SG: Considering I feel very uncreative at the moment I decided to write a parody on 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets' – enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the movies or merchandise but if chickens take over Hogwarts, you never know!

Chapter1 – A Very Boring Summer to Come

Harry sat in his bedroom in Privet drive, viewing all of the photos we didn't get to see in the last movie, including some photos of Ron and Hermione we didn't know existed. His owl Hedwig, gave an annoying squawk.

'Could you shut the hell up Hedwig, I'm trying to miss my friends, look really lame AND make people feel sorry for me. Multi-tasking is killing me!' Harry yelled at his birdy.

'Which explains why J.K. Rowling should have called you Harriet Potter, so you could deal with it', remarked the birdy with another screech.

Harry's uncle, Vernon Dursley suddenly yelled from downstairs.

'If you can't stop yelling at that birdy Potter, I'll have to commit you!'

'Now look what you've done!' Harry shouted at his birdy, rattling the cage violently.

Harry muttered angrily about having to walk all the way downstairs, as he came into the kitchen and was glared at by Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon and Dudley, his cousin.

'Could I just let my birdy out for a while?' Harry begged. 'She's been driving me up the wall since she learnt how to talk back'

'Yeah right!' said Uncle Vernon disbelievingly. 'Like you wouldn't use that birdy to keep in contact with that beaver and blood nut you call friends!'

'Well no actually – they're being really rude and I won't write if they don't write. Besides I'm getting too far ahead of the story so I need to shut up'

Dudley was so stupid he forgot his line and therefore had no part in this scene, but he did push Harry, as he was too fat for the camera frame.

'Well, you'd think you'd be more grateful' – Harry tuned out, which made the audience grateful because they didn't really want to listen to the bull Vernon Dursley had to offer.

(A/N: try hitting the pause button on the movie at the right time and it looks like Uncle Vernon is sleep talking).

Harry went to his bedroom so he could pretend to be non-existent in the hopes that Hedwig would stop talking to him because he wasn't sure if she really was talking or if he was hallucinating.

Harry got back to his bedroom to be non-existent but some weird computer generated thing was jumping on his bed.

'Hey you little MOTHER FCKER! Get off my bed right now I just made it you freaking hobbit!'

'Well I was going to tell you that I am I fact Dobby the house elf and that you were in great danger and I was pathetic and you can't go back to Hogwarts because it's dangerous' – Dobby took a breath – 'and all the other plot points but now I'll just take your friends letters and run'

Dobby ran out of the room.

'So they did write to me, I feel loved! Hang on a second…give them to me hobbit!'

Yes Harry was indeed slow.

'I'm not a hobbit' Dobby yelled from the stairway.

'Yes you are!'

'No I'm not – this isn't 'Lord of the Rings' you know!'

'It isn't? Damn wrong script, sorry!'

Dobby ignored Harry/Frodo (he was no longer sure what movie this was), ran into the kitchen to steal tonight's pudding but screwed up the charm and had it float to the living room and land on Mrs. Mason's head.

'Shit' said Dobby. 'I was going to eat that!'

'Mmm…floating pudding' said Mrs. Mason and ate all the pudding off her fingers.

Dobby disappeared on the spot and Harry took all the crap that followed which included some yelling and other stuff that really doesn't count towards the plot of the story.

Through Uncle Vernon's ranting a question popped into Harry's head.

'Hey, how come in the book I was given a warning letter from the Ministry of Magic and in the movie I wasn't – isn't that going to mess things up in the 5th movie?'

'Probably' said Uncle Vernon. 'But you won't need to worry because by the time you start on the fifth movie you'll be too old to act in it'

'Oh fair enough' said Harry, unconcerned.

'Anyway I'm locking you in your room like a prisoner for a long time'

'Damn, I was hoping you'd forget about that'

'Don't we all, because the bars I'm getting on your windows are going to cost me a bloody fortune!'

So the next day Harry simmered and sulked in his room, aware that the only thing keeping him sane was the fact that he had cost Uncle Vernon a lot of money and had therefore pretty much won in the end (Except for the fact that boredom was inevitable and it was a very LONG summer).

Author's Notes

Harry: You could have at least given me a colouring book – I'm going to be bored and hot!

SG: Oh get over it and take it out on Hedwig!

Harry: That's a very good idea!

Hedwig: Thanks SG, like I don't get enough abuse around here already!

SG: Ok the birdy just talked. ANYWAY, hope you liked the first chapter, next chapter coming your way very soon. Please tell me what you thought as I appreciate the feedback.

Chocolate is good and so are chickens.