I seriously could not resist writing this. :$ It sucks a little, but I'm working on it..
Disclaimer: I do not own Sweeney Todd, Escape the Fate lyrics, etcetera, etcetera...
(Camera closes in onto a boat with 2 men aboard, one a ratty looking feminine twerp, the other, a wannabe skunk.)
Anthony: It's so purdy. I just want to capture the whole city into a little moth jar and keep it atop my window-sill.
Sweeney: I say we burn it.
Anthony: (Girlish yelp.)
Sweeney: Seriously the weather in this place is horrific. Does London skip the sun's rota or some crap?
Anthony: Darkness gives me the fuzzies, Mister T. (Puppy dog eyes)
Sweeney: Here's a happy meal and an appointment for the local counsellor, NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT YOU NAIVE MOLE.
Anthony: But that would ruin the entire script and we will never get to embark on those wonderful adventures- Oh wontcha look at that, Mister T, we're here! Do you reckon they have a souvenir shop?
Sweeney: Why can't you be the way I was when I was your age? I mean seriously, man. Have you ever been laid?
Anthony: Heh?
Sweeney: ….laid.
Anthony: By accident. Once. With an alpaca.
Sweeney: You might want to get a doctor for that. You have to learn my ways, son. Streak your hair, put on a brooding frown, and wear excess eye-liner, makes the women swoon, it does.
Anthony: ...But I like men.
Sweeney: Sweetie, to get the men, first we have to get the women.
(Flashback.)
Benjamin: Lucy, baby, you make me feel oh so alive, I got purpose once again!
Lucy: o.0 (twitch, twitch)
Benjamin: C'mon babes, I got the hottest chick in the whole of London! Why wouldn't I have reason to sing?
Lucy: Do not use such vulgar language in front of the baby!
Benjamin: That's not what you said last night! She was in the same room as us!
Lucy: ….I do not know you.
(A creepy looking Judge with tight pants strolls along with his greasy minion.)
Turpin: (Drool.) Words cannot fathom the amount of things I want to do to that sexy blonde.
Beadle: My Lord! I am truly flattered!
Turpin: (Face-palm.) Her. There. With that man who I am soon going to arrest for being in such close proximity with that babe.
Beadle: But, my Lord! Surely you can find another way-
Turpin: DO YOU REALISE HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE I HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN?
Beadle: Why was the clarification of "with a woman" needed at the end?
Turpin: No reason. (Shifty Eyes.) Now go fetch me my future rape ragdoll.
(Beadle snaps his fingers and two policemen appear, seemingly out of thin air. They stroll over to Benjamin in unison and smack him around the head with a crowbar.)
Lucy: (Blank face.) Okay, bye then, I shall not cry, nor protest. My husband is being dragged away and I will never see him again. But that's alright, I have a peculiar looking tight-trousered man to use as my new eye candy. Oh crap, he's coming this way.
Turpin: Heeey baby.
Lucy: MY VIRGINITY IS ALREADY TAKEN.
(End flashback)
Anthony: (Starts tearing up.) I...I...I FEEL FOR YOU MISTER TODD!
Sweeney: (Pats Anthony on the shoulder.) Alas, she is gone, but I plan to track her down and relive our beautiful, unmentionable pre-marriage moments.
Anthony: 0.o
Sweeney: (Kinky wink.)
Anthony: Will I ever see you again?
Sweeney: Oh! Ah. Crap. Well I'm thinking of moving to India, y'know. I'm currently loving the turban look. So if you go catch the next boat which is leaving in precisely three minutes, you'll see me around some time! But I definitely will not be around London. At all. Any time soon.
Anthony: Okay! (Extends arm)
Sweeney: (Dismisses outstretched hand.) Goodbye, young Jimmy.
Anthony: 'Till next time!
(Sweeney walks away with a fake smile and turns his back away from Anthony)
Sweeney: If he dares come looking for me I will slit his throat open and gauge out his eyeballs with a spoon.
(Sweeney walks in a brooding manner, keeping his head down low, making his way through the crowds.)
Sweeney: What do we have here? Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies? Why does that ring a bell? Ex? No. Stag night stripper? No. Hmm, if it's neither of those it can't be that bad. (Shrugs.)
(He pushes open the door and his jaw flings open at the woman in front of him.)
Sweeney: (Gasps.) You!
Mrs. Lovett: Me!
Sweeney: It's you!
Mrs. Lovett: It's me!
Sweeney: Shut up, woman. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Mrs. Lovett: Excuse me? This is my shop! Wot do ya mean, wot am I doing 'ere?"
Sweeney: IT'S LIKE ALL MY NIGHTMARES ROLLING INTO ONE. (Stumbles around foolishly and grabs for the door handle.)
Mrs. Lovett: ..?
Sweeney: I can't handle this! (Faints.)
-3 hours later-
Sweeney: (Twitch, twitch.) Gah! ….Where am I?
Mrs Lovett: That was the best 3 hours of my life...
Sweeney: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?
Mrs Lovett: It's okay dearie, I was just cradling you against my bosom until you awoke, I believe you were calling out sexual noises more than once.
Sweeney: You lie.
Mrs. Lovett: The bosom never lies.
Sweeney: (Briefly glances at Mrs. Lovett's bosom.) So! What the heck am I doing here, woman?
Mrs. Lovett: Because I can offer you many great things.
Sweeney: I am not having sex with you.
Mrs. Lovett: Oh. Well. Would you like to see something shiny?
Sweeney: Is it something pretty?
Mrs. Lovett: It's very pretty.
Sweeney: Then lead the way, oh mystical woman with truth-telling bosoms.
(Mrs. Lovett drops Sweeney to the floor and takes him outside, he follows her up a set of stairs on the side of the building, into a barber shop.)
Sweeney: My excitement senses are tingling...
Mrs. Lovett: That's lovely dear, now come through here.
(She pushes the door open leading them into a room, she taps at a floorboard and lifts out a box.)
Sweeney: Does that contain the pretties?
Mrs Lovett: It does indeed. (Hands over box.)
Sweeney: (Snatches box away from her with a look of adoration on his face.) Is it my birthday?
Mrs. Lovett: If you want.
Sweeney: (Squeals and lifts open the box.) Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
Mrs Lovett: Yes?
Sweeney: (Takes a shiny razor from the box and holds it to his lips, lowering his voice to a ghostly whisper.) My precious...
Mrs Lovett: Are you that Benjamin Barker, by any chance?
Sweeney: No! I am the Queen of Sheba, you dip shit.
Mrs. Lovett: Oh. That's good then. Because that Barker was a right twit. Though he was very sexy. Almost, a little too sexy.
Sweeney: 0.o ...So, who is this mysterious sexy Mr. Barker you speak of?
Mrs Lovett: Oh just this guy with some hot wife and he was a total twerp who wouldn't notice me even though I would flash him my ankles EVERY GOD DAMNED DAY. And his wife was a twerp as well, but then he got transported to Australia to live with the kangaroos by this Judge Turpin who currently has the hots for his sixteen year old daughter. Then his stupid little wife was all emo after the Judge raped her at some drunk masked party, and then started getting really whiny and eventually took some arsenic, then, BAM. SHE FALLS TO THE FLOOR.
Sweeney: (Grimacing.) …...Sucks to be him.
Mrs. Lovett: Can you stop fondling my shinies already?
Sweeney: GET AWAY FROM MY SHINIES, BIATCH.
Mrs. Lovett: Suit yourself, grumbleweed.
Sweeney: MWAHAHAHAHA, AT LAST, MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN.
Mrs. Lovett: ...Are you sure you're not related to Barker in any way?