Sometime back in 2007, a very young, junior journalist, was sent to get an interview with the members of the band Gorillaz.
Interviewer: How old are you?
Murdoc: (Folds arms and flops back in chair. Disgusted.) Oh you are kidding me? Why do people insist on asking that? (Grumble.) It's not like anyone really wants to know.
2D: Ummm? 29. I fink? Hang on, I gotta work this out. (Counts off on fingers.) 1...2...3...
Murdoc: Careful D. You'll blow a fuse. Heh, heh.
Russel: Why did I agree tah do dis with dese two? 32.
(Russel and 2D stare at Murdoc, waiting for him to answer.)
Murdoc: What? Why are you staring? Don't tell me you really want me to answer that?
Russel: 41.
Murdoc: Of all the... A very young 41!
Interviewer: What is your height?
Murdoc: This just gets better and better? (Grins.) Shorter than him.
2D: Taller than him.
Russel: (Shrugs and rolls his eyes.) Taller than dah both of dem.
Murdoc: (Sings.) And wider than the ocean bluuuuuue.
Russel: (Cringes.) I'll pay yah $50 tah neva do dat again.
Murdoc: I'll take the money. But I promise nothing.
Interviewer: How much do you weigh?
Murdoc: (Breaks out in a gale of laughter, holding his stomach, and pointing at Russel.)
Russel: Ya ain't funny. Ya cracker ass.
2D: (Has fallen asleep on Russel's arm.)
Murdoc: (Still laughing.) Weeeeell? Are you going to answer the little journalist?
Russel: (Utters a low deep growl.) Somebody wake dis guy up? He's droolin' on my arm. (Prods 2D. 2D falls on floor.) Neva mind.
Interviewer: What are your bad habits?
Russel: He (Points at Murdoc.) goes out, but fo'gets not tah come back.
Murdoc: I hate you.
2D: Smokin', drinkin'...? Puppies.
Russel: Puppies?! Maaan. How are...? Neva mind. Jus' go back tah sleep.
Murdoc: I'll answer that question. Buh, but first, I'll just go for a quick slash. (Walks over to a potted plant in the corner. Russel and 2D spot him.)
Russel/2D: NO!!!
Murdoc: Whaaaat? Oh fine. Whatever. (Waves them off and goes off in search of a toilet.)
2D: There is that? (Points to plant in corner. Looks at Russel.)
Russel: Dat is true. He seems tah have dis deep seated loathin' for plants...? Well anyt'in' 'live a'chually. 'specially if dere potted. (Shrugs.)
2D: Yeah.... (Long Pause.) And they're rented. (Nods.)
Russel: What?
2D: Yeah. He told me he rents 'em. That way he doesn' need tah care about 'em. If they die, he just gets someone out tah replace 'em.
Murdoc: Honey! I'm home!
Russel: See what I mean? Goes out, fo'gets NOT tah come back. (Sneers at Murdoc.)
Murdoc: Huh?
2D: (Cringes.) Next question please.
Interviewer: Who's your mate?
Murdoc: As in friend? HA!
Russel: (Rolls eyes and slaps hand over face in frustration.) Can't ya just once! Take dis seriously? Single. Unmarried.
2D: Me to.
Murdoc: Ohhhhhh. Yeah me to.
Interviewer: Do you have any kids?
Russel: No.
2D: Whyyyy? Has someone said sumfink? (Looks around nervously.)
Murdoc: Yes.
(The other two stare at Murdoc. Mouths agape in shock.)
Murdoc: They were delicious. (Grins.)
(Russel stands, walks over to a wall, and starts bashing his head against it.)
2D: (Rubs his own forehead, while watching Russel.) My head hurts.
Murdoc: (Rolls eyes.) Oh fer Satan's sake. NEXT!
Interviewer: What's your favourite food?
Murdoc: Well fer Russ. All you have to do, is get a food encyclopaedia.... (Is cut off by Russel standing and staring down at him. Murdoc smiles and giggles at Russel.)
2D: I'm allergic to pickles.
Murdoc: Anything with alcohol in it. Cheers. (Opens little bottle of Scotch, and sculls it.)
Interviewer: Have you killed anyone?
Murdoc: How much time have we got? (Stares at Russel.)
Russel: Dat's funny. I woz jus' t'inkin' dah same thang. (Stares at Murdoc.)
2D: I don't fink so? (Scratches head thinking.)
Murdoc: (Smiling at Russel.) You don't scare me you know.
Interviewer: Do you hate anyone?
Russel: Right now? Murdoc.
Murdoc: Everybody. Excluding myself, but especially him. (Points at camera man. Suddenly realizes what Russel said and shoots him a confused look.) What?
2D: (Zoned out.) Heh, heh. Pigeons.
(Both men stare at 2D.)
Murdoc: Actually....? There's not much meat on a pigeon.
Russel: Oh Maaan! Do ya haffta...?
Interviewer: Do you love anyone?
Russel: I'll answer for Murdoc. HIMSELF!
Murdoc: I thank you very much! (Stands up and gives everyone a flourishing bow.) Eh, eh, especially in the mornings. Ahhh, there was this one morning... (Russel cuts him off.)
Russel: Please, no! (Puts hands over ears.)
2D: I like Murdoc.
Russel/Murdoc: WHAT!!??
Murdoc: You dirty little sod.
2D: What? She wanted to know if yah liked anyone? (Points at interviewer.)
Russel: No D. If yah LOVED anyone?
2D: (Blushes.) Oh! Sorry. I misheard the question.
Interviewer: Do you have a job?
Murdoc/2D/Russel: Gorillaz?
Murdoc: And 2D has a part time job, as a speed hump at Tescos.
2D: No I don't... (Pause.) Do I? (Scratches head.)
Interviewer: Sorry I read the question wrong. What jobs did you have before?
2D: Uncle Norms.
Murdoc: Grave digger, tele-sales, soup-seller, Christmas Santa.
2D/Russel: (Laughter.)
Russel: Santa.
Murdoc: Shuddup! I only did it for the cash. Mind you, there were fringe benefits.
Russel: Oh yeah? Like...?
Murdoc: Weeeell. Every Santa has his elves, heh, heh. And lovely ones toooo. We really got that workshop rrrrockin. (Leers.)
Russel: Yo' ass, is every parents wors' nightmare. Ya dig?
Interviewer: What do you do to relax?
2D: Melodicas, video games, zombie movies....
Russel: Eating, cooking, taxidermy.
Murdoc: Umm? (Is immediately cut off by Russel.)
Russel: Trust me! Yah don' wanna know. NEXT!!
Interviewer: What is your favorite song?
Murdoc: So many to choose from.... I did rather like Guns 'n' Roses "Welcome to the jungle."
(Murdoc Stands up and looks as though he is about to sing. Russel quickly grabs $50 dollars from his pocket, and slaps it into Murdoc's hand. Murdoc looks down at it, grins, and sits down.)
Russel: It's hard coz tastes change everyday. But I'll say "Miss Demeanour." By Missy Elliot.
2D: "Punks Beatles." By the Buzzcocks. That woz a good one.
Interviewer: What is your favourite alcoholic beverage?
Murdoc: (Adopts an upper-class, posh accent.) I'm rather partial to Absinthe.
2D: Why are ya talkin' all posh?
Murdoc: I dunno? I'm bored.
2D: Oh. Um? Whatever is left after Muds is finished.
Murdoc: I'm never finished I tells yah. NEVERRRR! (Shakes fist.)
2D: (Giggles.) Probably explains why I'm still sober then?
Murdoc: (Chuckles.) Brilliance. Sheer bloody brilliance.
2D: Really?
Murdoc: No!
2D: Oh.
Interviewer: Have you been in any other groups?
Murdoc: Patchoulii Clark, that was my first. We had... err? Problems.
Russel: Yeah. No talent.
Murdoc: Quiet in back! Where was I? Bullworker, Crimson Backdraft, Durango 95, Aaaaand a few others. (Waves off the question.)
2D: What woz the question again?
Murdoc: Does your ankle hurt?
2D: Oh. (Looks down at them.) No.
Murdoc: (Kicks 2D in the ankle.) What about now?
2D: Ow. Yes.
Interviewer: What is your sign?
Murdoc/Russel/2D: Gemini!
(All look at one another.)
Murdoc: Freaky!
Russel: (Talking almost to himself, as he works it out.) 2D is on dah 23rd of May... Dat's kind'a a cusp with Taurus... Ends 24th... I'm 3rd June and 'im ova dere, (Waves vaguely at Murdoc.) he's 6th of June... Hmm? Yeah. Dat makes us all Gemini.
Murdoc: Sooo, did you and yourself have a lovely conversation then?
Russel: (Flips Murdoc the finger.)
Murdoc:Well I never. (Chuckles.)
Interviewer: What is your most prized possession?
Murdoc: My Winnebagooooh, and the El Diablo. Rrrreally twangy. Heh, heh.
2D: Umm?
Russel: The Hip Hop Machine.
2D: Umm?
Murdoc: Really? I would of thought you'd say the stove? Ahaw, haw, haw, hawww.
2D: Umm? My melodica.
Interviewer: What kind of pants are you wearing?
Murdoc: I knew there was something I fergot to do this morning! (Scratches the stubble on his chin as if thinking.)
2D: ACK!
Russel: Oh maaan!
2D: I fought you woz walkin' funny.
Murdoc: Pfft! I was jokin' Heh, heh. Mind you, it would make things a whole lot easier?
Russel: Dats it. I'm outta here. (Leaves.)
2D: I like ice-cream. (Grins and leaves, accidentally locking himself in a cupboard on the way out.)
Murdoc: (Watches camera man walking back to his van, to pack his equipment away. Grins evilly, and turns to the journalist.) I guess that leaves me and you luv. Sooo, you wanna private tour of the Winnie then?
Interviewer: Umm? I'm not sure.
Murdoc: C'mooon. It'll be like an exclusive inside look into the world of Murdoc. Eh? Sound good?
Interviewer: Actually...?
Murdoc: You know you do, so here we go then. (Walks her back to his Winnie.)
Half an hour later, a rather disturbed looking junior journalist, wanders back to the van she arrived in. The next morning she is placed in a mental asylum, for the seriously confused.