I'm running circles around myself. I'm tired of running, but I fear if I stop I'll be forced to think, forced to remember everything that has happened to me. The last thing I want to do is relive the moment my world fell apart, the moment he took his last breathe and he left my world.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way. We were supposed to grow old together. Destined to get married, adopt kids, enjoy our lives with one another, but he left before we could even concrete those plans. He left and now that I've stopped running, the realization that I'm alone comes alive. It hits me harder than any train, plane, or car could. I can't help but stop where I am and fall. I'm nothing without him.
Everything is black. When I think too hard, it's almost as if my brain has to shut down. It can't stand thinking about holding him without my arms to actually feel him there. It used to be a lot worse, but now my mind is like an old movie. I just have to wait for the picture to play, and slowly but surely, it comes back.
I wake up in his room. Looking around, I see his old hat laying in the middle of the floor. Rather peculiar. I haven't seen that hat in god knows how long. I left all of his stuff in his room, just the way he liked to keep it. I tried to box up his things, but the memories floated through the air and hit me like a truck. I mosey on over and pick it up, holding it against my body. It's comforting, but not the same.
"I tried to put it on, it just didn't work." The sound boomed through the room, breaking my heart in two all over again. Mind, stop playing with me, I can't deal with this. The last thing that I need right now is these games. I walked with the hat in hand to the living room. I needed food, badly. I hadn't eaten in a few days, but that was normal for me now. Being full was a sickness, but I know that if I don't, I'll get just as sick as he did. While I'd like that, I know for sure that he wouldn't. I grab a bowl, filling it with milk and cereal. Sitting at the breakfast bar, I couldn't bring myself to eat it. The spoon would not reach my mouth no matter what attempt I made.
"You're skin and bones, Phil. Eat." I dropped my spoon and glanced around the room, but no one was there. The voice sounded all too real. I really am going crazy. I picked up the bowl and placed it back on to the counter. I needed to go to bed before this day continued any further, especially if it was going to be like this.
"No! You have to eat. I'm sorry if I scared you. Please, just eat. For me. I'll leave you alone when I see you take a bite." My feet no longer understood what movement was. The voice was ringing through my head. I placed my hands on my temples, attempting to rub away the crazy, but nothing worked.
"Brain, please stop. I can't handle this right now. This isn't fair." I said out loud. I already had a few stray tears in my eyes, but those next words sent me over the edge.
"It's not your brain, you're really hearing me. Can't you see me? I'm right here, I promise." I looked around the room, but nothing was there. I was still alone. I lowered my head in disappointment and collapsed completely onto the ground. Part of me knew that it was all in my head, but part of me desperately wanted it to be true. If I could just see him, hold him one more time, I think I'd be ok.
"Can you at least feel me?" The voice asked. I tried my hardest to ignore it but something changed this time around. Something cold on my shoulder, the place where his head used to lay that sends shivers down my spine. I jolt up, just wishing it would go away.
"You can feel me!" The voice brightened. "Why can't you see me? I can see you. You look so beautiful, Phil." There was a small laugh. His laugh. That caught my full attention and picked me up off of the ground. His laugh could always get me through the hardest of days, but hearing it know just broke me in pieces.
"Look whatever you are, please stop. I'm not in the mood to break down again. I can't go back to that damn hospital." The feeling didn't go away though, it just got stronger. I could feel an energy creeping forward, slowly but surely. There were hands on either side of my hips, and I for the first time, I believed this could be happening.
"It's me, Phil. I'm not going to let them take you anywhere, ok? It's your life. It's OUR life." I started to fall into him, but I just fell through the air. Coming back to reality, I had to stop myself before I fell in too deep.
"Dan. You aren't real. You're just my crazy mind wishing you were." When the sentence finished, the feeling around my waist disappeared. I truly felt alone again. Maybe I should just embrace it at least he's here with me in some way…
"I am real! See! Turn around!" I reluctantly did as the voice said, giving into whatever was going on. Right before me stood a translucent figure, tall and beautiful just as he left me. My Dan, right within my grasps. A smile was spread across his face as I melted into the crazy. "You see me? YOU SEE ME!"
"Dan…" Was all I could get out. I smacked my head, begging for it to end, but it didn't. I knew that if my brain didn't stop playing tricks, I would get bad again. I couldn't go back there no matter how tempting this alternate reality seemed.
"Phil. It's not you, I'm really here. I've been trying so hard to get you to notice me. It takes so much energy to do this. I have to keep taking from other places, but it's worth it. You'll never understand how worth it." Hesitantly my legs started to walk before my mind could tell them to stop. I walked forward, getting closer to Dan and trying not to scare him.
"B-but, that's not possible. Ghosts aren't real." I stuttered out as I put my arm out. All I needed was to touch him, but when I got close enough, he vanished. It wasn't just my heart that sank, but every organ in my body started falling.
"Oh, fuck me. I just can't get this right. Hold on." Dan's voice resounded. The voice brought a smile to my face for the first time in months. Typical Dan language. The lights began to flicker and the tv turned on, but Dan was back soon after. "Phil?" My legs wouldn't move; my voice wouldn't so much as croak. My mind couldn't think, at least not anything logical.
"Phil, say something! Please. I just need to hear your voice again. It's been so long since we've been together." He snapped me back to the present, and no matter how much I tried to make sense of it all, it wouldn't.
"It's not you. It can't be you. This isn't possible." I was dumbfounded. I started to back away, keeping my eyes fixed on the beautiful figure before me. Now, almost all of me was glad my mind was going. I needed to see Dan desperately. It had been almost 5 months since I last heard his actual voice and not a recording. I didn't know how to feel. I needed Dan, even if it was fake.
"I can prove I'm real!" His voice was frantic and I couldn't help but smile. Dan and his silly plans…
"How? How could you possibly do that?" I asked.