How to Annoy Artemis Fowl
Disclaimer: the only things I own in here are me and the plot. All the characters except me are owned by Eoin Colfer. I also don't own any of the songs that may be in here. Also, I don't own WalMart or Skittles.
Credit to randomosity4arty for giving me some of these ideas!
Also credit to Coco Black, number 8 is completely her idea.
I am under 16, so the writing may not be very good, but cut me some slack please!
1. Knock on his door and sing really obnoxious songs...Especially songs about subjects he hates.
The taxi drove up to Fowl Manor and I hopped out. I started walking down the long driveway. I felt in my pocket to make sure what I needed was in my pocket. Good.
I knocked on the door and Artemis himself answered. I reached into my pocket, pulled out the lollipop, held it out to him, and started singing, as loudly as I could, "SUCKING TOO HARD ON A LOLLIPOP, OH LOVE'S GONNA GET YOU DOWN, SAY SUCKING TOO HARD ON A LOLLIPOP, OH LOVE'S GONNA GET YOU DOWN, SAY LOVE, SAY LOVE, OR LOVE'S GONNA GET YOU DOWN, SAY-"
I stopped singing because Artemis had slammed the door in my face.
2. Knock on his door and sing songs that will make him feel guilty about his old ways...
The taxi drove up to Fowl Manor and I hopped out. I started walking down the long driveway. This time, I didn't have any props to reach into my pocket and make sure it's still there. I knocked on the door Artemis answered again. I started singing, as loudly as I could, "IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, WE DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, WE JUST WANT TO MAKE THE WORLD DANCE, FORGET ABOUT THE PRICE TAG, AIN'T ABOUT THE-"
I stopped singing because Artemis had slammed the door in my face.
3. Ask him to correct your school paper...
The taxi drove up to Fowl Manor and I hopped out. I started walking down the long driveway. I felt in my pocket to make sure what I needed was in my pocket. Good. I knocked on the door and Artemis answered again. I was starting to think maybe everyone else was on vacation or something. I reached into my pocket, took out my supposed Honors English paper, and handed it to him. "Can you edit that for me?"
The paper was so riddled with mistakes that Artemis had trouble reading it.
"The day befor yestreday, the taxey drived up to Foul Manner and i hoped out. i start woking down the long driverway..."
Artemis took one look at it and slammed the door in my face. Then he opened the mail slot and slipped me paper out (yeah, I know, Fowl Manor has a mail slot, weird).
4. When he's not home, leave him little "gifts" for his mother to find.
The taxi drove up to Fowl manor and I hopped out. I started walking down the long driveway. I looked in the box to make sure I had what I needed. Good.
I took out the gift and the note and set it carefully on the doorstep. Then I knocked on the door and ran away as quickly as I could.
Angeline opened the door. There was no one there, only a two objects on the doorstep. How peculiar.
It was a gift with a note. Angeline read the note.
When Artemis came home, he got a good, long lecture from his mother about why he had recieved a bottle of champagne as a gift when he was sixteen.
5. Ask really stupid questions.
The taxi drove up to Fowl Manor and...you get the idea. Artemis answered the door again. "You again?"
"What's a table?"
Artemis just stared at me.
I said, "You know, for a criminal mastermind, you sure are stupid."
He slammed the door in my face.
6. Team up with Holly and Juliet and then gang up on Artemis (I'm sure they'd be more than happy to)
...Artemis answered the door.
"What do you want, for Frond's sake?"
"Wanna play tag?"
"What under the world is tag?"
"This is how you play. One person starts out as "it." The person who's it, that's me by the way, has to chase other people and try to tag them. If it tags someone else, then that person becomes it and it repeats. Get it?'
"I suppose...
I reached out and tagged them on the shoulder. "YOU'RE IT!" I shouted as loudly as I could. That was Holly and Juliet's cue.
"You'll never catch me! You'll never catch me!" Juliet shouted, running around from the side of the house. Holly ran from the other side.
It was a taunt, but it was true. Juliet, Holly, and I didn't even have to run. Artemis, running as fast as he could, still could not catch us.
Needless to say, he was it for the rest of the day.
After a day of playing tag, Artemis went up to Butler.
"What have you been doing, Artemis?"
"Playing tag, but that's not the point. I need you to do something-"
"You've been exercising? Good job. Keep it up." And with that, Butler walked away.
7. Shout annoying and cheesy store mottos, perhaps with some special effects...
The taxi drove up to Fowl Manor and I hopped out. I checked my pocket to make sure I had what I needed. Good. I walked up the long driveway and knocked on the door. Artemis answered.
"What do you want this time?"
"WALMART-SAVE MONEY, LIVE BETTER!" I shouted as loudly as I could. Then I threw a plastic Walmart bag over his head and slammed the door in HIS face. Burn, Artemis, Burn.
8. Toss stuff in his his face. Especially edible stuff.
The taxi drove up...blah blah blah. I checked to make sure I had what I needed in my pocket. I knocked on the door, and Artemis answered AGAIN. He just sighed. "Yes?" He huffed.
"TASTE THE RAINBOW!" I shouted, and then I threw a handful of Skittles in his face.
He couldn't slam the door on me this time because I think a Skittle might have gotten in his mouth or something, and he was too busy choking on it to bother with a door.
I smiled really big, and said,"Don't worry, it's edible." And then I walked off.
9. Do all of the above.
...I knocked on the door of Fowl Manor. Artemis opened the door, took one look at me, and slammed the door in my face.
I smiled. Mission accomplished
THE END
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Right now this is just a oneshot about annoying just Artemis, but if you guys give me some ideas for how to annoy the other characters, and I think of some, then I might turn this into a story about how to annoy all the characters.