Valhalla outpost number 1
Time unknown, likely day
Donut, Grif and Simmons stood together outside their base.
"And then Junior ate the Xeno-queen's eggs. Oh man, you'd never believe all the paperwork we had to do after that incident!" Said Donut in his permanently over-cheery tone.
"Fascinating." Said Grif in his permanent sarcastic tone.
"Wait, you killed royalty?" Said Simmons in his permanent ass kissing tone.
"Oh yeah! The guards were really angry with us too but luckily Wash could handle them while we escaped."
"And your going back to that job?" Asked Simmons, mostly out of disbelief.
"Yup! Someone's gotta be the ambassadors for humanity!" Said Donut. "Man I'm really gonna miss you guys. I wish I didn't have to go right now. Hey! Maybe I can get command to extend my stay-"
"No!" They shouted in unison.
"I mean, the universe needs you to...ambassador! And stuff." Said Simmons.
"I just don't want him around."
"Oh Grif your such a kidder!" Donut said. "Well, I better go say goodbye to Sarge and Lopez. I'll see you at the teleporter!" Donut then walked off up onto the higher level of the base.
"I don't believe it!" Shouted Simmons. "How-why did they pick him! He's so incompetent! He can't do anything!"
"He DID kill Tex." Said Grif.
"No he didn't! She's an AI remember?"
"Well he would've had she been alive. And he got the flag that one time."
"He didn't know he got the flag! It was a prank!"
"Still got it."
Simmons let out a yell.
"Simmons!" Shouted Sarge in his authoritative tone from above. "Quiet down! I'm saying goodbye to the best god dang soldier in Blood Gulch!"
"We're not even in Blood Gulch anymore!" Shouted Simmons.
"Calm down dude. Why is this such a big deal to you?" Asked Grif.
"Because I've been kissing ass for years and I haven't gotten a single promotion!"
"Neither have I."
"It doesn't matter to you like it does to me! And yes you did! Your a Sergeant! Why are you even here!"
"What do you mean? Go get my own squad? That sounds like an awful lot of work."
Simmons shouted once again. The shout went unnoticed by Sarge congratulating Donut at the teleporter.
"Look at you! Private Donut now a special forces! I knew you were destined for greatness, you had spunk! Always volunteering for jobs no one else wanted. Laundry, cooking, vehicle maintenance."
"that reminds me, you have to put a pound of baking soda in the wash with the clothes. Otherwise you'll never get the fat cakes out of Grif's uniform."
"Lopez!" Shouted Sarge. "Say something nice to Donut."
"Se trata mis máquinas con respeto y no me grite. No te odio por completo. Cuando tomo el mundo tu muerte será rápida. " Said Lopez in his mechanical tone.
"Simmons, Grif!" Shouted Sarge. "Get up here!"
Grif and a still upset Simmons joined Sarge and Lopez atop the base. Lopez had built a teleporter to take Donut to the ship where he would meet up with the rest of his team. Red team was together for the last time. Donut wasn't coming back.
"Everyone say goodbye to the best soldier in Blood Gulch!"
Simmons gritted his teeth, and made a sound so everyone knew.
"By Donut. Thanks for giving all your cigarettes. And rations. And candy. And for making Simmons so angry." Said Grif in a surprisingly happy tone.
"Ah it was nothing! That stuff goes straight to my thighs anyway."
Through gritted teeth, Simmons said goodbye. "Goodbye...Donut."
"Ah goodbye to you too Simmons! I left my workout tapes in your bunk, you look like you could use some toning."
Grif stifled a laugh as Simmons yelled in his helmet.
"Ah I'm gonna miss you guys. C'mon group hug!"
"No." Said Grif and Simmons in unison.
"Ah C'mon!"
"Simmons Grif! One of you two hug Donut now! That's an order!"
"Not It!" Shouted Grif.
"Wha-"
"Simmons hug Donut!"
There was an expression of hatred and confusion on Simmons face, which no one saw. On account of, y'know helmets.
Simmons begrudgingly walked over and put his arms around Donut. "There you go! See, once you start using the tapes you'll be able to hug like an anaconda!"
"This is the single greatest thing I have ever seen in my life." Said Grif.
"bandidos a tope. " Said Lopez.
Suddenly, the teleport lit up and seemed to reach out and grab Donut and Simmons, teleporting them in a bright green light.
"What just happened?" Asked Grif.
"By golly miss molly!" Shouted Sarge, apparently stumbling onto the answer. "The teleporter grabbed Simmons and Donut out of thin air!"
"okay...why?" Asked Grif.
"Don't know. Obviously command needed Donut so badly they couldn't wait! But Simmons was giving Donut his goodbye hug-" Grif stifled another laugh "so he got sucked through as well! C'mon Grif we're going to go get Simmons back."
"What! But we were going to have today off to think about how much better then us Donut was! You told us we were to sit down and think about why Donut was getting promoted while we weren't by not doing any of the things that got him promoted!"
"It'll have to wait until after we get Simmons back. Lopez! Watch the fort and protect it while we're gone."
"Proteger contra qué? Los azules están en misiones de su embajador. Los mismos Donut va a. Usted sabe cuál es su enviarlo a luchar con el blues ¿no? Su google usando sólo traducen a leer esto no es usted? Y las coordenadas de la telelporter cambiado, tu vas a una especie de planeta de hielo. No sé lo que vas a encontrar allí, pero es probablemente la muerte. debe informar de comandos antes de salir. No puedo sin su orden. " Said Lopez.
"Good luck lopez! Keep up the good work!" And with that Sarge and Grif jumped into the teleporter, unaware of where they were heading.