i don't own harry potter

We walked through the park silently. James Potter held my hand tightly as he pulled me through the seemingly endless twists and turns of trees.

"James, please tell me where we're going," I begged him for the thousandth time.

He chuckled and stopped walking and turned to face me with a smirk on his handsome boyish face. He had brown hair that was perpetually messy. His dark brown eyes glinted as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into his chest. "After a year and a half together you're still questioning my motives?"

I smiled and rested my hands on his chest. Looking up at him I said, "Forever and always James."

He chuckled and kissed my forehead.

"James," I questioned.

"Yes Lily."

Suddenly I felt nervous, I could feel blood rushing to my face and my hands were beginning to feel clammy. How could this be happening? I had sworn to myself every year we had attended Hogwarts that this would never happen.

Yet, here I stood with James Potter. His arms holding me tightly and his eyes filled with concern at my sudden silence.

"Lily…," he said my name hesitantly and I wondered how much he could read on my face.

"I can't do this," I whispered so quietly I wasn't sure he would actually hear.

He stared at me. All the color had drained from his face. He shook his head back and forth quickly as if trying to wake himself from a bad dream.

After a long silence he simply said, "No."

"James," I started pulling myself out of his grip, but he quickly cut me off.

"Damn it Lily, you are not going to do this to me," he said angrily. "You are not going to throw away everything we have. We've been together a year in a half. I've loved you since I was eleven years old! Where is this even coming from?"

I could feel tears prick my eyes as I shook my head. I took another step backward. It put a good foot of space between us, but I felt more like miles. Like I had created some unbridgeable gap.

"This is what needs to happen James. We can't keep pr-pretending this is going to work. I hated you for six years and all that time you built me up into this person that I can't possibly be. I will never be the girl you imagined all those years; it's just not fair to you to-"

"Don't," he cut me off. His expression had become stormy, his eyes furious, but behind that was the pain. I could see the agony I was causing him, the disbelief. I hated myself for putting it there, but what else could I do?

"Don't pretend you are doing this for me," he spat. "If you're actually going to break-up with me at least have the guts to tell me why."

I winced at his statement. It was like a slap to the face, but I deserved it and I preferred the anger then the pain and sadness.

He continued on saying, "For the love of Merlin Lily. Don't I at least deserve a reason, haven't I at least earned that much. Or are you just going to throw me aside like-"

"It's because I love you James," I screamed breathlessly. As I realized what I had just admitted to him for the first time I felt sick. I loved him. I loved James Potter. I loved him so much it hurt. And as I looked at his shocked face I wondered if I was actually making the right decision. Maybe I had been rash. I had certainly acted on an impluse, but this had to be the right thing to do, right?

James took a step toward me trying to close the gap, but I took another step back.

"Lily," he begged. "Lily I don't understand."

I felt the tears finally begin to fall freely down my face as I cried, "I love you James, but I-I can't do this. The Dark Lord gets more powerful every day. And I know you want to join The Order and fight and I want you to because I do too, but what happens when you don't come back someday? When you go off with Remus and Sirius and Peter to catch a couple of death-eaters and only the three of them return with the news that you got hit with a killing curse?

I can't keep pretending my chest doesn't constrict every time you step out the bloody door. Every minute we aren't together it feels like I'm holding my breath. Imagine what that will be like after another year. After we got married, had kids. I won't do that, I can't."

James had listened wordlessly to my whole rant. Now to my surprise there was a ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. He sighed and ran a hand through his already tousled hair.

"I don't remember saying anything about marriage. I especially don't remember talking about kids," he finally said.

"Is this all just a joke to you?"

He rolled his eyes and replied, "You know perfectly well it's not Lily Evans." He sighed again and finally said, "Lily I love you with every fiber of my being. And although I could go on for ages about what you mean to me you already know. What I can't believe is that you don't know how scared it makes me. I thought you knew how much it terrifies me that we're together during this war.

Merlin, the thought that someone could use you against me," he stopped his hands now clenched into fists. He closed his eyes and tried to compose himself. After a few seconds he continued, "Do you know why the fear is worth it? Because if the day ever comes where I'm standing with a wand pointed between my eyes, I want to remember nothing but you. I want to stand there knowing that we were together and happy despite the fear because if you do this right now, he wins. Then we are letting him take away the things that make us happy. You're stronger and braver than this Lily and if you think I'm going to let you go without a fight, than you're bloody mad."

It was my turn to stare. Thoughts raced through my head. The uncertainity of my decision was beginning to turn into a sliver of regret. Why had I even tried fighting with James, especially over this matter. When it came right down to it I had two options. A life with James or a life without him.

The fear would haunt me no matter which path I chose. I closed my eyes and felt my entire argument deflate. Suddenly I felt familiar hands take my own. When I opened my eyes James was staring at me. His eyes still held a sliver of fear, of doubt.

He suddenly chuckled and asked nervously, "Have a bit of a panic attack there, love?"

"James," I said hesitantly.

"Lily, you're not going anywhere. You and I both know that so please stop fighting me," he replied as he lifted up my right hand and kissed the back of it.

I sighed at his touch and tried again, "James-."

"Lily," he murmured as he pressed his forehead to mine. He rested it there for a moment before kissing the edge of my jaw. His lips moved deliciously from there to a sensitive spot just below my ear.

Trying to regain control I stammered, "Ja-James." His lips were moving down my neck now. Much to my horror, a small whimper escaped my mouth as his lips found a spot just below my jawline.

Swiftly, I freed my hands from his and took his face in my hands forcing him to look at me. "James, I love you," I said.

I expected a smirk and some sort of comment about him knowing it all along, but instead he slid one arm around my waist and tangled the other in my hair. He kissed me softly and sweetly and then rested his forehead against my own.

"Say it again," he requested.

He had told me he loved me thousands of times, but this was new for him. I wondered if he had begun to doubt that I would ever really say it.

I kissed his cheek and whispered, "I love you James Potter."

Kissing me warmly he said against my lips, "Forever and always."

Yup. So I'm like 99% sure this is gonna be a one-shot.

Wrote it well I watched the royal wedding so if it's a bit sloppy that's why (btw I loved Kate Middleton's dress).

So, I feel like this is kind of messy. It's like i had all the pieces and just sort of threw it together and this is what came out. Hmmm. So critisism (not the mean kind) is welcome. Advice is always appreciated.

Anywho... hope you at least enjoyed it a bit.

As always, please review. They're incentive to keep writing. :)