A/N: This is kinda angsty because, well… I'm kinda in that mood right now. Bad Cloud. Bad Leon. Bad muse!
Enjoy. Xxx
Disclaimer: All characters and places belong to Square Enix and/or Disney. Lyrics from 'Silhouette' belong to Of Monsters and Men. No infringement intended, no profit made.
'There's nothing I'd take back,
But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret.
Cause when I sing, you shout,
I breathe out loud,
You bleed, we crawled like animals,
But when it's over, I'm still awake.
#
A thousand silhouettes dancing on my chest,
No matter where I sleep,
You are haunting me.
#
But I'm already there…'
Silhouettes – Of Monsters and Men.
Already There
It was amazing how the clash of steel turned into the numbness of heavy limbs that tingled from the force of impact, and the pounding of adrenaline stole over into burning desire so quickly that Leon was already fucking Cloud against the canyon wall before he'd even realised it had happened again. They were the same: loving and fighting. The consuming rage and hurt and regret were so inexplicably intertwined it was hard to separate them from the want and the lust and the love. He thought it ironic – as he caught sight of his fallen gunblade a few paces away, so completely abandoned in the rush of lovemaking – that he could be so disarmed; he could be so thoroughly beaten before the battle had even really begun. It killed him.
Bruising fingers wound their way into Cloud's, lacing together and holding on as sharp teeth broke the skin of a broad shoulder. A sharp cry and Leon fucked him harder.
A quick and gratifying release consumed him and he bit Cloud violently to contain the satisfaction from spilling out. With a final shove he flattened his partner against the rough wall and stepped away, uncaring that Cloud had yet to find his own cheap finish. Leon was determined: even though he had let his guard down, even though he had given in like he always did, he would salvage some semblance of self-respect from this. He would walk away from this with something to call his own. Hyne knew Cloud had taken the rest.
Without the taller man to keep him upright Cloud slid to his knees, clothes a rumpled shameful mess around him as he panted, fighting for his breath. He turned slightly, catching sight of Leon fixing his own trousers; finality in all of his languid movements.
'We're not done here.'
Leon's softly panting mouth twisted into a small spiteful smile, his eyes cold and burning as he bent to pick his weapon up. He holstered it, trying to calm his erratic breathing and smother that stabbing pain as it tore up his heart. Cloud had used him – this was no different. He tried to tell himself it was okay.
'Go to hell, Cloud.' He bit over his shoulder.
He would deny that those words would haunt him, that the thought and smell and taste of the younger man followed him; that he slept with the ragged scraps of the blond's discarded clothes under his pillow, and when he could sleep, it was poor and troubled dreams that plagued him. Those were the notions of someone who had something to loose. Leon had nothing. After everything he had learned and been through, he had nothing to show for his sacrifice – his leap of faith. He turned, chancing one last look and saw Cloud on his knees, half naked and still hard and felt a hollow pang of satisfaction.
He wasn't sure if he could do it but eventually he turned away, ignoring the angry shout of protest, and began to walk; his steps heavy and his body lax from the exhaustion of fighting and fucking, he gradually put more space between himself and Cloud, the younger getting smaller and smaller behind him. Leon felt no joy, no exultation from winning his own private battle. He had told Cloud to go to hell and he had to chuckle. It was a dry and humourless sound and he would deny that his eyes watered or that the laugh caught in his throat. He would have followed Cloud anywhere. That was the real joke. But he knew that if there were such a place – a hell – then there would be no need to follow Cloud. Hell was a place entirely of his own making and Cloud was only a small part of it. Emboldened with victory but weak with defeat Leon walked, knowing full well that he was already there.