Title: Welcome to the Creepy House
Pairings: Everyone X Everyone. Possible Orgy... I'm not kidding.
Summary: AU. KH. M. HSFic. Crack Pairings. Serious Character Abominations. Pairing Reversals. Gender Bending. From Sora-Riku -- AkuRoku with many other pairings in between. (Got a suggestion? I'll consider it.) Soap Opera Style Drama.

Riku's just another fat kid covered in chocolate. Sora's your neighborhood nymphomaniac. No one know's Axel is really a man, and Roxas has...nekomimi and ever present sunglasses?! Everyone knows that love is already just one kinky disaster away from oblivion. And of course, what else could happen when the chocolate's all gone?

Disclaimer: Viewer discretion is advised. You may experience serious insanity from reading the below material... But fuck I enjoyed writing it! And of course Tetsuya Nomura is a 19yo girl who likens her/himself to a vampire. Didn't you know?

Note: Axel, got it memorized? Whoo, had to get that one out of the way before it crept into my plot. Sneaky bastard. YOU HELP NO ONE!

Welcome to the Creepy House
Chapter One: Just Another Chubby Kid Coated in Chocolate

Today, and every other day, the world revolved around "maybe."

XXX Welcome to the Creepy House XXX

Maybe if he didn't need glasses. .. Maybe if he lost a few pounds... maybe if he could play sports... maybe if he wasn't so damn short... Maybe, maybe, maybe. But the maybes never came true and reality took a big bite out of his ass. There was no way Riku would ever be anything but the fat chocolate kid. And he was. Maybe he wasn't obese, but it would take a serious imagination to envision a six pack. Maybe he wasn't the smartest kid in school, but his horn-rims made him look like a nerd. Maybe he wasn't short, just adored by gravity. Or maybe not.

Riku sighed and tugged on the hem of his shirt. It was nice that his school felt that students deserved an "identity"; read- no uniforms. Maybe too nice. Maybe it was nice to the point of being perversely un-nice. Either way, Riku just didn't feel the love. His belly didn't stick out that far, but it stuck out far enough so that no shirt ever lay exactly the way he wanted it too. All of his clothes managed to make him look like a rollypolly. And he daren't wear any sort of color; he'd survived one fruit-likening incident. A repeat was unnecessary. But all that black managed to do was make him look like a sort of pasty creepy kid. His hair color didn't help much either. If he wasn't compared to a short, round, old man at least once a day the universe would fall out of the sky. Maybe things would be different if he dyed his hair. Or maybe not.

Well. It didn't matter. It was time for school.

XXX Welcome to the Creepy House XXX

"Hey baby, want to hit the sack later?"

SMACK.

Tsk. Tsk. He wouldn't even rate her smack a ten. Her body? Maybe a six. But as long as six remained greater then five she was within Sora's dating pool. Or sex pool. Really they were synonymous. It wasn't his fault he had been born the proverbial sex-god; blame his mom. Subversively, it wasn't his fault that he took advantage of his innocent looks to prey on women. And men. Well prey is harsh, he made sure they enjoyed it too. And, even though Sora was quite the nympho, he made sure everyone knew up front that he wasn't in it for the long haul. If he broke a few hearts along the way it wasn't because no one knew what was going on.

"Why wont you go out with me?"

Sora looked a bit uncomfortably at yet another girl he knew all too intimately. She was pretty cute. Would it be so bad just to go out with her? Maybe she'd stop crying then.

Sighing, Sora ruffled a hand through his hair. "Sorry babe, but you wouldn't like it. I'm not in love with you, and you don't really like me all that much either. Don't worry, you'll find somebody else."

It was always the same. He'd sleep with someone and then they'd think they had some kind of right to him. How silly. He didn't think he'd ever begin to understand people's emotions.

BRING. BRING.

Ahahh, slamming his car door closed Sora sighed. Late for the first day. Oh well. Like his motto said, on time or never. And since he was already late...Laughing he jogged towards the ball field to catch up with his old friends.

XXX Welcome to the Creepy House XXX

Blonde this year? Axel had always fancied being blonde. Last year had been black, the year before brunette. And this was his senior year. Shouldn't he do something amazing?

Maybe he'd tell everyone he was a man.

Haha, no. That's a little too extreme. Looking down at the wigs alighting his vanity Axel bit a juicy lip in concentration. Hm... would blonde be a good idea? He didn't know if he had enough dye left for his eyebrows.

"MERR!" Axel twitched a bit at the sound and turned around, hissing.

"Youuuu--."

And there it was, the bane of his existence. Cat. A hideous tabby who had somehow grown attached to Axel. Almost like mold, or a deadly fungus. He hated the thing with the passion of a thousand suns, and somehow never had the heart to get rid of it either. Maybe it was a way to remind him that he was, in fact, a man. Maybe it was God's way of saying "Get your shit together or I'll turn you into the crazy cat woman in block C." Maybe he was really a soft hearted person under all the foundation. Or maybe not.

"OUT!" He screamed, and unthinkingly threw the nearest object. His best blonde wig.

Cat dodged around the flying dead cell mass and jumped to perch himself atop a dresser. His look clearly stated that he thought Axel looked ridiculous. Sidetracked from strangling the mangy stray Axel turned to look at himself in the mirror. He did look a bit odd, his face neatly made up, wearing a pair of form fitting jeans and a snug top over a padded bra. From the neck down he looked like a woman, but from the face up he looked like a...transvestite.

Sighing he leaned against the counter of his vanity. He'd worn girls clothes ever since he was young, feeling much more secure in them then in male clothes. He supposed it had something to do with his very red hair and very white skin. Afraid of being picked on he had found solstice in women's clothing. Throughout his life only a select few had known of his real gender, and he liked it that way.

"It's the confidence. I ain't got any." Sighing he ran a hand dejectedly through his hair and realized it had gotten longer over the summer...Longer? Taking another peek in the mirror Axel was shocked to find that his hair had actually grown down near his shoulders. Maybe..

"Perhaps we'll try red this year..."

XXX Welcome to the Creepy House XXX

"Are those... cat ears??"
"...Leather-?"
"He's kind of cute but-."
"No way! Look, he's got sunglasses, do you think he's blind?!"
"Don't be stupid, he's walking-!"

Well, really. Had he expected something different? He'd put the sunglasses on himself this morning. And the nekomimi...well... those just never came off. It was his shield. He never wanted to look anyone in the eyes, and with the way he looked, no one ever did. It helped that the only types of outfits that went with nekomimi and sunglasses were on the punkier side. So maybe he clanked a bit when he walked; he liked the chains. Maybe he looked like he had a bondage fetish, but he didn't. Maybe everyone knew it was all just a big joke to him; his faith in the human race was declining. Or maybe not.

It was more likely that everyone just saw a new transfer freak who looked like he'd walked off the cover of a rock magazine... with cat ears. Maybe somewhere in the bottom of his heart it hurt a little, but not much. Really he thought it was funny how only he knew that without his outer image he would have been labeled the nerd type. He loved to read, and he loved math, and art, and everything like that. Maybe this year he wouldn't pretend to be stupid and actually take off his sunglasses once in a while.

XXX Welcome to the Creepy House XXX

No, for all involved... this year was going just like any other. Maybe things would be different. Or maybe not.