Feed Not the Lion Whiskey

Standard Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is the copyrighted material of "Square Co. Pte. Ltd.".

Personalized Disclaimer: My knowledge of Kingdom Hearts is limited, so the results are not perfect. Still, no harm in striving toward it.

"I BLAME YOU!"

So that was how the evening started, location being one of the old bell towers no one usually noticed around the place. Still, it was there, they were there, and some trouble was afoot.

"What did I do!"

"What did you do! What did you do! Cid Highwind, have you gone retarded! You know Sq - damn, Leon has a low alcohol tolerance!"

"So it slipped my mind! It was just one bottle!"

"One. Whole. Freakin'. Bottle," the short ninja suddenly looked a little taller and a little more intimidating as she shoved a finger in the older man's face. "I suppose you didn't dilute it with tonic?"

"...something like that..."

"Screw peace on earth and goodwill to men; you're going down!"

"Yuffie!" the flower girl cried out in exasperation as she reached forward and pulled her friend off the nervous Cid. "I'm not in exact approval of your language, but can't this wait until later?"

"Didn't you hear me down there? I said get out of the way; you're in my landing bay," a voice called from above their heads. Perched precariously on the edge of the tower's wide window, the one known simply as Leon got up and moved to the other side with surprisingly good balance for his condition.
"Come on; move it; I don't have all night...or morning...or afternoon...Whatever; out of my way."

Aerith paled. "Leon, hold it right there! Just stay calm and don't move another inch!"

"I'm very calm. I couldn't be more calm...er," came the nonchalant, slightly slurred reply. "I'm going to just lean forward, let go, and hey presto: all gone. I might even bounce a little or something, I don't know..."

"Squall, don't do this!"

"It's Leon. See why I'm driven to this? Some people just can't remember my name right...!"

"Ho boy, I sure hope you ladies have a plan on how to get him down from there..." Cid trailed off as he found two pairs of eyes boring into his person. "...what?"

Next thing he knew, he was being steered in the direction of the winding staircase.

"You started all this, Mr. 'Just One Bottle', so you go bring him down!"

"What! Forget it! I ain't no talker! I'm outta here until this blows over!" Spinning around sharply, Cid attempted to leave. Such attempt was cut short by both females once more.

"You get up there and show that man some freakin' compassion!"

Cid gulped audibly, uttered a quick "yes, ma'am," before scuttling up the stairs in a hurry. Never mind when Yuffie got a little vulgar, but if Aerith swore, he'd better oblige to keep his hide in one piece.

"So long, farewell! Our wiener dog will bite! My fish has died, so flush him out of sight...!"

The hell? "The Sound of Music" at a time like this? Plus, the lyrics didn't sound quite right.

Then again, this was Leon; hearing him sing wasn't a normal day occurrence, let alone singing something right. Confound the stupid alcohol.

"Lordy, my poor ears..." Cid groaned, rubbing at his temple.

The singing ceases, and Leon turned his head sharply as he squinted at Cid. "...that you, Ma Dincht?"

Cid gawked indignantly. "No, ya darn ninny, it's Cid. What's the matter with you?"

"Everythin's a little blurry..." Leon muttered, still staring groggily at Cid. "I think I got myself a little head problem; maybe a tumor or something; that would be fun..."

"Tumor schumer, you're just bloody drunk, you wimp! Now, get away from that window."

Leon's brows furrow. "Why? I'm going to jump from it."

"You are not," Cid retorts evenly.

"Yes, I am."

"You are not."

"Yes, I am."

"You. Are. Not. The. End."

"Why would you care, anyway? Why would any of you care if I took a flying leap out this window and left a couple of stains for the Heartless to lick up? None of you like me; you just think I'm an ice block with no feelings."

"That's not true! We really...um..." Cid coughs mid-sentence and clears his throat. "Yeah, we all really...like you. Uh huh. Yep. We do."

Leon adopts a skeptical look. "Convince me."

Two words, and the man sputters. "Well...um...uh..."

"...Cid..."

"Shut up and let me think! Um...well...Ah, I think I got it! ...No, wait, maybe not..."

"I'm waiting."

"...Okay, okay, I've got it this time...uh...Yuffie! Yes, that's it! Yuffie's a great example of someone who likes you! She hangs around you all the time, calls you 'Squall' all the time just to get on your n-e-e-e-e-e...never mind." Cid cleared his throat again as Leon's expression seemed to darken momentarily.
"Um...oh yeah! There's Aeris! She's nice to you, too! She's nice to everybody, but that's not really the point... Cloud! Yeah! You two were partners, right? That means something; if Cloud was your partner, ya gotta be more than just that cold, aloof chunk of ice and... Okay, maybe not. Oh, wait, wait, wait! That Sora kid! You remember him! The one who beat the shit outta...ah, never mind that one either."

"Are you finished?" Leon had taken on a rather quiet, solemn look upon his facial features, watching Cid carefully.

"...Somewhat, yeah."

Leon did not pause as he turned around and started to stand. "Clear the landing zone; here I come!"

"NO!" the girls below shrieked in panic.

"Cid Highwind!"

"Do something, you old fart, or we'll stick your head on a spike and give it to Hades as a souvenir!"

"Ho shit! Squall Leonhart, either you get down from there like a sane man or Lordy help me, I'll join you!"
Cid lunged forward and tackled Leon, sending both of them flying forward - earning terrified screams from the two-member audience - before Cid's boots hooked onto the edge and held them there, dangling and swaying a little from the perch.

"Freakin' bloody cold out here..." Cid growled, trying not to panic from the promised sheer drop to the bottom.

"My head hurts..." Leon muttered drowsily.

"Aw, shut your hole, ya ninny..."

All Cid got for a response was what sounded like a soft snore.

So much for an anti-climatic climax.

"Grrgh...what the hell..."

"Hangover medicine?"

"Whatever," was the curt reply, as a distinctly uncomfortable Leon took the pills and water from Cid's outstretched hands. Popping the pills into his mouth, he washed them down quickly with the water before coming up for air. "...I feel like someone threw me off the top of a bell tower..."

"Close enough," Cid muttered.

"Huh?"

"Nothing. Oh, and by the way, take this."

Leon reached up just in time to catch the shovel thrown in his direction. "...?"

"Next time I offer you anything from my secret whiskey stash, drag me outside and bury me in the yard."

Cid waved and trudged off toward his garage, leaving a clueless Leon outside to figure out what was going on for himself.

END.

Darn, could've sworn it was funnier when I first thought of the idea... sigh