Sometimes, I wonder how I get myself into the things I do.
I've always been a good girl.
No, not your average good girl, but better than the things I've done recently.
Two years ago, if you told me that I'd be doing drugs to take my mind of the fact that my life is completely fucked up, I would have laughed in your face.
But now, it's completely second nature. My mind hasn't really been working lately. Henry's the only thing that's been keeping me grounded.
I wonder how I'd get by without him. He's the one who makes sure that I stay alive, and even if I'd never tell him, I couldn't ever thank him enough. I love him for it.
These days, I think about how life would have been if Gabe hadn't died. What would it be like to have an older brother? What if I had always been an only child, if the whole Gabe thing hadn't happened? What would life be like it I lived a normal life?
Ha, that word normal has absolutely no meaning to me. NOTHING in my life has even been normal. My mom's always been on meds. At the most random times, she'd bring up Gabe. My dad would go crazy. He'd insist that she try and forget, or that she should go to a doctor and have him help her.
Of course she'd refuse and they'd go their separate ways for the moment, to make up later.
It was hard for me. To watch my parents go through something that I had no emotional attachment to.
They told me early on that they needed to forget my brother. So they had me.
Sometimes, I'd cry myself to sleep because of that fact. It just made me feel like they don't love me, which I know isn't true. They would tell me all the time how glad they are that I'm alive and well and with them. They told me how much they loved me, and how much I meant to them. Hearing that made me feel better, but I'm known to doubt things.
Now, my mom's gone and I'm leaning on Henry more than ever. I'm also learning how to depend on myself. There are times when I feel like I need Henry to cry on, but remind myself that I'm a strong woman, and I should let him sleep. Next time, if I felt the need to call him, I would. Sometimes being apart is makes our love grow stronger.
Being at home is calm. Really, my dad's taking it better than I thought.
Sure he now sees my dead brother, and is in treatment, but its okay. No more fighting about treatment, or Gabe. He's never mentioned really. It's nice.
It's not normal. No, it'll never be normal. But it's getting closer to that more than ever. I need a life that's next to normal, and to be honest, I've never really gotten that. It's nice to know that someday, I'll have my life under control.