A Jedi's Obligations
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Star Wars because it is all in the possession of George Lucas.
Characters: Obi-Wan, mentioned Anakin, Luke and Vader.
Genre: Angst/General (honestly, what else do I write?)
Warning for Ep III and IV spoilers. An alternative version of Obi-Wan in ANH, or it could be read as a darker take on his transition into Ben Kenobi. Hinted Anakin/Obi-Wan, but can be read as platonic. It's all up to you guys.
Too much good SW fic and gorgeous Anakin/Obi-Wan picspams from LJ are the cause for this oneshot. :)
"What have I done?"
You are a Jedi. You did your duty.
But it doesn't feel right. Not when justified by Yoda's wise words, and not as he accepts the grateful embraces of the few Temple survivors. Not even when he had stared the malevolent fiend in its sparkling, bloodthirsty soul.
"I hate you—"
"No, no, I—"
You did what you had to do. For the galaxy, for the greater good. For all of us.
"My duty… It was my duty…"
He clasps onto an empty sabre hilt, his worn belt, his coarse robes. He can see the scorch marks still; he feels the burn of fires and agony and fury caressing his limbs, swallowing him whole. Sleep gives him no rest for he has yet to adjust to his environment— nor has he accepted the significance of his new lodgings.
Or his new life.
Focus, Jedi. Your work is not yet complete.
"Jedi…"
You have to protect, guide and nurture this boy. He is the key.
Padme's cries creep through the haze; the infant's scream recoils from the walls of the birthing chamber and resonates within his ears. In the next moment, the boy is in his arms; his protests silenced as he rests within the warrior's large, muscular arms. Arms and hands that now seem useless. Like broken parts.
Small, glossy eyes hold his gaze, barely blinking as if to take in every inch of this big, mysterious figure. Obi-Wan knows what he holds is more than a precious child, and it stuns him that so much should rest upon one so young. One so innocent.
He is our only hope, the true Chosen One.
No, he doesn't want to hear that title, anything but those cursed words; it risks far too much. Desperate for peace, he gives himself to his obligations. He buries his burnt, bleeding, mourning self behind on that lonely, crumbling volcano.
Obi-Wan, watch over Luke, and when he is ready, teach him the ways of the Force and the Jedi, so that he will defeat the dark side.
He adapts to his new mission.
And by doing so, he surrenders himself to the dreary, forgotten sands of Tatooine.
Always up to trouble I see.
He finds no solace or amusement in the young man's dangerous antics. For all he knows, he's seen it all before, and many far worse than this. But Obi-Wan is concentrating; years of guarding from the shadows have led to this important day. The only thing that bothers him is that he isn't as thankful of it as he thought he would be. Or what he expected he should be.
He steps in just when required; promptly scaring away the scavenging Sandpeople and securing his charge to safety. Luke shakes his mop of blonde locks when he wakes, his eyes hazy and mysterious. All of a sudden, two different emotions hit Obi-Wan hard; the first a bittersweet tinge as he recalls the countless times he saved his Padawan from similar situations. But the other resurrects the sweltering devil eyes; the pallid, sweaty skin and the flames that danced upon it- things he can never forget.
But he takes the youth's moment of disorientation to collect himself, and seals up the cracks of his soul once more. He delves into his practice, his plan, his work—and it is the wise, old Ben Kenobi who greets Luke.
Rest continues to evade Ben Kenobi, though he has long become accustomed to it, and doesn't much prefer to relive his past every night anyway. Instead he spends the dreary hours contemplating how he would train Luke. But whenever he rises from fitful slumber, he knows that the plan decided upon the previous night would not do. In fact, nothing would do.
What a hopeless Master he had turned out to be.
Now you don't want this one turning out like the other one, do you?
No, no, he doesn't. No matter how much everyday punished him and drove him deeper into emptiness, the old Jedi Master would never let his past teachings overtake him. Ben Kenobi would do what he was required to do: teach the ways of the Force, the ways of the light side and transform his student into a Jedi Knight. But he doesn't let Obi-Wan out of his cage, and he doesn't let Obi-Wan become involved.
Attached.
No, he would never let it happen.
"I wish I'd known him…"
I wish you did too.
"He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior."
But Ben finds himself unravelling- simply by being in Luke's presence. He feels the familiar gaze once more, one of pure, untamed, boundless emotion. The boy looks up at him in wonder.
The old Jedi hurriedly collects himself, slipping back into his speech. The one he'd spent years forming, years memorising and an age to make convincing. He prays that the ability to shield is still within him, though common sense tells Ben that this Force-gifted boy wouldn't know the difference.
"I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself."
But he needs all the protection he can muster right now.
Later on when he's eased into introducing the lightsabre to Luke, Obi-Wan receives a jolt to his heart as his Padawan comes alive before his eyes. A young, baby-faced Anakin only reaches up to his son's elbow, but his enthusiasm and delight are far superior as his fingers glide over the grooves of his first lightsabre. Obi-Wan recalls the months of begging he suffered from the impatient child prior to this moment- how determined the young boy had been to grow up and learn to fight. At the corner of his mind a young, amused Jedi Master chuckles at the youth's reaction, and replies with another round of warnings.
A foolish, naïve and incompetent Jedi Master…
And when Luke swings his father's weapon, the pattern of lights join with Anakin's wild, ecstatic swipes, and Obi-Wan is sure that he will faint.
But when his student becomes aware of the time, and refuses the invitation to Alderaan, he breathes a sigh of relief despite his plans being delayed. A tug at his tunic leads him to a teary-eyed Anakin, pleading desperately; his master has been assigned on a brief mission but he cannot stand not being at his side, involved in the excitement.
"It's not fair! Why do you never take me with you?"
Obi-Wan doesn't need to turn around to know what his Padawan's form is now; several years have passed and his impatient charge has finally had enough of being left at the Temple.
"It is far too dangerous my young Padawan. You are to stay here and continue your studies, so that I can be assured that you are safe and not lost in an unchartered location in space."
"You don't want me to come… You always leave me behind!"
"That's not true Anakin, and you know it. The time will come when you can accompany me, but right now your job is to stay here."
Ben meets Luke's guilty expression. "You must do what you feel is right, of course."
"…alright Master, I'm sorry I yelled. But please…come back soon."
The past overwhelms Obi-Wan, and he can do nothing but be swept along its course. He remembers the importance of that mission, and how hard he had tried to make it the first after only three days he found himself standing before the Temple entrance once more.
It was an important assignment… the words spin around him, almost like a lullaby, but, Anakin…
he needed…
And Obi-Wan cannot forget, can never forget, how his early return had earned a lecture from Yoda and Windu. Their wise words, advice of thousands of years and generations of Jedi, passed through his ear and out the other. No attachment, they said, and Obi-Wan had apologised profusely and agreed never to do it again. He was convinced to obey their orders and never spoil his Padawan ever again. But that lasted only up to his bedroom doorway—as Obi-Wan saw the half-dressed youth, burrowing into his pillow and bed sheets, sleeping silently on his mattress.
Hours later Ben wakes from his hallucination to find his limbs shivering. The chilling gusts of the desert night course in from the open front door, the night in full bloom. The breezes wash over his sweating body, but it is many hours later when the roaring furnace in his chest finally burns out.
A Jedi cannot have attachments; they cannot be afraid to lose the ones they love.
Obi-Wan senses the imminent deaths as he rises in the morning, and waits for Luke to see his uncle and aunt to discover the horror himself. He prepares for the situation approaching him; a mournful, angry and sensitive Luke who might do anything in his untamed, emotional state. Instead Obi-Wan greets a man far more resilient and mature than his youthful years.
Luke's eyes glimmer and sparkle, but his gaze is steady as it holds the Jedi's. "I want to come with you to Alderaan. There's nothing here for me now…"
"I had to have revenge, they murdered my mother!"
"You killed an entire village of innocent women, children and men Anakin! For the one cruel man who tortured your mother, you decided to take all their lives, in the name of justice?"
"You just don't understand! …you never understand!"
"Come back here Anakin! We're not finished!"
Anakin, no…
"I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi…"
"You're always holding me back! You tried to stop me from saving her!"
"No Anakin! Listen to yourself!"
"You…you tricked me into not going to her! You knew she was dying, and you wanted to keep me here forever, like a slave!"
No… I wanted to help you…
"…like my father."
I…
"You took her; you took her away from me! I hate you Obi-Wan!"
I… I wanted to save you.
The intensity, the iron-clad determination Obi-Wan had fought against too many times; it flowed freely from the man before him. It was too strong, too much.
After he'd nodded in approval and ushered Luke back to his vehicle, Ben found himself grimacing. He couldn't understand why he felt so cold and bitter; after all this was the day he'd waited years for, the day that his true mission would start. Old Ben was completely puzzled at the overwhelming need to regret, to mourn, to cry.
But Obi-Wan understood.
Do your duty. For the Republic. For the greater good.
And he wasn't so sure that he could do it anymore.
He is trapped within his fitful sleep, slipping in and out of his dreams and nightmares until they all feel the same. The vague noises gradually form into the light banter of two knights; the older one initiating the playful teasing, and the other, newly appointed to his title, replying the remarks. Amid Obi-Wan's tense, aching muscles and his feverish movements, it is the significance of this memory that disturbs him the most.
The door to their usual rooms in the Temple slides open and Anakin's laughter is heard first.
"Well, I didn't realise it was that amusing."
"Oh, believe me, it was."
Upon reaching the lounge room Obi-Wan goes to the kitchen to prepare some tea, while Anakin disappears off to his bedroom. After several minutes of waiting for his friend to receive his cup, the Master goes to find him.
"Padawan?"
The familiar title comes out like second nature, and startles the both of them. For a second Obi-Wan flushes at his mistake, but recovers in time for Anakin not to notice. He sees him fumbling to hide an object in his tunic pocket, one that he had been holding in his palm.
"Yes, Master?"
He hesitates and turns to retreat from the doorway, but his former pupil's peculiar expression freezes him to the spot. The two stand in an uncomfortable silence, unsure of what to do.
"Um… Mast- Obi-Wan. I was wondering… what do I do with my braid now?"
The older Jedi gave him a look of confusion, mingled with concern. "You do whatever you want with it Anakin. It is yours."
"So… I can give it to someone?"
"Of course."
"Right."
Another eerie silence grew between them before Obi-Wan spoke up. "Is something the matter?"
"No… no, it's nothing. I was just wondering… if you—"
The beep of a comlink shatters their solemn conversation and the former Master breaks the eye contact to receive the message.
"Sorry Anakin, looks like I'm required at the Council Room immediately. Some emergency has come up, I suppose." Obi-Wan offers a kind smile before returning to his instructions. "I'm scheduled to be off in 30 minutes. Well, there goes taking this afternoon off."
The immediate surprise in Anakin's expression was oblivious to him, along with the vaguely hidden despair that followed. "O-Oh…already? But I just—"
"Yes, I'm afraid we'll have to postpone this celebration for when I return in a week's time. Now, I wonder where you put that new robe you stole from me…"
The older Jedi strolled off to his room to commence his preparation, leaving Anakin rooted to the floor, suddenly at a loss of words. Minutes later his despair churns down to a grim scowl as he tosses his braid into his drawer of unimportant things.
"… goodbye, Master."
Ben Kenobi jolts awake with his leg muscles cramping and his breath coarse. On nights like these, he never dares trying to sleep in fear that he might never see daylight again.
"You must feel it Luke, not see it. You must feel it coming through the Force."
Movement from the back of their cabin corridor on the Millennium Falcon draws Obi-Wan's focus from his pupil, and all of a sudden a teenage Anakin bursts out of the slide doors. His Master is hot on his heels and with another stern call of his name, the fuming Padawan turns to face him.
"Anakin, how many times do I have to tell you? Patience is a virtue, and in your case, a necessity!"
Anakin's bloodshot, twitching stare is back. "I've tried it five times already! I can't do it!"
Obi-Wan watches passively; he no longer tries to stop it but remains still, and allows the emotions and images fill him. He hears the irritation in his younger, less coarse voice. "Try again. Do you expect to be able to parry without practice?"
"But I've been practicing all week! I even practised when you didn't ask me to!"
Regret filters into Obi-Wan's system, and trickles down his chest. "Oh, it that so? Well then, why don't you show me what you've learnt?"
No… it's all wrong…
"I have been, but you keep cutting off my attack! That's hardly fair Master."
"What's fair, Padawan, is that the mastery of a lightsabre is earned, not bargained for."
It passes through his diaphragm, and swarms into his stomach. It nestles into his fingers and all the way from his nose to his heels. He feels sick; sick to his bones with remorse.
I was… all wrong.
"Not if you're good at it..."
"Do I need to lecture you again about your arrogance?"
Anakin's hurt from the remark is plain on his face, but the older man does nothing to comfort him. "No, no you don't… I'm only joking Master."
"Is that what you were doing when you yelled at me five minutes ago? For Force's sake, Anakin… have you not paid any attention or bothered to listen to a word I've said all these years?"
No… stop… I didn't mean it…
Obi-Wan jams his eyes closed, but the guilt is choking him, and the regret, the pain, Anakin's pain… "No, no I… I'm sorry Master, I lost my temper. It won't happen again. I'm so sorry…"
No… I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have treated you like this…
"Alright Padawan, I accept your apology. Now go back to our rooms, clean up and you can continue your History of the Republic studies for the rest of the day. That will be all."
I didn't want to be so cold, I only wanted…
"…yes, Master. But wait… uh…"
"Yes?"
…I'm so sorry.
"…you don't, you're not… not angry at me, are you?"
I'm so sorry Anakin, please forgive me…
"No, I'm not Anakin. Now go on."
Please, Anakin…
Resignation. The disappointment in the young man's quivering words echoes through the silent chamber. "…yes, Master…"
Anakin!
His eyes go misty, and the two figures disappear into the shifting fog. Voices begin to pound at his temples; he presses his palms to his forehead but the noises only surge and swell.
"You were my brother Anakin, I loved you!"
"I hate you!"
"Ben?"
Obi-Wan recovers fast enough to fake fatigue, and retires to his room. His body is frail and weak but he doesn't rest. Trembling fingers cover his eyelids, his callused skin burning against his chilled, pale cheeks. After hours of stifled cries and tearless sobs, he sits on the edge of the mattress in silence.
Ben Kenobi; a remanent of the forgotten Republic, is long gone and isn't coming back.
And the famous Obi-Wan Kenobi; talented Jedi, member of the Jedi Council, General during the Clone Wars and the 'Negotiator', has been dead long ago. He died that day on the molten lava and crumbling rock; resting beside Anakin Skywalker amid the remains of burnt flesh.
But Obi-Wan the human, the mortal—he remains. Subdued from the early years of his youth, and given no significance. But he can't be ignored.
He wasn't a Jedi Master anymore. He wasn't a warrior, or a teacher. And, as he realises, he isn't bound to responsibility and duty anymore.
Jedi must sacrifice for others.
He can't sacrifice anymore, for there is nothing left.
And he doesn't have to.
Because now Obi-Wan Kenobi is just a man.
"Vader."
"Obi-Wan Kenobi."
The two legends face each other, circling, lightsabres blazing. Threats are exchanged, thrusts and jabs are thrown—but the Jedi isn't in the battle. With effort, Obi-Wan reaches within; looking for the forgotten line of connection that had bound them together. It is weak and fragile but still intact, and so he pulses through it, sensing, reaching; searching for a response.
It is several seconds after his call and deadly silent when Obi-Wan feels a sliver of movement on the other side. A tiny voice, weak and almost childlike, whispers to him. The words send ripples through the dark, empty abyss.
Obi-Wan.
"What is wrong, old man? Forgotten how to fight?"
The Jedi smiles and takes one more glance at Vader, who is oblivious to his true intentions. Slowly he lets his eyelids rest. Yes, I've forgotten how to fight. But I haven't forgotten you, Anakin Skywalker. I never did… and I never could.
Obi-Wan lets go of his body and focuses on the threadbare bond, willing his words towards their recipient. You were always beside me, but I was too afraid to lean on you. I put my responsibilities to the Jedi before you and before me, because I thought I was doing the right thing. But I never should have done that to you. I'm so sorry Anakin.
In the end, after everything that happened, only you remained. You were what mattered. My duty was to be beside you… it always was.
So now, I will do everything I can to make things right again. I will be there for you Anakin, whenever you need me.
And with one swipe, one clean cut, Obi-Wan Kenobi was gone.