And you always wonder why I have to micromanage you idiots!"
"Kind of starting to see your point," Lana sighed.