Casca's Sprint

Casca rushed through the woods. Branches snapped at her cheeks and legs, but she kept running, heedless of the blood trickling down her dark skin. Her breath came in gasps and her heart felt as if it might burst.

She could feel the weakness in her own legs.

"How long?"

He had hesitated, his eyes downcast. "...Three years."

Casca wheezed as the horror of those words assaulted her once again. Three years. She ran faster.

"Casca!"

She heard his voice, deep and loud and desperate to catch her. She glanced back and she could see his head just in view behind the brush, that white patch in his hair perfectly visible.

"What's happened to you?" She couldn't hide the grief and despair in her voice when she'd asked him.

"...a lot."

He said it had been three years, but he looked as if it had been ten. He looked utterly exhausted—like he needed to sleep for about as long as she'd been mindless in order to ever be rested again. She saw the pain he'd been through—the scars on his flesh, the missing eye, the iron arm... But worst of all was the quiet. He was more silent than he had ever been. That was the largest of his scars—the one that pained her the most. It was as if the life had been drained out of him. She couldn't bear to look at him.

Casca ran faster, jumping over a log, gasping for air from her exertion. Still, Guts gained. She could hear his harsh breathing behind her, his loud footsteps closing in at an incredible pace. She panicked as she felt his hand tug at her dress. She screamed then, but his arms (one of them a lie—an imitation of flesh) wrapped around her. He snatched her up off the ground, effectively halting her sprint. She could feel his flesh against hers, his chest heaving from the chase, his breath on her neck. Dark, painful memories seized her mind and held her captive—like his arms.

"Don't touch me!" She roared, angrily and with terrible fear. She wasn't as strong as she once was, and he was stronger than he had ever been. Still, she was strong enough. Her struggling threw him off balance and he wavered and fell. She felt his body twist to take the force of the blow and cause her to land safely on top of him. She hated him for doing that—for protecting her even though she fought him and he was already injured. Guts grunted as he landed with a thud, but he still held her firmly in his grasp. She knew he feared that she would run from him if he didn't.

His arms holding her tightly... making her powerless…

A hazy image suddenly captured her mind—an image of Guts with a crazed look in his eye, pinning her to the ground.

Casca gasped and spasmed. That couldn't be real. It couldn't! Guts would never—not ever! "NO!" Was her bloodcurdling screech.

Guts gasped beneath her and released her instantly. She tore out of his embrace and darted through the brush once more.

Guts swore behind her as he struggled back to his feet to continue the chase. "Wait Casca! Please!" He shouted, cursing himself inwardly for grabbing her like that. He knew that was stupid... He knew!

Casca raised her hands in front of her face as she moved through the brush, protecting her eyes from young and elastic tree limbs. Wood snapped and she stepped on thorns with bare feet, but she didn't stop. She ran so fast that she didn't notice when she burst out into a clearing. She barely managed to stagger to a stop at the edge of a dangerous precipice. Rock and dirt crumbled off beneath her and tumbled down into the rushing body of water below.

Behind her, a large and heavy figure stumbled out into the open, panting from exertion. Guts released a panicked sound as he viewed her staring over the edge.

Casca didn't look at him. She was captivated by the beauty of the landscape around her. Lush green forests and grassy plains full of colorful flowers surrounded them, the blue sky and the glistening sea in the distance made a perfect backdrop. She had never seen anything so beautiful.

It was wrong. It was all wrong.

After what she had seen, this beauty felt like an insult! But the waves… the waves and the roar of water down below seemed inviting—as if she could be lost within. She stared down at the turbulent flow.

"Casca..." His voice came out as nothing but a whisper.

She turned to look at him slowly with crazed eyes full of terror—the same eyes she'd borne when she was mindless.

For a moment, it made Guts recall the first time he'd seen her right after the eclipse, her whole body wet under that small underground stream. But the mark of lucidity—of knowing (and what a painful thing it was to know)—came back to her features a moment later. "Casca, please... please come away from there!" He couldn't hide the quaking in his voice as fear seized his chest. But his outstretched hand only made her back further away—just like when she was mad. It was almost too much for him to bear.

Casca shivered against the treacherous backdrop, her face hidden behind locks of hair. "What did you do?" She asked quietly.

"...What?"

Casca clenched her fists and fumed. "I remember!" She suddenly screamed. "I saw an image—an image of you forcing yourself on me!" The wind picked up, catching her hair and dress and revealing the tears that streamed down her face. She looked so betrayed.

Guts' eye widened, and the terrible guilt and fear behind his gaze confirmed her belief.

Casca choked on sobs and stumbled. "How could you, Guts? How could you of all people... And after what he did already…!"

Guts covered his mouth with his hand and looked anywhere but her face as he tried to calm his breathing, he too on the verge of tears. "I swear Casca..." He said earnestly, but fearfully. "I swear it didn't go that far..." He knew it was a stupid thing to say, but what else could he tell her?

Casca fell on hands and knees, fists clenched and face almost resting in the dirt. So many thoughts swirled through her mind that she couldn't seem to settle on one thing to be angry or grieved by. But then the reason for her sprint into the woods came back into her mind, and all other traumas paled in comparison. "I remember something else, too..." She said, looking up at him with teeth gritted and eyes red and puffy from crying. "Our... baby..."

Guts' throat suddenly became so sore that it ached. He had hoped she wouldn't remember that… He hadn't planned on hiding anything from her—not anything he had done or anything that had happened to them. But he had hoped that he could tell her about the child in his own time.

"We had... a baby...!" Casca said again, shocked by the sound of those words on her own lips.

Guts closed his eye as she wept. He tried desperately not to remember that awful day. The shock and despair he felt when that grotesque creature was expelled from her body. The look on her face when he tried to kill it in a rage, and the way she just seemed to give up when it disappeared. And then there was the moment he realized it was theirs. A baby... He and Casca had a child! Under different circumstances, it would have been a joyful culmination of the love and oneness he and Casca had together—something wonderful and beautiful and he would have loved it like a father should—he knew he would have! But it was just as corrupted and wronged and irreparably damaged by the eclipse as anything else. And because of that connection and its demonic appearance, Guts couldn't manage to love it like Casca did. All he could manage toward it, every time he saw it, was bitterness and rage. Griffith truly had taken everything away from them.

Casca's cries reached an impossible height until suddenly she was screaming at the sky in agony. Guts was almost afraid she would lose hold of her sanity all over again. She beat her fists into the ground. "That bastard!" She screamed. "That fucking bastard!"

Guts seethed with sudden equal rage, his blood on fire and a sort of vile lust coursing through him to see someone else burn with the same unquenchable hatred at the object of all his wrath. He felt his darker passions gaining strength. But then Casca started weeping again, and Guts' thoughts turned instantly from violence. His heart clenched in his chest and he just wanted to reach out and touch her—hold her as she cried—or at least get her away from that goddamn ledge! But he dared not make any move toward her. She wasn't going to be ready to be touched any time soon if his own experiences were any indication—and maybe not ever by him, because of what he had done.

Casca gasped in rage and grasped at blades of grass with her fists. "It's all your fault..." She choked.

Guts' heart skipped a beat and his face contorted in pain at those words, uttered so many times in their past. This time was by far the most hurtful.

"You made me come back... I can't... Why the hell... Why the hell... Did you bring me back to this fucking nightmare?" She asked, glowering up at her branded counterpart and almost seeming like one possessed. "Did you think it would be like before? That we would just fall into each other's arms and everything would be fine? Because if that's what you thought... let me tell you right now... you were fucking wrong..." She said, chuckling darkly.

Her resentment pierced through him like a sword. If the eclipse was indescribable hell for him, it was a whole other tier of vileness and death and horror for her. The Skull Knight was right: this was far too much. There was a reason she lost her mind. She was struggling through so many conflicting emotions right now that it would be a wonder if her mind could take it. He suddenly felt so damn selfish for the torture he was putting her through. She was in agony. He was forcing her now to relive the moment that gave him nightmares every damn night and consumed his thoughts every damn day. This... was this a mistake? An irreparable mistake? In his desperate attempt to get her back, had he lost her completely?

Casca looked back at the roaring water with dazed eyes and rose carefully to her feet. "I can't… stay here..." She said.

Guts' chest was seized with terrible fear. He took an uncertain step. "Casca... please come away from the edge..." He quietly begged.

Casca shook her head slowly as she backed toward the sound of rushing water. "I can't deal with this. I can't." She said, almost... apologetically.

Guts' hand dropped down to his side, his countenance one of utter terror and despair. He dared not move any closer to her, but at this distance, he wouldn't be able to stop her if she jumped. "Please... Casca, please..." Guts' voice was barely audible. "I'm sorry... please don't..." Casca looked away from his eyes (or eye) wide in terror.

The last thing she remembered seeing was that other eye being pierced by a clawed hand, his body pinned helplessly to the ground, angry, bitter tears mingled with blood and grime and choked, tortured screams of rage and desperation passing his gritted teeth. She could still see that same torment lurking behind his gaze. "Maybe you should jump too…" She said quietly, looking back down at the rushing waves. "It's so loud… the water… it can drown out everything if you just step back..." Her lips quirked in a slight smile. "You must have thought about it at least once…"

"No…" Guts' croaked—whether in answer to her question or in protest of the action she was about to take, she couldn't tell. Either way… he wasn't going to jump.

"Too strong for your own good..." She muttered, shaking her head; remembering the man she knew—the one who never gave up—the one who had endured so much without faltering. No... maybe not without faltering. He had attacked her after all... Casca kept her eyes on the water. She could stop everything if she just stepped back—even his pain flowing into her. "You're strong, Guts. You always have been..." She said quietly.

"Casca...?" His voice choked. She had only heard it do that once before. She knew he was crying. She heard him drop to his knees, his legs made weak from emotions.

She didn't look at him—couldn't. Her heel was an inch from the edge. "You shouldn't have brought me back."

He didn't say anything. Maybe he couldn't. He was sobbing. She wondered how long it had been since he'd let himself cry.

She fought this sudden, impulsive urge to comfort him like she once did. "You'll survive this." She assured, biting back tears. "I just... can't." She wanted to run from her pain. She wanted to run from his pain. She leaned back against the air and closed her eyes. 'Yes, it'll be better if everything's gone again.'

"Please don't leave me alone!" His voice was a scream—the most desperate sound she'd ever heard. It was even more heart-wrenching coming from him. He was so strong, yet he sounded in that moment as if he just might break apart.

Casca staggered forward, regaining her balance on the ledge. Her eyes fell on him.

Guts was shaking and gasping, his hand tugging at his hair as he wept uncontrollably, his vision trained on the ground to avoid seeing her fall.

Casca suddenly realized: He was a prisoner to his strength—forced to endure the pain because his mind and body refused to give up. He had been needing her, and in her grief and despair, she had left him to face the torment all alone. Casca squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her fists. She wanted to jump. She wanted desperately to jump! But... god...! She couldn't leave him to face the nightmare by himself. That would just be too damn... selfish. She was angry with Guts, resented him—wanted to kill him even! But... she couldn't do this to him. Angrily, fearfully, regretfully, reluctantly, she stepped away from the edge.

Guts' breath came in wheezes as she stumbled forward and dropped down in front of him. He was so relieved he could have passed out.

For a long time there was silence between them—the only noise the rush of rapids and their still labored breathing.

"Why...?" Casca finally asked, her shoulders slumped and her hair covering her eyes. "Why can't I just hate you like I want to?" She sniffed. "Why do I have to love you still too? ...And why does that have to make everything else I feel so much worse?!"

Guts looked up at her, still crying, face desperate and pitiful. "I didn't do what he did… There's a darkness in me ever since… and it wanted me to, but I didn't... I swear I didn't...!" He lowered his head back down and sobbed harder, too ashamed to look at her any longer.

Casca closed her eyes and nodded as tears dropped down her chin. "I know…" She said.

He stiffened—he hadn't expected those two words.

"You didn't escape unscathed… You also went a little… mad... Didn't you?"

Guts' fingers curled in the dirt. He nodded.

Casca's hands shook as she lifted them, and Guts flinched in shock as her fingers touched his face. She shivered from the simple contact, even though she was initiating it. She watched his eye drift up, watched it widen in surprise. Her face contorted with grief. "We're both so fucked up...!" She choked.

Before Guts knew what was happening, he found himself yanked into a tight hug. "C...Cas...ca...?"

"Shut up..." She blubbered, holding him against her chest. "Just shut up... and hug me back... you fool...!" She sobbed over his head, wetting his scalp with tears. "You fool..."

For a long time, Guts couldn't bring himself to move. He'd wanted this for so long, but years of her resentment and his distrust of himself had made him wary. He took a deep breath and, though his arms trembled in nervousness, reached around her carefully. She flinched slightly, but that was all. She continued sobbing against him. After a few moments, he dared hug her more tightly—like he'd been wanting to do for years. In response, she only gripped him a little tighter, and sobbed a little harder. Guts closed his eye and sighed deeply—so relieved that she was finally hugging him back.

Finally.

For the longest time, they wept together on the ground, the only people in the world who could understand each other's pain. They both just needed to be held.

So I wrote this a while back and just figured I'd post it before they actually make it to Elfhelm and everything goes in a completely different direction. I guess this is my idea of kind of how it might be when Casca regains her mind. I don't necessarily think she'll remember him assaulting her or the baby, but hey, I had to get her over to that cliff somehow. I'm not sure how I got through this whole thing having only alluded to Griffith one time (given the way Casca revered him), but weirdly enough that's just how it turned out. It was hard to write this, because I feel like Casca's feelings will be very confused and hard to deal with. I hope that at least came across. I don't think Casca will hate Guts—I think she will still be very much in love him him. But I think it's possible she could also be mad at him (she still is in the fic btw. Just forgetting about it for a while because he's literally the only person in the world who understands what she's been through and with whom she can grieve... also, she realizes he's been through shit). Anyways, hope it wasn't draining or annoying to read even though there's barely a line that isn't sobbed. Let me know whatcha think!