This story is really not to be taken seriously hahaha it is just for fun and a good laugh! So please don't go nuts telling me it would never happen because I know that quite well but it was just too much fun to write and our little Evil Charming ship has very little ridiculous comedy ;) this is more than probably just going to be a one shot. Enjoy! I hope you do laugh ;)
David was wandering around the ship without knowing what he was looking for. He didn't know what he was looking for until he was walking up the wooden steps to the deck of the ship and he nearly collided with Regina as she was coming down. She huffed a long breath of air out her nose and moved so both feet stood on one stair and the fingertips of her left hand rested against the wall of the narrow passage. She was waiting for him to step aside and let her pass but he took a breath and tilted his head, scrunching his face just a little with the word 'really' as he stated, "I really wanted to kill that mermaid."
Changing her demeanour, Regina looked him up and down with a smirk slowly and subtly pulling on her mouth, "well," she breathed out and quirked her head, "we can always go find you another one."
"Or?" He whispered and glanced at her lips before meeting her eyes.
Regina's smirk spread to show a line of white teeth as she removed her fingertips from the wall and reached forward the short distance and pulled him closer with a finger hooked in the waist of his jeans so she could whisper against his mouth, "or you can fuck me until you forget about your pretty little mermaid."
He grinned against her mouth and as he moved his hands through her hair he heard a low laugh rumble in her throat. With his fingers good and tangled in dark curls he pulled her in hard for a bruising kiss that she returned with just as much fervour as her fingers tugged at his shirt. He pivoted on the stairs, taking her with him and slamming her hard against the wall and kept her securely pinned beneath him. He loved that she let him be rough with her and that her response was pleased laughter against his mouth and her hands pulling him impossibly closer as she arched her back in to him. Feisty little woman. He loved it.
...
He took another big swallow of rum as he lit the fuse to the small cannon he had used to shoot at the mermaids only this time he wasn't shooting at fish people, "go!" He called loudly when the fuse was almost burned away and when an empty bottle fell in to his line of sight over the water he laughed and pushed the end of the cannon so the barrel was aimed at the bottle. When the loud bang was followed by the shattering of glass over the water both he and Regina cheered loudly, yelling and shouting as they laughed and he turned to find her opening another bottle of rum from where she sat atop a large barrel.
"Seven for seven!" She yelled and threw her arms in the air before closing her eyes and laughing until she couldn't breathe for no other reason than she was much too drunk to really pull any lucid thoughts together. She rocked back and forth on her barrel as she laughed and finally found her breath and lifted her bottle in his direction before taking another swig of rum, "arm it again!"
"Get ready your majesty," he called over his shoulder and stumbled as he tried to walk which had him bending at the waist and bracing his weight on his thighs as he laughed and she laughed hysterically behind him. She clapped her hands in amusement as he tried once more to walk in a straight line and that time he was more successful and packed the barrel of the cannon and lit the fuse. With another hearty laugh as he bent over he waited for the long fuse to burn down a little before he got Regina to throw a random target. "Oh shit," he laughed and stood up quickly, "fire!"
Quickly there was a crate spinning through the dark night sky and with a sharp turn of the cannon he aimed it just in time for the cannon to fire and the crate to explode in to thousands of wooden splinters. He hollered victoriously and threw his arms in the air, "eight!" He heard Regina whistle loudly with her fingers in her mouth and then laugh with the game before taking another drink.
"I love silence spells!" She cheered as she pushed herself off her barrel and stumbled to catch her balance as she walked toward David, the straight line she wanted to walk turning out to be more of a curve, "holy shit I'm drunk," she laughed as she hit the rail of the ship next to the cannon only to take another drink from her bottle.
"I want to fuck you against the mast," he leaned forward with a laugh before tilting his bottle back to take another drink. She grinned and rocked her head on her shoulders as she turned it to look at the mast.
"I want to be fucked against the mast," she grinned madly and took a step toward him. The both of them laughed and leaned in closer, bending at the waist a little as they did, "one more shot."
"One more," he agreed with a laugh and took another drink as he held the gaze of her wide dark eyes. She laughed and jumped in excitement as he began packing the barrel and she looked for a target to be thrown with her magic. Taking the last swallow of his rum he called louder than he needed to, "toss!" To his delight the empty bottle was ripped from his grip and thrown in to the air off the ship and quickly he aimed the cannon and the glass was shattered.
Snow walked up the stairs to the deck of the ship and as soon as she set foot outside she was startled completely awake by the firing of a cannon and joyous cheering after the sound of shattering glass. She looked to the source of the sound to find Regina laughing between drinks of what must have been rum and then David taking the bottle from her mouth to take a drink himself as he too laughed until he was bent over.
With a cock of her head and a furrowed brow, Snow walked silently toward them only to stop in her tracks when Charming pulled Regina in to him for a drunken kiss that looked the furthest thing from unpracticed. She couldn't pull her eyes away as David turned and pushed Regina backwards across the deck, the both of them laughing and stumbling in their drunk state but the stumbling stopped when David pinned Regina against the mast of the ship and slid her upward so her legs wrapped around his waist as he kissed her.
Snow whipped around so her back was turned to them when David began moving his hand up Regina's thigh and she deepened the kiss with her hands keeping his head in place. This was not happening. She was still asleep, having a nightmare, she was not watching David with Regina, she was asleep and in a few moments she would wake up safely in David's arms herself. Taking a deep breath and shaking her head, Snow turned back around. David was kissing Regina's neck and moving down lower as she pushed her head back with her eyes closed and a low laugh while his hand moved heavily up her waist and continued higher, bringing the fabric of her purple silk shirt and black tank top with him to reveal her bare skin.
"Charming," she called but he did not falter in his focus on Regina and Regina didn't acknowledge her either. So she found her voice before it went any further, "David!" She yelled and walked up to them with large strides as they pulled away and Regina fell to the floor and stumbled to catch her balance only to have David laugh out an apology and hold his hands around her waist to help her stand.
"Shit," she laughed in to his chest and willed her legs to hold her up, "that last bottle did me in. Do you think Hook has any fries hidden on his ship? I'd wager," she broke and started laughing when David burst in to a fit of uncontrollable laughter, "I'd wager he's sitting on his big captain's bed stuffing his face with them right now. Wait..." She lifted a finger and David held his breath to keep himself quiet but he broke the silence once more when Regina curled her finger in the form of a hook. "That would be so inconvenient!" She breathed out and stared at her curled finger, her laughter heard again when David tripped over nothing and took her with him as he bounced on his feet to regain his balance.
Infuriated that the pair seemed to have forgotten her presence and the fact that they were about to tear one another's clothes off, Snow yelled, "how long has this been going on!?"
"What? This? ...a few hours maybe...I have no idea," Regina laughed and kept an arm around his middle to keep herself standing, "you are expecting me to keep track of time as well dear?"
"That isn't what she meant," David laughed in to Regina's ear and outstretched his free arm for a moment for extra balance while the other hung around Regina's shoulders.
"No that is not what I meant!" Her voice ran a little higher with her exasperation but Regina and David only continued to laugh, entirely unable to pull themselves together.
Regina took a breath to calm her laughter and she rolled her head on her shoulders before meeting Snow's furious gaze, "he started it," she held a serious face for a few moments but Snow's rage quickly broke her down in to laughter again. "Over the years he has fucked me three times and it has been wonderful," she confessed slowly with a slow roll of her head and a wide grin, giving her head a small shake with the last word.
"Four," he corrected with a nod.
Regina scrunched her face in confusion and lifted her head a little higher, "four!?"
"Mhm."
"Oh yes...four. Four times," she held up her hand and extended four fingers, waving them around slowly with an exaggerated serious expression, pouting her lips out as Snow stood with her mouth agape and her eyebrows knitted together.
"David!" She shrieked and Regina covered her mouth as she began laughing again, "what the hell!? How could you do this!? And with her!?"
"I resent that," Regina pointed at her and bit back another laugh, "I am very good at sex!"
"She is."
"There, see? Thank you dear."
"You're welcome," he laughed out and closed his eyes as he shook his head. He knew it was not the time to be acting like he was but he was too drunk to care at the moment and clearly so was Regina.
"This is-"
"Get the stick out of your ass snowflake," she shook her head and David clapped a hand over his mouth to hold back his hysterical laughter. "It is just sex, it's not like I'm stealing your 'I will always find you' echo away from you," she outstretched her arms a little only to stumble a little when she let go of David and he burst out laughing only to place both of his hands over his mouth. "He's standing," she pointed to him and began laughing again herself, "right fucking in front of you! You don't have to look very hard! I made it really easy for you to find him this time!"
David was bent over at the waist, laughing so hard no sound was coming out as he staggered off a little ways to compensate for the movement of the ship. He found air just as Regina took it away from him again and his stomach hurt from his silent laughter.
"Quick! He's getting away! You're going to lose him!"
"Regina! This is not a joke!" She bellowed and Regina held her breath and nodded, trying hard to compose herself but all effort was wasted with David's yelp of 'fuck!' that was soon followed by a loud thud as he fell down behind Regina. Regina's body convulsed with sputtering laughter before she let it out and turned to go find David.
"Are you okay!?" She laughed and watched him try to push himself to his feet.
"This is so much harder when the ground you're standing on is actually moving," he laughed and hesitantly lifted his fingers from the wooden floor, testing the balance of his wide stance. "Regina," he whispered with wide eyes.
"What?" She whispered back.
"Regina."
"Yes?"
"You're fucking hot," he whispered and she laughed wildly, "and I need you to come here and help me stand before I tip over again."
"She will do no such thing!" Snow snapped and Regina turned around to face her as David laughed and worked on standing up straight.
Regina eyed her over with a laugh and clumsily walked closer to her, "you need to relax," she chuckled and Snow scowled at her as she stopped in front of her, "I bet I could make you scream," she whispered slowly, inches away from Snow's mouth and watched the girl's eyes widen like saucers.
"Oh my god!" She yelled and all but leapt away from Regina.
"Holy shit," Regina closed her eyes and laughed, dropping down to brace her weight on her thighs, "rum makes me do weird things," her sides hurt from laughing and she hugged herself with one arm as she tried to catch her breath.
"I am going back to bed."
"No wait!" Regina laughed and then pointed over her shoulder only to laugh harder when she heard David fall over once again, "you're forgetting your dear David!"
"We will continue this conversation tomorrow when you are both sober," she hissed furiously and stormed off listening to the sound of their laughter.