The low light flittered across the Marauders cosy Gryffindor common room from the setting sun, leaving three rather unkempt beds shadowed in dusk. The blankets where strewn haphazardly into rumpled piles; one even hanging limply over a top bunk, like ivory spilling over walls. The pillows had made their way into all sorts of nonsensical places around the room, God knows how. Shambles, was the only truly accurate way to describe the state of a good eighty percent of the four boys dorm room. But the term especially applied to the beds. All but one.
One bed, nearest the door, could not even be seen. Yet the thing was, even though heavy magic laced curtains that literally stopped sound from coming or going blocked anyone's prying eyes from seeing the mysteries behind it, anyone who knew anything about the boys from this particular room, and who didn't, knew that the bed behind them was perfectly made. It was likely tucked in on all sides, with the creases rubbed thoroughly out. The sheets would be no more than a week old; the pillows perfectly placed. It was even possible that there may have been a chocolate on the corner of the pillow, if not a highly likely fact.
In fact the only explanation for missing chocolate would be that the bed's resident couldn't resist the temptation and had eaten it slightly before it's designated chocolate consumption time. None of the others boy would have touched it. They wouldn't have dared.
The bed would be completely, irrefutably, perfect. Even if it's residence was lying across it. Perhaps reading a book, with legs kicked up behind him and crossed at the ankles. Even if it was a perfectly good evening for raising a little hell. The sheets would be perfectly made.
Remus Lupin liked the quite. It wasn't that he needed it, or that he disliked the panic and frenzy that came hand in hand with being the brains behind the most famous and allusive group of pranksters to even roam the halls of Hogwarts. No, for in fact he loved being one of the four misbehaving boys and their schemes.
It was simply because he needed time to recharge. Chaos was ever so draining after all. So after hours of running around, hiding from teachers and general harmless anarchy, he needed a well-deserved break. A simple moment of undisturbed peace to gather himself together again and recover from the constant nagging prefect guilt towards himself and his friends' fun. Time to have nothing but perfect, undisturbed, orderly order around him.
Unfortunately, a certain straggly black haired boy with no discernible knowledge of personal space or privacy, just couldn't understand the concept of introvert. No matter how hard anyone tried to teach him. Incidentally, that straggly black haired, hyperactive, doggish, pure blood, was Remus Lupin's boyfriend.
Sirius Black bounded through the red drapes without a care and flung himself down beside the smaller sandy haired wizard. A wizard who's head dropped, defeated, into his history of magic text book. A groan of utter hopelessness slipped out into the no longer still air.
"Mooooooooony," Sirius moaned against the reluctant boy's neck. His hot breath sending waves of very much unwanted yet somehow oh so wonderful pleasure right down Remus' spine. It was ever so troublesome. "Moony, I'm bored."
"Then go and bother James. He always seems to have an endless supply of free time for you to consume with you desperate need to attention, despite the mountain of homework you both neglect to do," Remus muttered back. Though he was slightly distracted by a searching hand, of which he was inclined to bat away.
Though the pair had never actually done the deed and played the horizontal Quidditch match, Sirius never failed to cop-a-feel when the chance arose. Be it in the midst of romantic private kisses, stolen in bathrooms or beds, passion and lust dripping from them both like thick sweet honey; or under the table in potions. His hands were busy things. With places to be and boyfriends to grope.
Today was no exception.
"He's busy playing tonsil tennis with a finally willing red head, something I blame you for entirely." His hand found it's target. "And no matter how many pleading speeches or loving hexes I send their way, they won't pull their lips apart. Well, except to flip me off apparently. I'm starting to think he might love Evans more than me."
The self-indulgent monolog proceeded with a passion and a total disregard to Remus's whimpered pleas for both more and less. The alteration was normal, especially when Remus couldn't decide if he wanted more, or for Sirius to bugger off and let him study for once. Which was a situation they found themselves in a lot more often than one would expect.
"Which, yes I do understand, is physically impossible. What with me being the holy messiah sent down to rid the world of virginity and all. It's just, it feels like he's drifting. Even though my hotness literally, and I mean literally Remus so don't correct me, spans across the whole wizarding world. Bringing harmony and lusty smooches to all. Don't you agree?"
"You're such a- ugh, oh God- pratt pads," Remus gasped. His body rolled over, trapping Sirius against the wall and leaving himself wide open for hands that squeezed and rubbed with perfect alteration. Remus' long thin coarse fingers grasped desperately into the ebony locks, that left hooded sliver eyes streaked between chilling shade and warm amber wand light.
"So you mean to tell me," Sirius drolled, "that I don't just ooze sexual need? You don't believe that whenever I enter a room I leave blushing teens rushing to the dorms for a cheeky wank? You are under the impression, dear Lupin, that I am not the most-"
"Shut up you arse."
And if he wouldn't have anyway, Remus's lips pressed tenderly against his made a pretty spectacular argument. They pushed his head back, grazing gently against Sirius' softer ones, but not biting. Very intentionally not biting.
Kissing Remus was something it was impossible to tire of. The little gasps between kisses caused by an inability to remember to breath. The grin that pulled at his lips if he was feeling particularly happy with himself; normally a side effect of him shutting Sirius up, much like was now the case. Even the way he held himself back spun Sirius's head; held himself back from letting go. Kissing Remus was something that Sirius never wanted to stop doing.
Without hesitation, two large, warm hands found themselves cupping Remus's cheeks, as lips push back against his. Neither mouth yielding to submit, even with Remus stopping himself from fully trying to dominate the situation. Which wouldn't even have been slightly difficult, all things considered.
Most thought at first glance that Sirius was clearly the more dominant of the pair, what with his extra hight, visible muscle and consistent outlandish behaviour. And when out in public, this was generally the case. Though there relationship wasn't something they exactly flaunted, it wasn't a secret, so hand holding and the occasional peck wasn't of limits. But it was always Sirius who initiated.
In private however, that was very much not the case. Being near five or six times stronger than Sirius combined with natural alpha instincts, often led to Sirius feeling gloriously over powered. No matter how much Remus held himself back.
A thumb worn hard from wand work stroked over the Remus's cheeks, touching at the tip of a fresh scar as it passed. One of three red, angry, new scars, which ran across an otherwise markless face, only two moons old. The lowest of them just marred the top corner of chapped lips, which Sirius' tongue flicked out to trace.
Remus hated them.
Sirius hated that.
Nibbling and pressing down wet kisses, he worked his way up along the bottom one. His hands moved to hold the back of Remus's neck, where only more scars lay, yet were hidden by medium length hair styled that way by design. Remus squirmed, his school trousers fitting far too tightly.
Sirius's primary focus as of late was back in his mind full force, leaving no room for the hustle and bustle that normally left all logical thought process impossible. He knew what he wanted, and hoped beyond hope that he could get it right this time. He would not let the insecurity of one Remus Lupin continue any longer. It was time to prevail, which meant more than just trying to kiss away the pain.
"So sexy," he rumbled against Remus's cheek bone, waiting for the usual reaction.
As expected Moony pulled away, ducking his head, awkwardly. He turned back to his book and used that unfortunately convenient hair of his to hide away his face from very concerned boyfriends who really just wanted to help.
And Sirius was having none of it.
"Oh no you don't. You are not going back to your book right after I compliment you. Again!"
"Then stop lying to me," Remus replied tiredly, his shoulders slumped down in easy surrender. His eyes closing themselves against a world destined to never work in his favour. "Just stop."
It was more than concern though. Miles from pity. It was a physical pain to witness. To see Remus Lupin: the brains behind the Marauders; the lover and hoarder of all things chocolate; the boy who without Sirius would probably still be an aristocratic douche, feeling so dreadfully about himself. Hating himself for something that was in no way his fault, no matter how much he protested otherwise.
Sirius was in fact disgusted that a world so many claimed to be just, could be so twisted as to throw such monumental crap at this brave, caring person. A person he sat by the bedside of every month after the moon, watching as he'd lie unconscious and covered with bandages from what the world had forced him to deal with from far too young an age. A person for whom he paid attention in class for, just so he could use Sirius's notes when he finally got back on his feet. A person who's pain was always there, and just never seemed to stop, no matter what the Marauders or teacher beside ever tried.
"I'm not lying," Sirius protested in irritation.
"You are. You're lying because for some heavenly reason you care about the mess of a person that is me, despite all basic human logic. So you lie to make me feel better or get me in the mood or whatever it is you want, when the truth is…"
He couldn't bring himself to say it. It sucked quite enough to merely think the thoughts that Remus thought day in day out. It sucked on every possible existing level of absolute gut wrenching, tear jerking, awfulness. But it was by far worse to talk about such things; words made things seem so much realer. He didn't want to talk about it. Especially when dealing with people he cared about… loved, as much as one hopeless Sirius Black.
"The truth is what Moony?"
"Leave it Padfoot."
"What is this all-encompassing truth that I'm apparently incapable or maybe even forbidden from disagreeing with immediately? Which I totally will."
"Pads."
"Tell me Remus. If you don't I'm going to dribble on your homework."
"Padfoot."
"I will play loud obnoxious music when you're studying. I will send easily interceptable notes to you in class so we get caught. I will-"
"Sirius."
"-Roll on your bed as a dog ad shed fur on your pyjamas. I will-"
"Because I'm hideous!"
The loud, cracked voice shocked the air around them as flittering gold eyes held back rage desperately in the silence. Muscles trembled under the weight of himself as Remus's face managed to show just the tiniest shred of fear behind the force of stopping himself from… from something neither wanted to consider, and in fact only one did. Sirius more faith in Remus after all, than Remus had ever had.
Sirius's lungs lost the ability to sustain life as his shoulder were shoved back by nothing but words. His expression broken, silver irises shrinking behind pupils that left him hollow. Just three words.
Remus shuddered as he regained himself. Sirius remained still. The silence was viscous. The silence was painful.
Remus turned away to at his book once more without a single word; his eyes incapable of seeing the page. The black ink stared back at him silently.
Neither felt all the capable of speaking. Especially seeing as it felt like wading words into the block of quiet encasing them would be excruciatingly hard. But it just so happened Remus had spent his whole life dealing with hard.
His voice was aching.
"I am a monster Sirius Black," he's said slowly. "I know I'm a monster, and I can deal with that. But don't you lie to me about how I look with these… these things tracing my body, reminding me every day that I will never get to live the life this school's preparing me for. That I'll never live a wizard's life. Because I can't bear it. They are disgusting. You can't say any different to me Sirius. Not you."
The silence sealed back over the dent Remus had made. He turned the page. The air between the two feeling like miles, yet it was strangely claustrophobic. He tried to read. God did he want to read. He turned the page.
That was when two thick, strong, desperate arms wrenched him back and engulfed him against a solid chest that was just so very there. Protective, cotton encased, Sirius arms, that refused to take Remus's opinion on the matter, and just held him. And suddenly there were no more miles. His head was forced into the crook of a neck that smelt like violet potions and expensive aftershave and dog, and another head slotted perfectly above his. Then it moved and hot, raspy, ragged breath juttered into his hair with an agony not it's own, but rather for another who never wanted to share the pain. The arms held him tightly.
No one could have stopped Remus's tears in that exact moment. It was a fixed event in the course of all that was then and them. Those tears were fated.
Like the wolf bite. Like there first kiss. Unstoppable.
"Don't you dare say that Remus. Don't say it, don't think it, don't even consider that so very, very wrong think that you just said. You are not a monster," Sirius tried to state firmly but his voice wavered painfully.
"But I am," he stuttered back. His head pressed firmly into the source of warmth before him, which without he would not have felt brave enough to say these things. "Y-you can't deny it. I'm a werewolf. They make monster movie about we-werewolves. They…"
"Not you, Remus." There was no waver. "Not now, not ever."
Though the sandy haired wizard couldn't see, dark eyes were squeezed shut against internal explosions. Normally confident lips trembled per word. Because Sirius Black's boyfriend was in danger, and he couldn't help in the ways he knew best.
There were to be no wand battles or pranks of revenge. He couldn't just whip out a spell this time and make everything magically okay with a swish and a flick. He was a creature of easy solutions and cheating systems. So when it can to matters of the mind, that one genius who'd master animagus transformations in fifth year was beyond out of his element. Remus Lupin wasn't in danger from those death eaters who'd started showing up or bullies wanting an easy target. Remus Lupin was in danger from himself.
"Ok, so one day a month you go wolfie, but that is not all you are," he tried. "You are a bloody brilliant wizard Moony, and the best friend the Marauders could ever have asked for, and you're my boyfriend. My bookish, chocolaty boyfriend, who if keeps up that train of thought is going to force me to leave my very well upheld and dear to my heart image of cool far behind and cry. Something I never do on a matter of principal, Moony."
Labored breaths burned against Sirius's chest. Denial swept through a mind set on believing a painful self-invented reality, no matter the outside opinions.
"B-but I'm still not h-human am I? I don't even remember being human."
"You think I give a shit about that? Do you honestly think that anyone with half a brain and some decent knowledge on the topic would give a flying fuck about that? So what you're not human. You are still a person. Damn Remus, you're still a person. And no matter what you think, you need to know that I find you so hansom. No wait, scratch that. Beautiful. So bloody beautiful, and just bloody amazing. The way you smile, when you do, drives me insane. That disappointed tut you give out to me, James and Petey, like bloody coupons; highly underrated. And when you laugh, I mean really laugh, Jesus Moony, when you laugh I love you so much it hur-"
"Sirius…"
He stopped. Words freezing in his mouth as he looked down to see wide golden eyes looking up at him. His stomach twisted in just the right way and his finger brushed away tears rolling down marred cheeks.
Remus grinned.
"I love you too," he whispered.
Sirius's heart stopped for just the smallest of moments, before the most gracious sigh of relief rocked his entire body. His head falling, equipped with stupid grin, into Remus's hair once more.
"Thank God. You've no idea how long that's been bothering me for you sod."
Remus let out an air of silent laughter and curled further into the safe embrace. But his grin turned ever so marginally self-deprecating.
"Of course I love you idiot. Even though you smell like dog and don't do homework and generally just seem to like driving me up the wall. I love you more than anything. There's not even a question. But how can you-"
"But nothing. You need to stop thinking that your anything less than amazing Moony, because you don't understand how much it sucks to see someone you think the world of just hating themselves," Sirius stated bluntly and Remus flinched away. "When… When… Look, being a werewolf, it doesn't make me scared of you, or Prejudice towards you or any of that crap most other wizards are brain washed to believe."
Rough finger tips teased Remus's face back into locking eyes with Sirius. His silver irises glimmering in the wand light and mouth shaped into the most tender of smile. Calmly Sirius spoke through Remus's stuttering breaths.
"It makes me so proud of you."
…
"Why?"
Genuine confusion clouded over Remus's face as he stared up into soft eyes looking back; brows furrowed above squinted lids.
Sirius snorted, his shoulders jerking back.
"What do you mean why you bloody numpty? How can you even question that? Every single moon I watch as you…" the light hearted tone drained from him, "scream, in agony while you change Remus. While you t-tear at your skin like it's trapping you, or… or hurting you or… I-I don't know. Then I sit with you. I carry you back to Pomfrey and I watch you sleep, and I just sit with you. While you're lying there, small and sick and bandaged to hell and…"
"I do know this," Remus tried to laugh of. He tried to laugh it off because now, well Sirius had actually started crying and if that wasn't just the worst feeling in the world then Remus didn't want to know what was. "I was kinda there."
Sirius's hands started manically swiping away at his tears as he tried to stop the stream, but it just wouldn't. He never cried, it was a rule. Not at Titanic, not when he ran away from home, not ever. He did not cry. But this was Remus.
"Oh, please stop," Remus tried again. "Don't cry Pads. I can deal with the transformations, you know that. I'm okay, see. Please stop."
Sirius started laughing for real, even though it shook as it can from his hoarse throat. His eyes crinkling and dumb grin plastered right back on.
"And that's just bloody it isn't it. You go through all that crap, and you're still worrying about me. Just sat there protesting your fine, just to make sure us three are okay every time. The second you wake up it's just… You don't even give yourself a second thought half the time you know. Just wake up and back off to class you total twit."
And that's when a sadly sickened chest that was constantly heavy with oh so much pain, started to feel just that little bit warmer. And as Sirius looked back at him, he started to believe maybe it was more than just pity in those eyes. Maybe even a hell of a lot more.
"You are so strong and you make me so proud, and I think I might just love you more for it every day."
"Really?"
"Yes you bloody sod," Sirius laughed. "Now come here."
This hug wasn't one of need, or comfort, or desperation. This hug was of relief, and happiness, and being able to just being held in the arms of someone who loved you. Remus's hair, as usual, sprawled across Sirius's chest. Sirius's large hands clamped over opposite shoulders and he felt himself smile contently. It it felt okay.
But it wasn't the end, because that wasn't how people worked.
So maybe Sirius was right about him, Remus's mind thought as half happy half still painful tears continued to soak into Sirius's crumpled clothes. Maybe he wasn't just a monster living among men, and maybe his scars weren't as ugly as he saw them to be. And maybe he would even get something good all to himself, just this once.
But it wasn't in human nature, or werewolf's at that, to immediately accept new truths. He'd still hate himself for a long time yet to come, and he'd still look at his scars and start to cry alone in the bathroom. He would even sometimes still doubt that Sirius even really loved him at all.
There was a reason though now, that made it all just that little bit easier, and stopped that whole night from just meaning nothing in the end. The fact that from then on Sirius would always be there to comfort him. That when things were at their worst, Sirius Black would be there to tell him that he mattered, that he was more than the beast inside. That he'd break into the common room bathroom without fail, and scoop Remus up into his arms when the tears had only just started to run. That he'd kiss him senseless every time he saw that ridiculous doubt enter his eyes. And that he'd be there, every full moon from that night on, to make sure he wasn't left alone at him lowest.
And knowing that, knowing Sirius was going to be with him every step of the way, was at the very least a start. A start to believing that one day he'd love himself eve a fraction as much as Sirius did. Which was really rather okay.
Sirius didn't make it back to his bed that night. Remus always had a habit of falling asleep quickly and without warning, and if that night had been an exception, Remus didn't let on. Plus, it was a physical impossibility to pass up on the chance to hold a sleeping Remus, especially when you're name was Sirius Black.
The next morning they were faced with the usual jokes from James and Peter about not shagging in the common room and what not. But when James spotted that Remus wasn't avoiding his own refection that morning when they were getting ready to go, he hugged Sirius the moment they were alone together.
"You are a bloody miracle worker Pads."
Sirius frowned.
"What the hell are you on about James?"
"Just… We've all been worried about Remus yeah."
Sirius smiled. "Yeah."