Bruises littered her once fair skin. Her body was even thinner than when she had entered and her eyes stung from the bright lights above. Ever since she had arrived at the Ministry of Love she'd been alone and beaten at odd times. During these times she had confessed everything. Her many affairs, her thefts, her thoughts, and the feelings she hid from even herself, deep in her heart.
Her empty stomach had been hungry once but after being in the cell for so long it had stopped mattering. Her entire being hurt. So what if she was hungry? The rest of her body was damaged and beat beyond recognition. Winston probably wouldn't even recognize her.
At the thought of Winston, the door of her cell flung open and Julia cursed herself. Every time she thought of him more torture was brought to her. It happened so often that Julia was sure they were monitoring her thoughts.
In came the figures in black, their clubs raised. Julia barely had time to curl into a ball before they began to pound her. Over and over again she felt the pain until it all blended together into just one simple horror.
She was going to die here. That much was clear. The only question was how long was she going to last?
At that thought, the door opened again and a tall old woman walked in. She had gray hair pulled into a tight bun and a sharp suit. It was Miss. Penny, her neighborhood leader for the Junior Anti-Sex League. This was the woman Julia had hated with a passion since she'd always seemed so mindless, so dumb, a perfect Party puppet. But now a cunning smile curled her lips and her eyes sparkled with intelligence.
The moment she walked in the pain stopped. A slippery thought fell through Julia's head. Miss. Penny stopped my pain. If she could do that, was she to be trusted? Julia barely anytime to contemplate it though before something sharp stabbed her in the back of her neck and everything went dark.
For what felt like forever, Julia was strapped to a table and bombarded with pain that threatened to break her bones. But Miss. Penny always turned down the dial before it too high and for that Julia was grateful. In fact, a sort of bond was forming between the two of them. Something stronger than love. Something similar to a reliance.
Words slipped into her pain muddled brain as she screamed. The Party was in control. The Party would take care of her. She wasn't worthy of affection. Affection wasn't necessary. All her lovers had betrayed her. She'd never had any lovers at all.
Hours upon hours she watched videos about the Party, about the violence of men and the way they used women. About the awfulness of sex and how soon the need for it would eradicated. There was no joy in it, the videos insisted. Over and over and over again until it was all Julia knew.
Her head spun for days until a faint light began to glow. In her head she knew, just like she had always known, that the Party was in control and that it would always be in control. Memory didn't matter and the past could be changed. Slowly, realization began to dawn and Julia saw it all.
Miss. Penny was very pleased with her. Julia was given the freedom of walking around her cell, reveling in her new thoughts, knowing they were true. Sleep came in bits and it was slowly becoming the worst part of her imprisonment. In her dreams she saw Winston, her most recent love. She saw Oscar, her first love, the man who had been her superior in her first job. She saw his green eyes crinkled with worry, his long fingers that had caressed her up in a forgotten bell tower. Three months later he'd vanished.
She saw Lance, the youngest lover she'd ever had, the one who had reminded her of an olden world prince. She saw Jackson, the one so handsome he could have been in the porn magazines she worked on. Tom, Alexander, Chase, Dane, Thomas, Hayden, and Noah. All of them. They all warned her to stop. To go. To hold on. To let go. To run away. To stay put.
Contradicting thoughts clashed in her head, something she knew as doublethink. It was so hard to understand that she decided to just not think. It was so much easier to just let it be and flow in her brain like soup.
Months, maybe even years, passed in a haze. Always in her cell, playing from the telescreen, were videos and voices screaming and lecturing about the evils of sex and pleasure. And in her head, Julia knew it to be true. But in dreams, in her heart, she relived her many affairs and loves. She kept them buried deep because she knew that if Miss. Penny knew about this pain would rain down on her, far more than ever before.
But one moment (she couldn't tell night from day) she was dreaming in her sleep and she saw Winston, standing in front of a crowd of all her past lovers. She was filled with such longing to embrace each of them, filled with such a deep caring for each of them that her vary core ached, that she cried out in her sleep. She called them each by name, begging them to come back to her.
She flinched awake as the door to her cell opened and a crowd of figures in black, Miss. Penny leading them, entered. Julia backed up, pressing herself against the wall.
"And you were doing so well," Miss Penny simpered, her thin red lips pressed into that always present smile.
"No, please," Julia begged. Tears would have been falling from her eyes if she had any water left in her body.
"Julia, darling, you are entirely right intellectually," Miss. Penny assured her. "But in your heart, you have failed. You still cling to your affections for men who have all betrayed you, who have begged for your death."
"Please, no more," Julia muttered, curling up into a ball.
"And if you love so many men," Miss. Penny continued, not hearing Julia's please, "how could there be enough love in your heart for Big Brother? No, Julia, you most love only Big Brother. And right now, you do not."
"I'll try, I will, I'm sorry," Julia sobbed.
"Don't lie to me," Miss. Penny snapped, her eyebrows drawing together. But then she took a breath and regained her pleasant smile. "You will love Big Brother, Julia, and only Big Brother. For you are going to Room 101."
Julia was strapped down to a cold metal table, devoid of comfort. It was only her and Miss. Penny in the room and for that Julia was thankful since she was wearing nothing. The cold air made goosebumps erupt on her naked body and, if she could move, she would be shaking.
"Room 101 is the room that holds the worst thing in the world," Miss. Penny said as walked around the table Julia was strapped to. "It varies from person to person. And the worst thing in the world for you, Julia, is to be taken advantage of. To have something you love very much be ruined for you. What you fear, dear, is being raped."
Julia swallowed, her breath suddenly coming in short gasps. Not having control, not being able to decide what happened to her, that was nearly unbearable to her.
Miss. Penny flicked her hand and the door to the cell opened. In came a huge man, one with bulging muscles and watery brown eyes, completely naked. There was no hair on his head and his face looked like he'd run into a wall.
Julia began to cry as Miss. Penny uncuffed her. She tried to climb away but the man grabbed her by her long hair and through her to the ground. As she fell her head smacked on the table and the corner cut a long crimson gash across her forehead.
"Please!" Julia screamed as the man pinned her against her will. Her heart was racing as he squished her flesh and sent knives of pain down her nerves. "Please! I'll do anything!"
"I know you will, dear," Miss Penny said, standing a ways away, watching the grotesque scene with her small smile. "Because for everyone there is something completely unbearable. You will do what is required. I know you will."
Julia screamed as the man pulled her flat as she tried to curl into a ball. She felt muscles in her back rebel and her entire body felt rigid, like wood. What was required? What did she need to say? What she needed was another body she could throw in front of her, someone to sacrifice. But Julia couldn't think straight. Who could she offer, what could she say? Then, as the man yanked her legs apart the answer sprang into her panicking mind.
"Winston!" she screamed and the man paused. "Do it to Winston! Or Oscar or Lance! Tom, Alexander, Chase, Dane, Thomas, Hayden, or Noah! Do it to them, please, not me! Please, not me! Them!"
The man slowly climbed off of Julia and left the cell. Trembling, Julia sat up, the blood from her forehead dripping into her eyes. Miss. Penny still had her pleasant smile though now her eyes gleamed with triumph.
"Well done, Julia," she said.
Julia walked briskly through the Park, trying to enjoy the small buds of crocuses that bloomed along the walkway. But it was far to cold to pay any attention to the pretty purple blooms and, instead, she found herself walking quickly towards the Tube station.
But then she felt someone walking behind her. One glance over her shoulder and she saw it was Winston. Her gut tightened at the sight of him, immense dislike welling up in her. If it hadn't been for him she wouldn't have been tortured. He was a dirty man who had used her and now had the nerve to follow her. But it didn't seem like he was going to stop following her so she slowed her pace until they were next to each other.
As they passed through some bushes their feet paused and Julia felt Winston's fat arms wrap around her waist. Her body stiffened, wondering if he would throw her to the ground and have her like he had so many times before. When he'd been using her like a toy. Winston, perhaps sensing her dislike, removed his arms and they walked across the grass and sat on a bench.
She glanced at him and their eyes met. She quickly looked away and crushed a twig under her shoe to relieve her anger.
"I betrayed you," she declared, trying to block the memory out of her mind but hoping that if she told him this he would leave her alone.
"I betrayed you," he replied.
Julia glared at him, disgusted. She'd always thought he'd been weak. But now it was confirmed.
"Sometimes," she said, "they threaten you with something….something you can't stand up to, can't even think about. And then you say, 'Don't do it to me, do it to somebody else, do it to so-and-so.' And perhaps you might pretend, afterwards, that it was only a trick and that you just said it to make them stop and didn't really mean it. But that isn't true. At the time when it happens you do mean it. You think there's no other way of saving yourself, and you're quite ready to save yourself that way. You want it to happen to the other person. You don't give a damn what they suffer. All you care about is yourself."
"All you care about is yourself," Winston repeated.
'He really is thick isn't he?' Julia thought.
"And after that, you don't feel the same towards the person any longer," Julia finished. She had to make him understand that she did not care for him at all. She didn't want him following her all the way home.
"No," he agreed. "You don't feel the same."
There, she'd given him an explanation. She owed him nothing now. Plus, it was cold and she needed to get home. So she stood up, muttered something about catching her Tube, and started to walk away.
"We must meet again," Winston called after her.
Julia paused and turned back. The thought of seeing him again, of reliving the moments when he's used her, was unbearable. But maybe she wouldn't have to. If he tried to see her again she'd report him to Miss. Penny for harassment. Then she'd never see him again.
"Yes," Julia replied, smiling at the thought of getting him vaporized, "we must meet again."
And then she started walking to the station, always aware of Winston following her. But after a while he veered off and Julia hoped he wouldn't seek her out again. Because she no longer loved him. She loved Big Brother.