A/N - No beta, this just came to me after listening to some music. I blame Operaballerina for this. reviews feed my muse. thanks for reading :D (Flashbacks in italics and separated by breaks to show it changing)
You Can't Expect Me To Be Fine
Emma sat against the boulders at their campsite, watching the flames flicker and catch as the fire burned. She could feel Hook sitting next to her, his presence a mixture of anxiety inducing and comforting at this point. Regina was sitting by her makeshift tent talking with Tink while her parents were cuddling, again. Emma rolled Pan's words around her head. He was planning on hurting her parents, that much she was sure, she just wasn't sure how. And as angry as she still was at them, she didn't want to lose them. She could feel them watching her even now, watching for her to break she supposed, or just wanting her to let them in. How was she supposed to let them in, no matter how hard she tried to let go of that anger that simmered beneath the surface, she meant what she said; none of it changed that for her whole life she was alone. It didn't change that for her whole life she felt unwanted. It didn't change that if she told them even an ounce about her life growing up that they wouldn't understand, that they would probably join the ranks of people not wanting her because she was damaged goods. She chanced a glance up and caught Mary Margaret's eyes. They were full of longing and regret and a hint of fear. Emma let out a sigh and looked down at the coconut sitting between her feet. She could practically feel when Hook raised his eyebrow at her sigh. She felt his knee nudge hers and she looked up long enough to shake her head at him and to see his small nod before returning to her stare at the… well what the hell was a coconut anyway.
'Yea Emma, focus on the stupid coconut instead of the important things,' she mentally scoffed at herself. She wanted nothing more than to go for a run, or drink until she forgot her own name to block out the pain; but here she couldn't do either. Her mind decided that her being physically trapped was a good enough excuse to force her to think about why she still felt like an orphan, why she was so afraid to just take a leap of faith and belief. She closed her eyes as the memories bombarded her one after another.
Emma held the hand of the nice lady in the suit, her blanket clutched in her other hand. She watched as her mommy and daddy walked away from her. She had heard the hushed whispers about a new baby coming, she had been excited a baby brother or sister. But now here she was watching them leave her. They didn't want her. They kept saying how they were sorry, but they couldn't keep both of them. It wasn't until the door shut behind them that she let out a cry and tried to run after them. The lady in the suit scooped her protesting little self up and carried her down the long hallways to a room full of other children.
Emma sat on the curb of the library, it was almost dark out and she was still sitting here waiting. The librarian that had been helping her walked out after she locked up and smiled sadly down at her reaching into her purse to pull something out.
"Here honey, call home to have your parent's come get you." She said before she walked away leaving the 8 year old there waiting for this month's foster parent to retrieve her. Her parents, what a laugh; she didn't have any parents. She pulled quickly at the sleeves of the worn out sweatshirt, trying to make sure the marks on her arms were covered. Just as she finally got up to cave and use the quarter to try and call the house the beat up car showed up, her foster father looking angry already.
Here she was, thirteen years old, sitting at the principal's office waiting for her fate, her hand in her lap. She watched as the kid now sporting double black eyes walked away with his mother. She had heard the words: 'Don't worry, we'll take care of it.', 'We're just happy he'll be okay.', 'We're so sorry about this, don't worry we will deal with his attacker." as he was excused of any wrong doing in the fight. His taunting words still echoed in her head. 'Ugly duckling no one wanted', 'stupid orphan girl', 'no wonder you're an orphan who could want you.' She bit her lip to keep from letting the tears escape even now.
She hadn't thought she just reacted and hit him, and now here she was all alone waiting to be punished for defending herself, again. They had said they'd call her parents, and she had to bite back the retort that she didn't have any parents, she was an orphan. Little orphan girl Emma, that's all she was. She saw her foster mother coming in, looking upset with her, again. She slid out of her seat when she heard her name called, a last name that wasn't hers attached.
She was sitting in the interrogation room, seventeen and alone, abandoned again, when the officer came in to talk to her. She looked up from her perpetual stare of the table.
"You get one phone call Miss Swan," The officer said in a gruff voice. Emma shook her head at him.
"I don't have anyone to call, I'm alone," she said with a soft voice, sounding so much younger than she remembers ever sounding. She was alone and abandoned again, no one would ever want little orphan Emma.
She let out a sigh as she rested her arms on the counter, looking at the cupcake she bought herself for her birthday. She knew she was supposed to make a wish, but why keep wishing, they had never come true before.
"Another banner year," she said with another sigh as she closed her eyes and blew out the candle. She made the same wish she always made, to not be alone on her birthday. As she relaxed finally that day she heard a knock at the door.
Her eyes snapped open as the last memory left her. Henry, the one thing in her life that made sense. She had to get him back. Without him, nothing made sense anymore. She was going to have a custody issues with the Evil Queen; her parent's were infuriatingly optimistic and Snow White and Prince freaking Charming apparently. Rumplestiltskin was her son's grandfather, his son was the man who left her and made her take the fall for his crime. And to top it all off Captain freaking Hook was helping her find her son and trying to make her feel better this whole time. They were in Neverland chasing after a psychopathic version of Peter Pan with the aid of Tinkerbelle who was a fairy but not really because the Evil Queen had stopped believing.
She let her head fall back and thunk against the boulders, the pain barely registering. She could hear a muffle curse from beside her and something that sounded a lot like her name mixed in. She couldn't face him right now, he'd just see how broken she was and she didn't need that right now. She could feel all the eyes of the campsite looking at her after her head fell back and she sighed.
"I'm fine, go back to whatever it was you were doing." She told them with a wave of her hand. She wasn't about to tell them, that okay maybe it wasn't the smartest idea she'd ever have and that the back of her head was now tender, but it was missing the feeling that associated with blood so she assumed she'd be fine. From the scoff to her left she assumed that Hook didn't believe her but wasn't pressing the issue. It wasn't until she felt him get up and vacate his spot to someone else that she looked up to see Mary Margaret had taken his spot.
"Are you sure your fine Emma?" Mary Margaret asked her, searching her face for answers.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be? I mean it's not like I'm in a place that's supposed to be imaginary searching for my son who is being held hostage by a psychopathic teenager." Emma said with a scoff before she laid her head back gently this time.
"You can talk to me you know, you used to, before the curse broke." Mary Margaret prompted her.
"Can I?" Emma asked picking her head up again. "I mean after the curse broke you stopped being my best friend; you just went head first into trying to fit into this role of what you thought I needed as a mother. But in case you haven't noticed I don't need my mother right now, I need my best friend." Emma said as she shook her head as Mary Margaret opened her mouth to speak getting up. "I'm going to get more fire wood, or berries or something." She said with a dismissive wave of her hand as she marched out of the campsite into the jungle. She could hear the soft footfalls of Mary Margaret following her, which given that she knew the woman could walk without making a sound made it seem like she was trying to alert her to her presence. "I don't want to talk anymore Mary Margaret." Emma said over her shoulder, bending to pick up a log.
"Well tough because I do." Mary Margaret said in a strong voice causing Emma to turn around and blink at her. "You think you are the only one confused here? Trying to figure out how to make this work? Because honestly, I have no idea. I lost my mother when I was 10, then I got Regina for a step mother who barely spent any time with me when we were at the same palace. I have no idea how to be a mother, but I have to try because if I don't then we lose more than we already have. Don't you see that?"
"So what am I supposed to just forget everything that's happened?" Emma asked, her voice tired.
"No, you let us in. You let us try and be the parent's you never had in any way you want us. But you can't just keep pushing us away. You may still feel like an orphan, and that's our fault. But the only way you will ever stop feeling like that is if you start to let us in and start to forgive us, even just a little." Mary Margaret told her.
"I don't know if I can forgive you yet, it still hurts too much." Emma answered honestly.
"That's fine; I don't expect a few months to erase everything. But Emma I meant what I said back then. Even if then it was about Graham, it's still true now. Those walls of yours may help keep out pain, but they are going to keep out love too. Love with someone just for you and the love from me and your father. You let Henry in and look how much he's made your life better. You will never find your happily ever after if you keep those walls up." Mary Margaret told her with a sad smile.
"Happily ever after only exist in fairy tales and all those are, are lies to make us feel a bit better as kids." Emma responded with a bitter laugh.
"No, you're wrong. Happily ever after exists if you are willingly to fight for it, to believe in it. To take that leap of faith and trust that someone else is going to be there to catch you." Mary Margaret said as she shook her head. Mary Margaret knew she had to back off, and as much as she wanted to keep pressing until Emma let her in, she had to let her do it in her own time. She gave Emma a soft smile before turning and retreating towards their camp.
Emma sighed as she watched Mary Margaret's retreating back. There was a small part of her screaming for her to just believe what the other woman was saying to her. It was just so hard to let go of twenty eight years of pain. Henry was easy; he was all she could really handle. Yet no matter how much she sometimes wanted it to be easy, she was happy to have a chance at a family. To have a chance to learn what it's like to be wanted and accepted despite being so broken. Maybe tomorrow she would try again, see if she was ready. She sighed again as she picked up a few more sticks and logs. She had to at least come back with something; she didn't need to hear Regina's comments.