And, finally, the disclaimer you've been waiting for:

I don't own Naruto, I don't have any misconceptions about trying to profit from the Naruto franchise, and I'm doing this for the good fans [and teh lulz].

~S~

Rain showers the scorched earth.

Rain, that is, of blood.

The Kyuubi, in a swipe of its mighty paw, has gutted five ninja squads, sending a hail of spraying gore and warm red veno through the endless range of trees.

It growls, leaping from place to place whilst fending off its comparatively feeble assailants.

Well away from the frontlines, in a special chakra-camouflaged tent, the covert leader of Ne, Shimura Danzo, stands strategizing. Minato, charming philanthropist that he is, has been flinging squadron after squadron of jonin combat forces, chunin reserves – even the occasional squad of genin– at the demon.

The fool. Danzo's the war hawk, Minato's the war hero, and the village is thoroughly doomed due to a dashing young ass at the top of the chain of command.

Personally, the middle aged Shimura felt that he would love to kick this demon's ass back to its home in the shadows of the world, upstaging two generations of imbecility. The only hitch in this glorious chance at a comeback is split between three things:

The Kyuubi is a kitsune, a natural trickster and without a doubt sentient, despite its completely random activity.

Next is the fact that it's a fire demon; nothing in Danzo's personal arsenal could decisively counter such a force, as his summon would be useless, his "borrowed" wood manipulation would do absolutely no good, and he had blinkered his chakra affinity, focusing on his Wind Release (Great idea, Danzo; Why not just kick yourself a little harder, next time?).

Thirdly, the demon lord of all foxes, mightiest of the Tailed Beasts, is too big and too strong for even Danzo's extensive knowledge of kinjustsu and seals; not even his ace of aces can destroy or seal the thing, as it works only in a very personal radius.

The two idiots are absolutely stumped, and Danzo's hands are tied at the opportune moment. Excellent; the village is going to be the "Village Hidden Under the Corpses" before teatime tomorrow…

Not that dying for the village isn't entirely selfless and honorable- but uselessly dying? Not particularly impressive…

Danzo takes a quick breath in through his nose and huffs. He shakes his head; this isn't going to be a quick fix, nor is it possible for there to be a completely foolproof way of ending this problem without some unpredictable difficulties ("complications", as Danzo's infuriating rival would put it) arising. His slim hands clench into deceptively strong fists, though not nearly hard enough to draw blood.

The grizzled man snorts, turns on his heel, and walks out into the night, tersely swiping the cloaked door away.

One of his lieutenants abruptly appears before the covert commander. "Nodachi reporting in, Danzo-tono"

"Inform me of the declension thus far," the spymaster demands acerbically, "What else has gone wrong with this-"

The ululations of the enraged demon sound through the trees in an infernal wave, blowing more than a few pine trees bare of their needles.

"… histrionic nightmare…"

The masked operative gives pause.

"But, sir, the-"

Danzo silences the spy with a well applied look. "Allow me my pessimism, operative 37, it gives me comfort, not to mention my grip on idiot-dominated politics." Partially to himself, he adds " 'Preserving the Will of Fire', my grampa's liverspotted dick…"

The Ne operative continues on, paying no regard to his superior's bitter demeanor. "The casualties have increased by fifteen percent. The Nine tails has thoroughly routed the flanking maneuver perpetrated by the High Chunin Corps. There will be no reserves of the Regulars at the current rate of deployment, and the fox isn't being impeded effectively. Ne will need to intervene directly very soon."

"As I expected." The old ninja looks at the ground askance, as if it held some great revelation. "What use there in getting involved? We all die the same, whether by tail or claw or tooth, by wrath or fire."

Danzo turns to his subordinate, looking more like his age. "Nothing we do now will be of consequence. Now it's just a question of how fast we can run and how many of Konoha we can deliver from this massacre. Operative 37, go forth and gather the field agents. Do not report back here for direction, for I will have fled to within the village. I need you and your fellow operatives to preserve our people- our foundation. Now go."

The spy bows tersely, saying "As you command," and disappearing into the shadows.

Alone with himself, the old man stands without leaning, without buckling, like the very Foundation he'd built. Within, he wept- without, he prepared for war, gritting his teeth in hatred formed from zeal and incomprehensible love. He breathes in a tremulous gulp of blood-tasting air and begins to walk.

He finds the battlefield soon enough. Within thirty minutes, the demon had gained much ground. Blood runs thick through its vile, unnatural fur and gushes through its gnashing fangs. All about are the indescribable shreds and lumps of the honorable dead. Danzo feels even greater fury.

The grim veteran stands at the tree line at the edge of a steep hill and watches as his countrymen are ripped to pieces by the handful. As he looks on, a young genin he'd spoken to only three hours ago is gored beyond recognition.

He witnesses a team of three longtime veterans, old childhood friends and true warriors, be vaporized in hellfire in naught but a moment.

A squad of promising chunin are inattentively swatted aside by the madly writhing tails. Even so, only a few survive their fall with severe injuries. One had enough will still in him to drag himself over to his unmoving teammate to scream out in agony and despair.

Danzo punches the tree he stood by hard. He bows his head, growling and breathing through choked gasps.

"Fancy finding you here, Shimura."

The veteran turns slowly to face the young Hokage. "Minato. Your timing could not be more terrible. I should kill you"

Namikaze Minato meets the old man's eyes with some amount of remorse in his own. He stands there, less proudly than he had ever before, a three-pointed kunai in one hand and a fat cloth bundle in the crook of the opposite arm.

He sighs. "I've done fucked up."

Danzo looks at him with hard eyes.

"Tremendously so. People are dead now."

"War is as war does, Minato." The grisly general rasps, a dyspeptic expression dominating his visage, "What do you expect? Death is necessary. I've told you this for years. Apparently, you've forgotten that death comes to us as well. You have some gall coming before me now."

"I'm going to set things right-"

"The only thing to 'set things right' is either reversing the flow of events or killing you, both of which are actions I'd willingly take, given the opportunity. I hope you understand this. However, the village still needs some kind of a leader, even if your insipid grandstanding has singlehandedly murdered it and soused the Will of Fire in our contemporaries and generations to come. If any live through this, you will better serve them and the village to your fullest capacity, or I will take you with me to Hell."

The hokage shifts awkwardly, saying "I take responsibility for every death tonight. There's no excuse, it's true; I don't doubt your reasoning. I've come to make sure those many people didn't die in vain."

The bundle rustles, and a small noise issues from it.

Danzo stares at the young man hard. "You're going to sacrifice an infant to kill the demon? We condone sacrifice for the Will of Fire, but the sacrifice must be sentient and without any manipulation, psychological or otherwise. You are filth for even considering such a thing." The grizzled old man's hooded eyes harden further.

The Fourth blinks, shakes his head swiftly. "I know what you think I intend, I assure you it's not the typical sort of sacrifice-"

"How so, cretin?"

Minato starts somewhat comically. "That's a little blunt of you- and it's not the typical sort because this kid ain't gonna die or become deformed for it. In fact, he'll be totally fine, for all intents and purposes."

Himura Danzo softens his gaze a bit in his mild confusion. "A sacrifice without a physical or spiritual token? Usually that means that what's given instead is something abstract, like an emotion or an instinct. Other times it's less of an actual relinquishing as a sort of- No." The middle-aged man's eyes widen, and his posture becomes vulnerable in his disgust. "A sealing ritual? You plan to put that horror-"

"-in Naruto. Yes. But only half."

"Half? Half? Where's the other part to go?"

Minato smiles demurely. "Why… in me. I can take it."

The scarred veteran steps back. "You plan to take that thing inside your own soul? You'll die."

The youthful leader's smile doesn't waver. "Not quite- I'm trading off half of the rest of my lifespan and have already prepped my body for the ordeal. I wanna see this village through this nightmare, if only to know that it hasn't been turned to rubble."

Danzo tepidly returns the grin. "Took you long enough to get your head out of your ass. So what's the plan, lord Hokage?"

Minato looks past Danzo, to the beast. "I'm going to need you and the guys already in there to stall the Nine Tails long enough for me to enact the ritual to summon the Shinigami and seal it. That's about all there is to it."

The spymaster grunts in approval. "Hm. Simple, straightforward, room for improvisation; I like it."

"Good. Let's do this."

"By the way- whose child is this?"

"Oh? Oh, mine."

~L~

Forty three minutes later…

Danzo limps over to the weakened Yellow Flash, who is rocking his now naked son snugly in his arms. "How does it feel?"

Minato glances up, his eyes irises ragged with conflicting blue and crimson blobs. "Like a motherfucker. The demon's presence in me is friggin' oppressive. It's not really ignorable, either. The kid's got the better end of the deal; with his nubile and adaptable body, his physiology will have the chance to acclimatize. Me? I'm more vulnerable, less flexible. I wouldn't be surprised if I will lose control at some point, which is why I'm plannin' on getting the hell outta dodge- and office- as soon as some fresher dope makes an appearance to be the village idiot. I wanna live the rest of my life in peace, ya know?"

"What about the child?"

"What about him?" Minato spits, "I can't take him in! I'm going on the lam, and with a demoniac for a son and an already nicely checkered past, that won't be possible. The village is gonna have to do the raising. I'm gonna disappear- that means no ties, no witnesses, no proof. Fuck, he's not even a legit heir, so I can't do it, period. My rep may be a little crappy in places, but this'll just trash it to bits."

Himura Danzo's eyebrow quirks. "Oh, you were the busy little bed hopper, weren't you? Oh, well; what's done is done. Spread the seed far and wide, I suppose. Sow all fields available to you. Lay with whatever spreads its legs-"

Minato winces. "Those are some painfully old sayings, man. You act so damn old, ya know?"

"I've been old since I became a shinobi, so that says very little."

The worn-out champion of the Leaf chuckles dryly. "What I'd give for a peek into the future, just to know how things would turn out. Say, Danzo- how about you take care of this li'l bugger for the moment? You're a good, honest guy, when all's said and done."

Shimura Danzo's eyes take on an odd glimmer. "Me? With your son? I took you for Sarutobi's man."

"The ol' Professor got me up through the ranks and shit, but he's shown no real confidence in me as an equal. I look in his eyes and back stares a patronizing grown-up who wishes the best for his favorite kiddo. He thinks I'm stupid, or something, I think."

Danzo's eyebrow twitches. "I think that's all him and I agree upon."

"You wound me, sir backstabber," Minato melodramatically clutches at his chest, "But I think I can forgive you.

"But in all seriousness, man, I'm not gonna hand my kid over to some condescending weenie, even if it's the World's Smartest Weenie. Gramps is a lovey-dovey, mushy dude- I can somewhat relate to that, but I'm not old enough to be that sentimental. You? You're tough. You're mean. You're scary. I doubt this runt will get the chance to become some kind of weak-willed dipshit whose mind'll cave in after the seal begins to weaken. Naruto needs it. The village needs it."

"Don't you need it?"

"Fuck, man, I just said I was gonna split at the soonest opportunity; I'm not gonna lead an entire Ninja village when I've got a big hunk of big, badass demon in me. Nuh-uh; I'd like to live somewhere quiet, out in the middle of nowhere. Somewhere where I won't be the cause of more death and other tragedies."

Danzo remains silent. Namikaze Minato gasps and sags a bit, a small tear falling.

"Dammit, this wasn't how I pictured my life going. Thought I'd stick to being a cool teacher, doin' my thing. Get a girlfriend, maybe a family. Perhaps a bit of splurging in a couple of the brothels out near mission destinations. Not as far as this. Certainly not as weird as this. But I took my chances and kicked more ass than the guys around me, did some shit nobody else thought to do. And so here I am, cradling a baby bastard and containing a pissed-off animal demon whilst running an entire ninja village."

The spymaster scoffs. "Believe me, I'm just as shocked."

Just at that moment, a chunin appears from a break in the foliage. "Lord Hokage! Danzo, sir! The medic nins are coming shortly!"

Minato grins a bit, his cheeks still a bit wet. "Thank God. Maybe this nightmare will finally end."

The shinobi leaps back into the thick of the dark forest, off to see to other parties of survivors.

Shimura Danzo shakes his head gently. "You and me both, boy."

~S~

Hello again, readers. It's been a while.

For those of you who don't know, I haven't attempted Naruto fanfiction for some time. Why? Because both of my attempts were crossovers (one a potential super-crossover) that were never completed, fics I plan to restart and overhaul to become much better written works without even a hint of the dreaded action-script I was known for back when I got started…

And, please, don't remind me of my gay ass attempt at poetry, it still burns.

This particular fic isn't a crossover, although there may be nods to my previous works in this.

Another reason for not going ahead with this fandom is because of it is such an abysmal pit. Seriously, the Naruto fanfic corner on any site is where awesome goes to die, and do so painfully, horribly, and without a shred of dignity.

With such a breeding ground for thoughtless boobs, not to mention my personal support of Anonymous Reviewers, my fics have attracted the least helpful, least critical masses of the freaking internet. Honestly, all I get in my Naruto fanfic review mailbox is

"UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE OMG AWESOMESAUCENESS D00DORGORZ DESU!"

….

…Okay, maybe not as bad as the standard NaruHina smash hit, but still pretty bad.

The only worthwhile reviewers? Two dudes. TWO. And one of them was asked to do it by my compatriot, BooksandBubblegum, a person who didn't know anything about the Naruto universe and was a raging JL(not JLo) fan. The other guy was some dude big on stormtroopers. He didn't review either of my Naruto fics, but I'd thought I'd just bring him up `cause he was a genuinely awesome guy for making some suggestions and not caterwauling about a pairing or updating or some stupid crap like that.

So…. What restored my faith in Naruto fanfics? A Naruto fanfic. Namely, an extensive fic made up of short vignettes that ripped a new one for the retards of the fandom (who were spouting crap about NaruHina being THE pairing and/or harems being "SO hawt") and the fallacies of the anime/manga itself.

The fic? Returning the Pain, by insomaniac1, a non-career fanfic writer, who, up until about eight months ago, was a simple reader trying to pan for gold in the sea Adriatic. He still is, but is trying to spark some kind of reaction in the numb brains of the Narulemmings. Well, he finally succeeded; me, the second dope against the 50k+ NaruHinatard sagas that blot out the sun.

Well, as Dienekes so aptly put it, "Good; we'll fight in the shade."

So let's put out a challenge out to those Hyuchiacest twits with out own banner of awesomeness.

Starting with the second person [with a brain] to stand up to the clichés and failures of logic of Naruto (fanon and canon) and the teeming hordes of the NaruHina empire of Epic Fail.

Summary Translation: If you like bad writing, beat it; We're trying to be epic here. In a good way (2 free internets to the rube who gets this reference).